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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just what I asked Santa for...Contentious and Unpleasant
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my update is that Mr. Integrity is using a lawyer who describes himself as "a pitbull with a heart of gold" because, well, a weasly coward like him usually goes for a bully!

He is all pissed off that he isn't getting his rightful 50% parenting time. F**k you, we aren't divorced yet and nobody said that is what is best, expect perhaps the pitbull.

My lawyer had to talk to his lawyer, blah blah blah. She sent me an email saying that he is with holding money because he thinks I am with holding the children. I said, no, I am not, he agreed to see a divorce therapist to figure out the parenting plan and agreed to everything...so WTF? She said, "this is shaping up to be very unpleasant and contentious...read EXPENSIVE." Just what I asked Santa for!!! Yeah!

The kids have to spend all weekend with him- this am until late Sunday, longest stretch ever. They are pissed, don't want to go, complaining about how different he is, how boring it is, how they just want to be "home." My 8year old was laying on her bed refusing to get dressed and refusing to go, she was so mad I was 'making her go' that she refused to say goodbye to me and stormed out of the house to his car. So....he is the asshole that caused all this that she doesn't even want to see, but yet somehow she still manages to take it out on me?? Yikes, being the bigger person and better parent is HARD. I hope see gives him hell all weekend and he starts rethinking his desire for 50/50....


So naturally, it isn't working out how he had hoped. Kids hating it, everything everyone told him is coming to pass, he is probably struggling.


We have another meeting with Divorce Therapist to discuss parenting again on Tuesday....after his long weekend so should be interesting. Do you think he will reconsider whether 50/50 is viable, practical and reasonable or just keep acting like the cluessless douche he is and this will turn into an ugly, expensive fight???


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it may well depend if he wants 50% custody for financial reasons, emotional reasons, or simply to screw with you. If he hasn't thought it through, this might give him food for thought. If he is simply focused on the money or screwing with you, then it probably won't matter. Do your children have an advocate assigned by the court who can talk to them about what their wishes are? That might be helpful to you.

But for this weekend, do not rescue him with advice. If he can't handle things, then he can bring the kids back to you, and you log the fact that he had them for x-hours instead of y-hours and the fact that he couldn't handle them. Start building your court case as to why you are the better parent. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did your lawyer say what typically happens in your state w/r/t custody? I know in many states, the presumption starts at 50/50 and is only adjusted if there is good reason.

I don't have kids, but my former boss divorced his WW and she got 50/50 even though she's a terrible person and always pawned her kids off on sitters when it was her time with them. She needed to keep up appearances (and get more money) so wouldn't give my former boss any more time with the kids, even though she didn't really want to spend time with them (we have some friends in common, so I heard all of the details.)

Hopefully your lawyer can discuss with you options, what's likely to happen, etc. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm crossing my fingers he'll decide 50/50 is way too much after this weekend!

(((sleepless)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is that his lawyer will have him go for 50:50 because of the money and appearances.

These things have a way of working themselves out. Unfortunately you will just have to play a long game.

My ex (of 3 days) was in his best behavior during the proceedings. He knew everyone was watching. He was very insistent about 50:50. We have a shared parenting plan so nothing is court mandated, though.

Well, yesterday he took DD6 over to his parents for Thanksgiving in the afternoon. He left at 2pm, it is a half hour drive. I thought he would be back late evening with an exhausted DD.

He was back at 5pm and out the door..... Yes, spent a grand total of 2 hours there! Most of that time, DD was entertained by her older cousin.

If your WH is like mine, a weekend is just too long. Was he a hands on parent before? That will give you a clue. Mine was a drift in, drift out sort. He did things with DD when he felt like it.



Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts:

The divorce counselor was A) just for show, and B) to drain your finances. He's never intended for it to work.

Your children know you are "safe", therefore they are safe to express negative emotions to you. It hurts like a bitch, but in a fucked up way it's a complement.

I think it's delusional to expect him to be reasonable in this divorce. He is setting you up for a spectacular fall. You need to be putting your shields up and building your defenses up. This divorce therapy is going to end up costing you your kids.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Everyone for your input!

In this state the default is 50/50 so the advice I got from laywer and others is to try and work it out with him outside of litigation because what he wants is more "the norm" than what I want.

That doesn't mean he would get it, every situation is different but the odds are *currently* in his favor. I would fight to the end in a death match if necessary...but would rather not have to go there.

I really don't want to have to go through parenting coordinators and all that crap, expensive, emotionally draining and ugly. So, for the sake of the kids and myself, I am trying to work it out with him using this Divorce Therapist option which he is paying for. It isn't really hurting me or the kids at this point, it is holding him at bay. It is allowing me to have another reasonable person tell him a slow transition is good, she validates my pov and that is great for now, but none of it is legal at this point. She is like a mediator, you don't have to take the advice. The notes from the sessions could be used, if it came to that. She is also way cheaper than the lawyers- so I have used her for some good council when I saw her alone given she understands the legal system very well.

The next session is Tuesday and I am hoping I can give an Oscar worthy performance. If he doesn't agree, it will probably be the last session and we will just have to battle it out in court.

I am going to go to Happy hour now, I really need a drink!!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Everyone for your input!

In this state the default is 50/50 so the advice I got from laywer and others is to try and work it out with him outside of litigation because what he wants is more "the norm" than what I want.

That doesn't mean he would get it, every situation is different but the odds are *currently* in his favor. I would fight to the end in a death match if necessary...but would rather not have to go there.

I really don't want to have to go through parenting coordinators and all that crap, expensive, emotionally draining and ugly. So, for the sake of the kids and myself, I am trying to work it out with him using this Divorce Therapist option which he is paying for. It isn't really hurting me or the kids at this point, it is holding him at bay. It is allowing me to have another reasonable person tell him a slow transition is good, she validates my pov and that is great for now, but none of it is legal at this point. She is like a mediator, you don't have to take the advice. The notes from the sessions could be used, if it came to that. She is also way cheaper than the lawyers- so I have used her for some good council when I saw her alone given she understands the legal system very well.

The next session is Tuesday and I am hoping I can give an Oscar worthy performance. If he doesn't agree, it will probably be the last session and we will just have to battle it out in court.

I am going to go to Happy hour now, I really need a drink!!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Topic Posts: 7

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