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Calling all BSs...

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Scientist posted 11/24/2013 05:56 AM

This is brilliant. I wish I had seen something this clear, and so accurate, at dday 1. Certainly the part about staying friends = high risk. I could have dealt with it there and then, and not had dday 2.
On the other hand, according to this analysis, chances of R are high for me/us, as WW appears to be doing all the right things, and doing them without any prompting by me. And keeps saying how ashamed she is about her choices, both of having a PA and the particular low-lfe OM.
So thank you for posting.

hurtsobadinside posted 11/24/2013 06:25 AM


as mamy have said...this is absolutely brilliant.
I cant believe you have only 22 posts and been on SI only 8 weeks....

I agree this is definitely a Healing Library post.


me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one d-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later
I contacted AP's faithful wife and we both kept tabs on our waywards
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful

Thefly559 posted 11/24/2013 07:12 AM

I thank you for this post. It was great. I agree with all of it and it was very well written. I would have loved for you to touch on if you had no choice. Like when the remorseless wayward cheats and divorces. No remorse at all. But all in all it was excellent and I thank you

eachdayisvictory posted 11/24/2013 07:51 AM

It's like a reconciliation bible. I notice the parts that make my stomach sink because I still have work to do in them, and the parts that I recognize from the journey so far.


rachelc posted 11/24/2013 09:00 AM

You might also ask yourself this. If you had an adult son or daughter in your same situation, what would you want your child to do? What advice would you give?

well this hit me between the eyes...

well done!

pretendingtobe posted 11/24/2013 10:59 AM

THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU! I really needed to see this today.

nomadlady posted 11/24/2013 11:03 AM

Thanks for the positive feedback. The truth is this thread was created by YOU. It just reflects what I've learned from your stories and experiences. I am inspired by and in awe of all your willingness to share your difficult journeys and moments of triumph as well as to reach out and comfort complete strangers.

@ somanyyears - No, I don't have a Chevy Nomad. I picked that name because I love to travel.

mchercheur posted 11/24/2013 11:43 AM

You are gifted.
This is one of the best threads I have ever read.
It concisely sums up my experience. I wish I had read it on Dday----it would have helped me to see more clearly, sort thru the agony of the situation.
Thank you.

Can you write a guide for the WSs as well?

cantaccept posted 11/24/2013 12:17 PM

Amazing. You have captured so much of my journey and my mistakes.

Do you remember the song, "as if he'd found my letters and read each one out loud"

You sure have learned a lot in eight short weeks.

nomadlady posted 11/24/2013 12:22 PM

I would have loved for you to touch on if you had no choice. Like when the remorseless wayward cheats and divorces. No remorse at all.

Sadly, I've seen a lot of that here too. When this happens, it seems like the BS feels a huge loss of control. I'm sure a large part of it is that, not only are they hit with a tremendous betrayal, they may be given no time to process any of it. The WS doesn't just "leave" for the duration of the A but leaves permanently. And the WS has made all the decisions for the marriage and the BS has had no say in any of it, leaving the BS often feeling powerless and helpless.

But the BS ISN'T completely powerless or helpless because there's still a choice: stay or leave. The choice to stay or leave physically has been taken away but not whether you will stay or leave emotionally.

Even if your WS is leaving or has left you, you still have this choice to make. How so? If you read through the threads, you will see many BS whose WS have left, but the BS is still clinging to the hope the WS will come back. These BS have made the choice to stay even if they don’t realize it.

The WS has hijacked the marriage. Don't let the WS hijack your life.

It's natural to mourn the loss of a relationship. But then it's time for the BS to bury the dead and take back power. Choose to move on. Choose to be happy.

I know, I know--it's easier said than done. But I've seen so many BS here who've lived it and done it, and it's a sight to behold--talk about a group of empowered people.

[This message edited by nomadlady at 12:23 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

doggiediva posted 11/24/2013 12:58 PM

This does need to be in the healing library..

I am working on a careful exit strategy and have seen several lawyers..For some people the exit strategy is quick, for others it can take years...

I am in the category of those who want a D..Unless my WH doesn't get awarded 50% in a settlement, a D will severely impact the quality of my life..I don't need much materially out of life, but by the same token I don't want to be so badly disadvantaged economically, that I have to go live with my mom or one of my grown sons...

My WH is unemployed voluntarily and purposefully flunks job physicals to make sure he does not get hired..His thinking is that this will get me off of his back about finding a job..He has no pension or savings to offer me in divorce..I would probably have to divide my meager pension and pay alimony in a settlement..I cannot live off of 1/2 of my pension without moving in with somebody or going back to work...

Since I am living off of pension and I am getting by economically for the time being, I don't want to have to go back to work full time any time soon..Severe injury impacted my mobility and caused me to take retirement when I did...

Even though I live in an in-house separation with WH because he refuses to leave, it may be quite a while before I feel healthy and strong enough to go back to work.I wish my health and inability to work full time could factor in a D so I could file for D sooner rather than later and and not ruin my retirement..I decided to retire versus trying for disability because I qualified for full pension from my company(to be paid monthly for the rest of my life )and the payout was more than disability would have been...

So maybe I am in the category of those people who feel that I have to stay in the in-house separation situation for now not because I like it or I get some payoff, but because I feel trapped..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:04 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

WIgirl posted 11/24/2013 13:05 PM

Wonderful. Thank you. Almost 6 months out and this is what I needed to read.

mchercheur posted 12/5/2013 12:12 PM


justdoit posted 12/5/2013 13:03 PM

I too have written a fair number of analytical documents - but when it comes to my FWH, and the A, and DDay, and all the rest I have all I can do to write a coherent sentence. So I say BRAVO nomadlady! Very well done, and thank you!
So what does it take to add something to the healing library?

BrighterFuture posted 12/5/2013 13:33 PM

Well done!!! This should be added to the healing library for everyone to read.

Swims posted 12/5/2013 14:11 PM

Brilliant post! Thank you! There has always been references on SI to the WS handbook (ILYBINILWY, and all of the nonsense a BS hears) but this post is the TRUE handbook for the BS to sort out rational and reasonable responses in the face of such emotional turmoil. Thank you!

Livia1776 posted 12/5/2013 15:15 PM

What a wonderful post! Even though it was years ago when my ex cheated on me, I'm still working through it, and this is just what I needed to hear. Bravo!

Lola7 posted 12/5/2013 17:20 PM

Bookmarked and keeping in my arsenal. Thank you! :)

SilverRose13 posted 12/6/2013 02:39 AM

Wow, is all I can say. Just, wow. Also, I second the poster who asked if you could write a complimentary comprehensive for WSs to read. Your article was so well organized and thoughtfully planned. I think pinning it to JFO and the healing library would be an excellent idea. Thank you.

sideways posted 12/6/2013 08:25 AM

It truly is a tour de force. My kindle is overflowing with self help books at $10 a pop. I'm paying for IC and MC. Your summary was way better pound for pound than all of it! Keep writing!

Once you get a grip on the dynamics you outline in the early sections, it really boils down to figuring out the answer to the Clash song question that you pose at the end…

honesttoafault posted 12/7/2013 10:00 AM

Thank you!! This is fantastic!

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