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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Doing just enough...ain't enough
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reisling gravy
Interesting. I'm doing a giblet gravy, but I felt jipped because all that was in the cavity was the neck. It'll work, but I am a little miffed of being shorted the heart, liver, and gizzard. Just won't be the same. Butterball probably is selling them to be chopped up into something like pet food. Of course, I do use wine in my gravy, usually a dry red. Depends on what I'm drinking at the time

For laughs, do the F&G stunt. Stuff one with a cornish hen and then when you are carving it scream "I cooked a pregnant one!".


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4072 | Registered: Dec 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mean to sound patronizing....but you checked the neck cavity for the juicy bits right? Sometimes the neck is in the main cavity and the rest in the neck cavity.

Eta. Love the pregnant bird. Bunch of savages over there in fun and games.

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 5:20 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1304 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. When you are 22 and cooking your first turkey, people should tell you they put stuff in the neck.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6628 | Registered: Jan 2011
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that SDW.
(((SDW)))
I feel like JRazz, 90% of the time same thoughts swirling in my head, young baby, and over two years out like you.
The good question someone asked was what have they done on their own (without you having to ask or 'force' things)? Practically nothing. Travel can only excuse so much. I am worth more. You are worth more. Sucky as it is, if she's not coming around I'm glad you're not settling for a marriage of crumbs...
Enjoy that bird and wine!


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 181 | Registered: May 2011
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So very sorry you are here. It's a crappy place to be, especially today. Sadly I fear I will be here next year as well. I guess knowing that's a probability will help me work on me and hopefully avoid some of the wasted time feelings.

Take care of you today!


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SuperDuperWonderboy

I'm so sorry to hear this honey. I have read many of your posts and have great admiration for you.

You are a man of integrity who gave his best.

My thoughts:

In this world there are triers and quitters. Those of us (both BSs and WSs) who look for solutions, for answers, keep working, keep doing all we can, keep hoping and stay with partners are the triers.

Sadly, for far too many of us, our FWSs are the quitters who do a half-hearted effort at R. They do only what is required. They don't take any initiative. They sit back and are reactive in the R process. Not proactive.

Don't ever put yourself in the quitter category. NEVER. YOU were proactive, you gave it your all and she gave the minimum.

You should feel no shame and no guilt in recognising when you are alone in the battle.

In recent weeks I have come to realise I am in the position you are in now. With a FWS who is doing the minimum.

I envy you your courage.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 58Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2757 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we see small efforts from our waywards and we cling to the hope that this is the start of real change. Small efforts and doing the minimum was enough to keep the hope alive in me for two years. But it wasn't enough to save the marriage. Instead it wasted two years of my life.

Substitute 5 years for your 2 years and this is me word for word.....and I STILL don't have the strength to move on

You are right - not possible to R with a 'just enough' WS. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED.

Sending you strength for this difficult time.

((((SDWB))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am seeing my wife for who she is. She's a good mother (except for the fact that destroyed her kid's family--and except for the fact that she never fought to save her family). But she is weak, oh so weak.

I could have written your post word for word. The part I highlighted above is especially true for my XWW. She is a good mother as far as being able to entertain our kids and provide affection. As far as being able to impart values, morals, integrity, or strength of character - she is utterly worthless. She is truly the weakest person I know. She will never deviate from the path of least resistance.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess, the realization that after two years...she hadn't done a darn thing that I hadn't forced her to.
That just sums it up imho.

Sorry you're here, but from where I sit you really tried. I remember when you at the point of filing. If that wasn't a wake-up call I don't know what would have been.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4065 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I'm at nine months and feeling like I'm walking down the same path. (minus the children)

Thank you for the post. It helps me understand my own situation.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind words all. As always I appreciate and cherish your company down this trail of crap.

Hope you all had a nice holiday, and wishing you strength through the rest of this holiday season.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1304 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first foray into this forum. My DDay was Oct 19, 2013. I can honestly say that if things don't change with my WH this will be my post in the future. I have a lot of respect for you for trying for 2 years, I'm not sure I will have the fortitude for that. ((SuperDuperWonderboy)) Your children have an AMAZING dad!!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SDWB, sorry to hear this, have read your story for a long time mat many turns, it seemed your ww did just enough to keep you engaged and hopeful. Take care of yourself and kids. Do what you need to do to keep from wasting an more time.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry, SDWB.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So now it is my fault for choosing to divorce.

