I have thought about using it as a threat to keep him in check. He is fearful, it may work. If I make it clear that the BS would know before WH, that could be a dynamic that would work. I have already told him I am making no promises on R, only that I'd give it a shot. I said if D is the path I will not hold this secret anymore and that is a fact. I will not D without people knowing the real reason.
I appreciate your tough love attitude. I am working my way in that direction. I always thought that's how I'd react to all this. I'm a little shocked at myself.
hopefulmother - interesting. I disregarded contacting her a while ago. I figured why should she care, but I had not thought of doing so in the manner you mention. I need to think about that some more.
I am in the camp that says tell the BS. I think you have the set-up for another false R. Having been through that myself, I can only say that I wish I had been less trusting. My H's AP is single and pregnant - no BS to tell. But I also did not tell ANYONE about my H's betrayal the first time around. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, afraid of being judged, afraid people would hate him - I was still wanting to protect him, his career, his reputation, our 'image' as a family. I thought forgiveness would be easier if I kept it secret, and didn't extend the damage. I thought I was helping the healing by trying to minimize the damage for him and for myself. I thought I could contain it, if I threw my body over the grenade.
After she told him she was pregnant, he went to my dad and told him what he had done - he knew that I wouldn't tell, and that I would need emotional support. Then he told me. A week after he told me, he quit his job - literally signed over his half of his business to his business partner - and walked away because that was where the A took place. He wants to see OW even less than I do - the thought of running into her now makes him sick. He has not had a single conversation with her since confessing, that I have not been a part of, because he doesn't want to leave room for ANY doubt in my mind. He does not want to cause me any more pain, suspicion, jealousy - he wants complete and total transparency for his protection and for my emotional well-being. We moved to the other side of the country to save our marriage.
Jobs can be replaced. If there is humiliation and struggle to be had because of the A, then your H should be willing to endure that for the sake of protecting your marriage and your family - and I think you have to let him. Will it be easier for him to provide for you and your children if he is supporting two separate households? I know it is scary to think of being unemployed or having a job in jeopardy while you are expecting another child - but if you want to fight for your marriage then it has to go to the top of the list of priorities. Your emotional security cannot take a backseat to financial stability. I would even think that he should take the initiative to find a new job where he does not have to interact with her.
If your H has the opportunity to see OW in person, and away from you, there is risk for re-offending. I am concerned, too, that he gave the NC letter in person. To go from 'I can't give her up', to just handing her a letter and walking away? I don't know. He has already admitted to you that he can't stay away from her.. that he has fought himself, and he can't resist her. He's still in the fog. My H took a good month to really step out of the fog - even after he confessed to me, after he witnessed my devastation, he was still afraid to talk to her or to be caught in a situation alone with her because, as he said, 'She has a spell over me'. He admitted, too, that if she hadn't gotten pregnant he would probably not have ever confessed everything to me - and the affair could have just gone on, on and off, for years and years and years.
Your H did not confess - he got caught. The A was halted abruptly, not of his own choice. He maybe wanted it to end, was wracked with the guilt the whole time, hated himself for betraying you - but it was a relationship, and he's probably still very concerned for her feelings.
He is a proficient liar. He tells u this, you believe then u find other stuff, he tells a little more, u believe, then it recycles.
His friend is SA. Maybe there is even more u don't know about. I can assure u there is.
Do u have any famy that is good enough and u love enough where they can move in with u for a long time? I think it's time to kick him out. I rarely say that. This is a bad husband and father. Putting u and your unborn at high risk even death.
I'm sorry. He is a bad husband and horrible father.
U are lost I know.
Find outside help. Part of that is attys, and family. And other spouse. Give him all the proof.
U need help. He is not a good person, I'm sorry, he's not. Ask anyone else in the whole world if u are still not convinced.
I married horribly too. I'm so sorry that there are so many bad ones out there. The younger u r the better it is to cut and run.
I feel horrible writing this. But I'm a Mom and this is a Mom speaking.
I think I am starting to come around, granted this all really happened last night and I'm still trying to work through it all. I need to really get some things in order before I decide to spill the beans.
I don't think I can do anything until after this holiday weekend at the very least. I just can't handle it, too many people around, it will be easier to make it through if I wait until after.
I feel like I'm in a fog. I want so desperately to believe I didn't marry this horrible person. I want so desperately to believe he or we can fix this. I can't get out of this mothering mode, where I think if I can help him, I can be better. It's so crazy. I know.
