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User Topic: A-HA! The AP Is a Sociopath, Interesting
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I don't know enough about any of stbx's OW's to be able to make a judgement about their dysfunctions one way or the other......but it seems that you and I have spent time recently reading the same articles. I was poking around on that website yesterday and saw that winning/losing article and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up......last week stbx sent me a text that said "you are right where you should be. Losing me."
**shudder**


@PP -- Sociopaths are incapable of feeling *hurt* in the way that the majority of humans feel hurt. They have had so much damage done to them at some point in their lives that they are incapable of feeling *normal* human emotions. It really is win/lose with them. You are either beloved by them (so long as you are gobbling up their bullshit and not making waves).....or you are Enemy Number One (which occurs at the point where YOU wake up and realized that this person is just jerking you around and decide to take actions that are contrary to what the sociopath wants)
The only way to deal with a sociopath is to lie low and hope they find a new *victim* and forget about you........


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7876 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Frustrated  Posted: 10:45 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, Sister, your initial post to this thread perfectly describes xpos with slut. He did and said exactly those things.

IC said "he is definitely back of the book" (DSM). But without actually talking with him, she can't say exactly what dx he might be given. I think your post did that. Shudder.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2224 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other than OW, I have known at least 2 other sociopaths in my life, both women. One I got sucked into a friendship with(not sexual in any way) but still very painful when it ended because she could not control me. She went from friend to vengeful bitch in 2 days. Told people horrible things about me and my children. When you try to tell people what is happening, you look like the crazy one. Even after the first experience the other sociopath took me by surprise and I never saw her for what she was until quite late in the "friendship". Her method goes more to complete service and humility until you cross her. She collects friends and ceremonially dumps them. You know when you have been banished.

I never trusted the OW after I met her and warned my H that she was toxic and would hurt his professional credibility with her extreme views. I thought he felt the same way. I never even thought she was a threat to my marriage. But of course, hindsight.

Was my H a victim? Absolutely. Did he have free will to stop her? Absolutely. He gets no pass from me. As a matter of fact, he gets hell from me, even after 3 years. Why talk about the sociopath and their methods of seduction here? Because hopefully knowledge is power and I hope my H has both the knowledge and power to stop if this ever comes his way again.

The IC said we have to discern excuses from reasons. I will be damned if I go through this crap and have not learned about the reasons my H had his A with this particular OW. They are both damaged people who found each other.

Sociopaths come in both sexes. Predators come in both sexes. Both men and women can be manipulated into doing things they never envisioned being capable of doing.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1430 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its so hard to realise there's nothing I can do to gain justice.
My fwh had free will obviously but her seduction took years and he was very ill and vulnerable. I see how it's hurting him now. He damn near died because of the A. He's still so ill. He's facing up to what he's done to me and our children. I ache for the pain and self loathing I see in him. I just want him to get well.

My own brother is a sociopath and has played me for years. Ironically until the last six months when I've seen it and it's all changed for me.

I was the victim of a sociopath/supposed best friend years ago. She was the OW to a tee. She actually seduced me and I'm completely heterosexual. Then made it feel like it was what I wanted. Then later on attempted to seduce my H. He had the sense to run for the hills then. But he wasn't ill then. I had another "friend" who was similar. I used to attract them. I saw the danger in OW but didn't follow up on my instincts and fwh was already embroiled in her game by then.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sooo.... Everyone here realizes that their WS was someone else's AP, right?

It all sucks


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2682 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not if OW was single though

It would be so much easier for me to not have all this added stuff around him being really ill and her having orchestrated this whole thing over years as much to hurt me as any other motivation. And her continued sociopathic behaviours in the background. Not knowing what will happen next.
I wish I hadn't just spent 7 years terrified of my husband committing suicide which was a very real risk. I wish I could just focus on my recovery right now instead of having to monitor his mood for a crash which is also a big risk in view he's damn near destroyed me and the fog has lifted. I wish I didn't have 3 children distressed by their father's illness and scared that he's going to die but hating him for not being a proper dad for years.

