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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal wrote I really need to stop reading other forums...the immaturity, selfishness, and total separation from reality displayed by some is maddening. I feel bad for their spouses.

yup.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:45 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So. Would you rather have a beautiful wife that cheated (now reformed; or a homely but faithful wife?

As one who married a beautiful woman, way out of my league, this one is easy. If I could go back in the wayback machine I'd take a homely but faithful woman any time. As a matter of fact there's one that fits the bill who I was close friends with before my marriage. She's made it plain to me over the years, through internet correspondence, that she'd like to try to make that happen with me. The problem is that I have no feelings for her in that manner. Lousy feelings.

But how do you reconcile in your mind when your FWW says it was just sex with OM but with you it is "making love"?

Love? Maybe she has absolutely no idea what love really is. Sorry but that sounds like b.s. to me.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheers from Cordelle, GA. Cheap whiskey in a paper motel cup. Vacation has officially begun.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunsets...happy new year to you. Let us know when you make it to the beach. Bring the paper cup along.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year to you kg. No paper cup needed. Where I'm going it's straight from the bottle.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Watermelon Capital of the World! Woot!
When you get to the beach, sunsets...pictures...'swhat I'm sayin...
This Thread is Useless Without Pictures from Sunsets..ttiuwpfs!

Herkemeyer))) I dunno man. I got a bunch of words, a veritable waterfall. Thing is, all they did was hide an empty cave behind. So I have developed sort of a love/hate relationship with words.
That kind of thing- oh, so it was *just sex* and you *love* me! - used to twist my mind in all kinds of directions...

Then I realized, that's what they were meant to do!
She used my goodness, my analytical, introspective "abilities" against me.
Blech! No more!

I think of that shit as meaningless word salad now. It means nothing. It's all designed to confuse you and hide shit. I think that. Really.
I mean, where's the snot-bubbling remorse?
Where are the consistent actions (NOT WORDS MOTHERFUCKKKER!) that show me you're a safe partner? That show your hands are a 'safe place' to place my heart in now?

It got to where when her lips were moving, I heard WHITE NOISE, and SAW VISIONS.
Crazy huh?
Maybe.
But that "silence" forced me to heal. By myself.
Without corrosive MEANINGLESS words. That was hard, o so very hard for me.
Because I've always loved the beauty they could spin,

and she knew that.


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct, I haven't figured that part out. I'm pretty much a Druid. I got a tech guy I'll ask.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW has no clue at all about what actual love is. She seems to think *love* is all hearts and flowers and unicorns farting rain bows. She doesnt get that right after Dday me sticking around and wanting to save our M was a sign of REAL love.

Love makes you go to uncomfortable places for the sake of the other. Love is about the bond. But also about sacrifice. Honesty. and Commitment. Farting unicorns have really nothing to do with it.

Now this *make love* vs *just sex* thing I dont really get. To me talk like this seems more about minimizing than anything else.

For those of us whos WW had a LTA. We have to face a VERY hard truth. My WW was deeply in love with OM. The sex they had was every bit as deep and meaningful as any out there. Their emotional bond was as tight as any M couple out there.

Thats the truth. And as we all know the truth is a bitch. But Im not into minimizing or putting lipstick on that pig.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of us whos WW had a LTA. We have to face a VERY hard truth. My WW was deeply in love with OM. The sex they had was every bit as deep and meaningful as any out there. Their emotional bond was as tight as any M couple out there.

I agree with Razor. My wife slept with another man, often, for 10 months. She stopped because I caught her. He may have been a diversion, he may have been second fiddle to me, they may never have spent an entire night together, but they still did what they did and it would be silly to think that it somehow was meaningless, just a way to kill a few hours each week. And they texted like crazy even when she was at home, so they actually gave each other a big portion of their daily lives.

"It was just sex" would actually be more disturbing to me on some levels than if it was all about love making. If my wife didn't at least perceive the affair as meaningful in some way and betrayed me just for the hell of it, that's really troubling. I'm sure it was some combo of the two, but since the affair was illicit, dishonest, and seedy (by definition), the "love making" aspect has to be taken with a grain of salt.

I think it's safe to say that our wives were not in a good place mentally and emotionally when engaging in these acts. Trying to make sense of destructive and hurtful behavior is only going to drive you crazy. It's hard to do but I'd rather focus on post D Day acts. If she went NC and is trying to R with you, her husband, that's what I think a BM should focus on.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sex they had was every bit as deep and meaningful as any out there.

