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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Truth lies with the judge i guess
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So seven months in and I told myself that i would get to the bottom of my why's. I swore that no matter what i would figure it out i really do not want this to happen again i don't just want her to feel safe I want her to BE safe. Anyway, tonight we were on the phone (i am deployed right now) and i told her the things that got me to where i was. Well that stuff that i became aware of she saw as contradictory to my previous stuff. Its not, but it hurts and she's mad and she likes to yell and put words in my mouth and tell me what i was thinking. And if i disagree with what she thinks i was thinking or feeling its not the truth. I have had some problems figuring everything out but i have not lied. I knew this was going to happen that I would start talking and she would start shotgunning and draw conclusions before i finish that i actually asked her to wait until i could say it in MC....fat chance she said I wouldn't be allowed to call her until i told her. So now I have been told that i lied thats it.....go jump off a bridge and do us both a favor (her words).

I should delete this its a total rant...i just have tried so hard and I have been honest unfortunately more honest then i was a year ago. I guess it beyond me that you could ask for more and more details and not expect this to happen. I hate the fact I am on here. I hate t I am angry because she thinks i am i liar, I hate the fact that i actually have the gall to write this rant like she isn't justified to her own feelings!! The person I love most just told me that i should never come home, die, etc. The person she loved most slept with another person....welcome to hell.

Not sure what I'm asking if you guys have anything for me great i guess i just need someone to listen and I don't have anyone right now. That person told me to die tonight.

[This message edited by harrypotter at 4:37 AM, November 25th (Monday)]


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very difficult with you deployed. If you were there, she could view your actions to see if they match your words. With you deployed, she has to take your word for it and your word has been less than stellar. Give her time and try to understand her perspective. You had time to process what you were doing as you did it. She not only has to deal with the fact that you cheated but she also has to deal with the fact that you are away from her which doesn't exactly ease her mind that you won't do it again or that you aren't still doing it. She's now got to blindly trust that the person who betrayed her is telling her the truth and he's behaving like a husband is supposed to, all while she can't actually see it.

I don't know how long you are deployed for but it is likely to feel like an eternity for both of you. In the meantime, continue to be as honest as you can and try to understand how this separation is complicating her ability to move forward. Until you get home, she's stuck in limbo no matter what you tell her on the phone.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3772 | Registered: Sep 2005
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Sad  Posted: 4:59 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tears,

Everything you said is right. Its so hard for her, she has to deal with everything just like you said. She said most of the things you said to me just tonight and not for the first time. I have been the husband I am supposed to be but its like you said its not like I can prove it. I think we are both so sick of being in limbo. Except I am still completely in love with her and she is not with me

thank you for your response.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until you get home, effective communication is going to be very difficult. Hopefully she can hold on until you guys can work on this face to face.

I remember having to work through things out loud. Finding the why is not a linear process. Sometimes when you start heading in one direction, you find that it is a dead-end and you have to turn back. That doesn't mean that you aren't doing the work, and you know that deep down, but she can't "know" that about you right now. And until she can see you, she it probably going to do what she needs to protect herself.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
hurtingarmywife
♀ New Member
Member # 38690
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can not imagine going through what you are dealing with while you are deployed! How much longer will you be deployed? Hopefully, your wife will not make any decisions until you return home and go through counseling.
I would like to send you a private message, but for some reason I am unable to at this time. My husband is a SGM and we have dealt with what you are going through.
Do not give up hope! Keep communicating with your wife and let her see you are a broken man from your past actions and are willing to do everything possible to show her this will never happen again.
In the meantime, I will keep trying to send you a private message.

Me-52
WH-54
DDay-Jan. 31, 2012
Married 30 years


Posts: 33 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtingarmywife,

I just check my settings not sure why you can't PM me. Thank you for your kind words.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your service, Harry.

Just wanted to address the following:

Except I am still completely in love with her and she is not with me

I doubt that's true. It's more likely that she feels she doesn't know you. But if she's still giving you hell, she loves you. That's the pain talking, and that pain is caused by a huge betrayal committed by someone she loves. If she ever starts acting indifferent to the whole thing, that's when you might start worrying about her love for you.

Just my two cents. Best wishes, and stay safe.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
M for almost 18 years
4 kids

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
herongirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40398
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, with a H who is also far away. It definitely makes it much more difficult to regain the trust when you have only words to go on, & the words you heard before were lies...
At 7 months out, I was at my lowest point, alternating between extreme anger & just wanting to pull the plug on the whole thing. We had some huge fights & at one point I cut off all communication for a week so we could both cool down.
What helped me most was when he was able to absorb my anger & accusations without getting angry or defensive in return. I think in a way I was trying to test him to see if he was really serious about making things better & that he could stick it out when things were really rough.
I also found messaging easier, as talking directly often escalated into fighting. I also could go back later & re-read what he'd written & re-evaluate in a calmer state.
What I most like to see from him now are concrete examples of how his thinking (& reaction) has changed in specific situations. That way, I know he not only has good intentions but is also working on better coping skills.
The main thing is patience.....your BS is hurting bad & trying to process an unfathomable betrayal. She is still sifting through the wreckage, trying to see what was real & what wasn't.
Hopefully, you will make it through this stage & the true rebuilding can start. Best of luck & stay strong!


