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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Please Everyone answer this question !!
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Considering your posts about her telling you she still has an emotional attachment to OM, my guess is she is fighting transparency because she is still in contact with OM. Or, if he does contact her, she wants to make sure you don't know about it.

Complete transparency after an affair is a must. For the rest of the marriage. There is no time limit. This is a necessary consequence to her actions.

She should want to do everything possible to help you feel safe. That she is fighting this is beyond a red flag,IMO.

Also, if I am correct, your WW is a member here on SI,and is posting and reading. If this is true, a keylogger is useless..because if she is in contact with OM..she's been tipped off and will just take it further underground.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has told me I want you to be able to look at my computer or phone anytime, I love you, I have nothing to hide, I want you to feel safe.
I don't believe you can get to a true emotionally and physically intimate relationship until you have transparency and no secrets.
From 'The Seven Levels of Intimacy' by Matthew Kelly, he states "Accountability is wonderful because it is a relational tool that forcefully propels a person along the path toward the-best-version-of-himself or herself." And goes on to say one "reason people don't have great relationships is that they have no accountability in their relationships. They stay out of each others's business, so to speak. Intimacy is about being involved, intimately, with each other's business."
It takes effort and time to get to that point. Keep working on "us".


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is still hiding shit. If she is talking about a connection with the OM then between the two of these flags I'd call a lawyer.

A relationship where a spouse resents any sharing of privacy is not founded on solid ground anyway, IMO.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7347 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. She's hiding things

2. She's still in the A

A wayward spouse even remotely interested in reconciliation will go above and beyond what it takes to help the BS, full transparency included.

A wayward spouse that fights tooth and nail and throws a hissy fit in the name of "privacy" is an entitled foggy nightmare that will inevitably produce another Dday.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has now had since last night to remove any incriminating evidence and also to set up new accounts to take everything underground.

If she refuses to be transparent how will you ever learn to trust her?


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing

THIS ^^^^

Also, by not being transparent, she is placing her 'will' or her perceived right to privacy, over your feelings.

That is not behavior worthy of true healing.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1850 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I think we need to look at transparency as accountability - as someone said before.

Even the best people with the highest standards in the world will 'slack' a little bit at work if not supervised. A report will be a bit late if noone is watching or cares. Noone is perfect.

But for the person who has already crossed boundaries - at the expense of their spouse - accountability is KEY.

And the refusal to give transparency speaks volumes.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:48 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1850 | Registered: Apr 2012
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is hiding something. She is not to be trusted. She seeks to keep control by keeping information to herself.

Once she realizes you are serious about not accepting the crumbs she's giving you, she will probably attempt (if she hasn't already done it) to clean out the information she doesn't want you to have.

She is showing you what's most important to her, and that isn't you.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
chasinglove
♀ New Member
Member # 41417
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently asked mine for the passwords to his accts, he's been extremely open in R and said he had nothing to hide but still didn't offer them up, so I let it go, gave him space and time and just waited.
He provided it a couple of days later - I don't think he's having another A but I think he needed to go back in time and delete anything that might give me a trigger.
I have the passwords but I haven't felt the need to check his accts, just wanted him to be 100% open.


Me: 31
Him: 37
Together for 14 years.
DD: 04/30/2013
OW: colleague from previous job he'd been having an A with for 4 years, and a couple of others from school he slept with prior to that. He ended A in front of me at my request, trying R and MC.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Leafan1976
♂ New Member
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get everything you are all saying. I am confident the A is long over. But I need to know she hasn't reached out to him

Her biggest point is that I shouldn't have the right to see/read everything she says to her best friends. That she wants/needs to be able to vent to them freely.


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Vent about what? You? the marriage? What is she mad about?

If she has a problem then she needs to be an adult and talk to YOU..not her friends.


Are these friends of the marriage? If so, and she is venting to them about you, she isn't being very fair to those friends. if they are also your friends, she is putting them in the middle. Did any of them know about the affair..and not tell you? if so, they need to go. they are not your friends,nor are they friends of your marriage.

Full transparency..no excuses.

There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. In a marriage, you should have access to everything.

MY WH is fully transparent. If he gets an off text,or a call from someone whose number he doesn't recognize, he shows me right away..he WANTS me to feel secure.