This shit is hard enough for any of us.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if your WS's AP (or your WS) is a sociopath?
Odds are that some of the AP's (or our WS's) are sociopaths.
Yes, 5454real, I do realize that our WS's were AP's, too. That is why the above quotes were included in my posts.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:45 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9496 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The book,"Sociopath next door" is an excellent book for anyone to read.

There is no doubt that the AP in WS's A was a sociopath. The lies, the manipulation etc. I spoke to my IC about what went on and he said he no doubt felt that she was a sociopath.

The reason why you must know about sociopath is because you need to be careful on how you deal with them. They will always turn things around.

MY WS's lied about a child finally when DNA was done she made up lies about the DNA clinic did it wrong, the wrong person. Well we used a nationally known clinic who knows how to do it so it will stand up in court. Photos, ID, fingerprints etc. All she keep saying was they did it wrong. She almost had people believing it was done wrong, even with all the written proof. This was in the court of law. She almost had everyone one running around to prove it was right while all she did was sit there and say it was wrong. It was her word over DNA.

Of course there are many WS's that had A's here on SI with sociopath's. You must understand that sex in one of their weapons. The use it to manipulate. They are very sexually promiscuous.

Many people get conned by sociopath's. Some in jobs, or money. Even in marriage. Their have been several women who have married sociopath's and been murdered by them. Are their factors that make you their prey, yes. Dr. Phil's new book Life Code is basically the same thing although he reframes from using the word sociopath.

No, you can not do anything to make them feel pain or hurt.

The only answer is to get them out of your life.

•Sociopaths are professional liars. They fabricate stories and make outlandish, untruthful statements, but are able to make these lies sound convincing with their confidence and assertiveness.

Above right out of a book

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 8:21 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1639 | Registered: Jun 2008
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Marathoneasy))) I am so sorry everything is so hard and difficult for you and your family. Have you thought about counseling for your children? Maybe a few sessions would help them be able to deal with their feelings about their father and his illness.

There is sometimes justice fpr sociopaths, Marathoneasy. Don't waste your time or hold your breath waiting for it, though.

It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.

The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.

The above quote was from Donna Anderson's web site.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:14 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9496 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like, if you want to HURT them, or make them feel really, really horrible... what is the best way?

we are 4 years out and idk if ow is a sociopath, but she has some of these traits.

the best revenge was, truly, living well. I know it sounds hackneyed, but really and truly, I saw OW dissolve after we got back together. I think she has lost her job, and she gained about 100 lbs the year following WH dumping her.

She had to go on medical leave for mental health issues.

Had you told me 4 years ago that this attractive woman, who lied convincingly about how successful she was professionally... Had you told me she would be hot mess 4 years later due to my silence, never acknowledging her, and really just taking care of me and my family without thought to her, LOL, I would have said no way!!! But it happened!

Live well. Take care of you and those who matter to you.


Posts: 1342 | Registered: Jan 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I concur with everything you posted 2oldforthis. That is the book that Martha Stout, whom I quoted, wrote that you recommended. I am sure it is a fascinating book.

That is so crazy how the OW did this.

She almost had everyone one running around to prove it was right while all she did was sit there and say it was wrong. It was her word over DNA.
Some sociopaths are just that good at their game.
Many people get conned by sociopath's. Some in jobs, or money.
Bernie Madoff is a sociopath of epic proportions.
Had you told me she would be hot mess 4 years later due to my silence, never acknowledging her, and really just taking care of me and my family without thought to her, LOL, I would have said no way!!! But it happened.
Gotta, that is very good news!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9496 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. MrH love bombed me. Well, as long as I held him at arm's length. Now it's more of a constant pursuit.

I suppose that means he has some sociopathic tendencies? My IC knows him pretty well and doesn't seem to think so. Selfish, un faced FOO issues, some NPD markers perhaps but not sociopathic.

That said, reading the first few posts here made me nervous and I'm hoping I'm not fooling myself by excusing it as teenage behavior since we were 18 when we started dating.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11102 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holly, I am sure your IC knows much better about Mr.H than just a list of some sociopathic traits. I would trust your IC's thoughts on Mr. H.

