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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just reading these on my iPhone. My wife tried the "let's wait until after the holidays" crap too. Funny....she never held off on the holidays with her boyfriend.

Anyway. Can't type much in the phone. Bird 1 is in. Beer 2 is down. Booyah


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderboy, Sal,

dudes....sorry, and I can relate. I am kind in the same situation. I have been really negative over the last 4 weeks. I too am so fucking tired. I daydream about the other BW (very hot btw) who is divorcing her NPD womanizing husband and I wonder why I can not be on the beach with her drinking Coronas.

But, I guess the difference is in the margins. My WW 'sees' me now. She is actively changing patterns of behavior in the here and now. BUT, she has a hard time digging deep and looking back. There are big time FOO issues at play and she fears falling apart completely if she does 'too much' work. She is always willing to talk, no defensiveness, but no real epiphanies on her end.

WB, what did your wife say when u told her? I bet the presence of her family is a mitigating factor.

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny....she never held off on the holidays with her boyfriend.

Damn, we really are in a similar mindset right now because that's almost verbatim what I said to the friend IRL.

His response paraphrased, FWIW: Of course not, she didn't hold off at ALL during her affair. And you're triggering like crazy thinking about all the shit she was doing during what should have been sacred, special times for you as a couple and as a family. But the affair was just as fucked up in September as it was in November and December. Nothing's changed, just your perception of things has changed because of the time of year.

Not sure I buy his argument completely...maybe the beginning of the holiday season just puts things into clearer focus. Like how nothing was sacred to her during her affair. NOTHING. It was all about her and her secret boyfriend. Screw the marriage, the family, holidays, Santa, Christ's Birthday, the ringing in of a New Year (spent with the kids and me in person, but probably with the OM in spirit and via texting)...the whole nine yards. Don't let anything messy like a family, holidays, vows, and a lifelong commitment get in the way of the real important stuff, like orgasms and ego strokes.

But food for thought I guess.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1031 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Typing from an iPhone. She was pretty shocked when I told her. She wants to wait until after the holidays to figure it out.....I don't even know what that means....it's been 2 years...I think we have had time to figure it out.

Typical if my wife , she so concerned about putting on good faces for the holiday tomorrow that she is stressed that we will be able to "pull it off" and pretend that everything is fine. Lol, like I give a shit about pretending things are hunky dory. People are gonna know sooner or later....I think she's more concerned about the reason for the divorce getting exposed.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, I buy that argument from your friend. The addiction doesn't take time off just because there is more collateral damage.

I think for WWs especially, the addiction issue is very pertinent. Like these women become desperate animals who can not tell up from down, or right from left or wrong.

I have a mental picture of that WW of DazedWI's in the courtroom. Probably completely freaks out. After all, the feelings for POSER were SO REAL. Anger is a cover emotion, so I can imagine the amount of anger necessary to cover the shame and despair of blowing it all...for nothing. Big anger.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit guys. I'm sorry that went down the way it did. Will raise a winter lager to you. Hope the holidays treat you well in that the worst has happened and it only gets better.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7114 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wb & sal - raising one for you and all the menz tonight!
& sal - I hope you too have had some good night's sleep like wb. What sleep is exactly, is, (and imho will forever remain) one of the greatest mysteries.
It ties in - in a sense:
You get to a point where you "just know". It sometimes feels like the pit of the stomach-thing. Sometimes, it's as if the world suddenly brightened.
I've even heard a sound, like a thudding giant closing thing.
I would love to know the neurochemical mechanics of that moment of inner certainty.

Bottling certainty - for sure it would be better than what Tred's drinking! (& we'd be a helluva lot richer than a bunch of Belgians!)

I'm sad the R club isn't larger, I'm happy for your sleep though. (I can handle it - I've been at one with my duality for long and long)

MAKE IT a Happy Thanksgiving MEN!


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal (and WB),

Here's my opinion. Your buddy survived. Good for him. He's one of the lucky ones. There is only 1 person married to your wife though - not him. You want to keep going through this shit year after year after year? I've seen both of your journeys - I was the first one to respond to WB when he joined. But you cannot do this alone.

You want raw? My wife is perfect for me. I knew it the day I met her. Same philosophy on life, same politics, sports, hobbies, sense of adventure, partying, I couldn't of designed a more perfect mate for myself. I'll never meet a woman like her for me. Been around the block and I'm pretty sure that is true. The only reason I haven't pulled the D so far is she is trying what is her best. But there has been a lot of damage since DDay. The lies, continual TT, breaking NC - I've been done mentally several times. It may come to a time where her best isn't good enough. I don't know that yet. I've been all in the entire marriage and just haven't given up yet. That day is mine to chose though.

My point is - when you are done, you are done. Anyone else who has an opinion is not in your frame of reference. This isn't math. The same two inputs don't always give the same two outputs. Your mileage may very. R'ing doesn't mean forever being free of pain. It's just the price of living. What do you want to pay? There ain't no shame in not wanting to pay for something that isn't of any value to you.

Props to Nuance - that was clever.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB, you haven't told her family? Hmmmm. Maybe part of the issue...?

