Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really hurting right now. POSER (a former co-worker) is having a Christmas party at his apartment tomorrow, and it was all anyone could talk about tonight at work. Damn-near all my co-workers are going. My wife and I will be conspicuous by our absence. And they all have some idea what happened, because I got him fired very publicly from our place of employment. I'm so angry. I know I shouldn't really care...indifference, etc., but goddamnit!!!

I just want to go over there, drag him out, and kick the shit out of him in front of everyone.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fucking -a face punched. I should give some sage advice about being the better man and all that shit. But I wish I had the opportunity to beat the living shit out of OM. But fuck, we can't do that. Hell, if I raise my voice to my poor innocent homewrecking wife, I am being emotionally abusive. Heaven forbid people actually face the consequences of their actions. Everybody gets a fucking trophy, everyone is fucking special and entitled. Yada fucking yada.

But don't do it. It will just fuck up your life even more. and aren't we all fucked up enough as it is. Jesus...I am angry tonight. Sorry.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man this time of year is hard.Im triggering a lot.My children are sad they dont have a mother.My DS11 and I arent sleeping well still.He has been having nightmares and stomach aches alot lately.
Im sure glad her affair,abandonment, and the D isnt about the children.Because I'd hate for such a saint like her to have an ounce of guilt about hurting my children.
Maybe her and POSOM will attend an extra concert and give us the gorrie details how wonderful their life is.that would just complete our holiday for us.
Rant over thanks!


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched-

Screw the party and the POS giving it. Practice that indifference.

We spend our lives worrying what other people think, when we all know they actually think very little (literally) of us.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I will be conspicuous by our absence.

Don't sweat it, this time of year, especially the day before the day before we all have more we could do than time to do it. Doing things as a family, preparing for visitors or to be visitors, last minute errands, relaxing, X-mas show marathon, wrapping, spending time with non-work friends, volunteer work,....

Not attending a party thrown by POSER very publicly fired from your place of employment, sounds like good sense to me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Women get a different message. They're told they cheated only because we're assholes.
I've had the pleasure of being an asshole that "caused" my wife to cheat and now I'm the asshole who couldn't "forgive" her for doing it. The message seems to be passed on to those around her too. This past weekend I ran into my STBXW's mother, sister and best friend while shopping. You would think that I had an extremely communicable disease the way they acted. If looks could kill ..... It appears that I'm the "bad guy" for "putting the kids through this" and not her for pulling up her skirt for another man.

Sal, you are right that exonerating the A demons can be extremely difficult. For me the demons got the better of me. Maybe I was too weak. Maybe the transgressions were too great. In any event, the demons only left me when I let her go.


I'm so angry. I know I shouldn't really care...indifference, etc., but goddamnit!!!
Get it out FP. Your anger is there for a reason. Indifference is hard to obtain. I have indifference towards my STBXW and POSER, but I'm still struggling to find it with regards to how family and friends view our D. I want to tell them what a complete b**ch my wife had been, but I don't. Not sure I'll ever get true indifference to it all. It's better but still a work in progress.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to go over there, drag him out, and kick the shit out of him in front of everyone.

I know, brother. I know. But he'd still be a POS, and you'd be in jail. Wish I could kick the shit out of him for you while you are on vacation with a solid alibi.

In any event, the demons only left me when I let her go.

Then I'm happy for you, TC. They left - that's all that matters. I wouldn't say my demons are gone, but they're learning to behave themselves. Most of the time.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children are sad they dont have a mother.

Distraut, sending strength brother. Those kids will grow up one day and realize what a stand-up father they have, if they don't get that already.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ExhaustedWhat2do
♂ New Member
Member # 40947
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen,

I continually get:

- why didn't you fight for me when you discovered I was having an affair.
- if you ever really loved me you would have fought for me, just must mean that you didn't love me.

Oh i guess the recommendations and trying to get you to go to MC after you were confronted and admitted to the affair. Also after I discovered your torrid journal about your love/sex sessions, and then you denied ever having sex. I still told you that I loved you and was willing to work with you.

However, you continued to contact him. And still denied it. So after a month of that BS I serve you. Yet WW still has the nerve to say that i didn't fight. I'm not going to compete with another man, especially with a OM that would get involved with a married woman. I'm not going to stoop down to a lower level of values and beliefs to validate who you are as a person. That is your sh*t to own.

