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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I get over feeling like a doormat?

You get thru it by just being yourself and moving on with your life. You get thru it by slowly building confidence in yourself. By striking out on your own either with or without your WW. Being yourself and being true to that.

At the end of that. You come to the POV that what other people think of you is not important. Your friends will appreciate you for what you are and what you have done. And if they dont then they are not your friends and who gives a shit what they think?

Your internal dialogue changes once you start to move forward under your own propulsion rather than just float along just following the currents that just come along or are created by others.

If you are true to yourself you will never be a doormat.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How do I get over feeling like a doormat?" I mean, read my profile. Some guy comes up to me on July 5th and tells me this is what his wife is doing and I'm like, "grow a pair man, get the 'eff' out of there." And yet, here I am, trying to make it work. How do I do that without completely tearing up my man card? I really feel like my self-esteem is going to be a major obstacle to reconciling. Is there a way around that?

Staying for your children, if that's what you decide to do, is an unselfish, courageous act. Laying down your life for others, etc. This is what I did. But looking back on it almost 20 years later, I should have bailed after D-day 1 because of the damage it did to our son. There's no easy solution or answer but neither path should lead someone to believe they're any less of a man.

Not telling you about contact from an OM is a danger sign no matter how it's explained. I was tempted recently and told WW about it because I know what hiding information can lead to. An A starts with an "innocent" email, phone call, lunch, meeting, etc. but can spin out of control in a hurry. Absolutely nothing should be hidden from you. You shouldn't be asking her, she should be giving you information before you ask for it.

Nice letter, N&D. Thanks for sharing it.

Covering her butt & trying to avoid consequences is more important to her right now than fixing herself and making you feel safe in the relationship.

This is a huge point not to be missed.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor posted:

Welcome to the *WW had OM in our bed* club. Its a nasty place to be.

Early in the PA OM would hide in our neighborhood and wait for me to leave for work then swoop in to bang the WW.

On some days WW went in early and they would both come back to our house for a banging lunch time.

I remember WW asking me to remove the middle seat in our mini van so she could haul some stuff around for work. Turns out that she and OM would take the van down to the beach and bang away to the pounding of the surf.

Several times I would travel for business and OM would be at our house allot.

One time in particular I was away for a month. OM came and lived at our house WITH MY KIDS THERE full time while I was gone. OM had told his BW that he was traveling for business. So OM was not just my bed. But my shower. And my 2 person bath tub with the fire place near by.

I am convinced that OM took souvenirs. Some of my things were missing when I returned from that month long trip. WW maintains OM would *never do that*. Yeh. Right. Such a honorable guy is he.

My solution to this pollution of my space was to move. To bad. It was a really nice house to.

Sometimes life just hands us a shit sandwich and all we can do is to take a bite and try and smile about it.

Sorry I have no soothing words. This is just another shitty thing we have to learn to live with.

You will get through it though. Hang tough.

Tred posted:

DD,
Damn brother. So sorry to hear that. My wife had her AP at our house. Swears it was just for a few minutes. Yeah, I have trouble believing that too. Said she came back with him because she left "something" on. Whatever. Nothing else was sacred, so why should I expect my bedroom to be? Hell, she used our toys with him. If I ever find out this is a lie on my own, it's over. She's had enough chances to be honest.

SAL1995 posted:

DD, on second thought, I would seriously flip my shit if I found out that my bed was infected by my wife's seedy affair. I couldn't blame you at all if it turns out to be a dealbreaker if true. It would probably be one for me, too.
Like Tred said, nothing is sacred. Nothing was in my case. If my wife didn't invite the OM into our home, it was only because he was single and had his own place for convenient, stress-free screws. If our home was the most convenient place? No question that's where it would have occurred.

To be honest, I'm pissed at your neighbor. What's the point in volunteering shit like that, especially during the holidays? You already knew about the affair and was trying to R. Why place negative thoughts about your own home in your head? It would be different if you didn't know about the affair and he was breaking it to you, with supporting evidence. But that's not the case here. Bad form IMO, especially coming from a fellow BM.

Thank you all. This past Tuesday I went back and looked at my notes from last year, then drove by the OM's place an took a pic of the car. It is the one.

I confronted the WW this morning and told her that I knew the OM was over at our house, that people here in the neighborhood saw his car, and that once again she had trickle truthed me.

"Did you have sex with him in our bed?"

"Yes."

"How many times did he come over here?"

"I don't know, maybe three times total."

"Were the kids here when he was?"

"No! God no!"

"You fucked another man in our bed... OUR BED?!!!"

"Yes R____, what do you want me to say?"

