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User Topic: Calling all BSs...
Scientist
♂ New Member
Member # 40910
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is brilliant. I wish I had seen something this clear, and so accurate, at dday 1. Certainly the part about staying friends = high risk. I could have dealt with it there and then, and not had dday 2.
On the other hand, according to this analysis, chances of R are high for me/us, as WW appears to be doing all the right things, and doing them without any prompting by me. And keeps saying how ashamed she is about her choices, both of having a PA and the particular low-lfe OM.
So thank you for posting.


Me: 58
WW: 58
M: 36 years
Together 39 years
4 children, 1 grandchild
dday(1) July 2005; dday(2) September 2013

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
hurtsobadinside
♂ Member
Member # 35308
Happy  Posted: 6:25 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nomad

as mamy have said...this is absolutely brilliant.
I cant believe you have only 22 posts and been on SI only 8 weeks....

I agree this is definitely a Healing Library post.

Bravo....Bravo...Bravo

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one d-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later
I contacted AP's faithful wife and we both kept tabs on our waywards
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful



Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thank you for this post. It was great. I agree with all of it and it was very well written. I would have loved for you to touch on if you had no choice. Like when the remorseless wayward cheats and divorces. No remorse at all. But all in all it was excellent and I thank you


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 631 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like a reconciliation bible. I notice the parts that make my stomach sink because I still have work to do in them, and the parts that I recognize from the journey so far.

Biblical.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might also ask yourself this. If you had an adult son or daughter in your same situation, what would you want your child to do? What advice would you give?

well this hit me between the eyes...


well done!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4785 | Registered: Dec 2010
pretendingtobe
♀ Member
Member # 32690
Content  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU! I really needed to see this today.


Me:BW,, 47
Him:WH, 49
together 14 yrs.
married 6yrs.

Husband has had PA 7 yrs. ago
several online sexting, found out 05/29/11
another PA/EA:ended May,2011 found out July10/11
Husband thought we had an "open" marriage.Working on rec


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2011
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the positive feedback. The truth is this thread was created by YOU. It just reflects what I've learned from your stories and experiences. I am inspired by and in awe of all your willingness to share your difficult journeys and moments of triumph as well as to reach out and comfort complete strangers.


@ somanyyears - No, I don't have a Chevy Nomad. I picked that name because I love to travel.


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nomad,
You are gifted.
This is one of the best threads I have ever read.
It concisely sums up my experience. I wish I had read it on Dday----it would have helped me to see more clearly, sort thru the agony of the situation.
Thank you.

Can you write a guide for the WSs as well?


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Dec 2012
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing. You have captured so much of my journey and my mistakes.

Do you remember the song, "as if he'd found my letters and read each one out loud"

You sure have learned a lot in eight short weeks.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have loved for you to touch on if you had no choice. Like when the remorseless wayward cheats and divorces. No remorse at all.


Sadly, I've seen a lot of that here too. When this happens, it seems like the BS feels a huge loss of control. I'm sure a large part of it is that, not only are they hit with a tremendous betrayal, they may be given no time to process any of it. The WS doesn't just "leave" for the duration of the A but leaves permanently. And the WS has made all the decisions for the marriage and the BS has had no say in any of it, leaving the BS often feeling powerless and helpless.

But the BS ISN'T completely powerless or helpless because there's still a choice: stay or leave. The choice to stay or leave physically has been taken away but not whether you will stay or leave emotionally.


Even if your WS is leaving or has left you, you still have this choice to make. How so? If you read through the threads, you will see many BS whose WS have left, but the BS is still clinging to the hope the WS will come back. These BS have made the choice to stay even if they don’t realize it.


The WS has hijacked the marriage. Don't let the WS hijack your life.

It's natural to mourn the loss of a relationship. But then it's time for the BS to bury the dead and take back power. Choose to move on. Choose to be happy.

I know, I know--it's easier said than done. But I've seen so many BS here who've lived it and done it, and it's a sight to behold--talk about a group of empowered people.

[This message edited by nomadlady at 12:23 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This does need to be in the healing library..

I am working on a careful exit strategy and have seen several lawyers..For some people the exit strategy is quick, for others it can take years...

I am in the category of those who want a D..Unless my WH doesn't get awarded 50% in a settlement, a D will severely impact the quality of my life..I don't need much materially out of life, but by the same token I don't want to be so badly disadvantaged economically, that I have to go live with my mom or one of my grown sons...

My WH is unemployed voluntarily and purposefully flunks job physicals to make sure he does not get hired..His thinking is that this will get me off of his back about finding a job..He has no pension or savings to offer me in divorce..I would probably have to divide my meager pension and pay alimony in a settlement..I cannot live off of 1/2 of my pension without moving in with somebody or going back to work...

Since I am living off of pension and I am getting by economically for the time being, I don't want to have to go back to work full time any time soon..Severe injury impacted my mobility and caused me to take retirement when I did...

Even though I live in an in-house separation with WH because he refuses to leave, it may be quite a while before I feel healthy and strong enough to go back to work.I wish my health and inability to work full time could factor in a D so I could file for D sooner rather than later and and not ruin my retirement..I decided to retire versus trying for disability because I qualified for full pension from my company(to be paid monthly for the rest of my life )and the payout was more than disability would have been...

So maybe I am in the category of those people who feel that I have to stay in the in-house separation situation for now not because I like it or I get some payoff, but because I feel trapped..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:04 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
WIgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful. Thank you. Almost 6 months out and this is what I needed to read.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUMP


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Dec 2012
justdoit
♀ Member
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have written a fair number of analytical documents - but when it comes to my FWH, and the A, and DDay, and all the rest I have all I can do to write a coherent sentence. So I say BRAVO nomadlady! Very well done, and thank you!
So what does it take to add something to the healing library?


Me - 60
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done!!! This should be added to the healing library for everyone to read.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 340 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
Swims
♀ Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brilliant post! Thank you! There has always been references on SI to the WS handbook (ILYBINILWY, and all of the nonsense a BS hears) but this post is the TRUE handbook for the BS to sort out rational and reasonable responses in the face of such emotional turmoil. Thank you!

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
Livia1776
♀ New Member
Member # 41546
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a wonderful post! Even though it was years ago when my ex cheated on me, I'm still working through it, and this is just what I needed to hear. Bravo!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Los Angeles
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bookmarked and keeping in my arsenal. Thank you! :)


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
SilverRose13
♀ Member
Member # 33982
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, is all I can say. Just, wow. Also, I second the poster who asked if you could write a complimentary comprehensive for WSs to read. Your article was so well organized and thoughtfully planned. I think pinning it to JFO and the healing library would be an excellent idea. Thank you.


Together 16 years, Married 13
BS (me; 32)
fWS (wtsmm; 32) 2 1/2 yr LTA
2 children, 11 and 5
DD #1 9/27/2011 (EA/Sexting)
DD #2 10/3/2011 (Some PA)
DD #3 11/28/2011 (Full Disclosure)

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Northern Illinois
sideways
♂ New Member
Member # 41531
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It truly is a tour de force. My kindle is overflowing with self help books at $10 a pop. I'm paying for IC and MC. Your summary was way better pound for pound than all of it! Keep writing!

Once you get a grip on the dynamics you outline in the early sections, it really boils down to figuring out the answer to the Clash song question that you pose at the end…


together 23 yrs, married 19 yrs, 2 boys 11 and 14.
D Day: 9/8/2013 my wife had EA
we're both 47

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: east coast
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