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User Topic: Omg, ws is creepy! How to deal?
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I left him in January but we have a business together. Work together daily etc.

Today a girl, a tenant of ours, called to tell me she doesn't want to deal with ws, only me. I thought it was because I am a softie and he's a hardass but, NO. It's because he creeps her out. She told me the story about how he came to fix something shortly after we split up and sat down on her couch and said could he ask her a question. He asked If her boobs were real and how big are they?! OMG. I'm sick about this. I'm humiliated all ofer again and embarrassed and just sick about this. She dated his son for like 6 months a couple years ago, too. His youngest son. This girl is 25 and ws is 52. She is uncomfortable around him. He was angling to get her in bed. She isn't the most conservative of women and he must have thought she'd fall right in bed with him. Oh God.

I have heard snippets of the same kind of thing for years. He was diagnosed SA and I thought those things ended. Years ago.

His secretary years ago accused him of creepy behavior like cornering her at the copy machine and trying to feel her boobs. He drives by old girlfriends houses to try to run into them and make it look random. Some of tho cheating happened that way.

This information was double edged. On one hand I; glad to be away from him on the other hand I am open to he humiliated from now on. Forever.

At my dd's reception I saw him trying to 'get with' a family member of mine -distant. I told him there are plenty of women around and to keep it out of my back yard.

His SA is escalating again, I think. I find myself thinking of all the people I know and wondering who he's had contact with isn the recent past. It feels like hell again. Like a different kind of dday

Do I confront him? It prob woulnt do any good would it?


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wont do any good to confront him.
I suggest getting your ducks in a row to protect yourself financially.

If he is escalating, it seems like it will only be a matter of time before someone lodges a complaint against him LEGALLY. That can/will hae an effect on your business and you if you're still tied to him.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6354 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no - that's so aggressive and awful. I'm sorry hardtimes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that shit.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6663 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I would confront him, but I would try to expedite the divorce and get out of that business with him. There is only one way that is going to end and that's badly.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no divorce. Never legally married. Just a business and lots of rental property. I don't even know how to split that business up besides selling which defeats all the work put into it the past 10 years. The value is the future rents and the passive income.

I haven't even considered the legal angle of someone bringing charges against him. Oh God. I just want to cry and I feel so alone.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I understand that humiliation - for the year of the A, my H flirted with EVERY woman he came across. The drive-thru, the bank, the grocery store, on the street corner. And he was creepy about it - like, sleezy flirting. He actually went back to a few places and apologized to some of the women, because he realized how inappropriate he was and how uncomfortable he had made them. We had to move from our city, because I literally couldn't go anywhere without feeling humiliated. It's awful.

I do think you should confront him, if you own a business together and are working together. If there is a chance that his behavior is going to cause harm to your business - if he is going to get charged with sexual harassment, which it sounds like is a real possibility. Deal with it matter-of-factly, the way you would deal with it if he weren't your XH and a tenant came and complained about the behavior of one of your staff. Perhaps sign him up for a class on Sexual Harassment in the Workplace. It is against the law.

Aside from that, I think you should leave him to himself, and let him discover all on his own how creepy he is on his own time. You don't have anything to be ashamed of - you do not choose his behavior.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2013
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, you need to keep yourself safe from it. What he's not doing is 'being creepy'. He's sexually harassing one employee and the other one he sexually assaulted. Eventually at some point someone is going to stand up and he will be facing serious legal issues because of that. If you're complicit in it by knowing it's happening but not protecting your employees from it then you can be in trouble too.

So I'd suggest some quick research on that subject - I'm not sure where all the legalities are there. I'd also be leery of being in business with him as he has the ability to do a lot of damage.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to talk to a lawyer. Then you need to prepare to possibly be witness to sexual harrassment case.

Then, i would start getting out of the partnership if possible. He will drag you down with him if you are connected to him.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Sep 2012
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is business.

YES you confront him and pronto.

Document your discussion. Be firm and make sure he totally gets it that his behavior isn't just inappropriate it's illegal and will not be tolerated within your partnership.

If you have a business attorney you work with, put him on notice as well. Screw the embarrassment - this could end up costing you much more in the long run if it's not dealt with right away.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ajsmom has a good point with regard confronting your XWSO, from a business standpoint. In my first post, I was thinking of the confrontation from a personal relationship standpoint.

