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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
AJMT4Life
♂ New Member
Member # 41349
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,
Our marriage counsler was great. During the first session she told my WW that there is no chance the relationship with the POSER is ever, ever going to work (he's married with 2 kids)(This was the only time my WW cried, by the way.) She also said the affair was 100% her fault.
During the second session, she told my WW I did the right thing by telling the OW and our families. This pissed my WW off so much.
So of course, now she doesn't want to go see her again becuase the MC is trying to fix our marriage and my WW doesn't want to fix the marriage. But I think it's because the MC is on my side and not hers.


D-DAY: 29Oct2013
Amazing Daughters: 2
Married: 7 years
ME: 31
Her:35


Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Virginia
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW's last OM was older than her by years, not in the best health, not fit at all, has herpes, and looks like a toad. Still, she fantasized being M'd to him, or leaving me to be his mistress.

Ok...well... I was eating lunch.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Attractiveness can be allot of things I guess. Good looks. Someone *popular*. Power. Money. Prestige.

And I suppose that there are good MCs out there. And they probably cant be too tough on the WS in the initial visits or they (WS) wont want to come back.

My WW has never admitted fault with her LTA. She has objected to books or people that believe she was wrong in what she did or did not buy her *poor me my BH forced me to cheat* bull shit.

In the end her beliefs are hers. And there is really nothing I can do about them. She owns that. And my self esteem is not tied to what she believes or doesnt believe.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what is it that made it possible for our WWs to have affairs?

In my case, my wife simply thought she could get away with it and wanted to feel the thrill of having another man desire her because she wasn't getting what she wanted at home. Her friends are cheaters, they never suffered consequences, and one of them told her how much fun she had on Ashley Madison where the men just swarmed all over her. So my wife got an AM account, met the guy she wanted to fuck while I was at work, and kept flirting, chatting, and exchanging pictures for 20 months. She wanted all the benefits of being a hot single woman pulling in all the men without any responsibilities. She had a great gig for 20 months. Got to feel attractive, wanted, desirable, all the while I was working, traveling, having a couple of major surgeries, and trying to provide as best I could for our family. She didn't have the courage to leave me and the comfort and safety I provided, but I wasn't what she wanted. She figured she could have it all and no one would get hurt. She was half right - she really hasn't suffered any major consequences. She still has a husband and family who love her, always have, almost no one knows about her affair, and the only one that got fucked up and not just fucked was me.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is why I have always maintained that the WHY is simpler than what many believe.

1. Opportunity. OM is available.
2. Desire. OM is attractive (in one way or another).
3. Ability. She can get away with it.

HOW becomes a more interesting question. As in HOW WAS IT OK WITH WW TO HAVE A AFFAIR? But that question is more for the WW to answer than it is ours to even understand.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Close Mr. Kite,
Over in LTA we got in trouble posting pictures of our WS's OPs a couple of years ago, but put on glasses, a half-smile like he had a partial stroke and a crooked tie in a brown suit and you nailed him.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Close Mr. Kite,
Over in LTA we got in trouble posting pictures of our WS's OPs a couple of years ago, but put on glasses, a half-smile like he had a partial stroke and a crooked tie in a brown suit and you nailed him.

My favorite part of the pic is at the bottom where it says Fantasyland.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She didn't have the courage to leave me and the comfort and safety I provided, but I wasn't what she wanted.

yep

This is why I have always maintained that the WHY is simpler than what many believe.
1. Opportunity. OM is available.
2. Desire. OM is attractive (in one way or another).
3. Ability. She can get away with it.

I'd add a #4, they lacked the morals, integrity and character needed to put their husbands before their own selfish wants.

And the "get away with it" part is just a fantasy they concoct. I doubt that's true 90% of the time.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
1985
♂ Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see so much pain when I read here that it is sad. I always note that most of you range from Just Found Out to maybe a couple of years into the attempts to reconcile. The process is the toughest thing you will ever do and I know it gets discouraging. Don't give in to despair.
Something Tred just posted caught my attention. I wanted to comment because I have been where he is at; where many of you are. And I wanted to tell you -- you will make it through this. Not quickly or easily. But you will.
Tred, your concluding points: "she didn't have the courage to leave me and the comfort and safety I provided .... she figured she could have it all and no one would get hurt. She was half right -- she really hasn't suffered any major consequences. She still has a husband and family who love her, always have, almost no one knows about her affair, and the only one that got fucked up and not just fucked was me".
This really mirrors my situation also.
For my W, she was quite depressed because of her decision to drop out of a graduate program and one of her classmates (who had been hitting on her before she dropped out) started pursuing her. She decide her life was boring and I was boring and , in her words, "I wanted an adventure; some excitement in my life. And I was certain you would never find out so you would never be hurt". And so away she went into her lengthy adventure.
To me, it was the ultimate sense of entitlement. And of not giving a shit about the consequences to me or our family IF I did find out. But hey, as you point out, it half worked for her. She got all the thrill and fun, has all the exciting steamy memories, and no consequences.
All I can tell you, and the other guys here, is keep working at not letting it control or define the rest of your life. That's hard. I know it is. Just try to plan and do things that are special to the two of you and that can serve as the basis for new memories not tainted by the affair. Work at creating mind movies of YOU and her to replace the mind movies you don't want to have. Try to focus on what she is doing for you now and will continue to do in the future to block out images of her and him.
None of it is easy and you will all have setbacks along the way. Know that setbacks happen and the best response is to jump back up and charge forward instead of sitting and allowing your mind to start reliving the past.
As someone pointed out a while back, this will never leave you entirely. It has become a part of your life journey. It has changed you and shaped your life differently than what your dreams had been. So create new dreams. And then work at realizing them. That can happen. My W and I have had some amazing experiences over the years since DDay. And they are just ours. Not tainted. Would I trade them for the A to never have happened? Sure. But maybe I would also trade my career as a lawyer for 10 years as a starting pitcher in the major leagues. Who knows how that alternate journey would have twisted and turned and stood at this point? So you play the hand you have been dealt. Work it. Play it smart. You can still have a good outcome.


