When he brought her here and I realised there was something between them he denied it until she ended it the nest working day. Then he confessed to an 'inappropriate friendship. Then it was a few more weeks of me hounding him and he confessed to two kisses, then I thought we were in R but still had this gut feeling they had sex. He denied it completely but I didn't believe him. HE finally confessed in june.

after that he has answered all my questions but the answers were all over the place. Somedays I believe some days I don't. Sometimes I accept something, then later I see the holes.

THink we got to the truth this morning so am going to write about that in a new thread so it doesn't get lost in this one.

It's ME causing the drama.

CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION

You are not causing the drama with regards to anything adultery related. You are processing pain and trauma that your husband invited into you marriage and family.

Your questions are you trying to assess the damage caused by the bomb that your husband detonated. Your trauma is causing you to analyze everything...make sure the home is safe to come back to.

NONE OF THIS WOULD BE A PART OF OUR LIFE EXPERIENCE HAD OUR SPOUSES NOT COMMITTED ADULTERY!

Please.....see this as the flag it is.

I confess, this is a hard post to write because my own FOO fears want to take the field again....want me to dismiss my needs and desires so that my wife wont leave me. See how unhealthy THAT attitude is???!?!?? This was MY attitude pre-A. I didn't realize it until 5 months of IC....it was that well hidden....was a part of me for 30 years and I never knew it!

Since 3 months after my DD I have severely modified my own unhealthy behaviors. It feels really good!

I still stumble. I have to be on guard for doing what you MIGHT be attempting to do here. That is let our own burdens shift around so that I can take on some of my wifes burdens. It wont work, it will create resentment, it does a disservice to our spouses by eliminating some of the stimulus (pain) for their own growth.

I also have to temper my pleasure when my wife does something for me. It feels so good that I want to overly praise her. Then I remember my IC sessions and realize what my wife is attempting to do NOW (honesty, admitting and expressing of needs, thankfulness, asking for help) is what is part of a healthy marriage......not something above and beyond. KWIM?

I might be off base with this post to you Olwen....I just fear you may be too grateful for just-enough....resulting in you M to fall short of its potential.

This pain is to great to settle for mediocre growth.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:19 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Every day he surprises me with an insight into the man he is becoming. If I wrote it all down I would be here all day but here are a few.

Really analysing what happened during the affair, not just the facts but his feelings too. Also looking into his past habits and behaviours that led him to make these awful choices.

He is imagining scenarios and taking steps to make sure he doesn't fall into the same pattern again.

He has recognised what these patterns of behaviour were.

He is watching how he interacts with women and has his guard up against anything inappropriate.

I have full transparency from him.

He finally realises what he had all along and how he nearly lost us. It breaks him to realise how much he took us for granted.

He has sold his motorbike at a knock down price to have counselling.

We spend hours each day just talking and talking some more.

He has started acting proactively. If something needs doing he notices and acts. Even things like a note for school for our son. Once upon a time it would not have entered his head. Now when I go to write one he tells me he has done it and its already in son's bag. A little thing but told me a lot.

HE basically treats me like a queen now. No shouting, no impatience, will answer questions as many times as I need to hear the answers.

Once I approached him in a calm way he opened up about his true feelings. the only reason he didn't before was the way I reacted (I noticed this not him) and he minimised to save me the pain he was witnessing.

He has read books on affairs, he has read on here although he doesn't get much time to post he points out threads and we talk about them.

he is making amends with our son. He took him to his first football game yesterday

To be frank I have never seen someone so broken pick themselves up and transform back to the person they were years ago. The man I first fell in love with and had until recent years, but unbelievably even better!

I am not blind though and if this is temporary (I don't think it is as he has been this man before) then I will leave. If I see the bad guy of recent years reappearing I will not stand for it.

I don't feel I am settling for good enough, what I am seeing is my old husband coming back to me but new and improved.

I had better stop now before this turns into another essay.