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User Topic: how is the healing process different for WS and BS?
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very glad that I decided to post this topic because it has helped clear things up for me. A lot of what has been said here are things that I hadn't even thought to consider, and now that they have been explained I think I have a better understanding of how BS begin to heal. Thank you!

And twenty, as usual yes you are right. My own level of indifference wasn't why I brought this topic up, but I guess it snuck in anyway.

I am still resentful and angry but it is getting better...I am making some progress though not as much as I would like. I think I am projecting the anger from myself to xap....but perhaps that should be another thread!

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a double betrayed situation, so I think it might make a small difference. 9 months out, I still have white-hot rage for my wife's AP, who was a close friend, neighbor, and co-worker of ours. I know that I've seen people post along the lines of "Well, that person didn't make any promises/vows to you." To that, I say simply:

Fuck that.

We, as human beings in a society, have a basic human obligation not to have sex with other people's spouses. We live (most of us) in a nation of laws....and fucking someone else's spouse in tantamount to a breach of the social contract. You don't like that? Then go live somewhere where the social customs regarding fidelity and marriage are less rigid. But you don't grow up in a Western society (particularly the U.S.) and not understand the general idea of how marriages work....excepting of course situations wherein both partners have agreed to less traditional norms). The AP has an obligation including, and especially, in double betrayal situations. Listen...if I bring you around my family, invite you over to watch Bulls games and share some tasty beverages, then the very least obligation you owe me is to respect my goddamned marriage vows. Yes, the spouse gets 95% of the blame, but it takes two to tango.

Game of Thrones fans get me here....think of the Red Wedding. If we break bread together and share a meal, then I have an obligation not to betray you.

I don't think I will ever reach indifference. I want every bad thing ever to happen to each and every single OM/OW ever.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 12:23 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
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Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a year from dday, I still have anger at ow.

I do feel that betrayal of societal rules and just the immorality of it. She did not know me though and did not vow loyalty or fidelity to me.

What she did that makes me still feel anger is she verbally assaulted me by text after h left me for her.

I did not contact her, it was not in response to me. She took it upon herself to contact me and judge my behavior, my relationship with h and my mil. She spoke to me like I was the one interfering in her life, like I was not the wife but the affair partner. This total stranger beat me while I was down. That to me is just plain cruel.

I try to make her irrelevant and for the most part she is. Those damn triggers though, it makes it a constant battle to remember that she was only a symptom of a problem.

It sure doesn't help that she comes up on my linked-in, as someone I might know. Yup, I know her, just wish I didn't.

I do want to say to you, I have been reading your posts from the very beginning. You seem to have come so far. You should feel good about the hard work you have been doing. That takes strength.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1422 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want every bad thing ever to happen to each and every single OM/OW ever

Ouch. Your rage extends toward not only the POSER in your sitch, but every cheater in the Western world? Not criticizing, just confirming. Your contribution is topic-appropriate, but ...ouch. Your wife's AP was divorced (yes?) so perhaps she doesn't technically qualify as an OW.

And twenty, as usual yes you are right.

Like anyone, I detect others' hidden subtexts much more acutely than my own.

((cantaccept)) Just, hugs. You did not deserve to be treated so cruelly by your WH, and piled upon by OW. Wish I could apologize on behalf of all formerly-whoreible OW who are deeply ashamed by our actions.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, EVERY OM/OW in the world is probably a tad too far, as there are a lot of people on this site whose opinions I value and whose insight has helped me.

But in my situation I definitely feel that way about my wife's AP. I will throw a party if anything terrible ever happens to him.

With balloons and clown.

ETA: No, he was not divorced. He's single. Always has been.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 4:50 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
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Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I can tell, the WS healing process is different in that it involves admitting you did something VERY wrong, dealing with the BS's rightful anger about EVERYTHING that timeline involves - the lies, the infidelity, the hurt, the gas lighting, being taken for granted, the obliterated trust, addressing all of those things and taking a hard look at one's self and making an honest attempt to change. And acknowledge that there is also collateral damage to others - kids, friends, family, yourself. That is a lot. And dealing with the guilt that you have caused this - that it was your choice, your decisions, your stupidity that lead you down this path. And now you have to keep yourself on the right path if you want to save your relationships - with your spouse and children.

For the BS, it involves processing all of the considerable hurt and anger and negative feelings, allowing yourself to grieve and at some point be vulnerable and start to trust again. And allow yourself to be helped by people who care about you. And it takes so much longer than anyone can imagine…and also less time in some respects than you think it will. But there is always this thing looming in the background. Your WS will always be someone who betrayed your trust. And you will always be the person that was betrayed. There ain't no getting around that.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't read other replies, but will say my piece. Wh had a LTA, so far all those years he knew what was going on. So when on dday he chose me, he was the one holding all the cards.
My entire history was rewritten. A woman I should never have met is instantly placed into my timeline.
So for me to just stop thinking and talking about her is near impossible at the moment. I'm still trying to catch up on what my life has become. The WS as much as they need to work on healing, the BS is going through ten times the shit. I also believe the WS if they want us back have to move heaven and earth to b worthy of "r", and that of course includes throwing the op under the bus.

