This is my first post and I am not completely down with the acronyms. Here is a little about me.
I am 28, my husband will be 31 this year. We have been married for 9 years, 10 years in February. We have 4 children together between the ages of 8 and 11 weeks. I am at home on leave from having our youngest right now and will return to work on the 12th of December. This is causing me a lot more anxiety so I figured I'd look for some support.
Here is the story.
On October 17, 2013 I found out that my husband had slept with and received oral sex from a girl he worked with and still works with. He was talking to her friend on Facebook and he even said things that were flirty with this friend. He made insinuations about doing things with her and then said that they couldn't because she was friends with the other girl. I found out because he left his tablet here and it kept going off. When I pulled it up I saw the messaging they were doing back and forth. I waited until he got home and before he got into the house and I sent a message asking what she knew about the incident which is when she said that he had had sex and received oral sex from the girl at work. He had deleted the messaged before coming into the house.
When I asked him about it when he got home, before the girl had messaged back, he completely lied to my face saying that he knew I was reading his messages which is why he said those things. So when she messaged back with him right in front of me I asked him about that and he said that he had lied. I was so upset I was shaking and could not hold the baby.
He admitted that the incident happened right before she started working there and that he had received oral sex 3 times and had sex with her 1 time. He maintains that he used protection. Like an idiot a couple of years ago I had an std that I thought maybe was one that was received another way. I was not sure if we got it from my iud coming out and it being contaminated or something else. Now I wonder if maybe this is where it came from. The std was Trich so it was easily cured.
We have sat up many many nights since that time and talked and talked. We talked about a lot of things and I have asked a lot about any past issues. I know that around our 3 year marriage mark he had a woman that came over and he states that he had attempted to get oral sex and anal sex from her but that I had arrived back at home early and I caught them as she was leaving.
I will not admit to be perfect as without our first 2 years of marriage I did have one incident when I cheated on him with my ex. He was my first love and that is no excuse and I felt horribly guilty. We moved past those two incidents.
We have had a lot of issues with him creating profiles on hook up sites and I have been very irritated by this and when he gets cause he cancels them for awhile. I had finally gotten to a point where I was trusting him and was not looking through his phone and when he said that he had to work late I believed him as he works at a convenience store so it happens.
I feel like an idiot believing what he said. There were only a couple of times according to him that he said that he had to work late that he met this girl after work. He did things with her at work and while he was actually on the clock since he was working over night.
I have asked if there was more and he keeps saying no so finally I dropped it so it didn't cause more issues. I still think there might have been more, but I don't think he will ever say anything and I am trying to believe that this was it. He asked the night I found out if he needed to come back home or if I was going to kick him out. I thought about it a lot and told him that if he wanted to return to the house he could because I knew that if I told him not to return then that was it and I wasn't sure I was ready to call it quits.
Yes, I was hurt, but I couldn't imagine just saying that I was through if I knew that he still wanted to try. We have 4 children together and I do love him. He has told me that he wasn't ready to get married when we did and I understand that because he was very immature. I have an old soul so I knew I was ready to be married and have a family. He says that after a couple of years he felt like he really did not want to be married. He felt like that up until earlier this year. He said that what changed is that he is 30, he sees his single friends and family really wanting to settle down, he understands what he would be losing, and he has been trying to make a change.
I told him that we needed counseling so we have had 2 sessions so far. This is helping I believe and we have been talking and honest about everything.
Here are my issues.
He still works with this girl. He was working mornings and she was working afternoons, but since this has come out things have happened at work and now he is working the same shift with her. He has told his boss, but she doesn't have anyone else to work the shift with her. This drives me insane. I have messaged her and told her my feelings, she apologized and apparently cried the rest of that day. I told my husband that I do not want him talking to her unless it is work related. So far they both have followed this so they say.
I can't stop looking for more. As I mentioned, I feel like there may be more because there have been many unhappy times, but I don't want there to be more. I want to believe that this is it so I don't know why I keep looking for more. I also know that I am sure he isn't dumb enough to do anything else right now and that he would be even better at hiding his tracks.
I love my husband and I want to be able to just let this all go and not think about it. We have been able to reconnect sexually and emotionally so it has been wonderful, WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER. When we aren't together then that is when I start having thoughts that maybe there is more or maybe there is something else hidden somewhere. Then I start snooping. I don't want to focus on this, I want to just move past it.
I have become so stressed and anxious that it is now affecting my milk supply. I have ALWAYS had an over supply which means that I could pump an extra 20 oz a day. Now I am lucky to get 10 and sometimes I feel like the baby is not happy. I am working on increasing this supply, but that involves figuring out a way to stop the stress and anxiety. I know I am exhausted and not staying hydrated like I need to. I am also having to make myself eat because I know I need to.
I am going back to work in about 13 days. This means that I will be working m-f 8-5. My husband is working either 2p-12a or 4p-12a with either 2 or 3 days off, never regular days. He usually gets at least Wed and Thur off so he does not have to work with that girl very often since she is off Mon and Tues. This means that we will not be able to see each other as much. I have been staying up late to see him when he gets home so we can have some us time. Of course the next day I am exhausted.
Since we have talked and are working toward the future and moving out of the past we have decided that we would really like to have our vows renewed for our 10 year anniversary. This would allow us to have a fresh start with vows that have not been tainted. We are hoping to do a ceremony with just the 2 of us at church and then have a party with friends and family to ask them to support us in our new relationship. I enjoy the thought of this fresh start, but I want us to be able to make it to that point.
I want to be able to get past this. I know it hasn't been very long, just over a month, but I am needing some advice and support. My main questions are how do I stop snooping or when does it stop? How do I stop stressing over all these thoughts that there is more that I don't know or that will come out later? How do I stop obsessing over these negative what-if thoughts about him doing something again? I really need some help so I can get back to me and stop being so stressed out and learn how to live with this and move past it.
I want to thank everyone for their help and my heart goes out for everyone that is here.