My advice: disclose tomorrow. In a nice way. After all u did move there for her benefit. If you are honest, but gentle about it, you will feel better being authentic, and the weight will all be on her. Let her clean up. She is a big girl now, you don't need to protect her.


WB was the first to respond to me when I joined.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 7:56 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal and Wonderboy,

I would offer my condolences but as much as things must suck right now, I don't think there is any reason to. I think that in most cases, divorce is absolutely the right way to go in the case of infidelity. For every really remorseful wayward that actually sticks around here, there are probably 100 selfish, disordered cheaters who lack the empathy and self-awareness to change. From what both of you have posted, you were both dealing with that type.

Even though it still hurts, one of the best things my ex did was to leave right after I found out about the affair. It was incredibly traumatic at the time. I would have been one of the types who jumped through a million hoops trying to fix my (relatively very minor) problems for months until I gained some clarity. As horrible as it was, I think it was actually an act of mercy in a lot of ways that she didn't put me through the sort of cruelty that you guys have had to endure.

Divorced life isn't bad. The further out from the divorce I get and the more confidence I build, the more female attention I seem to be getting. I haven't acted on it but it sure feels nice. It's also nice living life without sharing a bed with someone who would just as soon stick a knife in your back as they would their worst enemy.

[This message edited by h0peless at 8:24 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred - QFT. That was profound. I am in exactly the same place.

For the beer guys, Souther Tier 2X Stout is awesome.

Peace brothers.

FM


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 399 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ba BAM to the last h0peless post!
whs!


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Souther Tier 2X Stout ... I'll look for it...have you had 512's pecan porter? Delicious stuff. Has caused me to loser a chess game or two...
ok
or 3

Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am so fucking tired.

Jack, that really sums it up for me. I'm just exhausted. 9 months of emotional hell. More than anything else, I think the tank is empty right now.

Will raise a winter lager to you. Hope the holidays treat you well in that the worst has happened and it only gets better.

I just raised a shot of JD to you, SG.

wb & sal - raising one for you and all the menz tonight!
& sal - I hope you too have had some good night's sleep like wb.

jjct, you are a badass. Thanks brother. I look forward to meeting you some day.

You want raw?

Tred, I'll take your brand of raw any day. You've been through hell, but your strength comes through every post.

hopeless, thanks for the encouragement brother. Your name doesn't match your words. Sounds like there is plenty of hope for you, and for all of us.

This thread moves fast. Just want to acknowledge LetMeRollIt, Razor, Forward Motion, 5454, 1985, and nuance's support as well. You have to be vigilant to keep up on a Menz thread. Sorry if I missed anyone, but if so, you too. My dream vacation would involve at least one night hanging out with all of you guys. No WWs anywhere in sight.

Happy Thanksgiving to all. Here's to a brighter tomorrow.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 8:49 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1031 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h0peless was how I felt 6 weeks after she left when I was sure my life was over. I have gotten a lot better and you guys will too. You have to cut out the cancer before you can start the recovery.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a mental picture of that WW of DazedWI's in the courtroom. Probably completely freaks out. After all, the feelings for POSER were SO REAL. Anger is a cover emotion, so I can imagine the amount of anger necessary to cover the shame and despair of blowing it all...for nothing. Big anger.

MC, you hit the nail on the head buddy! She is so messed up that I know she has that borderline personality disorder that someone posted earlier. So wrapped up in her emotions right now that she can't see what was good in front of her. Her loss as I am tired of being treated like crap from her. My friends have labeled yesterday as the "blockathon" as when I posted the photos of the two of them together on Facebook, she blocked all of the people that knew the two of us. What a crazy bitch.

Sal/Super, I am sorry to hear about your wives. It's good to just let it out and get support, especially during the holidays! I hope everyone has a safe holiday and tries to focus on the positives. The future we knew was an ideal and that is broken, however that does not mean the future is not going to be good. Just remember to focus on building yourselves up and make her miserable for knowing she fucked it up with you. Everyone that has been betrayed, it's NOT OUR FAULTS for the weakness and brokeness that is our wives personality/behavior.

[This message edited by DazedWI at 11:50 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I stop myself from going down the rabbit hole after my wife? I was doing so well too that now it is driving me nuts. I want her to feel the same pain I am and she isn't!

[This message edited by DazedWI at 10:51 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed, I feel your pain brother. There are no easy answers. It's hard enough to think rationally at 9 months, let alone at 1 month. My recommendation is to find a good friend or relative to visit. Maybe someone you are close to who'll hear you out and let you spend the night. You have no control over her actions, so find any healthy distraction you can.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1031 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal and Wonderboy,

Sorry to hear the news. From a BH with an absolutely unrepentant WW and never given a chance for R:

Your future is yours now, yours and yours alone. It is a blank canvas. Some of it is colored with kids and WW. That won't ever go away. It will be a part of it for forever. But the biggest part, the middle part is yours to fill with whatever you choose.

Choose something amazing.

Strength and Peace


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jul 2013
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct - it's Southern Tier...I couldn't spell last night. Couldn't have been the beer...

We just got it here in DFW.

I get the 512 brews on draft in a couple places up here...good stuff.

Happy Turkey Day brothers. I hate turkey, so it's surf and turf on the grill.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 399 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
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