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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Her denial is driving me nuts...
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was lucky, my ex told everyone at the same time I found out, so she did herself in. A year later she claims to be embarrassed but she did it to herself. Best advise is to tell very few if you want to keep the hope of a marriage, but then, you dont really have a marriage now, do you? Your wife is dating. You arent. Light destroys the fantasy. Split the bank accounts say nothing walk away. She will eat herself alive.

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry you are here. I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. I have a somewhat similar story.

You have received excellent advice here. Listen to it.

Now, one thing I want you to be grateful for on this particular Thanksgiving Day is this:


That will make what you need to do far, far, far more easy than if you did - as painful as it is even now without children.

Always keep the following truth seared into your heart, mind and soul:

Her infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE. Infidelity/Adultery is a PERSONAL failure - not a marital failure.

You have been hurt, lied to, deceived, and betrayed in the ultimate way. Now, let that become anger - righteous, controlled anger.

Consult with a hard-core divorce attorney and FILE FOR DIVORCE - IMMEDIATELY!

EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE! Expose this piece of shit affair to the whole fucking world. Tell her family in a somewhat subtle way and let them know you simply don't accept this in your life. They most likely won't support you but who knows - they may - my ex in-laws supported me and are to this day in disbelief over what their daughter did.

Cancel all joint accounts and credit cards.

Gather as much information about the affair as you can and RETAIN that information in a SAFE PLACE that she does not know about. If you can afford to do so, hire a private investigator to track her for two or three days so he can get images, video, etc. No-fault states don't care about the cause when it comes to the actual divorce but if adultery can be proven then it can significantly mitigate any possible alimony she will DEFINITELY go for. Judges don't like boyfriends.

Take on a steely, cold, and determined demeanor. You need to . She did this KNOWING IT WOULD HURT YOU. There is no question. Ask yourself: Are you really in love with someone who could do this to you. ANYONE can do better than this shit.

Do not beg, negotiate or discuss ANYTHING with her.

Acquire and keep a Voice-Activated Recorder on you AT ALL TIMES YOU ARE IN HER PRESENCE. She is on a forbidden-fruit thrill, dopamine-addicted high right now that has driven her to throw away her marriage for a morally-crippled piece of shit that simply preys on broken, easy-kill women.

You are quite young and WILL do better than someone who would do this to you. Imagine if you had children right now. Imagine what there world would be like right now. You don't have children that have to go through this Total Fucking Nightmare.

You simply need to cut this shitbag loose and enjoy your life free of it.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every few weeks, let all the air out of OM's tires.

This won't change anything but it's amazing how much better you will feel.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 2:37 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Soliciting is against the guidelines. Please do not give lawyer recommendations on SI.

Thank you.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38046 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 2:47 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LeopoldB -

SI does not support or condone revenge.

Posts: 35901 | Registered: Mar 2011
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it even possible that it hasn't crossed the physical boundary yet?

Sorry RealityStinks, anything is possible but this is so unlikely based on what you've described that you should discount it as a possibility.

Or will she ever admit it?

I think they usually do, but my brother's wife never did. They divorced early in 2000, the OM had been hanging out with them for at least a year, and she moved right out of the marital home into his home. Yet she never once admitted to cheating on my brother and stuck with a narrative that she divorced him because of his deficiencies as a husband. Her relationship with the OM cratered inside of six months, and by Halloween 2000 she was giving off signs of wanting to reconcile with my brother (without coming clean, though). My brother, to his credit, paid no attention to her signals.

You have no control over her actions, integrity, and character. They are what they are.

You are still in your 20s and have no children. Many betrayed husbands on this site would find that to be an enviable position. Not that betrayal is ever not extremely painful, but toss heartbroken children and child support into the mix, and you have something much worse. You will be connected with her for life due to co-parenting issues, graduations, weddings, etc. I guess people get used to anything, but decades of seeing my former wife and her current spouse/significant other at special events sounds about as enticing as a root canal without anesthesia.

She has shown you who she is at a time when you can divorce and start your life anew with relatively minimal complications. Please think long and hard before you decide to reconcile with her, assuming that will be an option.

Regardless, try to take care of yourself with healthy activities, such as exercise, reading, hanging out with friends, or whatever floats your boat. Keep your mind occupied with non-affair related things to the extent possible. Try to eat healthy. See a doctor if the anxiety and/or depression seems overwhelming. And join us in the Betrayed Men thread (I Can Relate Forum) if you want to cyber-hang with some guys who understand your pain. Welcome to SI.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1451 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
♂ Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Continued denial, when confronted with overwhelming evidence is a mean-spirited form of mental abuse. Oh how I can relate!!! The blameshifting and mental games waywards play often is beyond selfish. They, many times have a pact to deny, deny, deny. The dirty little game they are playing is like a drug they can't stop. Often, we betrayed are the ones in the fog, because we are so fearful of the actual truth, that someone we have given our complete faith and love to, can actually treat us so we start to doubt the evidence. She needs to know that she has lost you...don't just 180...go all the way...if it is meant to be...then you can rebuild...if it is not meant to be, then too, you can also rebuild...without her. You are very young, and you will survive, but not if you let the mind games continue. It will bring you down and make you cynical. My best to you. surround yourself with the support you need.

Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reality, I exposed my wife's affair earlier this week and can tell you it drove her to the point of blocking all of our friends we shared on Facebook due to shame/embarrassment. Same thing happened with her family as I had one of her aunt's send me a message that I shouldn't take to social media for sympathy/etc and should seek professional help.

It has been one month since I found out and through my IC, support group and family/friends I have come to the conclusion that one month is long enough for her to have messed with my head the way she has. She F'd up and needs to face the consequences of her actions.

You are going to have her be VERY angry at you if you confronted both of them. At my initial hearing on Monday, my wife actually verbally attacked me prior because I would not acknowledge that she was there. Be prepared for that, the important thing is to stay calm and it will make her even more upset. Her mom had to pull her away as she was making a scene due to my calmness.

Keep posting as this is an excellent resource for you and make sure to stop by the "Betrayed Men" thread in the "I Can Relate" Forum.

ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for the advice and kind words. I have put my foot down. I believe I mentioned previously that I told her to leave last weekend after the Inn confirmed the OM was checked in the same day she was there.

Well, I got home last night after spending Thanksgiving with my family, and she had moved all of her clothes out and a few other things. To her credit, she did text and say that her mom and a few other people were going to help her get some of her personal things yesterday. She invited me to be there, but I didn't respond or show up.

As far as exposure goes, I wonder if it would do any good at this point other than make me look like a pansy. I did tell her mom, brother, and aunt the entire story, and they all side with her and claim that she did not have an affair because she proclaims her innocence ("just like she did to me until I caught her in the lies" was my response to all of them, and I told them she was lying to them too). They even helped her move out of the house this weekend (at least her mom did). I do find comfort in knowing that they will all have to admit to themselves that she was having an affair if things do work out with her and the OM. So, for the time being, the plan is to take the high road and move on.

I have an appointment with a lawyer this week, and I intend to do things my way. She cheated, she wants out, and she refuses to work on our marriage, so we'll divorce my way.

That said, things pretty much suck right now. I do miss her, but I've been missing her for months now. The truth is, she checked out a long time ago whether I want to admit it or not. But it's still the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. It's been over a week since I laid eyes on her which is the longest stint is the past 8-1/2 years since we were married.

I keep telling myself that things will get better and that time heals all wounds. I just wish time would hurry up!

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 29
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