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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slope, that was amazing! You are a good writer.


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really like that Slope.

I interpreted it to tell me that the cliff we all face can be different, but no less challenging.

Whether the cliff is divorce or reconciliation or sucking it up and living in a bad situation because of children, financial concerns, etc.

No matter what, we don't have the choice of going backward, only forward.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you Slope


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally updated my profile to include the D-day(s) information and to provide background about me and my marriage.

While we can't go backward, reflecting on our life and marriage leading up to the affair our wives got themselves into I think can be therapeutic if you hope to reconcile.

I know I made mistakes that helped create the circumstances that encouraged my wife to look elsewhere. I own more of that than she does.

She owns 100% of the decision to post on F**K sites looking elsewhere for attention.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While we can't go backward, reflecting on our life and marriage leading up to the affair our wives got themselves into I think can be therapeutic if you hope to reconcile.

I know I made mistakes that helped create the circumstances that encouraged my wife to look elsewhere. I own more of that than she does.

Bob, I think these words are true even if you don't reconcile. By us taking responsibility for what we contributed to the marriage, we can move on and heal faster hopefully (sounds good in theory)

I know that last night I couldn't go to sleep because I kept thinking about getting back at my WW and OM, outing them at work, and it's going to be a long day today.


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having panic-like attacks. When my wife is asleep and I wake up and hear her breathing, I can't go back to sleep.

My wife mentioned the name of her main OEA in her sleep a couple of days after confessing to having online affairs with 2 men (this was TT) and didn't give me names. The name she said helped me figure out who her main OEA was and now when she sleeps and I hear her breathing I freak out and can't sleep.

I am going to see a psychiatrist today. I want to talk to someone other than a psychologist about this. Maybe they can give me something to knock me out or make me less anxious or whatever.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slope that was amazing.Thanks so much for sharing.
Bobf Hang in there brother we are all with you.


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I'm gone for a few days and this thread has moved five pages.

That is even worse because it is totally unethical to have a relationship with a patient and to make it even worse its a married patient.

WW is a physical therapist and had an A with one of her patients. It never came to me at the time to ruin her career or at least make things uncomfortable for her. Dumbass!

How can you R with someone you can't trust?

It's not R when you can't trust her, it's limbo.

Found out I was like an otter and she was a golden retriever. Or something.

LOL! I'm more like a snake and she's more like a weasel.

You can be a Christian, God will forgive, but he doesn't cover the consequences of your actions. Your soul maybe saved, but you still need to deal with the ramifications here on earth.

Perfectly put.

Well yesterday my MIL started in on me about not going to church with my wife anymore. I told my MIL that for all intents and purposes my fWW's affair destroyed my faith in God and religion, and that I no longer want any part of either; and then I foolishly went on to tell her that had she not filled her daughter's head with so much false doctrine and stupid backwards beliefs about marital sex, her affair most likely would never have happened. I essentially blamed my MIL for a large portion of my wife's hangups.

Well that sent my FIL into nuclear mode to defend his wife, and I spent the rest of the afternoon being lectured and castigated by both of them for not "walking in forgiveness" and they basically ran me through the ringer for not rugsweeping my fWW's affair.

Yeah, blood is thicker than water and all that. Someone could be a convicted serial killer and the parents would back him or her up 100% if you said something against them.

Some who don't know jack squat about forgiveness think it means to forget about what they did and that the person at fault should suffer no consequences for their actions. They would be dead wrong.

Montreal - WW and I saw all Christian MC's and IC's. They blathered on about "forgive and forget" and "you're not perfect either" etc. Then Mrs. Kite would break down in tears and someone would rush over to comfort her and say "there, there." To say it pissed me off and that it was a waste of time and money would be a huge understatement.

Find a counselor who holds your wife's feet to the fire and keeps them there until she finally understands the damage she's done to you and your M and is willing to make the changes necessary for true R to happen. Anything less is a waste of your time and money.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, have you looked at the 180? give yourself some time and space. I'm not advocating one direction or the other, just suggesting that you get some you time. all of your perceptions just took a radical turn. you need time to adjust.

don't worry about pushing her away. if she's truly remorseful, she will understand that you need the time. ideally, while you're doing that, she will be working on fixing the marriage and working on her own issues.

great call on recognizing that you need more help.

strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
AJMT4Life
♂ New Member
Member # 41349
Angry  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great thread! It's amazing how similiar all our stories are. I was not looking forward to the holiday weekend becuase the A was so fresh, but we agreed to be civil for the kids. We spend thanksgiving at a friend's house and that went okay, no drama. But, that night we got into, there was yelling, tears, hugging, lot's of talking, but in the end we agreed we have to get seperated. That made it easier to move forward, having an end in sight.

Before this talk, I didn't know if it was going to work or not, but now I know we can't be together.

Friday and Saturday were good days. We had fun decorating the house and getting a xmas tree. We put on a good show for the kids. But, Sunday I couldn't put on the show anymore. She went out for a couple of hours and I stayed at home. This alone time gave me time to reflect, look around at what we have built together and the realization that we will never have a weekend like this again made me so angry at her. When she came home, the sight of her made me angry. Knowing that she destroyed everything for her own selfish reasons, pissed me off. I've been doing the 180 but I couldn't anymore. I was short with her, didn't want to be around her, and she got pissed. She called me today and told me that I was an 'Asshole' last night.

Whatever! I have to stop caring about her feelings, she doesn't care about mine.

Is it possible to stay level headed and positive all the time? It's damn hard.


D-DAY: 29Oct2013
Amazing Daughters: 2
Married: 7 years
ME: 31
Her:35


Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Virginia
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having panic-like attacks. When my wife is asleep and I wake up and hear her breathing, I can't go back to sleep.

