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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Doing just enough...ain't enough
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Typing from iPhone.

Thanks all. Yup, we just relocated to everett, wa....and joy of all joys I am surrounded by her family. It's fine though, the kids will have lots of cousins here, so that will help. Plus, I am from a nearby community so I can find some of my old cronies to hang out with.

I really tried with just-enough-jnrpa. But alas it was not to be. She asked me if this is really what I wanted. The kicker of the answer is no...I never wanted a divorce or any of this. What I wanted is irrelevant now. Is this what I feel that I need to find peace and move forward...absolutely....but no, divorce was never anything that I wanted.

I don't know...in the end, I don't think she is capable of changing...mainly because I don't believe she will ever make the decision to actually try. Meh. Sitting in a dentist office right now waiting for the kid to get a cavity filled. Running out of juice.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really sorry SDW.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6152 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Question  Posted: 1:35 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a year into R and I feel like my WS is doing the bare minimum. He's practically expressed that I can take it or leave it. My answer after much thought was leave. Now he has just started IC today. I feel like he would never have done it on his own without my demanding it for an entire year. How can I read your story and old threads to learn more about what your WS did or did not do in the R process? My daughter will be 2 in feb and us rather get a divorce while she is still fairly young and will hopefully experience less distress than waiting another couple of years.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
confetticheck
♂ New Member
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SDW,

Please know that you have not been wasting your time. A chance at keeping a family together is worth it.

I am so sorry that she has not stepped up to the plate for you. It is disgraceful.

Many hugs to you. You have reached the breaking point and I don't blame you.

Be kind to yourself.

xo

hfm


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to hear this, wb... I was following you and jnrpa when I first joined, as your story really resonated with me. I sincerely hope you find peace with this decision.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear this. I agree with the others, at some point it just becomes that the minimum is not sustainable long term.

I posted in D/S the message my STBXH wrote me the other day, I think likely similar to your WW, this is part of the message.

"....I'm sorry, I would have given anything to change it. I wanted more than anything to be there for you especially after everything, but it just doesn't work for me. I can't pretend something is that isn't. ... You deserved much more than you ever got from me. ... I'm trying to do the best I can for you now..."

Really, it's not that my STBXH is terrible, he simply cannot do heavy lifting. I don't think he's capable of it emotionally. He'd proclaim he loved me and wanted a life with me, but then would do 50%-75% and I'd have hope (after I repeatedly told him what to do) but it would never be finalized. And he wouldn't even understand why it wasn't 100%, as it was enough in his mind. Then I'd question if I was off base and expecting too much.
I am just realizing now that my entire relationship with him was rooted in my hope that he'd finally see what I thought he could be, if he just tried a slight bit more. And as long as I carried us, didn't ask for much, and convinced myself to lower my own expectations, then things were okay. After 10 years in the relationship, my expectations were at ground level, and I didn't even notice until the A bomb exploded and people started asking me why I felt it was okay to be last in my own life (and I had no answer).

I know how you feel about not wanting the divorce but needing it for peace to move forward. That's where I am still, at nearly the 2 year mark.

I hope this brings you peace in the future. My best wishes for you and your children.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB,

Just had to crawl out from lurking long enough to tell you how sorry I am to hear this. Take care of you, and great big hugs to your littles.


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 789 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stumbled across this thread

Sorry it's come to this. You really did try hard, we all know that. Hope she doesn't make the divorce any worse than it needs to be.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Topic Posts: 48
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