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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Trust Test
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in R and all is good. Gradually building trust and thankfully spending time together. We talk about the A when it comes up and it helps.

The OW is a client at work and he has been asked to do some more work with her. The work he does is overseas and is usually for a week at a time. The A happened on one of these jobs.

WBF says he trusts himself to keep it purely professional and that nothing will happen. I know, if he goes, I will be a complete wreck. But as we are in R should I use it as a trust test to see how we get on?


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 418 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he is going overseas for a week to meet with OW, a client?

Ya, not in my lifetime.

Three options

1. I would be going

2. He would be finding another job

3.He would be finding a new place to live.

You are only a few weeks out from getting the truth from him. In such a short period what has he done to be able to suddenly trust himself?

I worry you are rugsweeping and will find yourself hurt in the process. The days/weeks after dday are spent recovering from the initial trauma inflicted upon us. Jumping into R is dangerous, IMO. There is a lot of pre-R healing and work that needs to be done before the decision can be made. He has a lot of work to do.

Please be careful.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 18 mo out n my FWH is doing everything "right", but I still would not be able to be in that situation. Last night he went out with two friends to a local pub type bar down the street. The friend drove, he texted regularly, and I was still having difficulty. I put on my happy face because he's done nothing social without me in a year and I felt he needed it. But if he was out of my reach for a week it would be awful! I hope you can find a better solution because this will not be good for you.

Posts: 259 | Registered: Sep 2012
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I know it will be hell. Its bad enough when he has been away since DD.

He said he wouldn't go because it would be bad for me. So that's positive, but I really wanted him to say he wouldn't go because he didn't want to. I know its work and money and all that, but he said he would be able to handle it. I see that as a positive R thing to do.

BUT, yes you are both right, I need him not to go to save my sanity - however well he can handle it.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 418 | Registered: Nov 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will be a complete wreck.

this kind of thing should not be happening in recovery.
He should be doing everything he can so you're not put in this position. It wouldn't be happening for me even 20 years out. IMHO, it's disrespectful to the BS for the WS to be anywhere near the AP.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4768 | Registered: Dec 2010
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wouldn't be happening for me even 20 years out. IMHO, it's disrespectful to the BS for the WS to be anywhere near the AP.

^^^yep...it shouldn't even be an option


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but he said he would be able to handle it.

Oh good god. He's kidding, right? It's a cruel joke.

This man doesn't have a clue. Or he actually believes that crap which is worse.

If this is a trust test, what's a pass? How do you check up? There is no way this is going to be beneficial for you two. You will be a wreck and even if he doesn't do anything remotely inapropriate you'll never believe him. If he a good boy, he'll come home feeling proud of himself, the doubt will kill you and he won't understand why.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he actually believes it would be OK for him. Am I deluded or is he?

I will make my views known to him - helped by you guys.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 418 | Registered: Nov 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, if he goes, I will be a complete wreck. But as we are in R should I use it as a trust test to see how we get on?

Do you want to be a complete wreck? Why would you tolerate that?

To be frank, if your not M'd and you don't have kids. Walk. No scratch that run. Build a new with learned knowledge.

I think he actually believes it would be OK for him.

Who gives a shit what he is OK with? IMO that's the wrong question. What are you OK with?

If you want to make a go of this with him you need the really decide what the new ground rules are for your relationship. You decide those. Are the two of you in pre-MC? Is he in IC? What is his plan for communication with your for his healing. How is he proving he is sorry? Is that good enough for you?

NC mean NC. My W stopped working with OM immediately. She still works in the same institution, but as soon as she is done with school she is leaving that institution or we are done. I don't want OM popping into our conversations on a regular bases for the next 20 years? Oh I ran into OM today? Do you want that?

This stuff can work out, it really can, but both parties need to be crystal clear about those efforts. See OW this quickly is no good KatieG, no good.

Don't accept what you are not willing to tolerate.

Take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's delusional if he thinks he can handle it.

I'm sure he didn't think he would cheat in the first place.

The best way to stay off the slippery slope is to avoid standing on the edge of it.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H said to me, "I can handle this, we do not need to stop the work because I did some stupid texting. There will be nothing social." That lasted less than a week, they took it underground, and were in bed in a month. I did not realize they had an EA going at the time.

Those words, " I can handle it" are a huge trigger for both of us. He should have run in the opposite direction and never even talked to her again. He could not handle it.

Huge life changes have to take place after the A. Your H needs to respect the fact he brought the problems into your M and make every effort to keep the rest of your days clean and free from even the hint of A activities.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1454 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
deb3129
♀ Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, this is not okay


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 784 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he actually believes it would be OK for him. Am I deluded or is he?

He could be deluded, or he could be continuing the A under your nose. I don't know him - but I do know that clearly he can NOT trust himself to be alone with her, and neither can you. The fact that he would even think he could, speaks volumes.

I can only speak from my own experience. After my H confessed his A, I think there was still some small part of him that thought maybe they could stay 'friends' somehow. That didn't last long. When he came fully out of the fog (within the first month), the thought of being anywhere near her made him want to vomit. He does not want to see her, talk to her, hear from her, see a photo of her, hear her name. He hates himself for what he did to me - the LAST thing he would EVER do would be to entertain for one moment the thought of even being alone with her in the next ROOM. My H found a different job, to avoid the possibility of seeing her, and to remove as many triggers as possible for me. We sold our house, moved to a different city. He will give up anything, do anything, ANYTHING to give me peace of mind.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um, No way never ever.

He sounds very foggy to me. You are being kind and trusting, and even though that's normally a good thing in this situation it will bite you on your ass every time.