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 589 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1985 well said.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1985 - I understand the benefits of time. It's been hell, 27 years I guess since my 1st wife cheated on me? I had quit thinking about her entirely, and now only as an analogy for what I usually do when betrayed. I healed by getting her out of my life and making new memories. It's been 29 years since your DDay? I'm sure if we make it that far, I'll probably have a similar outlook . My wife's infidelity just hit me in my worst vulnerability. It was like a rod was removed from the reactor at the wrong time and it hit critical mass. That type of chain reaction can go on for a while. Three Mile Island recovered, Chernobyl not so much.

I get to see my PCP again today, meet with the brain trauma doc tomorrow. Maybe different meds (currently on Prozac), different approach to my PTSD then everything we've tried over the last 10 months. Maybe the nightmares and shakes will stop. I didn't experience any of this really with my first wife, but I didn't really try to R (it would have been almost around the same time as your DDay). This is all a learning process for me. It's a challenge to say the least.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She decide her life was boring and I was boring and , in her words, "I wanted an adventure; some excitement in my life. And I was certain you would never find out so you would never be hurt". And so away she went into her lengthy adventure.

Sounds exactly like my list above.

I'd add a #4, they lacked the morals, integrity and character needed to put their husbands before their own selfish wants.

I would word it differently.

4. She wanted to.

As to the *not getting caught* thing. It doesnt have to be reality. Only her perception counted. I honestly dont think there is going on in the WS mind about long term possibilities.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
gutpunch33
♂ New Member
Member # 36484
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to give Razor a shout out for managing to work some Bob Seager in to the conversation today!

Having a hard time today myself. I worked from home today and when I'm alone like this I think too much.

100% my WW is remorseful, working on her and doing everything right. I just have a real hard time living with my own thoughts. I tend to over think everything. And today, I went down the rabbit hole. Thinking of my wife and what she did. I realize that at the point when she invited her boyfriend from high school up to her hotel room, that she passed the point of no return. She says that her horrible childhood left her with the inability to say NO to men/boys in her life when they pressured her. She say she just laid there and disassociated while he finished (he used a condom according to her). What I know is that once she invited him up to her hotel room, everything was over except the shooting. (Terrible pun) What kind of person invites someone of the opposite sex up to their hotel room (someone that she had sex with already in high school), and then takes a shower and gets in to a towel while he waits IN HER HOTEL ROOM!!!! That's not an "oops". That's premeditated.

She's owning her own shit for sure. I just wonder how I'll feel some day when the kids are all grown and it's just her and I.

Sorry for the rage. Just too long sitting with my self alone today. It's better when I'm out and surrounding myself with others.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2012
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Menz

I went to court today to have temporary restraining order extended.XW keeps coming up to me at work.To "discuss the children" violating my boundary of text or e-mail only.
Judge denied me.He was stearn with me for not giving her a time when the children can be discussed.I explained she has only had children 6 overnights since Apr 2.And I dont feel one can parent from a barstool.
After he got done with me he turned on her and told her he cant make me talk to her and she cant make me talk to her.That if she didnt stop harrassing me at work He would grant my order the next time I file.
She lied and said she was joking about threatening to throw food on my daughter.Judge reprimanded her for that too.Telling her to straighten up.
She took her support group to court with her XMIL and POSOM.I was really pissed when I saw him then I took deep breaths calmed down and a smile came to my face.Its the first time Ive seen him up close.
After court I put my coat on and they exited the courtroom.I approached POSOM he looked like a deer in the headlights.I extended my hand and I shook his and with a smile I said "thank you" turned and walked away still smiling.
I dont know why I did this but I felt pretty good all the way home.
I feel even though denied it was a victory in that she knows if the shit continues shes screwed.I have a feeling we will be back there again soon.


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After court I put my coat on and they exited the courtroom.I approached POSOM he looked like a deer in the headlights.I extended my hand and I shook his and with a smile I said "thank you" turned and walked away still smiling.

Well played sir, well played.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well played sir, well played.

Second that.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: I'm back in R mode. My wife is remorseful, trying the best she can. She's still a woman who fucked another man for 10 months, and that's my real hangup. I look for reasons to slam her post D Day behavior, but the truth is I'm still stuck on her A behavior. That has been the biggest R obstacle.

I guess for me, it was the approaching holidays more than anything. I love thinking about how my wife only pretended to be my devoted wife this time last year.

It looks like the roller coaster ride continues, at least for now. At some point I'll decide whether to stay in my seat or jump off.
As Doc Holliday might say in his sardonic manner: "Sal, you're an oak."



Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of person invites someone of the opposite sex up to their hotel room...

My wife, for a night cap after they were drinking in the hotel bar. When he kissed her she realized he was erect so she blew him and had sex. She was so embarrassed the next day she hardly talked to him on the way home and did not fuck him again for a month.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal,

It is not either R or not R. I am happy enough Not Divorcing for now. Really, the WS and BS in my opinion need to be well on the way to fixing their issues and healing and acceptance before they can begin working together on R.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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