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Newest Member: JJ99 (44613)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: screwed up the 180
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH called today to tell me he wanted to see the kids tomorrow and that his brother had finished transferring his cell phone over for my use (mine was broken) he is very matter of fact. Wants to act like nothing is going on . Its like he is doing the 180 on me. I once again poured my heart out. Wtf is wrong with me? Only he can see what he is doing I cannot force him. I just cannot believe he can be so cold and matter of fact about wanting a divorce. My world is shattered. Why isn't his? I know I need to be strong and put on a brave face and stick to the 180 Bc arguing with him only reminds him of all his excuses on why this happened. Its got to be easier for him if he can stay annoyed and mad at me. I need to make this hard on him. That sounds silly and I know that I am supposed to do the 180 for me not to make him realize anything but I
cannot help hoping for both. I just don't know how to do this. He was here for 14 years (together 17) and one day poof he just isn't. I don't know how to deal with the severance.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules1111,
First hugs to you. Second forgive yourself for not sticking with the 180. It is hard because you hurt. Finally...start thinking...hard...get angry...get furious. How DARE he do this to you. How DARE he betray you and treat you badly. As it is said....get your bitch boots on. Get mad...it is easier to hold to 180 if you are angry. That can help you start in the beginning. With practice you do not need the anger. Remember the 180 is for you..to help you through this.

In the meantime...keep posting or find something to keep you occupied. My house was spotless with every closet reorganized while I was dealing with the A in the early days. Just do somethi g!!


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK. You fell down. Get back up and try again. It's OK. We all screw it up, in the beginning. Well, almost all of us. I know I was horrible at the 180 and it cost me three years of misery. Just keep trying.

(((Jules)))


Posts: 11582 | Registered: Mar 2008
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules, you should have seen some of my failures of the 180. I mean, standing over someone, screaming obscenities, or collapsing into a heap in the floor wailing in anguish are not what we call winning 180 strategies for detaching! But I've sure done it.

You screw up, you get up and do better. Each time you do better, catch yourself earlier when you are tempted to break, and find your righteous anger and filter it into cold indifference, you'll get better. I used to chant Dead Man, Dead Man, whenever I would have to look at my FWH when I was detaching from him. In time, it became automatic.

(((hugs))) Find your anger and use it.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4692 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Cabot
♂ Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is very tough for me also I lost it this morning when my kids started talking about christmas. My WW say she is sorry she feels like the bad guy, she wants to be a better person but she still feel like she doesn't want to work on or marriage. For me its like I see some hope and than get kicked back down.




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
Cabot
♂ Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is very tough for me also I lost it this morning when my kids started talking about christmas. My WW say she is sorry she feels like the bad guy, she wants to be a better person but she still feel like she doesn't want to work on or marriage. For me its like I see some hope and than get kicked back down.




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every body falls off the 180 wagon so don't be too hard on yourself. I know what it's like to have the man you thought you would be spending your life with, suddenly go into cold business mode. Remember he decided to cheat on you months ago and mourned the loss of your relationship in silence. He just wants to be free to get into her pants. Wait until reality hits him.

Don't give into pleading any more. It has never "brought a WS to his senses". Also don't fall for the blaming act. You didn't cause him to cheat. He chose that rather than come to you to "talk". They blame you to try to ease their guilt. Google "rewriting marital history" and you'll be amazed.

Meantime, do anything you can to keep busy. I don't know your story, but can you meet an old girlfriend who has been through this for coffee, or take a class like Zumba or volunteer at a pet shelter? Cruise Walmart if that's what it takes, but keep busy - one foot in front of the other.You WILL survive this.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for all of your replies. this is an amazing place. I am having a few hours of "strong". A few days ago I didnt think I would ever feel anything but despair, but I talked to my cousin, and my kids have friends over. Hearing them laugh and play makes me happy. I am sure the crushing despair and fear and sadness wil be back, but for right now it isnt so heavy. I did think ridiculous future things like how will I ever buy a new car, get a loan to cover the house, what happens when the house needs a new roof? Stupid things way in the future. I couldnt help it. But I am telling myself that I just need to get through the next few minutes. And then I need to get through finals. then next semester, then nursing school. Small blocks instead of "OhmyGodineedtodoitallnownownow!" I may even try to eat something solid. I pray for more of this strength, bc its never fun sitting in the bottom of your shower crying for 45 minutes. Grief sucks.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 8

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