The one time I confronted him about a hook-up site he said, "I never went in there - those are computer popups." Doesn't make sense, because our computers filter out ALL popups. And if that were the case, there would be millions of popup files in the same hard drive. Not there. I KNOW he is lying about this and will continue to do so. I need something more solid.
Once I have a photo, I'll move forward into whatever level of hell awaits next. I don't want to spend months/years monitoring his every move. This is too exhausting and soul-sucking. I can't let him know I'm doing keylogging before he leaves - that would give me away. I see the PI in the destination city as my only option to get this whole mess (the information gathering) over with quickly.
[This message edited by anewday78 at 12:00 PM, November 29th (Friday)]
That shimmer you see... that "out of character" thing.... one of the biggest give-aways you can get. The next one being when things just don't make sense, don't add up. It's crazy making.
At the very least, you have the mixed blessing of knowing you will have the knowledge you need to make decisions for yourself very soon.
A picture tells a thousand words, cannot be lied or denied. Internet history can be fudged in so many ways, there's private browsing, clearing the history.... but you can't lie your way out of a PI with a camera.
If your WS has history going back ten years, then he's done far more than just "look". The common garden cheater needs more stimulation, a higher high, a bigger thrill, as time passes. The game gets boring quickly unless there's an increased risk.
If he's had the opportunity (travel alone), the time (trips away) and the money, you can rest assured, he's needed to feed his addiction with higher risk activity.
Please, do three things for me, get the best PI you can (hang the expense), get tested for STD's immediately, and visit as many of the top divorce lawyers as you can while he's gone. Knowledge is power, and right now you know much more than he does, don't let it stop there.
When trust leaves the M, I can't imagine getting it back.
Honey, trust has already left your marriage. Take care of yourself now.
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
He sounds like a serial cheater. Yes, check CC records and cash withdrawals.
STD testing is a must right now. Ask to be tested for EVERYTHING. Swab, urine, and blood. Make it clear to the doctor what you suspect. Find a reason to avoid sex with him again until you get a more definitive answer.
Have you had unexplained yeast infections? Vaginal itching? Anything at all?
[This message edited by EasyDoesIt at 9:17 PM, November 29th (Friday)]
You probably can't use the information you get from one in court, but you can sure as hell use it to set up a trap. And it's probably legal to use it on a computer that you use in your home as long as it isn't registered to his work. If you get caught, say you must have been hacked. Buy it with a pre-paid VISA or something. Some of them have a 7 day free trial and the one I used to use was totally stealth. You had to REALLY know your stuff to find it.
A keylogger eliminated the question marks from my life. The answers to the questions sucked, but at least they were answers.
visit as many of the top divorce lawyers as you can while he's gone
This, because then HE can't use them.
or I'm a paranoid, crazy, insecure, middle-aged wife?!!!
Welcome to the crowd.
I am so sorry you are here with all of us.
You have good reason that all of your alarm bells are going off.
Please follow all of the advice that you have already been given above to protect yourself.
We know how you feel, & have your back.
I was married to a man that did the same…he met people when he travelled for his job. Not people, men. He met men. I found similar things on the computer and explained them away. I found gay bars he was googling at the cities he was going to. He explained it away. He would rush me off the phone, or be very vague when he was traveling. It wasn't until one of the AP's (Affair Partners) found me and sent me physical proof of the affair that I really "got it".
Oh, I remember finding photos of gay porn on the computer, and ex told me it was "a bug attached to a joke someone sent."
If you live in a fault state, having proof will help you…if nothing else, it can help you in negotiations. I'm in a fault state. I didn't file fault, but I used the information to negotiate a very good settlement.
Hang in there.
I go back and look at the times he's been out of town and find that almost every time he uses the online dating sites - like adult friend finder, justbang, fuckbook.net ("THE place for discreet extramarital affairs"), okcupid, truecheater,com, getiton - it always corresponds to when he is preparing to leave town.