It was only 7 months into some kind of crazy half ass reconciliation for me, but this is what I am feeling too.
My D is now final and I am trying to move on.
XWS is still in contact with OW, and I have taken to driving past her apartment. She only lives a few blocks away (small town).
And whenever I see his car there I remember that it was HIM who was not strong enough. I did everything, and more than most, to save my marriage.
Sometimes I go through old FB posts, or old text messages, or just sit and remember some of the things he said during this entire thing, to remind myself that I was the sane one, he was the cheater.
You don't have to carry her. You don't have to carry the marriage.
You were released from your marriage contract when she took her affections and attention elsewhere.
Your choice to reconcile was a gift that she did not receive.
It is ok.
It is ok.
It is ok.
(((((hugs))))))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if she had fought, her betrayal may have still been a deal-breaker. But I'll never now, because I never got the fight. I don't think it would have been a deal breaker. But who knows.
I could only settle for "just enough" for two years. Now I am done.

But for many of us slogging through this mess, we see small efforts from our waywards and we cling to the hope that this is the start of real change. Small efforts and doing the minimum was enough to keep the hope alive in me for two years. But it wasn't enough to save the marriage. Instead it wasted two years of my life.

Of course my wife feels like she's done everything she was capable of to fix the marriage (it is possible that this minimal effort was, in fact, all she was capable of). So now it is my fault for choosing to divorce.

I am so sorry WB, so sorry she couldn't find the strength to step up.

The feeling that somehow I am the bad guy here is in my consciousness. I know that ultimately it her actions that killed the marriage, but I still retain some guilt over my decision. And that is the worst part.

Knowing how faulty that thinking is barely makes a dent in the guilt I feel every time I consider doing just what you are...logic plays a very small part some times.

If your W is anything like my H, they can be experts at knowing just when/what/and how much false hope to give to keep us around; it's cruel. Realizing that he could be such an amazing father and husband if it weren't for his inability to work on this, is the biggest heartbreak of my life. Like Skan said: The new building could have been glorious! This, the false hope, and my own sense of responsibility and guilt have stopped me from leaving for SIX years

Your effort was not in vain! As hard as the last 2 years have been, it was a process you had to go through to get to where you are.

Shattered-Heart is absolutely correct here

I am worth more. You are worth more. Sucky as it is, if she's not coming around I'm glad you're not settling for a marriage of crumbs...

We are ALL worth more than a marriage of crumbs!

(((SuperDuperWonderboy)))



Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SDWB))

I just back from vacay and wanted to drop you a little note. I hope you take some time to be kind to yourself today.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderboy.......

I remember you early in your journey and the months that followed.....I even commented at one point that you can't FORCE reconcillaition on anyone....which I felt you were doing....Your posts and signiture.....esp. the fully reconcilled did not jive with your actual posts.....you wanted to speedboat through it to get to a supposed finish line (recon).....

I am very happy you looked it in the face....and came to the conclusion that you have. No one deserves this....

this isn't a post meant as disrespect.....this is a post saying.....Welcome back.....and welcome to your new life....


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SDW,

I never venture into this forum from S/D (my own issues), but your thread caught my eye. I'm sorry you endured what you have for so long. You hung in for a year longer than I did waiting for "it."

You fought the good fight, man, for all the right reasons--as did I: keep your family together, and hope, hope, hope. Maybe light would dawn, an epiphany would burst forth, and true remorse would arrive. Alas for both of us. It was not to be. These are broken, weak people--"so, so weak" as you aptly put it.

Keep moving forward. You are a strong good man.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1674 | Registered: Dec 2012
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, I'd like to say I saw this coming, but really, I'm pretty damn shocked dude. I opened up this post and had to do a triple check when I saw you were the OP. Didn't you just relocate?

I'm really sorry for this outcome. You did your best. It does take two.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6017 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Topic Posts: 48
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