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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jtom,
I believe heartbroken0903 is a FWW who is dating her BH (there may be more but that is all that comes to mind). She may be able to give you some input, although probably not the perspective you are looking for.


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck me.

Just got off the phone with my boss. Found out I'm getting demoted tomorrow. I know work has been tough lately and I'm a bit of a square peg in a round hole as a manager (I'm much better on the technical side of things), but damn... Fucking kick in the gut.

Haven't exactly been feeling 100% mentally over the past 8-9 months, and stress at work has been through the roof. I don't know... maybe if this means less stress it will be a good thing.

Just... wow. Sucks.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to ask the BS who are a little further down the road 2,3 some of you 10 years R or at least attempting to. Some of you say you still get panic attacks or around D day anniversary time you still may get mental pictures in your head of the A. There are some that say you still don't completely trust or respect your ww or in some cases fww. Is this how I can expect to live if I R? im not sure I can, how do you BS and FBS deal with this?

19+ years out from D-day 1. Panic attacks very rare in the beginning and have never happened since. The mind movies stopped long ago after I finally took back ownership of my thought life.

Still don't trust WW and never will again. Why should I? After all these years she still hides, minimizes, and covers her butt. If I even mention her A's, or allude to them, she punishes me. It happened again just yesterday.

How you can expect to live if you R is entirely up to you. Maybe your WW will awaken from her fantasy slumber and do the hard work to reestablish trust and intimacy with you. Mine didn't. I stayed to raise our son to adulthood - mission accomplished. Now it's more convenient financially for both of us to stay married. She's only home on the weekend and is an occasional roommate.

I've carved out my own life with my own interests and friends. As long as she doesn't piss me off once too often, I'll stick around. If she gets sick of it all and wants out, there won't be any argument from me whatsoever. She knows that offer is always on the table.

There are consequences for our actions. For her, she gets to live with herself and who she is for the rest of her life. For me, it's being part of a half-assed marriage. It's obviously not what I planned or wanted when we got married but it is what it is. We make the best of the hand we've been dealt.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to read about your situation Never.

Well at least you found a great place to be.

I used to be Pissed off and Angry about my W a.

Give it time and the true option will open up.

Make a plan and stick to it.

My WW and I have been going to IC and MC for almost

2 months now and just going isn't the magic cure.

It's a start but the person has to want to changes. Focus on yourself and your kids.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW went out for her birthday this weekend. She constantly called me to let me know where she was at and going and coming home at the time she said she would. Sigh is this is what life going to be like for a while


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sproket - why were you not with her for her birthday?

Kite - I would be gone. Screw the money. Life is too short for that lifestyle.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ontheslope-

Sorry to hear that news about your job. I have to believe this whole infidelity business have taken a toll at work, too.

At this point, just be tough. In the work situation, you can always dig in, and show that you can get the job done. That might be what the boss is after, just getting your attention.

I'm sure if you get determined, you can rise above it.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some of the other betrayed husbands here, I'm curious about how you handled the news.

I've always been a laid back guy, while my wife is like the Sofia Veragara character on Modern Family. Sweet, but hot blooded. Once during an argument she complained about how I like to "breeze thru life". It later became an ongoing joke, and she calls me Mr. Breeze some now.

At any rate, when I finally confronted her about this situation from 20 years ago, she admitted, but said at the time she thought I wouldn't have cared. Some major rationalizing there, for sure. Anyway, I reacted very hot, not holding back any venom and disgust I feel at the situation. Many times she has mentioned that I surprised her with the intensity. I also called the shithead OM at his office (caught him on speakerphone) and repeatedly tried to call him out to settle things with our fists, called him a coward, afraid, etc.

My point is, I came on like a bull in a china shop, which surprised my wife. and she really responded positively to it, if that makes any sense. She's been remourseful in the extreme, not tried to blameshift, and is trying her best at all times to do anything I ask.

1. I wonder if coming on strong is just the best approach, or:
2. Behaving in a way your wife doesn't expect also helps.

What do you think?

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 9:28 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justgreatnews

I think it matters a whole lot on timing. You and I had Dday years after our WW had betrayed us. They had a lot of time to Make their peace with it. In that case I can tell you that moving right to a D was the only thing that shocked her out of this manufactured R. She assumed I wouldn't be as hurt, angry, etc. After all she was OK with it and had three years to tell herself that.

Keeping a WS off balance is always advantageous. Get them off the game plan that they created in their heads. It ceases the deception and manipulation on the WS part much quicker. In a way it is almost inevitable that the WS is going to "guess" at the BS behavior wrong. No one knows what will happen until they experience it firsthand.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so damn cold outside.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Funny  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You make a great point Numb. My wife had decided years ago that she was wrong and crazy, and had time to realize. Not sure what would have happened in the midst of things.

We're both very different people today.

I wouldn't have used the phone for OM back then, I'd have chased him down!

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 9:31 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was driving to work this morning for the first time after an extended holiday vacation. While driving I had a thought that shocked me a little bit.

I am 20 months past D-day. My wife on several occasions has asked if I still love her. I have told her not like before but yes.

I might get bashed for this but here it goes. I love her but I am not in love with her.