Please take some time to do some snooping, and make sur that he is not continuing to have this A underground.

I see red flags all over this. He doesn't get it yet. Do NOT trust him, he has to work hard for a long time to get that right back.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8218 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, everyone's view is the same! He is doing/saying all the right things, I have done some snooping and will continue to - but I have found nothing. I would be literally blown away if it is still going on.

Does seem very early though for him to have moved on and seem so strong. I will have to talk to him about this in more detail. Thanks everyone.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 418 | Registered: Nov 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my H confessed his A, I think there was still some small part of him that thought maybe they could stay 'friends' somehow. That didn't last long. When he came fully out of the fog (within the first month), the thought of being anywhere near her made him want to vomit. He does not want to see her, talk to her, hear from her, see a photo of her, hear her name. He hates himself for what he did to me - the LAST thing he would EVER do would be to entertain for one moment the thought of even being alone with her in the next ROOM

^^^^^^^ This.
Amen to that. Mine too.

And I say this with all of the best intentions.

He does not get it.
I am beginning to worry that you don't see it either.
This is huge. He did not leave the bathroom light on. He slept with someone else. And now he is going to spend a week in a far off location with this person?
What has changed that he won't do this again? He saw you cry and doesn't want to hurt you? Is that what changed?

My WH said that to me- "I won't do it because I don't ever want to see you in this pain again."
I love him and we are trying for R, but seriously...if me being in pain was going to keep you from cheating, it never would have happened in the first place. Because it somethings need to change in THEM. do you think things have changed in HIM?

And yes. You will be a wreck if he goes.
I am a wreck if he goes down the street to get gas and we have had NC for 3 months.
So ...no. This is not a good situation.

I am sorry for you.
Please do not hold on for the wrong reasons.
I wish you nothing but peace.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 11:20 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it - I will speak to him about this again and really explore it.

The reasons I think he is committed to R:

1) He wishes it had never happened
2) He sees my pain and gets it
3) He doesn't want to lead a duplicitous life
4) He has chosen to be with me and only me
5) The lies were killing him
6) He realises he nearly lost me and he regrets that
7) He is being open and honest
8) He sees the A as a delusion now
9) He realises it wasn't real and that his life with me is real
10) He was looking to fill a hole in himself that cannot be filled by more lies and pain

All of these tell me he is committed and so when he says he can handle it - I want to believe him but I don't want to feel the pain again. So that's why I will tell him he can't go.

The thing is, this situation will come up again - he does a lot of work for this company. maybe I need more time before we do the "test".

Thanks again everyone for being so honest - its REALLY helping me. I want to see the true picture and not the one I want to see.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 418 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, everyone's view is the same! He is doing/saying all the right things, I have done some snooping and will continue to - but I have found nothing. I would be literally blown away if it is still going on.

Yeah, we all sound the same because most of us have been in your shoes.

Like I said previously, R isn't something that happens right after dday.

How is it possible for a WS to be screwing around with their AP...have dday and suddenly the light comes on, they are on their knees begging for forgiveness and telling you how much they love you?

The BS, many times believe it because they have been hit by a bus. They haven't processed what their spouse has actually done to them and are just thankful their WS has seen the errors of their ways.

What the WS is usually doing is running scared, very few of them get it on dday. They are reacting from fear of being caught, losing their home/kids/lives/lovers. They will say anything that makes you believe they are miraculously healed and it made them see what they were going to lose. Heck, in the moment they might even believe it too.

But no, sadly enough it isn't usually the case. They continue to lie and steal pieces of your heart all the while whispering the exact words a BS needs to feel safe...

So if your H is one of the rare ones that got it immediately, good for him. He may have got the fact that he is fucking up his life, but he hasn't addressed why he was willing to do it yet. He needs to learn what in him was so willing to throw away his wife and his life for a piece of ass. When did he lose himself?

That doesn't happen in a day, a week or even a month.

THAT is why we say to wait, R can't be on a table when the legs of that table are still so uneven and wobbly.

You want to offer R, of course you do initially. But there are phases to go through and healing to do on your part. There will be mornings you will wake up loving him and others that you wished him dead for causing you this pain.

Take our collective wisdom here. Take a break and know it's ok to do some healing and work before you decide the path you will take for the rest of your life.

We will stand close by and be here, willing to help you, we will support any decision you make, but we will also let you know when we think you are on a dangerous path.

Let him know he needs to forgo the money and start examining your lives instead. Set up some IC appointments. Take some time.

Actions, not words. The best intentions mean nothing if they are not followed up with actions.

Watch him and see what direction he goes in. If he gets angry about the cancelled trip I would be very concerned. If he isn't, good, let him start to do some work.

Keep us posted...and hugs KatieG, we all know this sucks.

ETA: Sorry I was writing as you posted

1) He wishes it had never happened
2) He sees my pain and gets it
3) He doesn't want to lead a duplicitous life
4) He has chosen to be with me and only me
5) The lies were killing him
6) He realises he nearly lost me and he regrets that
7) He is being open and honest
8) He sees the A as a delusion now
9) He realises it wasn't real and that his life with me is real
10) He was looking to fill a hole in himself that cannot be filled by more lies and pain

I see wishes and thoughts here....again, intentions. He needs to back up his words with actions. (((((hugs)))))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 12:02 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you karma, yes actions not words - totally agree. Its my wishful thinking that gets in the way. xxx


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 418 | Registered: Nov 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason no contact is so important, is because the wayward CAN'T handle it.

I think if you want to have a long term relationship with him, he needs to find a new company to do business with.

When was your dday?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 51
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