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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Please Everyone answer this question !!
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too much to read but I can say that the path to healing did not appear until he gave up and became totally transparent. When he gave up the need to hide, he became more open to healing our marriage.

It was/is a way to prove trustability, each time you see they are behaving, its another step closer to unity. Each time you see they are keeping their word, its another step. As they earn their way back, the need to snoop lessens. It takes time and consistency on their part but if reconciliation is what they truly want, they will do anything to get it.

At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why she still has access to her accounts!

I took my WH laptop away from him, and deleted his accounts myself. he no longer has access to the internet, and if he needs mine, he will only go on it when I am at home.

She is hiding something!

Otherwise she would hand over no problem!

Me & Hubby = aged 46
Together 16 years
Married 9 years
He had 1 yr EA in chat room then 6mths EA phone/texting with same woman.
Cyber sexed with many OW in chat room for at least 1 year.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time I realize that since the A.... Fuck even during and before the A... The majority if problems start with my lack of communication.

And there are PLENTY of ways for your WW to respond to that problem that do NOT involve betraying you, including MC, reading books so that she might be able to understand better, start a new activity/hobby together with you, tell you that she can't continue in your M the way that it is and (together) get help to change/improve it or she wants S/D, .....

If you are out of money, do you go rob a bank? No, you seek another, HEALTHIER solution to the problem (cut expenses, take another job, sell things, borrow/take out a loan, etc).

Your lack of communication DID NOT CAUSE HER A.

If that's something you would like to fix in you, then by all means do so. It's a good relationship skill to have and perhaps ALL of your relationships will improve (not just your M). But don't accept any - ANY - responsibility for her decision to cheat. That's nothing to do with you, or even your M (you were in the same M and didn't cheat, right??), it's in her UNHEALTHY RESPONSE to her dissatisfaction.

And yeah, she should be transparent. But you knew that already.

Sending you strength.


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Open access is needed. If she has the "privacy" issues journaling etc. She can use another medium if needed. I have all of the passwords and accounts my FWH has. I caught him with his secret email account because the history log showed which account he had signed in. I have checked periodically since then...but there is nothing. As Baxter BFF said earlier, my FWH isn't tied to his computer/phone like he was during his A. I still get triggery at times and need to check.

If she wants to R, she will step up to the plate. Obviously if it has been 3 years, something has occurred to make you request now. She can step up to the plate or call the game over. She made the decision to have the A...this is the consequences. My FWH has access to my computer and phone. While I have done nothing, I do believe that we both have a right to open access. I don't like when he is in my computer, but I know I have nothing to hide. But I do believe it is healthier for the marriage for us both to be on equal terms.

Stand firm and make your decisions. Take care of yourself.

Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♂ New Member
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to thank you all again. It is helpful to have the advice. Even if I choose not to take it all. We sat down.... After a blow up by yours truly.... And have come to an understanding. I will be given access as requested. I will allow her a place to write in her phone. We both only use our phones these days. So I understand that she does a lot of her writing in a note pad app. To be honest. So do I.

I came to a big realization. Our entire M I have been such a hard person for her to come to, and talk. Many times throwing her betrayal in her face to avoid the other issue at hand. I need to learn how to communicate. Something I have never been good at. I honestly get tight chested and shaky when faced with a confrontational situation. This is a HUGE hurdle we need to jump.

Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she serious? I am sorry but she is taking you for a fool by expecting you to allow her to hide anything!
Her prize for being a dishonest spouse = loss of any and all privacy.
Tell her to hand over access to all her accounts or pack her crap and get out.
A remorseful WS would never deny you access. She is NOT remorseful. She is selfish, calculating, insensitive, and mean. Who needs that?

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter what the length of time you should have full access to any and all accounts, passwords and social media.

Neither you nor your wife dealt with it properly 3 years ago or you would be much further along. Even if I hadn't cheated, was the perfect husband, showed my wife on a daily basis that I loved her more than life itself and she wanted my passwords and full access, she would have it.

A marriage is built on love and trust. Trust that the person you are married to would not hurt you, has you in mind in everything they do and outwardly it shows they are married and committed.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 35902
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think open access is required. I started by writing down all MY accounts usernames and passwords and gave it to him. I told him he could look at anything at any time. I asked him to do the same. I have all the PW's now and if he starts a new account he always uses one of 3 PW's so even if he forgets to tell me about a new account I can easily figure it out. If he failed to do that and I tried to look at an account we'd be having a conversation. Honesty has been a big issue for me and I need the ability to confirm for my self.

Me: 33 mother to 2 girls
Him: 1 PA and 2 EA
Us: together 9 years married 5 years. Trying to work through this.
I refuse to commemorate D-Day

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 88
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