I'm tempted to wait until after his first IC, to see how he responds. He has never been good with criticism, and owning his feelings and actions. I am curious to know how he feels about actually talking about it. It would give me some insight into if there is any chance after an outing that we can work through it. Obviously he is selfish, prideful and embarrassed, and he sees that as an obstacle, which makes me see it as an obstacle.
I know it has only been 2 months since I found out, though the devastation is no less, the hurt is no less, my reactions have slowly become more about me and less about him. I will get there. I have to get there.
Only you know the circumstances. Do not trust he will read Not Just Friends. Read it together and discuss as you go as an exercise for your marriage.
Right now he has no choices. You get to drive now. No friend outings, male or female, including gym. If he says he needs to work out, too bad. Unless he is at work, which he can verify by using the landline, he is to be home with you. He calls when he gets to work and he calls when he leaves to come home. You talk to him the entire drive to and from. Sound radical? If he cannot give up OW, it will take radical measures.
You cannot be his warden, but he can be accountable to you for his time. Put the find a phone app on his cell phone. Check it often.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I'm glad I made the choice to stay with him. It would hurt either way, and I think that for me this pain is the better of the two. It all still hurts like hell, and it's far from 'over'. I am on anti-depressants - but I think I might be able to go off of them soon. I am waiting until after the baby is born (OW's, not mine), to make sure I have emotional stability when it hits.
Wow...you have quite a lot to digest here! Great advice and a lot to take in.
I just came to give you and your babies a big cyber hug. I'm glad you're posting often. Feel free to write a vent post as well...they are very liberating.
Sending you strength and more hugs...
This is obviously a lot to deal with and being pregnant is certainly not helping. I think that no matter the outcome, the road I travel is not going to be easy so I need to pace myself, but mostly for the sake of my health.
I have to agree with you and the way you are thinking and handling things.. Take things slowly, making the main focus your baby and your health..A lot of other things can wait..One step at a time...
With that being said, your WH needs to accommodate you, not get irritated, mad, or threaten you that he will look elsewhere if you don't feel like trying to renew bonds with him just yet( sex, date night, etc)
You need to have a serious break from it all just to focus on your health and that of your baby and other kiddos if you have any...
Your WH (if remorseful) needs to be waiting on you hand and foot and asking what more can he do...
You've been given good advice. I know how it feels to want to control the fallout, but you really can't. I found much greater success by detonating a nuclear bomb in the middle of my world. Let the shit fall where it may. Trying to control the future is pointless. Going nuclear now is likely your best shot at making this work. You can pay the price now, or later. If you pay it now, your kids might end up with their family intact.
As far as telling the other BS. You need to handle it however is best for you and your family. I didn't tell the BS. By the time I found SI too much time had passed and I didn't have the guts to do it. However, as we went through R, I found out the BS had called and confronted my H about sending his wife inappropriate texts. So...he knew. I wouldn't be surprised if the BS suspects also. However, ultimately your family has needs and you have to watch over them first. That may include or not include your WH, but time will determine that.
Take care of yourself. I am glad you found the information, you at least know what you are dealing with. Watch with your gut. If he is up to something, I would expect you will know it.
I did not realize that just walking up to my house after work would set off a small anxiety attack. He wasn't even there, he had left for the gym, but called very shortly after and asked if I was ok. I choked back some tears, was honest and he told me that he is there for me and to never hesitate to express how I feel. That alone is complete turnaround from before. Before, he never asked, he was emotionless and defensive, sometimes even cold when I would talk about anything personal, the A or brought up my feelings.
He came home, we talked, there were some tense moments but for the most part, he seems very different. He cried a little, which that has not happened at all until this point. We really went into the NC, my boundaries and the consequences. He was much more open about things. I think knowing that I know everything now, has made it easier for him to open up about feelings and thoughts. He has given me full access to all his accounts (I can even access work email anytime), has actually been asking how to ensure he is providing accountability for when he is out and not with me. He said he knows and understands that when he has to be at an event without me, that it will be hard and wants to do what he can to alleviate that feeling. The entire time we talked, there was less crying on my end, but more harsh words, he never tried to defend any of his actions and has taken handled my verbal lashing with sympathy. Which I have to admit, he has never in our marriage been able to do. He actually brought up starting a job search. He has opened up about even the little lies, the ones not related to the A, that in comparison seem silly, but he needed to get off his chest.
