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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
HurtBS89
♂ New Member
Member # 35058
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I understood correctly in some of your posts you said that they work together so you should report him...This are all actions that will have him deal with the consequences of ruining someone else's life and he will probably throw your WW "under the bus" because now he will be affected too and it wont be all sweet and sugar anymore...Make this shit real for him too...

Good Luck

***Please do not post links to revenge sites, you're more than welcome to use the PM feature***

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:26 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2012
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal and WB so sorry R failed and actually kind of glad you realize it and are going to D and move on.

Suffering in limbo is worse than anything.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I understood correctly in some of your posts you said that they work together so you should report him...This are all actions that will have him deal with the consequences of ruining someone else's life and he will probably throw your WW "under the bus" because now he will be affected too and it wont be all sweet and sugar anymore...Make this shit real for him too...

[This message edited by DazedWI at 9:14 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
HurtBS89
♂ New Member
Member # 35058
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed oh I understand...Then the only option for you right now is posting the OM on No Soliciting and this way publicly shaming him...He cant sue you because you are telling the truth...

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:30 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2012
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, this adds another level of messed up too. My WW is a patient of his practice where he is only doctor that can sign records. No major surgery but has had chemical peels, skin treatments/etc.

[This message edited by DazedWI at 12:54 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Typing on phone and double posted by accident.

[This message edited by DazedWI at 12:43 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
HurtBS89
♂ New Member
Member # 35058
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed That is even worse because it is totally unethical to have a relationship with a patient and to make it even worse its a married patient...He is totally unprofessional and by exposing him to the public you could damage his reputation and practice a lot...

And its not even for revenge anymore,now its about exposing him for the POS that he is so that in the future husbands know that he is a treat to their marriage...

Now since she is his patient and not a employer you can comfortably expose everything because its not like she is going to get fired...its his practice that is going to suffer and it should because he is putting a bad name to other surgeons and medical staff...

P.S. English is not my native language so I apologize if I didnt understand something or for any future spelling mistakes...


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2012
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to point out that I have exposed both of them to family and friends on Facebook and if anyone does that make sure you don't give descriptions, names, ages/etc where it could be used against you in court. The photos I had posted were from a public domain for a race they went to together.

[This message edited by DazedWI at 9:12 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M.C. again this morning.

Outlook is ahh...

How can you R with someone you can't trust?


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
Montreal
♂ New Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my first MC meeting on Monday. Also going to post this in Reconciliation, but I thought I would ask the Menz first. How does this work? We were each seeing the same IC, but he said we weren't ready to see him together, and I thought he was a clown on a lot of levels so I found somebody else. But how does it work? Because the IC had been seeing my wife before I saw him he knew a lot of the details already (though as it turns out she had been lying to him too), so I didn't have to lay it all out there for him in the first meeting. But how does it work with your first meeting? Undoubtedly she is going to ask us what brings us to her. Do I just nod at my wife and say "you tell her?" Do I say "yeah my wife was screwing around on Ashley Madison and we need help getting through that?" Christ, I'm dreading trying to explain that to a complete stranger in person.

Also, what should I be looking for? For those of you who have MCs, or who have gone through multiple MCs, what should I be looking for? I want somebody who is going to help my wife understand the devastation she has wrecked, help me and my wife get through it, and work on the issues, hers and mine, that led to this whole debacle. But since I don't understand any of this how will I know if I have the right MC?

[This message edited by Montreal at 7:20 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2013
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you get there and the MC wants to deal with common marital issues and not the A right off the bat, then run. Mine gave us tests suited for pre marital counseling. Found out I was like an otter and she was a golden retriever. Or something. House is on fire. You gotta deal with that first.

Posts: 714 | Registered: May 2011
ExhaustedWhat2do
♂ New Member
Member # 40947
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got done reading through Sal and WB posts and responses. WOW! I can tell you that I filed 1 month after DDay. It's interesting i had the same throughts you had about 'R' and saving marriage. My WW acted like your's did. Continued denial, lies, TT, omission of truth etc

I just pulled the trigger earlier, and then i too began to sleep peacefully. I think WW's don't like losing the control of the situation. By announcing the D and moving down that road you will know that you've done all that you can.

I think the WW's are trying to:

> Safe face (b/c most women don't want to be known as sluts, whores, and cheaters). A spade is a spade.

> You can be a Christian, God will forgive, but he doesn't cover the consequences of your actions. Your soul maybe saved, but you still need to deal with the ramifications here on earth.

> They want to start D, when they are emotionally ready for it. By taking control back, the reality of the impending shitslide hits them and they can't deal with it.

For the men that this is happening around the holidays, I feel for you. I served my WW end of october. It's hard to enjoy such joyous family events when your own family was bombed to oblivion.

So i say cry to release the tension and stress, workout to increase your energy and get the endorphins going, and enjoy a few of your favorite beverages because you like to.

WB & Sal I maynot have hung in as long as you did, but your transparency helps me to realize that what i'm experiencing with my WW is "normal" if that makes any sense.