It doesn't matter what her reasons are..she chose to cheat..the consequences of that, if she wants to R, is full transparency. Period.

Ok..the affair is over...and you're sure. Yet she has an emotional attachment to him? Even knowing that he affair shattered her husband? Even knowing that you are still in pain?

It seems odd that she loves you..but 3 years later,is still attached to OM. She should feel disgust...or,preferably, indifference. Anything more and that is a problem.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:23 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She fought it..... Still don't have it.

She's hiding something. It could be affair related, or she's trash-talking you to others, or something else she doesn't want you to see. Sorry man, but there's no way to sugarcoat this.

Consider a hard 180.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anything she shows you now from that account is worthless. She has had time to delete anything that might look bad.

Keylogger. Get the password yourself and monitor the account without her knowing.

BUT even if you do that she may know that you are on to her regarding THAT account and create a new one you wont know about.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3351 | Registered: Sep 2007
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her biggest point is that I shouldn't have the right to see/read everything she says to her best friends. That she wants/needs to be able to vent to them freely.
I am a firm believer in a WS having a safe place to vent without fear of repercussion. But the WS and BS need to be in agreement on where that source is. Journal, SI, one or two trusted friends of the marriage, (not just the individual) IC. A WS needs a safe place to vent things out. We do have feelings and crap to work thru.

However, her argument sends up a red flag or 10. What is she venting about? Why? What is she saying about you? Is she painting you in an unfair, completely biased light?

Having these conversations with other people and not you does not equal R. It's keeping other people in your relationship. She's keeping part of herself from you. Not cool Bro.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Vent about what? You? the marriage? What is she mad about?
If she has a problem then she needs to be an adult and talk to YOU..not her friends.

That's what I see. She doesn't see you as a partner she can trust. You are not on her team. You are an interloper with no right to invade her privacy.

The fact that she doesn't have the maturity to be open and honest with you about her thoughts and feelings -- even when she is mad -- is a bigger a red flag about her, than just talking to someone behind your back.

This is not mandatory for you to heal, but it's mandatory for your M to heal, and likely needed for your WS to heal too.


Growing forward

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Sep 2011
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is utterly disrespectful to vent about our spouses to outside parties. This is part of learning about healthy boundaries. Your wife has none. In R, you need to turn toward one another, not away.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6298 | Registered: Jan 2011
Leafan1976
♂ New Member
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow !!! Very strong feelings with this one here.

Something you all should know is that I have never been one to open up and communicate my feelings either. I understand the need to have a shoulder to lean on. The people she turns to are her friends YES, but really she should not be entitled to have friends now ?? How is that healthy.??

She screwed up.. Yes.
But asking her to give up everything in her life that is not me. That is very selfish..... And not something I would ask.

If she did that. It would totally change her. She wouldn't be happy. She wouldn't be the woman I fell in love with. She cares deeply for her friends. She is not the cold hearted bitch you all paint her as.


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to answer again as a former WS.
There is no privacy in my marriage. What would be the purpose?

I question other's need to have it. Why?
Venting to her friends about something she doesn't want you to see means keeping secrets. Not sure how this can help in a marriage recovering from an A.

Again ask yourself for what purpose? Why does her need for privacy trump YOUR need for transparency? Her life may become unhappy? Horrors! - welcome to cheaterland - where things change permanently or else.

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:17 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4473 | Registered: Dec 2010
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another WS opinion here. Phones, computers, social media should be transparent. IC and journal should be private IF it is for the purpose of healing the dysfunction and not for the purpose of mooning over the OM.

Just my opinion.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
chasinglove
♀ New Member
Member # 41417
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Leafan1976)))

Agreed, asking someone to give everything up changes them, there has to be a limit and boundaries set.
Even though my husband has his issues and made his mistakes I still want him to be his own person, he still needs his own personal space. It is true that we're still at a point of trying to repair and regain that trust and therefore transparency is needed but they still need to have their own lives.


Me: 31
Him: 37
Together for 14 years.
DD: 04/30/2013
OW: colleague from previous job he'd been having an A with for 4 years, and a couple of others from school he slept with prior to that. He ended A in front of me at my request, trying R and MC.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 88
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