Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Sassafras (43148)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also take pride in the fact that I'm taking my time, weighing all possibilities and making a logical decision.
Waiting two years I think shows that you do have responsibility when it comes to your children. You gave her and your marriage every chance in the world to keep the family together


^^^^ yep this!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1795 | Registered: Nov 2010
knight
♂ New Member
Member # 36859
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome guys.

I'll be the designated driver.

I agree with the guys above. I think putting two years of trying in proves to yourself and everyone else that you wanted it to work. You can move on without having to wonder what would have happened if you gave her a chance. You left it all on the field.


BH 40s
WW (her) 40s
D-day Aug 2012
M 16
kids - 3 beautiful ones, DD22, DD14, DS10

Always be yourself, but always be your better self. - Karl G. Maeser
- - - - - - -
Dyslexic...please ignore my spelling.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Hell
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little birdy told me that I should check back in.

October 16 - Really? Has it been that long?

I won't argue with Tred.

I hope everyone has been doing reasonably well. My life has taken a different path the last couple months. I've tried to leave the past in the past and although SI has been extremely helpful for me it also was serving to keep me in the past to a certain extent. I was so consumed with my STBXWs affair that it was all that I thought about at times. That burden has left me when I let it go. I wish I could have figured out to let it go and have her in my life, but for me I couldn't do it. I let the past go when I let her go. To me the two were intrinsically linked.

From a mental standpoint, I've been great. I've thought very little of her affair at all. It no longer holds me prisoner. For that I'm extremely grateful. I've moved on and have been on several dates. It isn't all that hard to find good and quality women out there. I'm in no hurry of course but it is really nice to mingle.

The divorce is still a work in progress. I have a provisional agreement in place that gives me joint custody of our 4 year old son. That was a huge win. Financially, my state is pretty straight forward and I anticipate the final agreement to be signed by the judge sometime this month.

It hasn't been all unicorns and rainbows. My four year old has struggled. He is very stressed and although we've been separated now for over three months he asked me last night if I would get back to together with mommy. He told me that it would make him happy if we were a family again. Boy that is tough to hear. We take him to a child psychologist to try to help. I have moments when I feel "selfish" for putting him through this. It's not my fault of course, but still it is hard to not shoulder some of the blame. My ex has been quite agitated that I had the nerve to actually divorce her. She has told me repeatedly that the problems with the kids are on me because I couldn't get "over it". Her reaction has reinforced my decision. She had no remorse or capacity to repair the damage that she did and still can't take responsibility. I assume that she never will.

I hope everyone is doing ok and keeping strong.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB.

I believe allot of guys stay in the M after Dday due to worries about their kids. Finances too considering how the courts work the D settlements.

When it comes to the kids I think allot of us suck it up and stick it out for their sake. Then. sometimes years or decades even later. We call it quits and D or S. When we leave then most people to attribute it to the LTA. But in truth thats what it is all about.

Like allot of guys I feel I should have left right on Dday. I would be happier and healthier today had I done that. But I stayed for the kids.

WB you gave saving your M your best shot. And you should be commended for that. Unfortunately like allot of us you married a broken dysfunctional woman. And also like most of us you paid the price for that. But you've pulled yourself up by your boot straps and are now moving on. Good for you.

As far as cheating statistics between men and women go I think its probably 50/50. I mean, otherwise who are these people cheating with? Unless there are allot of lesbian liaisons going on women are cheating with men. So the number has to be equal.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3066 | Registered: Sep 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex has been quite agitated that I had the nerve to actually divorce her. She has told me repeatedly that the problems with the kids are on me because I couldn't get "over it". Her reaction has reinforced my decision. She had no remorse or capacity to repair the damage that she did and still can't take responsibility. I assume that she never will.

My WW has promised a *scorched earth* divorce should I have the gall to divorce her. Basically she would run it so hard that our lawyers would be the only ones to make out. We would both be left with nothing.

Knowing her and her temper I believe her threat.

So I have stayed M to her. We get along fine as long as nothing deep or affair related is talked about. Aside from my time around her I do as I please. I take vacations alone as does she. I keep an eye on her and should she strike up with OM again or some other guy I will throw it all to the wind and D her. Until that happens we are getting along ok and our standard of living is good and secure.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3066 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't argue with Tred.