And no, i don't want to discuss our relationship and my feelings or your feelings. I'm seeing an IC and working on myself, I suggest you do the same. Of course you won't because you have some stupid belief that we have everything within ourselves to work through our own issues. Problem with that line of thinking, which you got from your loser father, is if you can't be objective and unbaised about yourself this will never happen.

I'm more than happy to discuss the logistics of our D though. I also don't want to hear that you want to restore our M, especially when you continue to see the OM. Which you continually tell me that I'm driving you toward because I don't want to discuss our past relaionship. Again more BS and justification for your behaviour.

Why would I fight for someone that is not even wanting to be fought for. This isn't high school or jr. high. I graduated from that crap decades ago. If you want to speak honestly, just say your are moving on with OM. Why are is she so afraid to actually admit this? It must be because she will need to face her own failures as a person and wife.

I try hard not to find a logical reason, because there is very little logic here.


BS(Me) 42
WW 43
DD 9/27/13
Married 6 1/2yrs; together 8
Going through Divorce, heading toward freedom

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of the men I've seen who describe their marriages as recovered have done so within the framework of negotiating a new marriage that is less enmeshed than the previous one.

That is what I am doing. Basically I do what I want. I am not abusive toward her. Just detached. I usually invite WW to come along with me and share what I have decided to do. Usually she doesnt participate. Which is fine by me.

I think *moving on* is different than *getting over*. For me. I know that I will never *get over* WWs LTA. I have a vast sea of resentment toward her over that. And as long as I resent her because of her LTA then I will never *get over it*. But getting over it isnt my goal. I have basically just turned my back to her and her LTA and have focused on me and what makes me happy. As I said WW is invited to come along as I continue on my life path. But in truth I really dont give a damn if she does or not.

Its sort of a emotional divorce I suppose. A emotional distancing rather than a physical one. To put it bluntly. My *give a damn* is broken.

Should I ever D WW. She has promised a *scorched earth* tactic wherein the only winners will be the lawyers involved. She would drain our savings of all that I worked for which would ruin the possibilities for a good life for me. I am old enough that going back to work would be tough. So I want to avoid that.

So a emotional divorce works for me.

As was said we really cant know if our WW will cheat again. It could be likely. Maybe that threshold is easier to step over the second time. That choice is totally out of our control though. If our WWs were to make that choice I am certain they all could contrive reasons to do so. We could be the noblest of men but if our WW decide to cheat they just will and there is nothing we can do to prevent it.

So for me. If that happens I will just increase the emotional distance and will likely turn it into a physical one as well. Sometimes whats broken cant be fixed and we need to recognize that when its true. And we all adapt to that situation in our own way.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post you made yesterday Sal1995. I agree on most of the things you wrote about the A and the R.

Guy's, I need your thoughts here. Summary of the A :

WW had a 6 long weeks A last winter. Dday was on September 30th when I found an old email. Between her A and Dday, she started IC by herself. Since Dday, she had IC every week, and we're having MC on a 2-3 weeks basis. She's been reading her 3rd books about the A. I see clearly that she wants to change.

So, here's my question. Each Christmas, I was giving her a Christmas gift that I was taking a lot of time to choose, a special gift. This year, even if I still love her, I don't even feel that I should buy her a gift. She f****d her COW and lied to me for a whole year, I think that she doesn't even deserve a lump of coal. I think I will only buy her a small gift so the children won't ask any questions. When she saw that there was no gift for her under the Christmas tree, she even came to me saying that when I will give her a gift, she wants me to truly mean it.

So my question is : What are you going to do this Christmas?


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen,

I continually get:

- why didn't you fight for me when you discovered I was having an affair.
- if you ever really loved me you would have fought for me, just must mean that you didn't love me.

What does "fight for me" actually mean? Does it mean beating the crap out of the OM? Or does it mean having long discussions about how this is all your fault complete with delusional thinking and excuse making? The only one worth fighting for in that situation is you.

My own WW's delusions and "stubborn as an army mule" thinking reappeared this weekend. Years ago we read about "love languages." Hers was me fixing anything that broke, and mine was affection and sex. So somewhere in her fizzing brain she decided long ago that "No, the way you know I love you is when I cook for you. That way I can avoid all affection and sex without feeling like a terrible wife." So how was your weekend?

To put it bluntly. My *give a damn* is broken.