Me- BS
D-day 1/21/13
Trying to reconcile

I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are struggling, especially so far away from you BS.

I agree with herongirl, you guys should email about the serious stuff. My BH and I are separated, but see each other often due to kids. We live less than a mile apart and still accomplish much better communication about serious stuff through email.

I imagine phone calls are limited, so use them to talk about the rest of life.

Good luck and thank you for your service!


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..harry..

I believe the PM feature only works after you get to 50 posts.. you're only at 40 so that's why it's not working..

hope that explains it.

keep well.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4009 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you guys seen the way i write!! Your suggestions is that i communicate this way more!!? Joking...a bit anyway, First of all thank you all for helping me to calm down and focus through a very difficult 50 hours for both of us. I feared that there would be no contact between us today but in the end we did text a bit. We have talked about some things with email and text before and it has worked some thats for sure, sometime i think I don't use it because I think its cold but then again I think its sometimes a welcome and needed break for her not to have to deal with me like on FaceTime. So good ideas, thanks.
I was able to talk with my mother today, a great gift when you are having a shit week, while deployed . She said a lot of things that you guys bring up which is odd since she has not had infidelity in her marriage that i am aware of, Like you guys she was firm and supportive. I bring it up because I have been on here for 5 months i think give or take. And I have defiantly been a "lurker" in the past and the first time I wigged out and needed help I found some here. Thank you guys there are tears coming from my eyes right now. Thanks!!


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the same way your wife is. I hate that I do this. I don't want to treat my husband this way because I know it makes him less likely to open up and share things in the future. He stopped offering new details because it always seemed to contradict the old ones in my perception. It's not what he did that damaged me so badly, it's all the lies after he was caught...I don't think he'll ever truly understand what his trickle truth did to me. My reaction now is based on fear. I'm afraid to trust him. I'm hyper aware and I'm looking for things to prove he's lying to me again. It feels safer to assume he's lying and to be angry at him than it is to be vulnerable and give him the benefit of doubt.


What helped me most was when he was able to absorb my anger & accusations without getting angry or defensive in return.


I feel the same way...in fact it's the only thing that helps me in this situation. It also helps when I see a contradiction in his story that he acknowledges it and says he can understand why I might see it that way. The other night he was at work and we were having a huge fight over a trigger. I said some really means things. For example I told him that I hated him and not to come home. I didn't mean them and after I calmed down I texted him to apologize and tell him that I didn't mean it and i said them out of anger. He said "I know you are hurting and very angry and didn't mean it. You don't need to apologize. I did this to you and I'm sorry". I was like, wow! He passed up the chance to make me feel guilty for being mean and acting like a child. I actually felt like he understood me for once.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jul 2013
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scubachick,

Thank you for your response. I have been thinking a lot about how respond to my wife. I am getting better at not trying to make her feel guilty for the way she feels and the things she says to me. I know got better when I really excepted that everything and I mean everything is my fault.

I'm the same way your wife is. I hate that I do this. I don't want to treat my husband this way because I know it makes him less likely to open up and share things in the future. He stopped offering new details because it always seemed to contradict the old ones in my perception. It's not what he did that damaged me so badly, it's all the lies after he was caught...I don't think he'll ever truly understand what his trickle truth did to me. My reaction now is based on fear. I'm afraid to trust him. I'm hyper aware and I'm looking for things to prove he's lying to me again. It feels safer to assume he's lying and to be angry at him than it is to be vulnerable and give him the benefit of doubt.

What you said here I am sorry to say has taken me way longer to wrap my head around then I would like to admit. Its so easy for me to see now. But at first I was so scared and fearful of losing my wife and family that i was in what i can only describe as fight or flight survival mode. It kept me from being able to take full responsibility. Thanks for sharing.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HP, BS here. I just want to encourage you to write to your BS. Your writing is wonderful. It conveys pain, empathy and most of all, YOU. That's what she needs to hear.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another BS -- Yup, I was horrible to my WH too. I talked about divorce a lot, and what a total scum he was and how much he'd taken advantage of me and my sacrifices for the M. And 7 months is pretty much spot on for the "anger" stage. And ditto harder when deployed -- can I say thank you for your service? THANK YOU.

And I would also say -- just absorb it. Don't argue with her -- that will just fuel things all the more. Try to say stuff like, "yeah, I get why you'd say that." And it's good to keep apologizing and accepting blame (even when she's being over the top.) And yes, keep writing and communicating. Keep telling her how much you love her and what an idiot you've been. With this kind of separation, the fact that you communicate regularly lets her know that she really is on your mind all the time, and that you're really, really thinking about this and taking it seriously. The worst thing is when the WS tries to brush it off as not important or "didn't mean anything". No minimizing.

You ARE a good writer, as others have said. Keep talking to her. Good luck. And happy TG!


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1035 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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