Hey now - Losfer confirmed it! I'm glad you are moving forward TC.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3284 | Registered: Dec 2011
1985
♂ Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderboy, I want to comment on your statements that you feel it would have been better to have divorced two years ago at DDay and that you now feel guilt (because of your kids) at pulling the plug 2 years later.
I know your career has been defending Drs and hospitals in malpractice cases. Has a Dr ever told you that he would never miss a diagnosis or choose a less than perfect treatment course if only he could make decisions using a retrospectoscope? Don't evaluate your past decision using a retrospectoscope. At DDay you had 2 paths to choose from. One was D right then. The other was to try to reconcile. BOTH were valid choices at the time. You chose your path because, at the time, you still felt love for JNRPA and you didn't want to become a part time Dad. And those were good and reasonable bases for choosing the path you chose.
2 years later you still have 2 paths to choose from. But now the underlying facts have changed. Now you no longer feel love for JNRPA. Indeed, you feel miserable around her; disgust with her. So the D path is now the more realistic one. No need for guilt on the
choice.
I get the guilt about the kids. But what your kids need more than anything is -- 2 healthy parents. And it doesn't look like your W is going to fill her half of that need so what they REALLY need is at least 1 healthy parent. And it sounds like at this point, for you to be that healthy parent, you have to get away from her. You have to cut off, cut out, the crazy in your life. The instability your kids will feel and experience if you stay married but in a situation where you are clearly miserable, there are constant fights, irrational actions by her and you clearly detest her is far greater than what they will feel if you can provide a happy, peaceful, attentive environment for them during the half time you have them. Yes there will be some difficulty during the transition to you living separately. But they will adjust and they will then thrive from their time with you. And they will have role modeling for what a stable environment looks and feels like.
Don't get me wrong here. I am not encouraging a D if you aren't sure that you no longer want JNRPA. But if you are sure of that, don't let guilt over the kids stop you. In the end, it will be best for them too.
I hope you can find peace in the coming months.


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 588 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC, it's good to hear you are progressing. I know we all understand about needing to step away. We all know this ace is filled with great guys who help a lot, but I have always felt that at some point it may be good to leave this place behind, either temporarily or permanently, in order to break free of the betrayed husband identity.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and props to the guy with the bat signal.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
TheCollector
♂ Member
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderboy that's how I feel... It's been 2 years and I truly feel like giving up but I feel it would be me leaving the marriage when in reality it's just finally accepting that SHE left the marriage 2 years ago


Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been gone for awhile so I'm not up on what has happened to WB. When I left they seemed to be doing pretty good and the main focus was on starting the threads with some ridiculously cool graphics.

Obviously things have changed. To me the facts were exactly what TheCollector just said. My wife left the marriage and struggled to ever come back to it truly. She never started to show remorse until I showed that I was willing to walk. My WW caused the demise of our marriage, it just took me the better part of two years to mourn the loss of our M because I was so angry and hurt that I refused to work through the loss properly. I suppressed my feelings and stuck my head in the sand for the sake of protecting my kids. It is an honorable approach and I'm sure many can find success in doing so. I'm sure some are blessed to have a truly remorseful wife willing to do the work of R. I had neither the ability to successfully suppress my anger enough to make our M work nor a WW willing to do the her part.

To this day my STBXW believes that I am the cause for the D. Her year long PA and a year and half of false R with frequent NC violations had very little to do with our situation. It was me and my inability to "get over" her "one mistake" that is to blame. Sometimes I find myself buying into it a little too, but only for a moment. I know the work that I put into trying to salvage a crappy M. I feel liberated to be free of her and the agony that she brought me.

Unfortunately, it is the kids that suffer. I'm happier and healthier because of the D, but my children have struggled. I get half the time with them, which is good, but it isn't full time like we would all like. I know I can hold my head high because I literally did everything I could to salvage the M. My advice is to let yourself "feel" everything. Understand what makes you angry, sad, frustrated, happy, encouraged and any other emotion that seems to be a frequent feeling for you. Don't suppress or avoid feeling it. Talk it out. Understand it. Eventually what has to be done will be clear to you and you'll find peace whether the result is to R or D.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 6:56 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice, TC. It's great to see you back on the Menz thread.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fellas, I have a date on Saturday. She pursued me. She knows I'm leaving town, just not when (I don't know that either). She knows my whole situation. She asked a lot of good questions. And she still suggested we meet for lunch on Saturday. I have absolutely no expectations and she knows this as well. I gotta tell you, I think I'm ready to make a new friend. We shall see what happens.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 476 | Registered: Jul 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful, Sunsets. Predators can smell the blood on the water and you're still wounded. Don't get ahead of yourself.