I finally realized it today. There is no one else but I don't have romantic feelings for my wife. We are a good team and get along 95% of the time but I don't feel romantically for her.

I am not scared she will leave because if she does I am perfectly ok with it. I think she knows this.
We got into a spat and she said "sometimes I want to just go". I said "take off".

Just feeling a bit put off after a long holiday. I realized that it's a good as it's going to get and it isn't very good.

I think my wife feels the same way too. I don't think she will admit it but I think that's how she feels.

We have a 4 year old so we probably aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

I am still working on me so I guess I keep doing that.

Any advice?

[This message edited by damaged71 at 11:39 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my wife feels the same way too. I don't think she will admit it but I think that's how she feels.

Ask her how she feels.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damaged, I may the last guy who thinks he has the answers, but all I can do is express my opinion.

That sounds like the recipe for disaster down the road. I can't tell you how to change your feelings, but I think ideally one can should go all in or all out.

But what the hell do I know.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thyme2go We went out to dinner Friday. Saturday is when she went out with her girlfriends. I have no desire to be around a bunch of woman


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no desire to be around a bunch of woman

^^^This. LOL

Damaged71


We got into a spat and she said "sometimes I want to just go". I said "take off".

Good Answer.

Keep working on you. If you feel the need to detach from her, do so. Go back to her and tell her you though about it and you wonder why it is you haven't left her cheating ass ? I guess it is the hope that people can change and honestly disprove the "once a cheater always a cheater," mantra.

Without remorse it doesn't look like it will change. You can stop engaging her, MC, ask her to read books or simply point out that people that are truly sorry and want to work things out don't make veiled threats about leaving. They own their short comings and work to address them.

Is she claims that she is, ask her what she has done. Saying words when you have proven to lie does not work. She needs to earn her way back into the M. Actions, not words or veiled threats. You don't care if she leaves, you'd probably prefer it, what is she going to do to change that ?

She cheated on you and then blamed you. That is a cruel thing to do.

With her reasoning victims of a tsunami are to blame because they decided to ignore the ocean ?

Put it back in her court. Make it her move.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 12:48 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally realized it today. There is no one else but I don't have romantic feelings for my wife. We are a good team and get along 95% of the time but I don't feel romantically for her.

I am not scared she will leave because if she does I am perfectly ok with it. I think she knows this.
We got into a spat and she said "sometimes I want to just go". I said "take off".

You know I have made that same comment to WW. *if you would rather be with OM. then GO. We will have a amicable D and each go our own way.*

Me and Mr.Kite are in similar situations. I stayed for my kids at first. And now I am retired and D her and loosing probably 70% of all that I worked for (allot of it during her LTA) would just make my life difficult. D would sorta be like punishing myself financially. Im also too old to go chasing skirts.

This is what my life is. Its not what I chose. But its where I am. And so really the only thing I can do is accept it and make the best of it.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my wife feels the same way too. I don't think she will admit it but I think that's how she feels.

Well I actually have asked her and she says she is 100% committed and will be there from here on out.

Her actions say that she really likes her life and it's too bad she doesn't love me. She isn't mean or anything but she was madly in love with me for 18 years. I know what that feels like. This ain't it.

I am all in. I have been from day one. I just can't help how I feel. Being the person that always gives 100%, I am trying to change back into what I want to be. She was in love with that person before I changed into what she wanted me to be and she cheated on me.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kite - I would be gone. Screw the money. Life is too short for that lifestyle.

I used to think that way too. but at 62, almost 63, and retired, my options for finding another mate or a high paying job are limited to say the least. I have no intention of spending my retirement years living in a crappy little apartment, eating beans out of a can and scraping by just because of Mrs. Kite's wayward lifestyle and the unfair divorce laws in my state. The good news is that I take 99% less crap from WW than I used to and live my own life the way I choose for the most part. To each his own.

It's so damn cold outside.

Here it's 31 with a low of 2 with 20 to 30 mph winds. Tomorrow the forecast calls for a high of 13 with a low of 10. Yikes!

Justgreatnews - WW has said to me more than once that "You're dead inside" due to what she perceives as a lack of emotions. Not true! It's called self-control. When OM1 was first revealed however, she said she was frightened for her life and threatened to call the cops. By the time OM2 was revealed years later I had calmed down considerably. Today I mostly don't give a crap. We evolve. Rather than adjusting your behavior based on what your WW either expects or doesn't expect, why not just be you?

damaged71 - I can totally relate to having love for someone you've been with for a long time but yet not being able to have romantic feelings for them. There are after all different types of love.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr Kite-

I think that I am now finally being "me" all the time. In years past, I had always tried to do whatever sounded right, whatever I thought she'd want, trying not to argue, etc. I had a job that it was very important that I keep in line, my nose clean, and not upset the apple cart. Not any more.

Since leaving that job, I no longer worry about much of anything. Since the big reveal, I've been quick to tell her when I'm pissed off, brooding over the old affair, or just don't like something she's done. It has been liberating, and made all the difference. We are both happier now with our daily routine; I just have the fucking mind obsession to deal with.

Hindsight is a nasty bitch.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
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