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Calling all BSs...

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honesttoafault posted 12/7/2013 10:00 AM

Thank you!! This is fantastic!

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/8/2013 19:32 PM


Wow. Thank you for this service of the heart to all BSs!

Not only should this be in the healing library but may I suggest you put in into an ebook "single" and price it at $2.99 +/-. Not only because it would be nice to be a published author, if you are not one already, but to share your perfectly clear and beautifully concise wisdom with the BSs who are not on SI.

Also, despite potential conflict of interest, send to American association of marriage counselors as a handout for all affair couples entering MC. Gosh, if my MC had laid it out like this, maybe I woulda been done that much soon.

Never ever easy, but this, helping, maybe making it easier.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

mchercheur posted 12/8/2013 19:40 PM

Please please please write one for the WSs too. Thanks

twokids posted 12/8/2013 21:40 PM

Fabulous post nomadlady. New BSs could profit nicely from your sage advice.

I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had understood I couldn't fix the relationship. I see all too clearly how I set myself up for continued pain and sorrow by choosing to stay in the face of a WH ambivalent about R.

You lay out a very clear guide for objectively assessing the state of the marriage and the various options available to the BS.

Funny, looking back I see how my naive optimism and deep love for my WH only interfered with wise decision making. I hope struggling BSs take heed of your dispassionate guidance and make much better choices than I.

Sumrlady posted 12/9/2013 01:53 AM

Bumping - this does need to be pinned and posted in the Healing Library!

WarehouseGuy posted 12/9/2013 05:43 AM

This does belong in the healing library--and pinned as well.


meplusfour posted 12/17/2013 00:20 AM


watersofavalon posted 12/17/2013 06:23 AM

Fix yourself, don't expect your WS to be able to fix you. All your WS can do is give you transparency and remorse so that you feel safe to heal. I was waiting for some single dramatic moment when H was going to say/do the one right thing to make me better - he isn't a magician, he couldn't do that. Once I accepted that it all became easy.

He did the damage to you but you have to heal from it yourself.

Dawn58 posted 12/17/2013 07:54 AM

Amazing post, wish I had read this when I was new to this site, it would have been so helpful!!!!

The point about never understanding why this happened, wow! I am coming to understand that I will never understand why this happened, but that question dogs me.

My STBX kicked me out of the house when I confronted him on the affair and said he wanted a divorce. He did not file, I did about 6 weeks later. My hand shook when I signed the papers, I so hoped that my marriage would survive.

My divorce is not final, still waiting on the mediation (he's hiding his money and not being forthcoming with documentation).

The part of the post regarding divorce - I believe it is both good and challenging. I am grateful every day that within my home, there is honesty and integrity. No more lies, no sneaking around, no WS acting like an nasty ass. And there is loneliness and a change of lifestyle. It has taken me a long time to get use to living by myself. I receive support from him, but since it was a short term marriage, will not last for very long. I finish school in June and have a long internship period.

All worth the price of freedom.

ExhaustedWhat2do posted 12/17/2013 09:57 AM

Great Post. Something I really needed today. Thank you Thank you!

Blobette posted 12/17/2013 10:31 AM

As a fellow researcher, I applaud you. Did you use NVivo for your content analysis? I've always wondered about how things get added to the healing library. I think that great NYT article about betrayal should be in there -- I actually sent it to our MC, who has been referencing it. Here:

mchercheur posted 12/19/2013 09:36 AM


Lola88 posted 12/19/2013 11:27 AM

Thanks for this well written and easy to follow post. The more I find on this site, the better I feel supported x

Getting to Happy posted 12/19/2013 17:00 PM

Bumped for Trudi42 and other BS's that are suffering from infidelity.

Pippy posted 1/2/2014 16:30 PM


marlie2014 posted 1/2/2014 19:17 PM

Best. Thread. Ever!!!

lostandhopless posted 1/12/2014 12:02 PM

I think this needs a bump

hurtsobadinside posted 1/12/2014 12:20 PM


Thank you for the "bump"
this is one of the best post
i have seen

me: 59
her WW- 58
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 26 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"

inthedark14 posted 1/12/2014 14:21 PM

Nomadlady: this was an AMAZING post, so helpful so honest thank u!

Lola7 posted 1/26/2014 16:46 PM

Bumping this for the people who haven't seen it. The best thread out there . . .

4everfaithful83 posted 1/26/2014 17:09 PM

Great post! Thank you!!

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