As far as "love bombing", I feel that is probably a pretty common "immature" or teenage trait, but when you are a grown up, that isn't what most normal, mature adults do.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9496 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the lesson here is NO CONTACT. Regardless of whether the APs are officially diagnosed or not they are damaged and probably hurt. They are snakes held by their bellies and able to strike where they can reach.

Our waywards? Yep, damaged too but we can make the choice to leave. We didn't have the choice of bringing a crazy, desperate, damaged person into our family.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 287 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if there is a 'cure' for the sociopath, but I do definitely think that my H was bordering on it himself towards the end of the A. I actually had a freak-out melt down one night shortly after he had confessed, thought he was lying to me, conning me - when he was actually, for the first time ever, telling me the whole truth - I thought my head was going to split, I didn't know what was true, what was lie anymore. I called my dad to come over, said I thought my H was going to kill me and the kids. It was like waking up to discover I had been living with a complete stranger. I think for anyone with a conscience, having an A must seriously mess with their psychological health.

Interesting, the OW grew angrier with me the calmer I was. She had mentioned to my H once that she thought about 'outing' all the married men she had affairs with to their wives - like, she had contempt for them, even though she went out of her way to pursue them. As far as she knows, my H's A with her was easily recovered from. She was barely a blip on the radar. He actually told her that his A with her was not even the worst thing that he confessed to me - which was true, but must have hurt for her to hear, since she was no doubt fantasizing that she had completely destroyed his/my life with her magic sex power.

OW absolutely was the predator in their relationship. She spent hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars on gifts for him - brought him something every time she 'happened to be in the area'. He didn't like it, because he felt like he had to be the one with the power in the relationship, felt like he 'owed her'. It's actually what he gave as the reason why he finally had sex with her... 'She had done so much to get me, I felt like I owed her'. Don't get me started.

Yes, apparently my H has one of those magic penises, too. Gold star, OW, here's my penis for you. Whatever.

My H is 1000% responsible for his A. He had a million choices he could have made at any point before he decided to have an A. He chose it. He did not lead her on - he made it clear to her it was 'just sex', that I was a good wife and had done nothing to him to 'deserve' him having an A, that he felt guilty about having the A. I'm sure he played all kinds of mind games with her, too, and tried very hard to make her fall in love with him. That's his own mental thing, and he feels guilt and shame about that, too. He said he was married, she said I don't care. He said go away, she did not go away. He kicked her, she came back wagging her tail and carrying a bone. She went into it with her big girl boots on. I don't know if she's a sociopath or not, but she sure as heck acts like one.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Jul 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plainpain, there is no "cure" for sociopathy.

Here is the link about the "winning" the sociopath needs.

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/05/12/why-sociopaths-win-by-losing/


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9496 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SM. I'll have to ask my IC specifically next time we meet. I see issues, but nothing clear cut in MrH enough to merit a title, KWIM? Unlike my sister...my dad called it when he said NPD with some sociopathic traits. And mom is most likely BPD.

Frankly, between them and growing up with an alcoholic dad and a bipolar stepmom...I'm more surprised I don't have some diagnosis beyond depression and low self esteem.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11102 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Eudaimonia
♀ Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you guys seen Revenge of the Nerds? The scene where they''re playing tug of war against the jocks rings home for me with these types of people. The nerds had no chance of winning *that* game. So, they just dropped the rope. Hilarity ensued.

Eta: WE are the champions, my friend.

[This message edited by TruthorGoodbye at 8:36 PM, November 26th, 2013 (Tuesday)]


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wifes AP, according to my Pastor and small town living, is on to another woman NOT his wife. It is also reported that he had others before my wife. So this post is interesting.....in the, Oh look kids, big Ben sort of way.

I am still left with the fact my wife spread her legs for him....took him in her mouth.

God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3594 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Eudaimonia
♀ Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey look kids, there''s Big Ben, and there''s Parliament..

[This message edited by TruthorGoodbye at 8:43 AM, November 27th, 2013 (Wednesday)]


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 42
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