BS(Me) 42
WW 43
DD 9/27/13
Married 6 1/2yrs; together 8
Going through Divorce, heading toward freedom

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2013
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal,

On our side, me and my wife are seeing different IC, and our MC is another one. We chose to do so because we thought that this way would me more impartial. However, you sometimes have to tell the stories several times.
As for the MC, I asked my wife to tell her story first. This way, you will be able to see how she see things. After that, I said my point of view on what she said, and asked her to tell what she didn't want to tell. I think this is the best think to do so she'll never say that I am influencing the MC.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But how does it work with your first meeting? Undoubtedly she is going to ask us what brings us to her. Do I just nod at my wife and say "you tell her?" Do I say "yeah my wife was screwing around on Ashley Madison and we need help getting through that?" Christ, I'm dreading trying to explain that to a complete stranger in person.
Also, what should I be looking for? For those of you who have MCs, or who have gone through multiple MCs, what should I be looking for? I want somebody who is going to help my wife understand the devastation she has wrecked, help me and my wife get through it, and work on the issues, hers and mine, that led to this whole debacle. But since I don't understand any of this how will I know if I have the right MC?

The way it works is you have a goal and the MC is supposed to help you reach that goal. The MC is someone you are paying and their continued employment is dependent on your satisfaction regarding the services they offer.

So you go in and say what you need to say - your wife cheated, you want to stay married and would like help identifying problem areas and suggestions on working through them.

MC is not helpful if the counselor decides to assign blame or try to make sure everything is even. There is nothing even in life. Don't look at the MC as someone judging you, look at him like someone in tech support. If the support rep is awesome then great. If the support rep is reading shit from Page 16 Of The Manual and telling you to set fire to something because That Is Part Of The Process and it has not a damn thing in common with what you need help with, hang up on that shit.

This is not magic and they are not keepers of hidden lore. They are there to help you. Don't be intimidated. Let them help you if they can, let them go hang and find another one if they can't.

Good luck. Looking for help with communication is always a good one for MC.

eta:

lol. I meant to say this but got sidetracked -

What you can say is what you just typed. "I want somebody who is going to help my wife understand the devastation she has wrecked, help me and my wife get through it, and work on the issues, hers and mine, that led to this whole debacle." You go in and say that, and see where it takes you. Those are your very well stated goals. Aim for that and lay it out that simply.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:31 PM, November 29th (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7101 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal and WB so sorry R failed and actually kind of glad you realize it and are going to D and move on.
Suffering in limbo is worse than anything.

Thanks bob, I agree 100%.

But since I don't understand any of this how will I know if I have the right MC?

You'll figure it out quickly, Montreal. The first MC that we saw only last 3 sessions, one of them an IC for the wife. He was a laid-back, non-judgmental type, which I suppose is good. But after 3 sessions I couldn't tell if he even thought my wife did anything wrong.

The second MC told my wife inside of 5 minutes of our first meeting that not did she betray me, she betrayed our children as well. Talk about a 2x4. But my wife agreed with her. And she said it in a loving, nonjudgmental, just-the-facts kind of way that not everyone can pull off. We knew we found a winner. We are probably not going to make it unless some Christmas miracle occurs, but I can't blame the MC for that. There was too much damage done during my wife's XXX rated affair for me to recover from, I think. But the MC helped give us a fighting chance, and I think that's all you can ask for. You'll recognize that MC when you find him or her. Don't be afraid to switch MCs as often as needed to find the right person.

WB & Sal I maynot have hung in as long as you did, but your transparency helps me to realize that what i'm experiencing with my WW is "normal" if that makes any sense.

It does to me, Exhausted. Thanks


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well M.C. was this morning.

We have journals to write in and share if we want to during sessions.

My WW said how could she be in love with 2 different people a long with some other stuff she wrote to share.

I shared mine and pretty much said "I deserve better than this shit and I am making it my goal to move on one way or another."

January will be here soon. My doctor appointments to move up my knee surgery and hopefully rehab.

I told them that did she ever think about anyone other then herself once.
It's been a damn near 5 year affair either you want to move past it or you don't.
I told her to stop saying all this plan stuff for the future when it is not like that. Our mothers where over for thanksgiving and her mom was like look at the lovers. I don't even respond to her verbally I just look. You know how much hell your daughter put me threw because the shit started at your house.

sigh..this crap is depressing.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drinking and sleeping.

I am drinking too much and not sleeping well. I decided to cut down or cut off the booze and see what happens and try and make it to the gym.

The threads here have made it clear you need to strengthen yourself and I am sort of pissed at myself for wallowing a bit.

I even have a remorseful spouse who is now completely open after the initial couple of weeks of TT so I have little excuse and need to pick my lame ass up and move on.

I plan on calling the the main bow next week and I need to have my s@@t together for a potential s@@t storm.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am riding back home on a bus from NYC. Wife is staying in the city to be with her family one more day and I got a wonderful email from fww telling me what she is thankful for which is summarized as having a husband who knows what she did and still loves her and won't leave her.

She knows what she did is wrong and really thought I would leave her and be unforgiving. I feel so positive right now that things will work out.

Wife is going to IC this week and I will be back in IC next week and I think things are looking up.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome bob. You will still be on the rollercoaster for many months to come, so don't be shocked when you take another dip. Just know that the next dip will be followed by another ascent. But right now you feel great, and that's what counts.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LetMeRollIt
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, I wish my R was feeling like yours at the moment.

I getting ready to see my in-laws tomorrow for the first time in 5 months. Its where she was on D Day. I feeling weird about it to say the least.


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 98 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
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