And twenty, as usual yes you are right. My own level of indifference wasn't why I brought this topic up, but I guess it snuck in anyway.
I am still resentful and angry but it is getting better...I am making some progress though not as much as I would like. I think I am projecting the anger from myself to xap....but perhaps that should be another thread!
We, as human beings in a society, have a basic human obligation not to have sex with other people's spouses. We live (most of us) in a nation of laws....and fucking someone else's spouse in tantamount to a breach of the social contract. You don't like that? Then go live somewhere where the social customs regarding fidelity and marriage are less rigid. But you don't grow up in a Western society (particularly the U.S.) and not understand the general idea of how marriages work....excepting of course situations wherein both partners have agreed to less traditional norms). The AP has an obligation including, and especially, in double betrayal situations. Listen...if I bring you around my family, invite you over to watch Bulls games and share some tasty beverages, then the very least obligation you owe me is to respect my goddamned marriage vows. Yes, the spouse gets 95% of the blame, but it takes two to tango.
Game of Thrones fans get me here....think of the Red Wedding. If we break bread together and share a meal, then I have an obligation not to betray you.
I don't think I will ever reach indifference. I want every bad thing ever to happen to each and every single OM/OW ever.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 12:23 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]
I do feel that betrayal of societal rules and just the immorality of it. She did not know me though and did not vow loyalty or fidelity to me.
What she did that makes me still feel anger is she verbally assaulted me by text after h left me for her.
I did not contact her, it was not in response to me. She took it upon herself to contact me and judge my behavior, my relationship with h and my mil. She spoke to me like I was the one interfering in her life, like I was not the wife but the affair partner. This total stranger beat me while I was down. That to me is just plain cruel.
I try to make her irrelevant and for the most part she is. Those damn triggers though, it makes it a constant battle to remember that she was only a symptom of a problem.
It sure doesn't help that she comes up on my linked-in, as someone I might know. Yup, I know her, just wish I didn't.
I do want to say to you, I have been reading your posts from the very beginning. You seem to have come so far. You should feel good about the hard work you have been doing. That takes strength.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
I want every bad thing ever to happen to each and every single OM/OW ever
Ouch. Your rage extends toward not only the POSER in your sitch, but every cheater in the Western world? Not criticizing, just confirming. Your contribution is topic-appropriate, but ...ouch. Your wife's AP was divorced (yes?) so perhaps she doesn't technically qualify as an OW.
And twenty, as usual yes you are right.
Like anyone, I detect others' hidden subtexts much more acutely than my own.
((cantaccept)) Just, hugs. You did not deserve to be treated so cruelly by your WH, and piled upon by OW. Wish I could apologize on behalf of all formerly-whoreible OW who are deeply ashamed by our actions.
But in my situation I definitely feel that way about my wife's AP. I will throw a party if anything terrible ever happens to him.
With balloons and clown.
ETA: No, he was not divorced. He's single. Always has been.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 4:50 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]
For the BS, it involves processing all of the considerable hurt and anger and negative feelings, allowing yourself to grieve and at some point be vulnerable and start to trust again. And allow yourself to be helped by people who care about you. And it takes so much longer than anyone can imagine…and also less time in some respects than you think it will. But there is always this thing looming in the background. Your WS will always be someone who betrayed your trust. And you will always be the person that was betrayed. There ain't no getting around that.
[This message edited by sad34 at 11:06 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]
I'm angry because I was faithful, because vows mean something to me - my vows AND other people's vows. I'm angry because I have never dated a married man, would never date a married man, have always taught my children that if somebody is dating/engaged/married, they are OFF LIMITS. Period. Don't hurt people to get your happiness. So it makes me angry when I see OW doing to me what I wouldn't do to her. I never ever wanted to kill myself before, but I have thought about it at least once a week for the last seven months. My joy of living has been lost. I no longer worry about what my children would do if they lost me - I worry about how I can avoid traumatizing them in the here and now. I wonder if they wouldn't be better off without a sad, angry, depressed, heartbroken mother. That makes me angry. At my H, at OW, at OW's mother, at my H's mother, at OW's friends, at every person who ever dated her and broke her heart, at her father who abandoned her, at my H's father who abandoned his mother, at my H's step-father who cheated on and beat his mother, at the neighbor across the street who I'm sure is cheating on his wife... pick a person. I'm probably mad at them.
I think (hope) it's a healthy stage of healing. If I'm still mad at OW a year from now, I probably have some work to do. Right now, I'm ok with it. She doesn't care whether I'm mad at her or not. She's mad at me, because I stole her boyfriend. I can't even wrap my brain around that one.
My H is indifferent - he knows it was about him and his own brokenness. He doesn't think about her. He's not mad at her. He doesn't miss her. I think that is completely healthy for the healing of our marriage. He told me, 'To hate her I would have to have feelings about her. I don't have any feelings about her.' I'm ok with that, too.
By displacing the anger at the AP, the BS finds an outlet without which the intensity of the emotion, if directed entirely at the WS, would probably result in a severance or discontinuance in the relationship. The AP does have a case to answer. However the AP was not the one who broke the oath or betrayed the BS and his or her family. The AP unquestionably has issues to answer.
With time and space, the BS comes to a realization that the principal ‘culprit’ in the betrayal was the WS. Often by that stage anger levels have decreased and the humanness of the WS is recognized, and the role of the AP is seen as that of someone who was either in a place of weakness at the time, or was taking advantage of an identified need in the WS and often accompanied by a ‘cooling’, for whatever reason, of the principal relationship (WS/BS relationship).
With that realization the recovery takes yet another (corrective) turn where full input is put into the main relationship by the BS without focusing on the AP. The BS’s feelings for the AP morh into those of disappointment, often disappointment (if the AP was a friend or family member), and pity.
Does the BS then ever fully trust the WS going forward? That varies from relationship to relationship but the ‘new’ relationships is now founded on a very real understanding of human strengths and weaknesses and forged in a fire that has hopefully added an element of greater perception and commitment in going forward.
Finally one must also ask the question (I don’t know if it would ever be truthfully answered and maybe should be for a new thread) – having shared the levels of intimacy with the AP and in the light of their own misdirected actions, does the WS retain feelings for the AP in going forward – much akin to a recovered alcoholic having to avoid alcohol for the rest of his or her life for fear of relapse?
You have a PM.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.