"Say goodbye. We're done. The divorce is back on. I'll call the lawyer today and get it back on the calender. I want you packed up and out of here by tomorrow. I'm staying at a motel tonight. Tell your parents or I will."

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 2:12 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I don't know, maybe three times total."

I'm sorry DD. That had to be hard to hear. Especially when they qualify an answer with "I don't know maybe XYZ". Seems like minimizing to me. In the early days of JFO I asked my wife how many times they slept together, she had a similar response "I don't know, maybe 5 or 6 times". Ok, so was it five or was it six? The details were vague because she was lying and minimizing, trying to protect herself. It was no where close to the truth.

I'm sorry she didn't get it that after the A, lies doom the marriage. We all know the analogies. Life would be so much easier if they just told us the truth when we asked for it. Hell, I might not be in therapy.

Best of luck.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what do you want me to say?
AYFKM?
How about sorry I shit all over you, our M and our marital home?

So sorry brother. Hope you find some peace now.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3364 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Did you have sex with him in our bed?"

"Yes."

I'm so sorry, DefeatedDad. There's only so much pain and humiliation a man should have to endure. Sending strength, brother.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.

I'm actually doing okay. I'm surprisingly calm and I'm not really hurting too bad. I feel relief more than anything.

What's surprising is that my WW is not lighting up my phone. Unlike the prior time I busted her for TTing me.

She knows I'm done, we're done. She had her chance and she fucked it up again. I gave her every chance in the world, every opportunity to play it straight with me, and the truth caught up with her once again.

It's sad that our children will have to go through a divorce because their mom is a coward.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 2:34 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing the OM in the marital bed is apparently rare. The PIs that tracked my wife while I took our kids on a 4-day vacation that she refused to go on said that they almost never see that and that "something must really be wrong with your wife" to do that.

My ex-w moved OM into the house the night me and the kids left and moved him out the day we got back. They 'played house' for 4 days.

They also went to bars, a country music concert, dinner and all sorts of fun stuff. Too bad for her that GPS tracks, photographs, video and eyewitness accounts had it all documented.

Not that it mattered much. I live in a no-fault state. But at least the bullshit stopped when I showed her the PI's report.

Damn those guys were good!

And so a 24- year marriage and great family burned to the ground.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin did getting your divorce give you some sense of closure?

Are you and your xWW friends today?

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 2:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brutal, DD. I'm sorry to hear about your pain.
I've heard it said a million times, but it really IS the lies told after DDay that destroy the chances of reconciliation.

Most of us are strong and forgiving enough to withstand that huge blow with the idea that going forward they have no desire to be that person any longer, and that people can change...but each little lie left untold and discovered erodes that belief bit by bit.

It's like a base relief sculpture that crumbles away to reveal the ugliest person ever.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing the OM in the marital bed is apparently rare.
^^^I disagree, probably because my STBXWW did it as well and lied about it too. I also think they just lie about it for obvious reasons because that's just some low down shit. I am almost positive I can pinpoint the first time it happened because I remember a random out of the blue request from her to help her flip the king sized matress on our bed. She blames it on the kids peeing on the bed but that hadn't happenend in awhile. I didn't think about it at all at the time but the clarity of being gas free (no gaslighting) for some time makes you remember shit.

I also got the once or twice response but she had a 3 yr LTA so it was way more than that. I also can remember the random calls during the day on days she knew I was out of town for a meeting. She would ask some random question but it was a check to see where I was.

The thing that pissed me off about all this at the time was I asked her questions right after Dday and she lied. The biggest one being how long had the A been, her response I don't know, a few months. Lie number 1, that shit was 3 yrs. If she had told me the truth then no big deal but I would find out that she only told me the things I found out about. it really is the TT and continual lying after Dday that kills whatever is left. I didn't want to play Sherlock Holmes the rest of my life. You lie to me for years and now you think you get to control what I get to know about your fucked up life. I finally woke up realized she wasn't truly remorseful, said fuck it, and filed. Haven't looked back since and it was the best damn decision I made in the last decade.

I know you asked Merlin but i'll answer as well. Did I get closure, yes but not in the normal sense. There was no finite end to it because I have to deal with her for the rest of my life because we have kids but there was definite closure because the slow death stopped. There is freedom in saying no more i'm done. It took me 2 years to realize that her A was in fact a dealbreaker and I was fighting against it the entire time. She just helped me realize it with the little lies that I discovered over time.

Kind of like you are trying to fix an old building with a hammer and chisel slowly and carefully so it doesn't destroy the structure itself or the other buildings around it. One day you finally say fuck it and bulldoze the building and the entire block to get a fresh start.

