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Newest Member: Momof3bz (44929)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: His brother has been diagnosed with Cancer
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've had some really bad news. My brother n'law (H's one and only brother), has been diagnosed with quite advanced Cancer. It's all happened so suddenly and has been a huge shock for the whole family. We are all very close to my bil and are so sad that he is going through this. He is divorced and has 3 teenaged kids but doesn't live near them. Luckily he has come to where we live to receive treatment so my H and I can help and support him on a daily basis. In fact the whole family is here right now.

My H and I had initiated more discussions about us and our way forward etc. I felt like we maybe would start to get somewhere. Obviously with all this going on right now, I don't want to bring up "our marriage" it would seem so insensitive as my H is under a lot of pressure dealing with the family business single handedly and all the emotions he's going through (stress, worry, fear etc).

How do I support my H through this? How do I control my urge to talk about our issues when they arise when actually there are so more pressing issues at hand such as my bils treatment etc?

Today something came up and I didn't like the way he didn't support me in a situation with his mum. This was a huge issue for us pre-A and he has admitted he needs to communicate more about this. At this particular time, he didn't and I felt hurt and rejected. A very familiar feeling. I wanted to talk to him about it but it just feels so inappropriate and the last thing I should be burdening him with.

Has anyone been in this situ? What did you need from your spouse when someone in your foo was going through a terminal illness?

I've been reading about Cancer with him, going for 2nd opinions to Drs etc, helping him organise/re-arrange work trips (even going on one for him this week), taking full responsibility of kids to free him up to do other stuff.

Emotionally, he's still super distant and hasn't shown any emotion to me about this. He's been a bit physically clingy at night times which reassures me that he knows I'm there for him. Obviously he's breaking inside with this news but still doesn't see me as safe enough to discuss this with.

Any pointers, ideas, thoughts greatly appreciated.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's sad news that someone so young is going through this. Is you BIL'S relationship with his kids okay? Will they help provide some support from long distance?

I don't know how to balance A related issues and healing with the terminal illness of a family member. Other than continuing to be available to your BH. Is there anything about the BIL's divorce situation that is related to infidelity?

This may mot even be an A related thing really...if there are other issues that need to be dealt with, like him not backing you up with his mum, that would seem to be something that you could address in a non A related way. Maybe your BH might be at a point where counciling woild help...

Sorry you guys have another layer of challenges to work through.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Trying33 and family)).

Is the family living with you, or have they other accommodations?

I felt hurt and rejected. A very familiar feeling. I wanted to talk to him about it but it just feels so inappropriate and the last thing I should be burdening him with.

Having not gone through this, I can't advise specifically. But ICR to feeling hurt and rejected by my spouse's words/actions. Reckon we all can. During my As...well, probably my whole life...I tended to interpret words in a negative light. Post-DDay when we rehashed some of BH's words that had hurt me, he said he was joking or I'd mischaracterized his intent...and I saw things from his POV. He suggested that I assume he has only loving, positive thoughts about/toward me all the time, and that I should interpret his words through that filter. Given the tense atmosphere in your family right now, maybe give that a try for awhile? In other words, give him massive benefit of doubt.

Obviously he's breaking inside with this news but still doesn't see me as safe enough to discuss this with.

Why doesn't he see you as safe? Because of your A? Or because you tend to over-analyze his words/actions? (Not meant as a judgment or insult of you, and may not even be accurate, more of a guess really.)


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1178 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Baxters:

He has a volatile relationship with his ex wife although she's been quite supportive and helpful these past few weeks; bringing food and hanging out with us. His kids feel torn between their parents which I believe is normal for kids in this situation.. they have been googling things like mad and are frightened naturally. As far as I know, there was no infidelity in their marriage. It wasn't a contributory factor to their divorce from what I understand.

@Twenty:

Why doesn't he see you as safe? Because of your A? Or because you tend to over-analyze his words/actions? (Not meant as a judgment or insult of you, and may not even be accurate, more of a guess really.)

Probably a bit of both.

In a situ like this, when you know your spouse needs support and co-operation, it's really hard to try and keep a balance between saying what you feel and not saying anything to piss him off.

His mother tends to be the source of many of our arguments. I'm just going to try to avoid her as much as I can as I don't want there to be reasons for my H and I to argue. I want to be there to support him and for him to feel like he can talk to me about how he feels.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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