Posts: 1312 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I know. Wall is up. She's provided enough local detail to satisfy me for now. Worst case is lunch out with a cute girl


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 476 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's awesome sunsets, hope it goes great on Saturday.

I believe allot of guys stay in the M after Dday due to worries about their kids. Finances too considering how the courts work the D settlements.

Razor, I'd be lying if I said children and finances weren't huge factors in my decision to get back on the R track. It's hard to untangle almost 19 years as a couple. A D would result in a lot of collateral damage. Those are valid considerations IMO, but there has to be more. There has to be an actual marriage, not just one on paper or that house of cards will eventually fall. I'm back in R mode, not just for the kids but because I still think there's a shot at rebuilding a good marriage and my wife got quickly back on track after a rough Thanksgiving week.

WB and I were in a similar frame of mind pre-Thanksgiving. The difference is he gave reconciliation 2 years, and I'm still shy of 10 months. 2 years is an honorable effort, especially with little ones involved. Less than 10 months was not enough of an effort, at least in my case. I have a wife who seems remorseful 95% of the time. The remaining 5% I attribute to her messedupness, but that's why we're here in the first place.

However this turns out, I realized that I had to stop projecting my own values and thoughts on my WW. I know what I'd do in her sitch. But I'm not in her sitch, did not have her FOO, did not develope the same denial/conflict avoidant/people pleasing coping skills, and am not prone to seek superficial validation outside of the marriage. I also didn't come into our marriage with the fear of intimacy and commitment that she brought after a childhood of seeing adults screw things up royally.

So now my goal is to try to look at her efforts from the standpoint of what reasonably can be expected of her, all things considered. Using that calculus I have to agree with our MC/IC - she has made great strides since D Day.

Expecting perfection from any human (including yourself) is a recipe for pain and disappointment. Expecting something close to perfection from someone who has proven to be serious flawed is just maddening. It sucks, but I've concluded that I need to adjust my expectations and accept that 42 years of dysfunctional coping skills don't fix themselves in 9-10 months. Not seeing things for how they really are is what caused me to miss what I now know were obvious signs of cheating for so long.

We'll see how this change in approach and perspective works. But for now I've decided to take the WB and TC route and give R a couple of years. And if that works out, I might take the 1985 and MoreWould route and give it a few decades.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 7:19 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunsets - I'm happy for you! Make lots of new friends! Freshly out there, with your experience and hard-won wisdom? You might be able to hang a shingle out on your new beachfront office, giving advice for cash.
Cash only! Don't need no steenking license!

You know where the tingle is, and know how to value it. Is it dick? Is it eyes? Is it heart?
You know.
You just know.
You are a high-value man.

hey knight! Thanks for the beer!
Cheers men!

partay at sunsets!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Posts: 5991 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My incredibly evil thought for the day.

X-mas cards are ready to go out, they are just waiting for my completion of the annual x-mas letter.

needless to say, I am struggling to find sufficiently pithy and heartwarming stories about the family.

All the envelopes are addressed and stamped. Wife is out of town.

Really want to announce the impending divorce to the world and lay out explicitly why and what she did to all her friends and family. Maybe include some of their more graphic emails.

God, that would be sweet. But probably not good for my kids, and might be uncomfortable for my wife. Plus it would make me look bat-shit crazy.

Just a sweet thought, that all our friends and family would know the truth.

Meh, back to work on the pithy shit I guess.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1263 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plus it would make me look bat-shit crazy.
Which is pretty fucked up, right? I mean, even the sanest people I know would think I was out of line if I did the same thing. I personally would think it's justice (or something resembling it), but others not so much.

I chalk that up to the idea that people want to live in their comfortable little bubbles, undisturbed by those elements of reality that could alter their view of people or things they know.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
TheCollector
♂ Member
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could have figured out to let it go and have her in my life, but for me I couldn't do it. I let the past go when I let her go. To me the two were intrinsically linked.

/\ /\ / I. I. I. This!!!
I am very afraid I am in this same boat. I love her but the betrayal is sooo extensive. She ruined the experience of my first child from start to finish for gods sake!

TC I swear your speaking from my mind! I just wish I was as far along as you.... FWW and I are still together and she doesn't get how unhappy I am really....but... Then again I put on a brave face.


Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.