Please DO see an attorney and protect yourself.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6354 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once my WH told a female friend of ours, who is married, that he could help her get pregnant... "If ya wanna get knocked up, I can hook you up!" He doesn't remember saying it. But he did so in front of me and her husband and a kitchen full of other friends. I literally think he was not in a place pf reality... But he recently told me, that up until a couple of weeks ago, he thought about what it would be like to sleep with every woman he encountered... Even the ugly and gross women ( as he put it...)


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ajsmom has a good point with regard confronting your XWSO, from a business standpoint. In my first post, I was thinking of the confrontation from a personal relationship standpoint.
Please DO see an attorney and protect yourself.

Same.

Please see an attorney about finding a way to split the business or buy him out. Or sell him your share. Something. I'm sorry, I would really think long term here. He is not a safe place to invest your financial stability.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I want to thank you all for taking the time to post. I feel so dirty. I can't believe I was with "that" guy. I always had inklings but didn't' trust myself to fully believe it. I thought we had it all. I finally gave up and left. It has been a hard decision to reach.

This business is my retirement plan. It's been in the works for many years and I've put so much time, labor and money into it. It's like putting money in a savings account that will earn high interest but only if you keep it for enough years without disturbing it. I can't carry it alone, either. I'm going to try to protect myself legally, see if the liability coverage will protect against any harassment charge and try to keep things status quo if possible. I am also going to confront on a business level.

I just feel dirty. And sad.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Assuming that WS will cross a line with a tenant and get the crap beat out of him, make sure you are insured and protected against the fallout to your business.

I helped a friend with a similar problem that his niece was having. 50-year olds don't run quite as fast as they like to remember they could once upon a time.


Posts: 196 | Registered: Sep 2013
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That business isn't going to be worth squat when one of your employees files a sexual harassment suit against your partner. My xMIL just went through this. FIL is also a dirty old man and extremely inappropriate with women.

An employee filed against them and they spent a shit ton of money in legal fees. It prompted MIL to file for divorce-- she just couldn't be *that* woman anymore either. It's humiliating, disgusting, wrong.

But you need to get real here... Real quick. This could financially destroy you.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3542 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, thanks for the reality check.
I am emailing with my insurance company and should get confirmation that this type of thing is covered by Monday.

We don't have employees in this business - his secretary was working for his other company and the allegations came out right around dday 1. They were so small in comparison to the monumental information on dday that I pushed it to the back of my mind.

I ignored so many signs. I feel like such an idiot. How did I not see this? Well, I saw it but I made excuses for him. He was diagnosed SA and pretended to get help. He was, is, really good at looking and acting normal. He's good at blaming the victims. He believes himself to have an abnormally high sex drive
I'm alternating between crying and shaking and hating myself for staying as long as I did.

I am so grateful to have my SI family to help me through this. thanks so much to all of you


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am open to he humiliated from now on. Forever.

No. You aren't.
HE is the *creepy* creeper and his behavior is NO reflection on you. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

Right now you are business partners and that is all, so you need to treat it as such. His behavior is causing *trouble* in the business....he needs to be spoken to about it because you are receiving complaints and his behavior is opening you up to liability.

However, since he is an SA, your *speaking* to him is not going to make him act differently and it may even make him *ramp it up*.....so you would be very well-served to spend the money for a L consult and let the L advise you about the best way to handle this situation. Insurance coverage, a buy-out, whatever.....just find out the best way to protect yourself and your investment.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Gonnabe, can you come down here and just be me for a while? And Leopold can come too, and scare the shit out of this creepy creeper. And everyone from this thread can come down here and we'll have an ass kicking party. It's warmish and sunny here.

And I really thought I had my life and my shit together. I want to wake up and think "shit, that was a bad dream."


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me and Leo wouldn't make a good team because he would be too busy keeping an eye on me to see if I was humping inanimate objects.....since that's just *what women do*, right Leo?

HT, you don't need me to be you. You've *got* this. Just put your nose to the grindstone for a little while and then you can be *drama-free*. Although there ARE quite a few much more capable people here that I would love to hand *my* shit off to so *I* didn't have to deal with it......that really would be awesome, wouldn't it?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Gonnabe said!

And - really, the Lawyer is the only way to go. Maybe he can put you at ease...

See, what worries me is, if you knew about any of this and you own these places together and he has access and he fixes things and then something happens and a woman complains...I don't know at what risk you are putting your financial future in. It seems that you can file/sue for so much today. You wouldn't be guilty, but really good lawyers may be able to get a settlement out of you, I don't know. I hope the lawyer you seek will know what the law is. There are good and bad ones and the bad ones can cost you a boat load of money or your entire savings with the wrong advice....


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 21
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