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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bob, from my point of view, she probably have doubts about what her husband is doing. Proofs are good, but I think that telling her is already good.

If anyone had called me when the A was going on, even with no proof, I think it would have been enough because I knew deep inside of me that something was going wrong.

Good luck!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was referred to this thread from the "I Just Found Out" as you guys may be able to help me more. So here I go...

I am working through finding my wife having an affair with another man that blew apart our relationship of 10 years, married for 5. The guy she has been seeing is a plastic surgeon, 52 years old, never married and been a bachelor his entire life. She says it is because he "hasn't found the right woman".
I caught them on Friday, October 25th at his house. She was naked and had been seeing him for over a year and a half. Took a trip with him to San Francisco for a half marathon and winery tours. He pursued her, as they both work together, even though he knew she was married. Since finding out the length and trips I moved out of our apartment immediately that weekend to live with my parents saying I would be coming back a few times a week so we could talk and work things out. When I came back on Wednesday, all of her stuff was gone from the apartment.

She says she wants him over me but can not tell me why. She continues to defend the relationship saying that I don't know what I am talking about by saying he played her. She said I was crazy for how I acted when I went to his house and I said he was lucky I didn't beat him up for doing what he did.

She is unable to provide any closure to me but says how it is over one minute and then the next she says she loves me but can't be happy with me. The final kicker is that she wants to still be friends. I asked her if she wanted to read the books I have purchased (including Kevin's) and she said sure but in talking with her on Friday she had not opened any of them because she was to busy. I have filed for divorce/separation as I have been paying all the bills while she goes out shopping to buy stuff for her and him.

A little background on our history, we were married in 2008 and were living in a small home for 4 years. We were trying to have a family and going to a fertility clinic to help get pregnant in fall of 2011. When the first round didn't work we decided it would be better to sell our home and buy a larger one that would better accommodate a growing family. We sold our house in the March of 2012 and moved in with her parents to try and save money while our new home was being built. Things were stressful with work for me and I started to become closed off. We had an argument in June 2012 where she said she was questioning our relationship as I was the only man she had been with. I realize now that is because she had slept with him prior to that argument. We separated for a few months where in that time she continued to see him but also sent me nude photos of herself to show she wanted to work on the relationship. She even let me take nude photos of her two weeks prior to finding her at his home.

She says how she has grown out of love with me over the past year but I pointed out that she was with this other guy the entire time and my "sixth sense" so to speak was telling me something wasn't right. I just didn't/couldn't believe she would do something like this. She would try to find any small reason to have an argument, has extremely low self-esteem and I believe is heavily influenced by her mother as she was treated poorly as a child. This by no means excuses what she did as she has free will and should have stopped it.
I have asked her to end communication, full disclosure and fight for me in this relationship and she has done nothing. My therapist recommended that I say when she sees me as her husband again then we can talk and I have followed his advice. I just am so confused as to why she would do this when we were so happy prior to moving in with her parents and in the span of a few months she could start having this affair. She is throwing an entire life away, including friends we share, saying if they don't want to be her friends she will just make new ones.

Still no word from the wife and I realized on Thursday last week why I am still "wanting" her in my life and feel this is where many men have the issue. I want the woman I fell in love with and knew for the first 8.5 years of our relationship and that woman ultimately died (same as our relationship) when she decided to sleep with another man. The loss of what my "ideal" was, and that ultimately you can't get it back, very eye opening. Seeing the woman she has become, I don't want anything to do with her as that personality is not one that I like to be associated with. She is still in denial and has not come to realize yet how her life will fall completely apart. It's unfortunate because looking at the influence that this man and her mom have over her she doesn't see how they both have ruined her life and she needs some serious mental help.

I want to believe she will come to her senses but this is messed up. She is so infatuated or "in love" with him that she is thinking about him all the time, yet she says he hasn't communicated with her since I confronted them. Any advice is greatly appreciated!


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...welcome DazedWI but so sorry to see you in this forum.