My wife mentioned the name of her main OEA in her sleep a couple of days after confessing to having online affairs with 2 men (this was TT) and didn't give me names. The name she said helped me figure out who her main OEA was and now when she sleeps and I hear her breathing I freak out and can't sleep.

I am going to see a psychiatrist today. I want to talk to someone other than a psychologist about this. Maybe they can give me something to knock me out or make me less anxious or whatever.

Bob.

I would wager that ALL of us here have BTDT. Sleepless nights. Panic attacks. Yup. Been there done that.

The TT she is giving you is killing you. How a WS can do that is beyond me. She stabbed you and is now twisting the knife. Is there a way you could press her to give you a COMPLETE timeline? Then maybe have her take a polygraph so you know that the timeline is complete and accurate.

The medications will help. The anti anxiety meds I was given pretty much knocked the shit out of me. It was like being in a walking coma. But I slept well. So get them. Take them. And get some sleep.

For me tho. the meds sort of insulated me from my own feelings and prevented me from feeling the things I needed to feel. Without that I was tuff to work thru my own issues and feelings and have any sense of where I was or where I was going. The meds were like a bandaid that allowed me to take a break and get my strength up. Once I felt stronger I went off them.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible to stay level headed and positive all the time? It's damn hard.

No, that's humanly impossible. While in the first few months, I teetered between homicidal and suicidal on a daily basis. Only our little boy kept me from going off the rails. So for you to be angry and short with her at times is quite understandable considering the circumstances. Her lack of empathy is showing when she is offended by your anger and resorts to name-calling.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
AJMT4Life
♂ New Member
Member # 41349
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Mr.Kite. It just kills me that this woman I loved so much can have absolutely no feelings for me. Yes, I'm in a pissy mood, I'm entitled to that.


D-DAY: 29Oct2013
Amazing Daughters: 2
Married: 7 years
ME: 31
Her:35


Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Virginia
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slope that was awesome. Keep up with the writing my friend. You have talent.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, blood is thicker than water and all that. Someone could be a convicted serial killer and the parents would back him or her up 100% if you said something against them.

Some who don't know jack squat about forgiveness think it means to forget about what they did and that the person at fault should suffer no consequences for their actions. They would be dead wrong.

Montreal - WW and I saw all Christian MC's and IC's. They blathered on about "forgive and forget" and "you're not perfect either" etc. Then Mrs. Kite would break down in tears and someone would rush over to comfort her and say "there, there." To say it pissed me off and that it was a waste of time and money would be a huge understatement.

Find a counselor who holds your wife's feet to the fire and keeps them there until she finally understands the damage she's done to you and your M and is willing to make the changes necessary for true R to happen. Anything less is a waste of your time and money.

Cannot add anything to this Mr. Kite.

And I am glad to say my wife and I have an awesome non-religious MC who does hold our feet to the fire, both of us. I think that woman is the number 1 reason my fWW and I are still married.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious for opinions on this one... my W does the finances for the most part. Handles all the bills and what-not, I just work and earn most of the money and let it direct deposit into our account.

At some point in the past I lost the password to our account for on-line access. I've been bugging her for it now for about 3 weeks. Finally got to the point where I was thinking of pulling my direct deposits and sending them to another bank. She finally admitted to me that she didn't tell me because of some stupid by-weekly payment to a collection agency for some old credit card that she didn't want me to see. She gave me the PW to the account this morning.

So... got to thinking, and now I'm like "What the hell?" So... maybe it's not that big a deal, but is it OK for me to be pissed off about this? I mean... she was afraid I'd get upset so she decided to hide the reason from me? And this isn't the first time she's done something like this to me.....

Over-reacting?


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ontheslope

Concealing anything at this point should give you reason for concern. If she is trying to build trust again, how does this help ? She was not protecting you. She was going to be caught in a lie and was delaying the consequences as long as she could. You have every right to be angry and hurt for that matter. Trust bank goes back to zero.

FWIW financial infidelity, which is what this is called, has ended a lot of M too. Not all lies are of an intimate nature.

After Dday I took back the financial record keeping, bill paying ,etc. Partially because my W was nearly catatonic, but mostly I wanted to know where our money was being spent. I even set up another checking account for awhile and had my paycheck deposited there. I then transferred the money to the joint account as needed for household expenses. I usually do all the grocery shopping anyway so it was not a huge deal.

She has taken that back over, and I have changed back my direct deposit, but I am free to look whenever I wish. Anything else is no longer acceptable. We are R'd or Ring, but I refuse to have blind trust in any important area of my life again. Non-negotiable for me to feel safe. My W understands why and does not question it.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In MC this morning...

Me: How could you do things with POSOM you have always called disgusting, demeaning, and humilating?

WW: He was persistent.

Me: so if I had been persistent and insisted...

WW: That's DISGUSTING!

Me: WTF???(!)???


MeBS age 60
Her -- WS age 58
Married for 33 years
One child, 30yrs

I changed my username to Camalus...the Celtic God of War, Sky, and Retribution.
Camalus wore the horns for a brief period of time


Posts: 93 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired, I take it that conversation was about a sex act? My wife did acts with the OM that she refused to do with me as well, pretty much the same reason. I stupidly didn't push her, because, I don't know - I respected her boundaries? But he was able to pop those boundaries because he pushed her. And of course, she would do anything for him to keep him calling. It's a shitty dynamic - you wouldn't persist with your wife for fear of angering her or upsetting her (in my instance) but the AP never had any worries and could get away with anything.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slope, I'm sorry to hear that brother. lying, hiding things from you? those are very much wayward behaviors. it sounds like she just doesn't get it.

is she in IC?

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I think the question is how long will you put up with it?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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