So yeah I got my closure in the form of I can build whatever I want for the future now.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 years. Did your kids know why you filed? Mine do not and they are really confused and angry.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Closure DD?

In an important sense - yes. She is gone as my wife and I could not pretend that I could be married to her while she had another man in her life and between her legs. She saw nothing wrong with that.

The divorce laws in NJ prevent me from real closure. She receives a large permanent monthly alimony check. So every 30 days, the wound re-opens and my financial life swoons. There is not getting over that short of becoming a scofflaw.

So, no we are not 'friends'. She is a parasite I cannot shed myself of or from. Not because of her but due to the insane divorce laws I had the bad fortune to divorce her under. Yes, she takes every advantage of those laws and is thereby scum. But she is following the law.

She is a drunken shell of a woman. My kids describe her as a marginal caretaker who is less a mother than a housekeeper.

On the upside, she is still with OM 5 years later. There's that.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Closure is a myth in my opinion. Divorce allowed me to move in a different direction. It was sort of like having a tumor removed. You're going to have some nasty scars for the rest of your life and there will probably always be some fear of remission in the back of your head but at least that tumor is only a painful memory.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. There is no easy way through this but I have to think that divorce is the less difficult way forward.


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said H0peless!


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear you were treated to some more TT DD. Went through the same thing with my WW. She felt so "bad" having sex with OM in the marital bed, she eased her guilt the next time (and the time after that) by having sex in the spare bedroom. As if that was supposed to make her disrespect more bearable. It's like serving up a shit sandwich and then making you wash it down with a shit smoothie.

"Were the kids here when he was?"

"No! God no!"

I sense your WW was somewhat indignant when you asked this? I'm probably projecting my own sitch here, but it always pissed me off when my WW tried to not only minimise her actions, but then act like she deserved a pat on the back because she didn't do x, y or z with OM coupled with an accompanying attitude of "how dare i think she could have done such a thing!!!"

The gift of reconciliation can only work when a WS is prepared to let go of the outcome rather than trying to manipulate it. As the old saying goes "the naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie". Stay strong DD...


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefeatedDad

Sorry brother. It totally sucks. I wish I had some magic words for your healing.

But I can tell you this. If you are going ahead with divorce, time to get your war footing. Lick your wounds, because it hurts, but strap it up because divorce is war. You are going to need your head on straight, because divorce favors women, even cheating women.

Play nice if you need to in order to get the best deal. But do not trust her at word if it is not in a signed document. Seriously, remember where trust got you last time.

And one more thing. At least for me, getting into a war footing was fucking therapeutic. I spent less time thinking of the pain of infidelity and more time on the battle. Personally, I would rather be in the fight than nursing my wounds. You might find it helpful in moving past the wave of pain.

Anyway, strength and healing to you, however you get there.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefeatedDad - Just wanted to voice my support for you. I, too, am one of the unlucky ones whose wives brought an OM into the marital bed. Words can't describe the feeling of violation. I feel your pain, man.

Take care, and best of luck moving forward in this new direction.


Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking back in, just caught up, sounds like some painful shit going on out there! Sending strength fellas!

Despite this shit we've all been handed I hope that most us were able to find some enjoyment in the holidays.

Started breaking down Christmas morning, had to walk out of the room so the kids didn't see. Thank god family came over shortly after to keep me occupied the rest of the day. Christmas was such a magical time for poser and WW to rekindle their relationship. Nothing says family like professing your love to someone else.

Hope 2014 is better than the dark ages (2009 - 2013)this LTA shit sucks!

I did just see one thing that makes me think this year is already looking up. I know things will be going a lot better for me as soon as the UPS man drops mine on the front porch.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later, I think my tagline's for you too.
1st xww and I are ok - not friends - but I really feel sorry for her, because the fallout from her lies has not been dealt with well by my youngest son. I think she may be ready to help with his healing with a big "I didn't tell the truth about your father" speech. I'm working on it with her.

You know how it is with boys...we automatically love our moms, so his anger at his life change was directed at me. Which she supported I suppose - I wasn't there, but after talking to her over the holidays, I think, hope, pray she's ready to own her shit with him. I spent most of the limited time I had with her convincing her it 'wasn't about me, or what I needed', assuring her.
Really, she's ok, really nice and normal - she just made effed up choices and doubled down and M'd the poser.

The 2nd xww.
fucked poser in the marital bed
& actually many other posers besides in other places...

I don't care anymore. I still sleep well in that old inanimate motherfuker that conceived my boys and felt its cheat on sheet. It's not me, so I have sweet sleep.

I do have it in mind though to change it this year.
Hammer down. Be firm. Just do it in you own mind's time. It's exalted then.

Sweet sleep to the true ones
I do wish.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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