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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Has your ex asked you for a loan?
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Helpless  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just stunned and pretty upset.

Today my STBX asked me to lend him $20k.

This is on top of the very big check I am writing him as part of the divorce settlement. The dissolution hearing is next week and we both have to stand up in front of the judge and agree it. We are doing an in-house separation.

I actually laughed and then I realized he was serious. I said no and for good measure I didn't have it. He pointed out that I have a retirement account.

Then he brought it up two more times today.

This money is to rehab the house he chose to buy knowing how much it would cost. This is instead of getting a second job. This is instead of moving in and doing it piecemeal.

I feel like all I have ever been to him is a checkbook. He had his sex and fun with the OW x ?. I cannot believe he asked me.

What is with this? He is super-snarky and very resentful. He is leaving this marriage with way more $ than he brought into it. But apparently that is not enough.....

I know I can't be the only one, you never are on this site.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is just sick. F.T.G

((((jemima)))


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 8:42 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9637 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, those sum it up!!!

He says he feels hard done by.

Honestly, it really is like living in some kind of alternative reality. Heart, it is sick. Just sick, twisted, impossible to comprehend thinking.

And I can see that he truly believes it is my responsibility to solve his cash flow problem.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he has.

Also forged my name when I said no


Stand your ground, Then you will really see ugly from him


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hasn't but probably because he believes I'm as broke as he is (and I intend to keep it that way.)

In less than a year (we separated only 10 months ago), he has lost it all! Seriously....he has blown everything and left himself at a point where he can't even afford a cell phone and has no car. And this is WITH steady employment at the same job he had when we split and at the same income! I knew he would struggle handling his finances on his own since he left pretty much everything for me to handle as if I were his parent, but I had no clue just how inept he would be at caring for himself. It's like he has spent this entire year making sure that he ruined his life and altered his children's lives in pursuit of absolutely nothing (there isn't even an OW involved to help explain the insanity anymore.)

Honestly, it really is like living in some kind of alternative reality. Heart, it is sick. Just sick, twisted, impossible to comprehend thinking.

Ditto what Jemima wrote. There is no explaining the thoughts and actions of people like your ex and many other WS. It's why their lives resemble a poorly written soap-opera.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hell no! Can you imagine expecting an Ex to repay a loan? He couldn't keep it in his pants, what makes anyone think he'll repay a loan?


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! In fact, he did it again just a few hours ago! My WS has been asking me for loans for years, and I still have a hard time saying no. He's so darn good at manipulation!


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, not quite to that extreme though

My ex constantly claims he has no money, can't afford to pay for stuff for the kids or claims to repay me next week, next week never seems to come though

So it's either chase him continually or the kids miss out all. the. time. It's frustrating and makes me the bad guy.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you imagine expecting an Ex to repay a loan? He couldn't keep it in his pants, what makes anyone think he'll repay a loan?

Exactly. I "lent" him a lot of money during he marriage which he never repaid. When I added it up for the divorce settlement, I was stunned. All that money, here and there, I had lost track of it.

He expected a gold star any time he bought anything for the house. He hardly did any maintenance, either, so there is a lot I have to put into the house.

But his position is he is the poor victim, hard done by in the settlement, and condemned to being bankrupt if I don't help him.

And he has NO problem raiding my retirement! I am wiped out financially by the $ I have to give him. I need to rebuild and live very frugally for a long time and get a second job. But I wouldn't touch my retirement. I would rather just give things up. We think totally differently about money.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy, do I get this. But I have to sadly tell you that it is because we do this for them over and over, because we never say no, because we are too good hearted and we believed that they would stand by us and be there for us and do the right thing....someday.

It only stops when you stop. Just say NO! And stand by it. Don't waver, don't ever give in, wear a rubber band and snap it each time he emails or calls or texts. You have given up enough blood emotionally and financially. Let him learn to be on his own all by himself.

However probably once you stop and it is finally over he will find another woman to suck the life from and be the money tree.


Posts: 5642 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reality, I think you have got it right. I.can see him moving on to someone else.

I think he is already setting me up to be the reason for his future financial failure: if I had given him more money he would have been OK.

He is very passive-aggressive in general.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gods, the sooner you can shake the dust of this loser off of your feet, the better! Yeah, sure, you'll loan him $20K ..... if he tells his lawyer to deed over $30K in the check you're going to have to write for him back to you! Actually, he might be stupid enough to go for that. Hummmm


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4794 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes...x here asks for money periodically and wants me to "reimburse" him for things I question.

It was him who left and him who changed his life and wracked up more bills he cannot pay on top of bills he could not pay before-not me.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone.

To be clear, he asked me for $20k yesterday. He wanted to know immediately.

Well I got some clarification on nis thinking tonight after he asked me repeatedly if I had made a decision: I should lend him this money because I wanted the divorce. Basically I owe him this favor.

Also, he didn't realize how much it was going to cost to refurbish his new house (he is a contractor, can price everything to the last cent).

He was super nice this afternoon, then he asked me if I had made a decision. I felt sick to my stomach. The manipulation is so blatant.

And then he looks at me with this unbelievable anger and hatred. I can't describe it. He has never been violent. But I felt this sick, awful feeling.

I am wondering if I should leave before the hearing and just take DD to a hotel for a couple of nights or whether that would just ramp up the drama.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not give him the money. Fuck that guy. His piece of shit ass


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. It seems like you have a really hard time telling this guy no. Has he had a temper before? Does he usually manipulate like this regularly?

I would tell your attorney if you have one exactly what happened. Keep a record of it all. You may want to keep a VAR with you whenever he tries this stuff around you.


Posts: 5642 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mentioned that he was passive aggressive (so is mine) so when you say "no", he will pull that passive aggressive bullshit. Please don't fall for it. Being nice --> then looks of anger and hatred is Passive Aggressive 101. BTDT and had to endure some scary shit. Please make sure you are safe. That doesn't mean to loan him the money though. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how scary it can be. Take care and be safe.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2186 | Registered: Oct 2012
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dmari, I am afraid but I feel stupid and dramatic because he has never been violent. But yesterday he was super-nice and then he said "Have you decided whether to lend me the money?" and I said no and he went very hostile immediately. He snapped so fast from one to the other. I was stunned. If looks could kill I would be dead. Then I spoke to him on the phone today and he sounded very odd, just disconnected. When he was speaking I felt this gut fear even though it was just chit chat. I am going to go to a hotel tonight with my DD. but then I'm worried it will just cause a lot of drama.

Do passive aggressive people stay passive?

I'm worried he might snap. He's ex-military but I've never seen uncontrolled aggression from him.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
welcome14
♀ Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are right to be concerned. There was a woman on here who had a bad vibe about her stbx, but didn't act on it because he was a lawyer (I think) or something that would get in lots of trouble and he had never been violent before. He managed to catch her alone even though she had people staying with her, he forced his way in and almost beat her to death. luckily, the house guest came home and found her. something like that, anyway. So, just because he has never done it before doesn't mean he can't go off the deep end. I think the hotel is a very good idea. be careful.


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1193 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
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