I don't know what to say except your wife is in the fog. Once she pulls her head out of her *ss I hope she realizes what has given up.

I am really new to this forum too so not much help with advice yet as I am still dealing with my own marriage issues but I am sure you will get great help and support here.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dazedWI, I'm very sorry for your pain. I hope you've found some of the topics in the library here helpful. I'd like to point you towards the "180", a guide to how a betrayed spouse can behave in order to get ones bearings and some sanity back.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Sounds like your wife is still in 'the fog'.

Read stuff in the library here, keep posting, read the forums, and take what you can use from it.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DazedWI.
First. You cant be friends with her. If you try she will poison every aspect of your life.

What your WW seems to be doing is trying to keep you around for support and as a plan B in the case of her new boyfriend not working out. Stop being that support. Sometimes the best thing to do is to kick out the support from under her and force her relationship with the OM to stand (or not) on its own.

As long as you keep ties with your wife she will be able to pluck at your heart strings. Your life will be miserable. Always hoping for your WW to return to you and it just never quite happening. As long as she can keep you in that state she gets to have both you and her OM there at her beckon call.

The 180 is the best and most powerful thing you can do right now. Stop communicating with her and possibly call a lawyer and get your ducks in a row for a possible divorce.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had the Temporary Order hearing this morning and it was rather interesting. I stared at her the entire time and she wouldn't look at me. Her lawyer kept sending notes to mine to get me to stop.

She did go off on me prior to the hearing when we were waiting in line for security (both of us arrived early as the court didn't open until 7:30). I didn't acknowledge her and she started getting angry with me by saying "what you aren't even going to acknowledge me". I was calm the entire time and pointed out how I am taking responsibility for the problems I contributed in the marriage, she needs to do the same and she owns 100% of the affair. Also pointed out how her "friends" right now are not friends for letting her do this to another person. Her mom was right there and is in that category so she said what was her mom to do. I said be a MOM! and tell you to stop. All these things just got her to be even more angry. Even in the hearing she couldn't keep her anger in check and hit her palm on the table a couple times. Pretty sure the affair with the other guy is over and now is the anger on her part, blaming me for the affair and loss of the OM. It's some fucked up stuff as she lists herself still as married on facebook, has all of our photos up and is using my last name.

[This message edited by DazedWI at 12:57 PM, November 25th (Monday)]


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DazedWI.
Good for you. As long as she is in this crazy state keep your distance as much as you can otherwise she will leak crazy all over you. If she wants to run down the rabbit hole dont follow her.

Of course she will blame you because whats the alternative? Taking personal responsibility for her own choices.

Cheating is a choice. And I disagree with some here on SI in that I believe that the choice to cheat is thought out and deliberate. She knew it was wrong otherwise she would not have hid it. Even if she thought the M was *over* then why would she hide the affair? And why not just divorce? Your WW knew it was wrong. She knew it would hurt you. She knew it was likely to destroy your M. And she chose to do it anyway.

Let her say what she likes but dont let any of it stick to you. NONE of this is your fault.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my "sixth sense" so to speak was telling me something wasn't right.

Never doubt your gut feeling. This is a mistake I've made many times in the past but have learned the hard way. If you sense something isn't right, it usually isn't.

I didn't acknowledge her and she started getting angry with me by saying "what you aren't even going to acknowledge me".

One of the symptoms of some WS's is the need for constant validation and attention from others. Once that dries up they tend to either come unglued or pull their head out of their posterior.

You sound pretty level-headed considering the nightmare you're presently going through. It sounds selfish but is absolutely necessary - take care of yourself first. Above all don't let her suck you into crazytown, where up is down and wrong is right. All the best to you.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kite,

I have actually progressed pretty quickly through the stages and I thank that to my strong support group of family/friends that are just as shocked this happened, my IC to help guide me on my path and books that I have purchased and read numerous times. Without all of them I would not be anywhere near where I am now. My biggest thing is that I am seeing the mistakes I made in the marriage and can use this as a growth opportunity whether she wants to be a part of it or not.

