Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Schmetterling (44253)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Mediator vs. Lawyer?
Survivor9582
♀ Member
Member # 41388
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading up on the costs of divorce and I'm wondering if anyone has used a mediator instead of a lawyer. Me husband and I are not at the divorce point yet, but I feel I need to know my options. Thanks!


Me:BW-42
Him:WH-40 (EA)
He left when confronted with the EA, refuses to talk about it, but cannot give me answers to my questions because he "doesn't know" anything.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mediation is considerably less costly and can be less stressful. However, please understand some very important caveats.

First, you shouldn't mediate with someone you cannot trust. If he has been deceitful about money, especially, don't go down the mediation road.

Secondly, a mediator is only there to advise both of you on the law. They cannot counsel either party as to what is in their best interest. They are working towards a consensus, not towards any one person's best interest.

Mediation works like this: the couple has several sessions with a mediator to come to an agreement. They share financial paperwork, etc. Only after an agreement is reached is the divorce filed and approved by a judge.

Why is this important, you may ask. It is important because up and until the point of finalization by the judge, you have zero legal resource to compel things such as production of paperwork or payment of child support. So, if you are dealing with someone who is habitually deceptive or is vengeful, you would have zero legal resource to compel production of paperwork or payment of child support or other costs until the divorce is final.

You could decide to mediate and hire your own attorney to "coach" you through mediation, but you still have no legal muscle if they decide to play games.

One huge misconception about divorce is that if you hire an attorney, it automatically means a trial. This is not the case. In fact, it is rare that a divorce goes to trial. You may have a temporary orders hearing, but it is unlikely there will be a trial.

Attorneys are expensive. However, this is the rest of your financial future and that of any children you may have. I wouldn't do mediation without my own attorney, and my personal experience with mediation was one where my now-ex didn't produce requested paperwork and thought he could bully me through the process. I hired a very good attorney and got a settlement far above what I was considering settling for.

Bet he wishes he hadn't been such an ass. Too bad, so sad.

I hope that helps. If both parties are truly seeking to be fair, putting the needs of any children first and are honest, mediation can work. However, how many unremorseful WSs are seeking to be fair and honest?

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29540 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had both…a mediator and a lawyer. Plus, my mediator was a lawyer too. Ex and I negotiated with the mediator, then I turned it over to my lawyer for review. I wanted all the bases covered. It was cheaper to simply have the L review and advise instead of doing all of the back and forth work.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4015 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 3

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.