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User Topic: The Affair Down riddle solved...
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They affair down because we are awesome.

They are tired of feeling like we are better than them, and so they go and find someone that they feel superior to.
Ego strokes.
We are so much better that we threaten them with our greatness.
So they find someone who does not. An it makes them feel better about themselves.

That's my theory anyway. Too harsh?


Edited for spelling.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 6:09 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually don't think that's too far off.

My H always said he thought I could have done better than him. He didn't feel worthy of me - or at least felt like everyone we knew felt like I could have done better. He definitely was drawn to someone who made him feel better about himself. Since he was a lying, deceiving, cheating, poor excuse of a husband, he had to go pretty low down to find someone who could look up to him. Bottom feeder.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL - "bottom feeder".

I actually feel like I solved the riddle of the sphinx.
I think it is that fucking simple.

Your story about your H and how you were better? Ditto here.

It just makes sense. And then they throw a tantrum for attention (i.e. go and fuck another woman) and call it a mistake.
You didn't fucking knock over the cookie jar asshole- you stole my goddamned life.
Grow the fuck up. Everyone just needs to grow the fuck up. APs and WSs alike.

Wow. Not sure where that came from.
Pardon the language.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so they go and find someone that they feel superior to.

that's what I finally figured out about ex.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12151 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I don't feel awesome.

But MrH has said he put me on a pedestal. That I am a good person, a smart person, one of the best people he knows.

So maybe you're idea has merit.

(Totally not channelling Jafar talking to Iago there )


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is true in my case. I actually have always had self-esteem issues and have never thought very highly of myself, but I think my ex had a hard time with me being "better" than him...

I never looked at it that way, but I had the better education, I had the better career, I had more money, I had a lot of things I accomplished that he probably never would...

I think he started to feel inferior. OW was less educated than him, OW had a shittier job than him, OW had less money than him... I think she made him feel successful and superior and that was good for his ego.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2010
MakingLemonade
♀ Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the ego boost! Seems your theory applies in my case after A#1 when I became a stronger, healthier, and more confident person through IC while he went underground into greater perversion.


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H actually also said he thought she was mousey and lacked confidence. A real low-risk target. He thought she was desperate enough that he wouldn't get shot down.

He actually told her - during the A while he was explaining something to her - that she really could have been anybody...... guess that didn't go over well -


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3626 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it really has anything to do with us one way or another, sorry to say.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No Jana- I know.

It's just hard when nothing makes sense anymore.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is absolutely what happened with us. When I was a messed up drug addict who kept blowing our life up every other year, he could rescue me and save the family and feel superior. But when I got sober and started getting healthier, he did not like it one but. He needed someone to feel superior to, and I'll be damned if he didn't hit the crack-whore crypt-keeper looking redneck white trash jackpot. I don't think he could have found someone more unattractive in every possible way if he went off on some mythical ugly monster quest.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2746 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is true it has NOTHING to do with us but this theory is makin' me feel better


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1760 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to go with it, but....

Part of wh affair behavior with chickie was making damn sure he criticized every blooming thing he could think of about me. Sadly, after hearing it for 3 years, some of it stuck and the stupid part of me wonders if chickie really is as amazing as he can make her sound


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2013
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Stunned, of course they have to criticize the BW to their little side pieces. I mean, if he sat around talking about how wonderful I was, why would he be looking for a side piece? It's all part of the fantasy world. It wouldn't be very romantic if he said, "I feel so inferior to my wife and you are pretty much scum of the earth so could I bonk you?"

Nope. So instead, ow gets to hear about big, bad, bitchy BW who can't ever be satisfied, gained too much weight after the babies, doesn't like sex, only cares about her career... Blah, blah, effing blah. And the panties just fall off.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2746 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a way I want to laugh at your conclusion, but I will say that WH claimed that one of the main attractions to OW was that she was a disaster. He was going through the lowest point in his life, questioning his ability to be a husband/father due to health/mental health issues, and she was unattractive, had chronic diarrhea issues (she carried a roll toilet paper around with her and one time had poop on her pants from a slight accident that he was afraid to point out), unemployed (never had a true job her entire 37 years of her life), lived with her mother, and had no idea how to function in the real world. He claimed that I was "perfect" in every way, and he's never felt good enough for me. And so in turn, he felt like Superman standing next to Queen Failure.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what happened to me. Even before the "a" he said he wasn't good enough for me.
It pisses me off cause I told him, no one is better. If one of us has success we share in it equally because we r partners. We are there for,each other.
He took that as a "I should go fuck some ditch pig for 4 years. Ummm ok


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
PurpleBirch
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*slow clap*

Amen.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PurpleBirch, you beat me to it!
Amen, Amen and Amen ( with some clapping)

LOL with the OW and tp and doo doo stains!! I really am LOLing, thanks for sharing that one!

Love you guys!!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 488 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
HeartStings
♀ Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too harsh? Nope.

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

My WH just told me this week, "You should have had drinks with me the night we met and then walked away."

Yep. I was always too good for him. Oh well. I have two wonderful children from him. I can never regret that.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are tired of feeling like we are better than them,

Dunno about that. I think my XH just got tired of taking me for granted.

and so they go and find someone that they feel superior to.

Yup. This part absolutely. XH grumbled about my IQ being higher than his. OW's IQ is hovering around borderline-house plant. So, XH prolly feels REAL superior to it. XH wanted to be the king of dog-shit mountain. Now he is.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 756 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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