Razor,

My lawyer even said something isn't right with her as she lost her control in just a temporary order hearing. She thinks she won by getting the dog out of it but she is paying the bills for now. When we get to settlement, where documentation is king, things will shake out differently.


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone tell me if my WS will ever show remorse on this? This "fog" bulshit is really starting to bug me and she needs to wake up and see what is happening.


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone tell me if my WS will ever show remorse on this?

Honestly, no. Each situation is different. You might have to accept the fact that she may never be truly remorseful for what she's done. Or she might be "sorry for hurting you," which in my opinion is different than being sorry for the bad acts that caused your pain. Sorry for not being more cautious and discreet, in other words. Dazed, I think the best thing you can do is try to better yourself and move on with your life, with her or without her.

This is really fresh for you. I'm sorry you're hurting brother, but glad you found us. It helps to navigate this nightmare with men who can relate to your pain. Prior to D Day I didn't know there was this much pain to be had in a lifetime, short of something really catastrophic like losing a child. What I discovered is that being betrayed by my wife is exponentially more painful than I could ever have imagined. There's nothing like removing the abstract quality from something and experiencing it in real life.

This site in general, and the BM threads in particular, have shown me that this pain is all too common and experienced by men worldwide, from all walks of life. Regardless how things end up in your situation, I hope being here gives you a small measure of comfort.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed-

Remember this, you cannot control her actions. Even when it is so obvious what she is doing wrong, you cant make her do anything. Do the 180 hard. Work on you, and you alone. Peronally, i would suggest D, that would have been a lot easier, but like mny on here I have kids, so I chose to try to R. I am almost 2 years into R and it is very tough.

I will say this, EXPOSE far and wide. At her office, your family, her family, your friends. Exposure kills the A. The more you try to "nice" her back, the more she will run from you. Show her the stick. Show her, she may not respect you, but YOU respect you and will not tolerate this BS. Nor any blaming BS.

Still, its a gamble she will come around. Likely, she will run. You will probably be better off though.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed, she's probably looking for the relationship that *completes* her. The fog won't lift until she realizes that the real goal is having someone who complements her, not completes her. She's an empty bucket with a hole looking for someone to fill her up. She's gotta fix the hole first. IMHO, until she gets there, she's not safe.

For the lurkers(cause I know the menz know the difference), someone who complements you is a partner. Someone who completes you is co-dependent. Check the definition of complement vs compliment.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I get this out of my head?

My wife and I had a wonderful session of HB last night. I had to get up an head to work and last night she asked me not to wake her. I was in the shower thinking about last night and started to get aroused.

I started thinking about her touching me and speaking to me and instantly I hear her talking to one of her chat lovers. Mood killed, me upset wondering when I will never hear the words to THEM instead of the words to ME.

I pretended not to be bothered, got out of the shower, got dressed, kissed her goodbye.

[This message edited by bobf at 6:44 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some help from one of the more experienced Betrayed Men. I don't really want to post my issue on the board, but I am willing to explain in PM.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bobf,
This subsides with time. You need to stay in the present and not let the voices in your head drag you back into the past in those enjoyable moments. God knows there are enough non-sexual times to go back there. Try to quarantine these tiems as best you can fromt he triggers. Very difficult but can be done.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No1,

Feel free to PM me. I'm not real experienced like WAL, HT, or SLH but I'm a good listener.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been around the block a few times myself. So if any of the SI brotherhood needs to ask a question, seek some advice or just vent. I'm available. Just a word of caution, I tend to call it as I see it. I don't sugarcoat anything. But I'd like to think I can dispense some solid advice.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Nov 2007
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No1 - feel free to PM me as well... also not the most experienced, but I listen well and will give what advice I can.

Thanks,


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can No1 write and accept PMs yet? I thought you needed 51 posts first or some such.

NVM, he has more than enough, my bad.

[This message edited by bobf at 9:52 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
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