It may be 41 years of marriage, but is what you're in right now the marriage that you want? If it isn't then how many more days, months, years will you waste of your life, being with a man who doesn't seem to value you or want you?
(((hugs))) You shouldn't be doing the heavy lifting.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
It depends on what you want the rest of your life to look like.
It sounds like he's still having an A, or at least his behaviors are not that of a partner I'd want. But some people are willing to put up with that for other reasons (financial stability, for example.)
What do you want out of life? As someone told me when I was trying to decide whether or not to R, you are the parent of your future self. The decisions you make now will determine what the rest of your life looks like.
41 years are sunk costs. You can do nothing about them now. All you can affect is the future. What you can do is look at 3 previous D-Days and current unacceptable behavior. Are you willing to live the rest of your life like that?
I went to a seminar recently that talked about when you have a stressor in your life, you basically have three choices:
1. Accept it
2. Change it
3. Be miserable
From what you've written, you either have to be OK that your husband is likely cheating and certainly not an emotionally available and supportive partner, leave him (since trying to get him to change only results in more D-Days and unacceptable behavior) (which might result in him realizing what the consequences are and really doing the work to R) or keep on with what's been happening -- do what you've always done and you'll be where you've always been.
Envision what you want your life to look like 5 years from now. What can you do now to make that happen?
I just realized this was posted in the R forum -- where I hardly ever read (thought this was general) -- hope it's still OK to post it even though I chose not to R. I didn't see anything in the rules where I couldn't.
Anyway, more hugs because this situation just sucks and I'm sorry you're back here with worries and doubts. (((SMC)))
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
[This message edited by Pawpatch at 7:41 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]
Can you access his telephone?