I believe that Razor is spot on with this statement. It took me a while to get to understanding this because FWW described the sex looking back through post-dday glasses. The further we got from dday, the less meaningful and pleasant the sex became. In reality the sex she had with the OM was as meaningful and fulfilling for her as the sex she had with me prior to her As, and more so during her As. Especially for FWW because sex is not connected to any emotional intimacy for her, it was more about power and control. She enjoyed more power and control in providing sex to the OM than she did with me. I think this is why she was willing to do things with them she does not, or rarely, will do with me.

Any problems with the sex were more related to the environment. Meeting someone in the middle of the day between appointments for sex, worrying that his BW might come home unexpectedly (or that someone would recognize her walking into motel with him), his and her pagers and cellphones going off the entire time, no alcohol or romantic mood lighting, laying on a dark office floor being humped; I can see where it was not always stellar sex. OTOH, she has admitted to screaming Os at times and early on mentioned, then quickly recanted, how his cock fit just right for Os.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have been out of town for awhile completing some training and am trying to play catch up. Just want to extend a heartfelt and belated Merry Christmas to everyone on here.

I think it's safe to say that our wives were not in a good place mentally and emotionally when engaging in these acts. Trying to make sense of destructive and hurtful behavior is only going to drive you crazy. It's hard to do but I'd rather focus on post D Day acts. If she went NC and is trying to R with you, her husband, that's what I think a BM should focus on.

I agree with Razor and Sal on the whole "it's just sex" item. My WW still believes that the OM or I will come crawling back to her when she should be crawling back to me.

On a personal note, my holiday has been interesting in that I did not think of my WW but thought more about how I should have done something to the OM when I caught them. More in regards to beating him up but realize that my integrity/morals will not allow me to act on them. Makes me realize I am a better person than OM as I have beliefs/values that were instilled in me since childhood.


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeh the sex thing is rough to get over. *get over* isnt the right way to put it.. maybe *get past* would be better. Because I will never be *over* her LTA.

The feeling of it being only mine. The specialness of it. The intimacy. The mental images. Its rough.

Then there are the things that our WW say to us after Dday. My WW was into *punishment by truth* She would offer up tidbits of information. Often unasked for by me. Like I would ask a question about the sex and she would dump a avalanche of really horrid images on me.

She would tell the truth in the most brutal way possible. I think she did this to keep me from asking any further questions. Putting fear into me about what her answers would be so that I would not ask any questions.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in brothers. Been wicked sick for the last couple of weeks. But starting to feel better now.

Hope y'all had a decent xmas and are able to celebrate the new year with someone worthwhile!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back. Thought things had gone a little quiet in your neck of the woods.
Was going to ask if there had been any improvements, but...
able to celebrate the new year with someone worthwhile

kinda answered that. You ok?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The holidays have been rough...here is to a better new year.


MeBS age 60
Her -- WS age 58
Married for 33 years
One child, 30yrs

I changed my username to Camalus...the Celtic God of War, Sky, and Retribution.
Camalus wore the horns for a brief period of time


Posts: 93 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in from Italy. People here drink a shit ton of wine, myself included. We went to Zagreb, Croatia over the weekend. It was absolutely amazing. First time in my adult life where I haven't felt freakishly tall.

Posts: 1316 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yo gents. ... figured I'd check in as well. I've been a busy boy the past few weeks. Christmas Vacation is over (and no, I didn't turn into Clark Griswold) so it's back to work and back to the grind.

On the question of sex... my W has told me that it was basically awful and that it didn't mean anything and the she just laid there and cried the whole time. Thing is...know in her how I do, I have a hard time with that. She is so much about emotional connection during sex that I don't see how it couldn't have meant something deeper for her. But she has told me that it was all him and that she didn't enjoy it so.... why do it at all, then? Something don't quite add up for me. But it has been 4 years and she may not really know anymore.

Who knows. Wishing you gents the best.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evening gents. Drive by Tredding

Good to see you WB. Been superduperwondering about you.

Hopeless, glad you don't look down on Croatia

Less than 48 hours from now this year is history. Good riddance.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my W has told me that it was basically awful and that it didn't mean anything and the she just laid there and cried the whole time.

I was told the same thing.
Your question @ 'why do it then?'
is your gut telling you're being lied to.

Faux remorse. Bul;l;
(in my case, it was the manipulation-du-jour). Nothing real came out of her mouf.
She manipulated me so well because she manipulated herself into believing her own manufactured lies so well.

Why spend the energy? (And such energy it spends!)
Because the need to avoid the truth hurries their brush strokes to paint a false picture. It's colorful and all, sometimes cool and full of circus sex, and fun for all and all that stuff, but in the end, living without the truth was draining me. I felt my wet limp dick on my thighs and thought; "Is this what I have become? Is this the sum of me?"
Aw hail noa.

I drank those mindmovies so much my dick is limp.
(it's just not wet)


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Impossible schemes, after all
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iybAyDFrhhI

Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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