Razor always puts things in a better way than I ever could.

greengiant - your Christmas gift to your WW is you.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Green.

I know how you feel. And I bet most guys here do as well.

The gift thing is just a bitch KWIM? Not just christmas but valentines day. birthday. wedding anniversary. Im always at a loss as to what to do because I pretty much dont feel anything for WW.

What do I do? I fake it. I buy her a nice gift. Something I think she could use or something she might like. I dont put a hole lot of attention or emotions into the choice though. I pretty much do that to keep the peace around the house.

If I got WW nothing she would get all pissy and pushed out of shape. She would ruin the holiday for everyone around her.

Thats probably not great advice. Hope someone smarter than me steps in to give better advice.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks greengiant. I'm doing the regular Christmas thing with the wife this year, but our D Day was back in February. Our anniversary was back in April, a little more than 2 months after D Day. Which also happens to be the month her affair started in 2012 (our freakin' anniversary month - still makes me sick). I can't recall buying her anything or even celebrating the anniversary at all, although the first few months are a blur of shock and pain. The next month was Mother's Day. I got her a Bible, nothing else. So she could read the 10 Commandments.

This is still pretty fresh for you. If you don't feel like getting her anything more than a token gift, I don't blame you a bit. And she shouldn't either. If I were in her shoes, I'd be ashamed to receive anything at all from you.

But I don't pretend to understand the WW mindset. Point is, I don't think there's anything you can do "wrong" in this situation. Do what your heart tells you to do, brother. If she doesn't like it, tough shit. There are consequences to bad behavior, something we all should have learned early in life.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

POSER (a former co-worker) is having a Christmas party at his apartment tomorrow, and it was all anyone could talk about tonight at work

I got him fired very publicly from our place of employment

Sounds like your co-workers need an attitude adjustment. Hell with them. Throw your own party for people who are FOM. POSER ain't worth your time.

kick the shit out of him in front of everyone

You got him fired. The people who *hang* with him aren't worth your time either.

Sorry FP, Strength. FWW helping?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SuperDuper,

Hell, if I raise my voice to my poor innocent homewrecking wife, I am being emotionally abusive. Heaven forbid people actually face the consequences of their actions.

Sorry bro. Sucks. So quit abusing her(Sarc). Kids and finances only. Go dark. FTB. Has she faced any?

Strength

Distraut, you're a great Dad. Long term, kids are probably better off.

Sal, great post.

Exhausted,

- why didn't you fight for me when you discovered I was having an affair.
- if you ever really loved me you would have fought for me, just must mean that you didn't love me.

Wow, just wow. The emotional depth of saran wrap. You probably would have stepped in front of a bullet for the woman you loved. Unfortunately, the woman you discovered isn't the one you thought you loved. Too bad for her. Sluts aren't worth fighting for. I'm pissed for you brother.

Green

When she saw that there was no gift for her under the Christmas tree, she even came to me saying that when I will give her a gift, she wants me to truly mean it.

That's actually a pretty encouraging statement. I'm almost 2 years out. Not doing anything major yet. Still kind of tentative. R is tough.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen,

I’m just dropping back in to wish you all the best in your journey back to the light. Holidays can be tough, especially for those of us who had their “season of the A” around Christmas.

But you are Men among men, Honor above honor, Virtue beyond virtue. Even with your hearts cut out you show Strength above strength. I am more proud of you than any group of guys I know. I have learned more from you than I know. Words cannot express my deep gratitude for your wisdom.

No matter which path you take, you will love, and be loved again. Some, like me, will find our W back in our arms, the A eventually erased from her forehead (if not completely forgotten).

Others will move on and find new love. All will learn to love ourselves again.

One Light. One World. One Race. One Heart. One Love.

Peace, Brothers.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 2:41 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like Kite's answer - your gift is you.
Tough time of years guys. Stay busy. Hug and play with the kiddos so much that there's no time for anything else.
Just a PSA - for those who are at a certain stage, and think it couldn't happen to them:

Woman tries to frame H with child porn
http://tinyurl.com/lzmn5fc



Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's not Friday, but it is Tuesday Eve. Time for a libation and to get some down time for the holidays! Can't drink all week if you don't start on Monday

Peace and love.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like your style Tred. My mother called to ask what I wanted for tomorrow night. I went for it. I said Bombay Sapphire. Hoping there's a shiny bottle of tasty under the tree when I get there.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.