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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: But you're so pretty! or...But you're such a good person!
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering...how many of you get this response when you tell people that you're divorcing and the reason why? I don't necessarily blurt "my husband cheated" to everyone I meet, but for many of my coworkers and friends when they learned this, their response was my subject line.

I myself had the same attitude...when I would hear that *insert name of beautiful Hollywood actress here*'s husband had cheated and they were divorcing, I would think, "But she's such a beautiful woman! Why would he cheat on HER???"

Why does everyone think that the WS's infidelity is about the BS? That kind of response seems to imply that it would be understandable if the BS were unattractive or a mean person, but if the BS is attractive and nice, they would never be cheated on.

I know in my own case that the cheating has nothing whatsoever to do with me. WS is a sex addict with serious mental issues that he managed to mostly hide from me for years; at no time did he cheat because the OW was somehow superior to me. Instead, he chose OW's much, much younger than himself (teenage girls, mostly) to repeat the cycle of sexual abuse that he went through as a young boy.

So when someone says, "But you're so..." I always feel irritated (although I suppose I should feel flattered that they think no man would want to trade me for someone else) and want to explain that the cheating was never about me, my looks, or my qualities.

What about all of you?


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's meant to be an insult to the BS, as if they did something wrong, it's more of an insult to the WS, like "what is wrong with you?" that they would give up something so good, for something not as good.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3296 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with SparkySable. It's similar to the response people had when Halle Berry was cheated on. "Who the hell would do that!" In other words, he just threw away a diamond in exchange for coal.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll never forget the comment from friends who have been mutual friends of ours for over 20 years. They said "Not to sound mean but we would think you would be the one to cheat just because of what you look like and what he looks like." It's upsetting,

Looks really have nothing to do with cheating or what kind of person you are. But it is very hurtful, I understand and have heard those type of comments too.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7464 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My future X picked a woman who is short, dumpy and looks like my mom, but is actually 4 years younger than me. He even said she had bad skin and her "body wasn't all that hot". But yet, here I am.

I'm rapidly approached 20 lbs lost since this started. I can't wait to see him in court.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola -- that's awesome!

I know that the people telling me this are trying to be nice, it's just kind of awkward for me and something inside me feels perturbed. I'll bet Halle's husband didn't cheat because of Halle's looks, either...


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got this a lot. The sad clown was punching way above his weight in looks, intellect, wit, charm, sex appeal.

It used to bother me - I'd school them that it had nothing to do with me. AT.ALL. He cheated with ugly women, pretty women and everything in between.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes ppl just do not know what to say when they are shocked by what happened to us.

My one friend looked at me so sincere and muttered "What a fool he is...."

I thought that summed it up best and touched my heart.

It is true - does not matter how skinny or fluffy we are, blonde or black hair, etc......the bottomline is they are fools.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2052 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take it as a compliment.

I still remember the first time I got it -- XWH and I had volunteered at an animal rescue center for about 8 years on D-Day. The ladies rallied around me, and one of them said, "I can't believe HE cheated on YOU" and then they went about discussing how if anyone should have cheated it should have been me since I was way too good for him and deserved better, etc.

At the time, I didn't know as much about cheating/cheaters as I do now. But after I learned, I used comments like that as an opportunity to explain a bit about how cheating works, etc.

For people who haven't been through it, I think the default assumption is that something is wrong with the BS or with the M in order for cheating to happen.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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