Things have been very t
I know that this is hard and it must be that much harder being pregnant and working. I am not saying that your husband not helping you out with family, kids and the house is right but it's normal and gently...what do you expect? I have actually heard the same thing said to me by my BS. She use to read books and actually try to be a better wife and what did it get her. Yes we have five wonderful kids but honestly how could we not expect us having an affair would make them feel any different? He is hurt and he wants to work on making your marriage work and if that's what you want also that's wonderful news. But if you decide you are in this is going to be done on his terms it has too. Try to remember that him saying he's in doesn't mean he knows how to do it either and he is trying to deal with so much pain and betrayal....being distant at times is pretty understandable right? And your AP is the father of one of your kids and your AP is always going to be around he doesn't even get the comfort of NC... That has to be horrible for him right now. I'm not trying to beat you up please don't take this that way. Maybe ask a friend or family member if you can lean on them for some extra help for a little while.
[This message edited by harrypotter at 5:01 AM, November 29th (Friday)]
I immediately started going to counseling,
He decided to try to forgive me and attempt to stay together.
After a mild physical abuse situation
To me, this is not ok.
I have been seriously considering divorce
I know I'm making a lot of assumptions here. You are in a complicated situation, and your family deserves the best you. So, look at yourself, and work on being the best you. And go from there.
Counseling helped me try to figure out why I had the affair. I wouldn't say I am completely clear on that subject, but I did learn a lot about myself. I honestly don't know that it really helped mybhusband. He doesn't believe in counseling and absolutely refuses to go. He doesn't care if I go, but he will never go himself. We have talked about this subject until we are blue in the face. I stopped going after I completed my individu
al counseling and he wouldn't complete the couples counseling. I am going to go back though.
When I say he decided to forgive me, I guess I meant he decided to TRY to forgive me. We are still a long ways away from this. To him, I honestly think he sees staying as me having to work my butt off to prove myself to him, and he being able to pretty much do what he wants.
The abuse thing happened once. I had turned off his xbox because he was yelling and being belligerent around my kids. I asked him to stop, but he didn't. So I turned it off. I then picked up my two year old to walk out of the house. He kicked me in the butt/back and pushed me. I fell into the wall, and accidentally dropped my daughter on the way. I received a decent bruise to my knee. I was honestly scared of him for the first time. I took my kids and left. He ended up leaving for a few days, and came back with flowers, an apology letter for me, and a letter for my son.I know he truely felt horrible for what he had done. Afterna couple more situations of him breaking things around the house because of that xbox game, we got rid of the game. He is better, but does have some anger management issues still. He hasn't touched me since that day, and he knows I will leave if he does. He wont admit he has a problem...thinks it is normal. So he wont do anything about it. He did go to a few counseling sessions with me afterward because he knew he had to if he wanted to come home. But then he quit going, saying it wasn't helping. The yelling and name calling is not healthy. I am sure it is his hurt coming out. I don't know what he needs. He says I haven't done anything to make things better, but I honestly feel like I have. Important things to him are doing his laundry, cleaning the house, making dinners, and doing domestic things. I am also the breadwinner of the family and work full time. I do the best I can, but it is never good enough for him. He also works, but makes less money, and doesn't have a steady job.
We have talked about this a lot. I feel like I am doing what I can, and he feels like it is not enough. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I know he is not healing, but he will not help me help him, and it is a problem.
I am considering divorce because of the above statement. I feel like we will never see eye to eye, and I do not see hope in our future. I am willing to try to work on things and put in the effort but I really don't know how. And I feel like what I do is never good enough. His only suggestions are to do more domestic things, but how? There is only so much time in one day, I am pregnant, and I have two other kids to take care of. I honestly feel like he was babied as a child/teenager, and he has unrealistic expectations. I constantlyn try to do my best, but he is always putting me down as a wife and mother. I guess I am just at my breaking point, and wonder if we would both be happier apart. I also wonder if our kids would be better off.
Welcome to SI.
Abuse is never OK. You are 1.5 years from d-day and he is calling you names and yelling at you? This isn't R. And you are allowed to have conditions for R too. It sounds like his conditions for R are for you to wait on him, take whatever nasty treatment he feels like dishing out and take care of of all household and kid responsibilities.
I know he is not healing, but he will not help me help him, and it is a problem.
IMO as waywards we should understand that our BS will be angry, upset, and triggered. If we want to R we should recognize this and find ways to help and support our BS. We may also recognize that extreme pain can bring out some inappropriate behaviors in our BS (name calling, yelling). My BH did some yelling and name calling in the first weeks after d-day. I know that nothing but unimaginable pain could cause him to behave like that and I chose to accept it as such (pain). We are a year and 3 months out. He still is frequently very angry. I appreciate when he chooses to share his anger with me or his sadness. He does it respectfully. No name calling or yelling. Those behaviors at this point would be harmful to the M and if I chose to accept the behaviors it would harm my healing and my children. I am learning and working on appropriate boundaries and that type of behavior would definitely cross them.
You deserve to be happy. If he refuses to work on making a home a M that is safe for you and your children to be happy in you should consider detaching and getting yourself prepared to move on without him.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
One thing that stuck out to me is that you said he no longer pays attention to your children.....I don't think they should have to suffer because of a poor choice you made....his anger is with you....it shouldn't affect how he treats them. After dday my BH was very angry and hurt and kicked me out.....but it didn't change how he treated our DD....no matter how angry he was with me.
It sounds like you have realized your mistakes and are truly trying to fix things and make them better....but it takes two people to make a M work....like knight said, you can't heal him or do the work for him.
It must be very scary to be pregnant on top of everything you are already going through. Please take care of yourself and your children...feel free to send me a pm at any time. You don't have to do this alone!