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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I crazy...
iamasurvivor
♀ Member
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I usually am a lurker, and have learned a lot from here. There are some very wise people here.

The weekend after Christmas there is a family reunion for my X's family and the next day they are going to celebrate Christmas.

His parents have invited me .His mom was upset because she didn't think I would come if he did. I told her I would come because of them.

I haven't seen my X since our son's wedding a year a half ago. I have only had one email from him lately telling me that our daughter should help pay for her wedding!

I have a really good relationship with his family, better than he does! I spend more time with them and keep them updated with what the kids plans are. They know more about our kids then their father!

My friends are telling me not to go! I love his family! I really want to spend time with them, we have fun together and I have known them for about 30 years! He has been told that she is not invited! If she was coming, it would have been a different story.

So wise ones, Am I Crazy?


I will come out stronger!

Posts: 250 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're crazy. Sounds like he's the crazy one tbh.

You've maintained a strong relationship with them and kept them part of their grandkids' lives. If you want to go then by all means do so. Why allow him to cost you that family experience?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3652 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Saleschick
♀ Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say go spend time with them!
I spent Labor day with my exs mom and grandma. His mom invited me for Thanksgiving too.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only concern is that it sounds like it could become a dramafest. What if he does show up with the OW? Do you have an escape plan?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19792 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
iamasurvivor
♀ Member
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, he has been told that at this time she is not invited!

His mom is not comfortable around her and they have only had dinner with them once for his birthday in October.
His brothers and sisters haven't met her and some don't want to.
Our kids don't want her there and want nothing to do with her and have told him numerous times.

He will honor his parents request. I really believe he will be more uncomfortable than me.


I will come out stronger!

Posts: 250 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not go. As part of new beginnings this is all a part of it. Yes they were your family for a long time however they are his family. One day she will be invited and they will have a relationship with her or whoever he is with. I do not think it's healthy for divorced spouses to cling to the in laws. Keep in touch for the kids, yes, but that would be it.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like one of the few people whose IL's took a stand against the A and don't support it. Sounds like you have a good relationship with them, better than XWH does. I'd go.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't go. I think letting go means letting go of the past, even the good parts of it. They are and were and will be his family first. I'd vote for seeing his family members separately (or in groups) some other time and letting them have their Christmas and family reunion without you. You say his mom is upset thinking that you wouldn't be there, and while I have empathy for her, one of the consequences of his behavior is that his family doesn't get to enjoy your company on holidays...let him feel the weight and responsibility of their disappointment.

Could you spend time with your MIL some other day this holiday season?


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3005 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
iamasurvivor
♀ Member
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better4me, the problem is there will be family from Norway, Wisconsin, Minnesota and So. Dak. that I really want to see.

Also it would mean I would lose two days with my son and daughter-in-law. I only see them about three times a year, and they only have four days for Christmas and I can't get time off from work since I haven't been there that long!

Sparkysable, You are right, they do not like at all what he has done! After he walked out they came and helped me pack up the house for me to move closer to our kids and my family and his parents. We always get together to celebrate birthdays and they love it when I can go up and spend time with them.

We are God parents, and his sister made a comment about my X not doing anything for our nephew and I haven't missed anything!

I really love his family and they have all told me that I am still family! So maybe I am crazy because this is not normal!


I will come out stronger!

Posts: 250 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a similar relationship with my ex-inlaws. We're at three years now, so they have mended their relationship with XWH on some level, but I'm still the favored one.

Early on I participated and I still will, but now I try to give some space when XWH is involved. My XMIL is almost 80 and I know a relationship w her son is important to her, and he insists on including wifetress, so now I tend to back off.

However, if she's not included, and you feel comfortable, go forth and enjoy. The loss of that side of the family is hard when you're close, so I wouldn't give it up before you have to, if you ever have to.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4374 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you be ok with your family inviting your ex to holiday dinners?

Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009
iamasurvivor
♀ Member
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hummingbird8,

No, he would not be welcomed! But his family has told him that I will always be a daughter or sister.

I stood by him thru all his job losses, relocated 7 times! Stayed behind and told care of our kids, selling the house and still work!
I was working two jobs putting him back thru school when he walked out! He couldn't work because he had to STUDY!

He really hurt his family, he lied to them too many times to count!
He really doesn't have much of a relationship with our adult kids. They are lucky if he will spend an hour with them! His family sees this and don't want to lose any more.


I will come out stronger!

Posts: 250 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds as though you;d really like to go. I wouldn't worry too much about your ex being there. His OW has specifically been excluded; he knows the family is keen for you to be there and he doesn't seem to be making much effort to stay in close contact with them, anyway.

So I don't think HE will attend.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 2:43 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2083 | Registered: Mar 2009
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go - family isn't always based on genetics.

I've laughed many times at some of our Christmas dinners.


My dad remarried. My DSM had 2 daughters (DSS) from her first M. One year we had my DD, DSM, 2DSS + Step Moms XH and XH's daughter from second M at dinner with us as well as me, my XH and some random neighbors.

The XH had just been left by his wife #2. My stepmom felt bad for him and the daughter. My SS were close to the daughter so step mom just said WTH! and invited them. They came and we had all had a lovely time. My dad and step mom had been married about 10 years at that point. My dad and the XH had interacted many times so my dad was OK with it.

Family events are based on who feels like family. GO!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8405 | Registered: Apr 2008
Topic Posts: 14

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