The most tense point in the conversation was about exposing the A. I have expressed my own concerns about exposing the A for various reasons. I did learn that the OW BS is probably not the route I want to go, I learned he has a criminal past and that makes me uncomfortable about retaliation. My husband is of course unnerved at the idea that he could lose his job if the A is exposed there (which he should be, itís his fault). He has acknowledged that even though during the A he convinced himself he was in control and that no one would find out, that there was always that chance of someone catching on, her BS, or even her in a fallout jeopardizing his job, that he knows now how stupid he was. Outing the A to family, I have expressed not wanting to for my own reasons. I cannot stay positive and R with the judgments that will come with that. I know my family with support me, but I know what they say behind closed doors, my sister was a wayward and she is blood and it took years for my family to come around. However, I told him, if a boundary is crossed, they will be the first to know and I will tell everyone, everything. I should also note that my brother works in his office, my mother is my child care giver, so if we were to split, he would be faced with my family routinely. He has no one else, so he would also be very alone and he knows that.
He called for an IC appointment and wants to do some reading and agreed to discuss them with me. He said that giving him the opportunity to R after all this, which he didnít think would happen, has given him a renewed sense that he can become a better man and father.
I know this all "sounds" wonderful, but he has to actually follow through. That's the big test, I want to have faith, but that trust is going to be tough to come by. I told him that all the energy he placed into deceit can be refocused into proving himself to me. After the conversation I felt better, I still had some moments, mental videos of things and the moment when he leaves for work is tough and awkward.
I still have a very long way to go with this. But I am trying to remain hopeful for a successful R.
He knew there was a risk of other people at work finding out..but that didn't stop him.
But now? Now that he isn't getting anything out of the OW anymore, now he is worried about her BH and his reputation at work.
Please be very careful. You say you know everything..chances are..you don't. You say he seemed different...that could be damage control.
As long as her BH doesn't know, you will never know if NC is really in place. She could have bought him another phone.
As you said..his words sound good. Watch his actions. Does he understand this will take years to get through?
You said he was at the gym when you got home...then when he came home,he was a different man. Did he provide any proof he was at the gym? My worry is he was with OW, figuring out how to take this underground,without you finding out.
Im sorry if Im being all negative. But his turn around,his "NC" that was done away from you, and his desire to protect himself and OW(where is your protection?), are pinging my radar.
Im wondering...does he know you are posting here?
[This message edited by confused615 at 11:00 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
He said he was and is terrified of him. He said he tried to convince himself during the A that he could make sure he wouldn't find out. He realizes now how stupid that assumption was.
When I say I know everything, I mean about the A, I know how long, I know it was PA, I know more details now than before. I also have written proof of things from snooping. He discussed a timeline with me last night, about when it started, how it started, when it progressed and when they stopped talking for a couple weeks, when and why it resumed. He admits that the A wasn't exactly a great one, they fought, many of the messages I found were about conflict and the messages to a friend that clearly stated that she was awful to him, and he didn't know why he couldn't stop. His message even said I know she wouldn't leave him, I know we would never last and yet I still see her.
I know he was at the gym, he goes with a close friend of ours, who lives around the corner. I also saw the friend drop him off. This friend learned of the A just the other night because they were together when I called him out, and he saw my "we are done" text. He had to explain to him what happened and this friend. WH told me that this friend even told him, if I kick him out he cannot stay at his place. I also could hear the gym machines, and an email came through last night from the gym about a one time "pass" for not bringing his gym card.
You are right, I won't truly know if he is in NC. That is my struggle. But I also can't say if OBS knew as well that I would still know for sure. He did admit that giving her the NC letter made him feel good, he never did anything like that before. After DDay 1 he never attempted to break it off. He didn't know how.
He does understand that this will take a very long time to get over. I told him at the very least a year passed DD, but expect much longer. I told him that anything could trigger me, anything could raise a suspicion and he said he understands. He said he understands that he was not truly remorseful before. He was too embarrassed to confess what he did and the further he was in the harder it got.
Also my reaction on DDAY #2 was much harsher, DDAY 1 I was in shock, I was sad and broken. I am still that way, but I handled it much differently and I think he took my reaction much more serious this time. He also knows that at anytime I may decide I do not want to R, that I may never trust him again. I made it very clear that, yes I love him, I also hate him right now too. I am giving him chance because I feel for me, I have to give my family a chance and that he in no way deserves any of this.