[This message edited by sad34 at 11:06 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
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Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't read all the responses, so maybe this is repetitive - for me, I know that eventually I will come to a place of indifference with AP. I'm not there yet. She's pregnant, so it's probably going to take a while. I'm angry. I was in a three-way relationship for almost a year, and I didn't know it. I've only just come up to speed, and I'm still processing. I'm not exactly in control of my emotions - believe me, if I could cut her loose from my brain, I would. She doesn't mean anything, she didn't mean anything, she could have been anybody. Some days I'm just mad at EVERYBODY. Humans. People who treat other people like they don't exist, like their feelings are irrelevant, like only vows make you have to treat people with decency and respect. People who feed their low self-esteem through other people, and absolutely destroy someone else in the process. It just sucks.

I'm angry because I was faithful, because vows mean something to me - my vows AND other people's vows. I'm angry because I have never dated a married man, would never date a married man, have always taught my children that if somebody is dating/engaged/married, they are OFF LIMITS. Period. Don't hurt people to get your happiness. So it makes me angry when I see OW doing to me what I wouldn't do to her. I never ever wanted to kill myself before, but I have thought about it at least once a week for the last seven months. My joy of living has been lost. I no longer worry about what my children would do if they lost me - I worry about how I can avoid traumatizing them in the here and now. I wonder if they wouldn't be better off without a sad, angry, depressed, heartbroken mother. That makes me angry. At my H, at OW, at OW's mother, at my H's mother, at OW's friends, at every person who ever dated her and broke her heart, at her father who abandoned her, at my H's father who abandoned his mother, at my H's step-father who cheated on and beat his mother, at the neighbor across the street who I'm sure is cheating on his wife... pick a person. I'm probably mad at them.

I think (hope) it's a healthy stage of healing. If I'm still mad at OW a year from now, I probably have some work to do. Right now, I'm ok with it. She doesn't care whether I'm mad at her or not. She's mad at me, because I stole her boyfriend. I can't even wrap my brain around that one.

My H is indifferent - he knows it was about him and his own brokenness. He doesn't think about her. He's not mad at her. He doesn't miss her. I think that is completely healthy for the healing of our marriage. He told me, 'To hate her I would have to have feelings about her. I don't have any feelings about her.' I'm ok with that, too.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Member # 8099
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question Allsamd24! After discovery the BS is generally in a state of shock, has lost his or her reference points as all that was supposedly ‘solid’ previously has been dislodged and, most importantly, the damage has been done by the one person who made a (supposedly once in a lifetime) oath and who disregarded not only the BS but invariably the family (immediate and extended as well). Tough territory. We are ‘collective’ by nature. The BS has two options – break ties completely with the WS; redirect the anger. Breaking ties is often not feasible or practical for financial reasons; dependents; the desire to understand and possibly reconstruct.

By displacing the anger at the AP, the BS finds an outlet without which the intensity of the emotion, if directed entirely at the WS, would probably result in a severance or discontinuance in the relationship. The AP does have a case to answer. However the AP was not the one who broke the oath or betrayed the BS and his or her family. The AP unquestionably has issues to answer.

With time and space, the BS comes to a realization that the principal ‘culprit’ in the betrayal was the WS. Often by that stage anger levels have decreased and the humanness of the WS is recognized, and the role of the AP is seen as that of someone who was either in a place of weakness at the time, or was taking advantage of an identified need in the WS and often accompanied by a ‘cooling’, for whatever reason, of the principal relationship (WS/BS relationship).

With that realization the recovery takes yet another (corrective) turn where full input is put into the main relationship by the BS without focusing on the AP. The BS’s feelings for the AP morh into those of disappointment, often disappointment (if the AP was a friend or family member), and pity.

Does the BS then ever fully trust the WS going forward? That varies from relationship to relationship but the ‘new’ relationships is now founded on a very real understanding of human strengths and weaknesses and forged in a fire that has hopefully added an element of greater perception and commitment in going forward.

Finally one must also ask the question (I don’t know if it would ever be truthfully answered and maybe should be for a new thread) – having shared the levels of intimacy with the AP and in the light of their own misdirected actions, does the WS retain feelings for the AP in going forward – much akin to a recovered alcoholic having to avoid alcohol for the rest of his or her life for fear of relapse?

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2005
Deeply Scared
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Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:00 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You have a PM.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198293 | Registered: May 2002
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