No wonder I am confused.
You are confused because of many things associated with adultery...particularly your path away from it.
The initial shock of what has happened to your M as a result of your husbands direct and intentional actions. Your husbands fickle answer kept changing AFTER discovery. He did lots of trickle truthing to you. You have spent hundreds of hours pouring over what your marriage is, was, can be....but your perspective is so skewed you are lucky to remember to put gas in the car.
Adultery is crazy making stuff.--My old counselor said this repeatedly in IC sessions. It is crazy making for all involved. Your husbands and my wifes mind was warped by their choices.....warped in that they were lying to themselves first, then to us....having to keep up with the deception and lies plus having the chemicals released in their minds is too much stimulation to keep LOGIC functioning.
I will give you some advice from my IC sessions....try and embrace the idea that you simply never will find logic in the illogical.
Does it make sense for 2 middle aged people to have unprotected sex after just 2 months of knowing each other and NO past-sexual history discussion? Would we expect our daughters to engage in this type of activity when they hit puberty? Was their ANY chance our spouses relationship was ever going to be more then the sin it was? Is what they did worth what it cost them? Cost us? Cost, in our case, the 7 children affected?
There is no logic involved here Olwen. Believe me....I do what you do. I ask questions hoping to find some sane answer to the actions of the person we are married to during their time in affair land. What I have come up with is this.
My wife fucked another man because, at times, she did not operate honestly and in a loving manner within my M. She was selfish.
I did not operate honestly or in a loving manner, at times, within this same marriage. I was selfish.
My wife committed adultery. I did not.
Why?
That answer has yet to be fully explained to me in ways that I am satisfied with.
I get that my wife was not having all of her needs met inside her M to me. I also get that her FOO plays a large part in her inability to be vulnerable and bond with me....with anyone. Needs, desires and emotions are strongly viewed as weak traits in my wifes mind. Traits to be scared of, traits to deny you have, traits to look down on. What I don't get is the unprotected sex with a relative stranger, father of 5, meeting him after she dropped our girls off, and not having the will to resist that..,...and to actually RUN AFTER THAT AFTER my DD (while we were in counseling, her sister was accountability partner, she was still having sex with me) I didn't think my wife could do this.....she didn't think she could....and she did. I need to see substantial change in her to feel safe and trust again.
Can my wife change enough to be an actively engaged, supportive wife in her M to me? Can she earn my trust back?
I believe so. I have faith and hope she can.
Can I do the same? Yes, I have faith and hope I can overcome my FOO programing. I have forgiven her, but trust is not there yet.
I just put a simple post out there.....it is this.
How do you find the right person to marry? BE A RIGHT PERSON TO MARRY!
My wife and I are struggling. The pain is tremendous, the sadness is perpetual....both are emotions, both will change.
Hang in their Olwen....you are still new to this journey. You, like many of us, started at a disadvantage due to changing admissions from our spouses and the dreadful trickle trothing. It angers me still to think my wife thought she knew what was best for me, what I could and could not handle. I use this for motivation to express my feelings as fully as I can to my wife.....which goes against my abandonment fear programing...but I am doing this. I do this because the fear of having the CURRENT M I have for a lifetime is greater then not having one at all.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:31 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]