Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steamingpile (44723)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Tortured myself with old texts
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would definitely look! It may hurt but I really need to know and so far I have nothing. He just can't understand why I would want that info! So- if I see an opportunity...hell yeah- I'd take it.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The book How to help your spouse heal from your affair might also help your WS to see the importance of telling you the truth.

I'm reading a book called The Seven Levels of Intimacy which discusses how intimacy is increased when we share secrets and things we are ashamed of with our spouses. So there may be an unexpected benefit of him telling you the truth if he's been too ashamed to. I know it has also helped my fWH to build more empathy as he has opened up more. And it has made us closer than we would have been if he withheld the truth or lied.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:16 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would just like to thank you for starting this thread. I waited for 9 months to get a timeline. I couldn't wait anymore so I opened the encrypted emails last week. I got my timeline and more. I came to understand that my WS is capable of sharing his emotions, just not with me. He also admitted to an EA with a good friend of mine. I always suspected it. Now it is confirmed. So I got another DD in addition to the desperately needed timeline.

I felt so bad that I have tortured myself by looking. That i have another DD because i snooped. i feel like i took a giant step backwards. After reading this thread, I no longer feel this way. Knowledge is power. Thank you for reminding me!

So sorry for the TJ. This thread is supposed to be about you and your suffering. Just know that I feel the same way. You have, however, given me some peace. Sorry I intruded.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 218 | Registered: Mar 2013
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lowlow, please don't apologize! You in no way threadjacked! The fact that my pain is shared is no intrusion. It just seems like every A is the same story over and over, just with a different cast.

The timeline is so important to me. I need to match up what was actually going on with what I thought was going on to better understand it.

It's still tough because it feels like everything during that time was undermined. For example, we worked so hard to get a tiled metal backsplash installed in our kitchen one weekend. WH humblebragged to OW about it ("I am sometimes kind of handy"). Meanwhile, at the time I was thinking how well we had worked together as a team to get the backsplash to look perfect.

Whattheh, I bought a copy of "How To Help Your Spouse...", read it all the way through, highlighted parts that struck a chord with me, and crossed out things that I felt weren't applicable to us (religious and child related stuff).

The book is on WH's nightstand. I have told him it's important to me that he read it.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize this is an old thread, but I'm fascinated: How do you plug in an old phone, charge it up, and bring up old texts from 2012? Wasn't he erasing all old texts?


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 448 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should mention that due to my job I am fairly handy with electronics. I'm kicking myself now for never trying to get into WH's electronics before but never would it have occurred to me that I needed to.

The old phone was a Palm Pre. That model never caught on but it's a damn fine phone. A few minutes on a standard USB charger gave it enough juice for me to start reading while leaving it plugged in. Still, I was surprised to see that WH hadn't thought to delete his old messages.

He completely cleared the memory of his subsequent phone in front of me, but I thought that was just because he was trading it in on the Galaxy Note 3 that I bought for him.

And when I first saw an incriminating texts a couple of days before DDay he deleted OW's texts off that new phone.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes you should have looked & you should continue to look. If you give the gift of R you deserve to know exactly who you are giving that gift to, so your relationship is 100% open: full disclosure!
I looked up old texts too (even after S) and found dizens occurred at the exact same time I was in the ER with our 5 yr old son getting X-rays after a bad fall (he was fine). It made me realize S/D was the right decision- i couldn't be with a man that is focused on getting his ego (or penis) stroked when our son is in the ER.
Turned out ex is NPD and that was the tip of the iceberg).

Posts: 475 | Registered: Jun 2012
CaptJackie
New Member
Member # 41541
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this thread! Dday for me was 7/28/13. Mine did erase his texts, but what I'm struggling with , among other things, is wether or not to get a program that will get back all deleted texts and pics. I NEED to know but I don't know if I WANT to know if that makes any sense? My thoughts are with you!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Tn
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a bit of a postscript: We had our first MC session last Wednesday. At the session WH expressed frustration at my seeking out the old texts, saying he wondered why I wanted to see things that would just hurt me.

What really amazed me was what he said next. He said that he wished I could have seen the more recent texts (the ones he immediately deleted when I saw the first suspect text two days before DDay). That if I'd seen the more recent texts I would have seen him pulling away from her -- her pressing him for more time with him and him pushing back and making himself less available. But instead all I have is a picture of the early stages of the A.

(Not that early -- I probably only got to see texts from months 6-12 of the A.)

But the recent texts are all gone. And like I've said before I'm handy with electronics so I can confirm they are all gone. So there's no way to know now, is there?


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Lord TYF,

Girl, I am amazed at your strength. 3 years is a long time & kudos to you for even trying to R.

Has OW & her uncle left you alone now?

Sending hugs your way!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.