A couple of weeks ago I just happened to be out around the time he comes home from work and saw him approaching the neighborhood from the opposite direction than he normally would come from the office. When I asked where he was coming from he told me I was mistaken, he was on his usual route home.
I hope you're able to find all the proof you need of his next hookup on this upcoming trip. Sounds as though he's been using his business trips for YEARS to get himself some side action any way he can scrounge it up while you're home keeping the homefires burning. But apparantly, he's no longer waiting to go away to misbehave because coming from the wrong side of the street - and then blatantly lying about it - makes it obvious he was up to no good that day.
You've got a serial cheater on your hands. I'm so sorry, SideBlinded.
NeverAgain - about that gaslighting incident. I'm embarrassed to say that his response was so quick and convincing I just clammed up. I was stunned. Didn't know how to respond - I just shut down and had to process what just transpired. Yes, it was incredibly arrogant, and I'm sorry to say, that is NOT out of character. To read your take on my husband and have you describe him in a single word - arrogant - you are very perceptive. It's amazing what a "fresh pair of eyes" can bring to a situation.
I COULD have nailed his ass to the wall since I am in a fault state, I had everything. Confession, photos, FB chats, emails, I got to read everything because the AP sent it all to me. He would have testified and told me so. (My ex told him he was divorced…yeah…he wasn't.)
What I did instead was to go the mediation route and used the information to negotiate a great settlement. Normally, in my state, if the two parties can agree to a settlement, the courts rarely question the agreement. Something to discuss with your attorney.
For me, I clearly remember sitting there on our sofa and needed to look up something. Ex was sitting there on his laptop and I asked to see it real quick. He handed it over. I went to Google and typed in the first letter…and it showed his search history. I played cool, clicked on the gay bar's website. Noticed where it was located, then closed it and handed the computer back to him like I didn't see a thing. I then looked at a calendar and could see that it was the city he had just returned from. I confronted him, but I was 18 weeks pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. I remember him saying, "I was just curious. I just sat there and looked around."
I NEEDED to not process in order to get the baby here and healthy. But, in my head I thought, "You need to leave this man". I did go into stealth mode, but he had everything locked. His phone, his blackberry, his computer. Because of his work, patient confidentiality is paramount…so he hid behind "I can't show you my phone/computer/anything because of patient confidentiality". I didn't push it. If I questioned him, he called me crazy and turned everything back to me. I was crazy, controlling, fat, dumb, I could go on.
But, the same personality that is shared with most WS's. Egotistical. Self centered. Pillar of the community. Active in church. Everyone loves my ex, holds a high position, has a PhD. By all appearances, a great guy.
He led two complete lives. Cute wife and kids, big house…then when he travelled he led his second life complete with gay sex, hidden bank accounts, travel companions... just two different lives.
PM me if you want more information.
Hang in there.
Click on the "index card" and select "send Private Message".
can you walk me through how to initiate a PM? I'm still a newbie on this site (3 days).
We are trying to work things out at least for now. My husband is in treatment for SA, going to therapy with a CSAT and also IC with a psychiatrist. Also MC with me. Things are better for both of us but he has a long way to go (and acknowledges it). Yes, it is very hard to accept that you are trying to work things out with a cheater. They certainly don't deserve this gift! But it's in your best interest and that of your dc to see what kind of man he really is. I don't know if my SAWH would have pursued therapy/treatment on his own. It's not black/white, on/off. There are people and feelings involved. As bad as it is to be lied to, it's not like you stop loving the liar.
When you don't know what to do (divorce, separate, etc.) don't do anything. Take some time to really think this through. Don't divorce as a knee jerk reaction. If you leave now because you are angry you will take that anger with you. That is not in your best interest. Also, it's worth examining - with an IC - how you got here. Not saying you are co-dependent and deserve this or are partly to blame. I am just saying there are things about our childhoods that allowed us to allow ourselves to put up with being treated like this in our marriages. Some things to consider.