Then he asked if he could have the kids on Thursday (Thanksgiving) to which I responded no you told me you had no plans so I made plans and you were told this more than one time and agreed you would "maybe" take them on Friday so I made no plans w/them for the rest of the weekend that's your time to do what you want w/them. I told him after this we just follow what the guidelines are concerning holidays, etc. that the lawyer(s) set forth... He got pissed and said I thought we were going to do this just between us and be civil about it. I said I am being very civil. (this is laughable since he still hasn't paid a dime in CS for the month but yup asswipe I'm supposed to just deal w/you???)
He then went back into house into DD's room and asked her if she wanted to go to grandpa's for Thanksgiving but the only thing is is he's having it on THURSDAY (DD LOVES her grandpa - he is such a fucking manipulator) at any rate she said well I guess not then. So I just left that as it is, for now. Then he shut her door and proceeded to stand in her room and visit w/her. I let this go on for about 10 minutes then stepped in and quietly asked him to please come and talk to me in private - he said can I when I'm done talking to DD and I quietly but firmly said no, now. He came out in the entry w/me and I quietly told him he needs to leave NOW. I said this is MY home right now and you are disrespecting me and my boundaries and it stops now. If you'd like to spend time w/DD she has not had supper yet and by all means take her out for a bite, or a drive, or whatever but you need to leave my home now. So he goes back in DD's room, says I guess I have to leave now, and kisses her goodbye.
Since he did not invite her to do anything I am going to assume that he really wasn't interested in spending time w/his daughter but was simply trying to manipulate the situation, disrespect me, and just generally try and piss all over me some more. I just can't stand his fucking games anymore!!
I matter-of-factly told DD she's absolutely more than welcome to hang w/her dad anytime but he doesn't live here anymore and he and I agreed that he also would not "hang out" here anymore so he was being disrespectful to me by doing so. It sucks I know, I'm sorry that this sucks right now but things will get better. Asked her if she was doing/feeling ok and then left her be.
He was calm but very angry when he left. I remained calm, cool, and collected the whole time but will admit I am worried and a bit scared that he will try to retaliate. He can be very passive/aggressive and he very much likes to be in control.
One thing to remember is that when you say something, you need to follow through. (I say this not because of anything you said/did, but because he sounds like a passive-aggressive manipulative asshole who is going to test your boundaries.)
If he's not allowed in the house anymore (hopefully you have some sort of legal documentation to back this up?) don't let him in. Change the locks. Remember that you can't reason with an unreasonable person, so bite your tongue and rant away here instead!
It will help your healing the more NC you can be with him.
You've got this.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
The house situation is a precarious one for me, unfortunately. It is provided through his job and so far we just have a verbal agreement that I will stay here w/the kids until I can figure out something else. It is the kids' home, we've been here 10+ years. His boss has said in the past that as long as STBX works for him it is his and he doesn't care who lives there, STBX has told me he spoke w/him and this is the status quo. I have a very relationship w/STBX's boss, he's a family man and I actually grew up w/his stepdaughters and have remained good friends w/them and their families - I also know some "under the table" business dealings that have gone/go on and boss is aware of this. Never-the-less I am no fool and do have an appointment w/attorney tomorrow to see what we can do about getting something on paper.
I also have an application to apply for housing once I get a temporary CS order because I do need to get out of this house. STBX uses it to control/manipulate me so I will vacate as soon as I can. In the meantime I use his IC's words about disrespecting me (as she has told him he [obviously] has no respect for women) and gently but firmly remind him we don't want to make a "scene" in front of kids and lets please not make this any worse for them than it already is. *sigh* I pray this keeps working until I can get out of here
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Thought you'd beat me to it NG! end t/j
[This message edited by 5454real at 10:48 PM, November 25th (Monday)]
When I see him I feel "contaminated", violated, and he makes me feel like I've done something wrong. Like I'm being a bitch because I won't let him be w/his kids. When he pulls this shit (goes between cold, detached anger to this poor, sad, puppy dog) I remind him "you did this, your choices, not mine" - but I think sometimes I need to remind myself more than him because a. he is a blamer and takes no responsibility for it anyway and b. he truly is a heartless bastard who DOES NOT CARE about anyone but himself - this fake crap w/his kids is more about trying to make himself look good and me bad - REALITY: I have repeatedly made it clear that he can have/see kids anytime he wants just NOT in MY home
I am very nervous about meeting w/attorney today. I am terrified he is going to tell me I am screwed. I will get nothing. I keep hearing what STBX told me when he decided he was "done" - he's going to show me. He's not so bad. I didn't have it so bad and now I'll see what its really like w/out him. I know REALITY is: he has NEVER really "been" here, I've been single parent for 17 years, ran the house myself, worked, blah blah blah but its SO hard to get his voice out of my head. I don't feel strong.
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.