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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How much did the A and D change you?
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been noticing so many changes since this all happened. And as I heal more and more, I'm more and more struck by them.

I used to obsess over getting things perfect. Answering every email promptly. Grading everything immediately. Worrying about consequences. What people thought of me. I work in a lot more downtime for myself now. Things still get done, but I don't sweat the small stuff like I used to.

I really no longer care what people think of me. I'm just the same to everyone and keep negative people out of my life without remorse. No drama.

And even the big things I handle differently. A dear mentor died a few weeks back. I cried for the loss a couple of times that afternoon, but then I thought about his full and loving life and was more sentimental about it and happy for him. I would have obsessed over that and cried my eyes out before.

I'm closer to my friends and value them more. I'm more willing to open up. Had dinner with two girlfriends the other day and we each laughed and cried and held each other's hand as we discussed our problems and joys. I used to think that I didn't like people very much. Now I see everyone so differently. I feel deeply for everyone in my life because I feel as if I now have a deeper understanding of loss and what people can go through.

I'm much more independent. I'm stronger than I've ever been. Even my IC told me that I have guts the other day over how I've handled some pretty serious stuff lately. I feel like I can face anything after this loss and trauma.

I'm more adventurous.

I'm more trusting of my instincts. My gut told me not to marry him, to leave him even before DDay and I had no idea why on both counts. I'm going to do my best not to ignore that little voice again.

I'm much more aware of where I need to work on myself. And I'm eager to do it.

I'm sure there's more... But these are just some of the things that come to mind.

I was so so devastated after DDay and after he left. I've never experienced such pain. I remember laying in bed, my heart burning and in agony, unable to sleep or eat or stop crying. I didn't want to live a life without him.

When I think of that now, I'm amazed. I'm still sad now and then. I'm older without children and feel like he ruined me in some ways. I worry about being able to trust again, etc. The holidays have been a killer. But I'm also starting to get a little .... excited? .... about the future. I will always mourn the man I lost in this. I loved him so much. Had he been who I thought he was, we could have had a wonderful life together. But this man-- I'll never speak to him again. I'm lucky it was as easy as it was to walk away.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will always mourn the man I lost in this. I loved him so much. Had he been who I thought he was, we could have had a wonderful life together. But this man-- I'll never speak to him again. I'm lucky it was as easy as it was to walk away.


^^^THIS ^^^
I am sometimes amazed at who I am now. On DDay, I was a sobbing mess, I could barely function for my children. Now I am so much more capable, accomplished and proud of who I am. I chose happiness and to move forward and I never thought I would. I have hopes and dreams again and I didn't think I would. I have found that I am fiercely independent and that surprises the Hell out of me. Still, the statement you wrote above, that I will always carry inside me. For the rest of my life, that feeling, thought, question will haunt me.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1700 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will always mourn the man I lost in this. I loved him so much. Had he been who I thought he was, we could have had a wonderful life together. But this man-- I'll never speak to him again.

^^THIS. Had he been half the man I thought I married we could have had a wonderful life together.

I'm lucky it was as easy as it was to walk away.

I envy you that. I really do.

I have rediscovered the simple joys of life. A sun shower, a windy afternoon, picking flowers with my girls - just being.

I'm such a better mum. I've always been fairly easygoing but got so wound up whilst in that relationship I barely recognised myself. I'm sad that I stopped smelling the roses.

I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I have so much good in my life I honestly feel so blessed.

There was a point where I was bemoaning how much I'd lost but then I turned a corner and started seeing all that I'd regained or already had and took for granted. My sunny disposition, phenomenal friends, a wonderful support group and the loveliest little girls who ever walked this earth.

I still have me.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good topic, PhantomLimb. I was a professional worrier before DD. I had some IC for a few months and one thing my counselor gave me was a CD about worry and anxiety. It helped me realize all my worrying was unproductive. Once I realized that if I felt/feel myself start the worry track I just cut myself off. And told myself to stop and that it will work itself out.

I can't believe how much time I had spent on worrying about everything. I guess I always had the concern about some thing bad happening and guess what something bad did happen. Did my worrying prevent that no. After that realization happened I am able to shut down those thoughts with I'll take care of xyz when it happens.

I never realized how freeing it is to not let worry drive my thoughts and life.

[This message edited by Elaine2012 at 10:41 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 285 | Registered: Jul 2012
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It changed my entire world view. I used to believe that if you were a good person, treated people right, followed the rules of society, that you'd be treated right.

I thought I was so incredibly happy in my marriage, and 2011 was shaping up to be the best year yet.

Now I believe that luck/fate plays a much bigger role in things. I realized that I have much less control over my life than what I thought before.

In more positive ways, it made me realize that I am much more resourceful, independent, social, and loved than I ever thought. XWH was verbally abusive and tried to isolate me --luckily this didn't entirely work.

I realized that I love going out (hadn't been to the movie theater in over 10 years -- I've gone to 30 movies in 2013 to date) and am a very social person -- I changed who I was to accommodate him.

I still believe that if he hadn't cheated, I would have had a happy enough life, as I wouldn't have known how happy I could be without him. We would have had a great life, as I'd gotten used to having an emotionally unavailable partner.

Now I'm just rambling -- to sum it up, the A changed everything. It sometimes makes me sad that I'm not as naive as I used to be.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3296 | Registered: Dec 2011
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will always mourn the man I lost in this. I loved him so much. Had he been who I thought he was, we could have had a wonderful life together. But this man-- I'll never speak to him again. I'm lucky it was as easy as it was to walk away.

Same. No kids, XH held the dog hostage, so no need to ever see/speak to him again.

As for changes, I'm not quite so self-less as before. I expect more reciprocity in all my relationships. My tolerance for bullshit has fallen off even more. I'm alot stronger than I ever thought possible. More capable of love and forgiveness than I'd ever imagined.

That's a few. Fuzzy headed, still waking up & drinking coffee.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny-- it seems like the WS has a playbook... but it also seems like the successful BS who 180s and NCs and takes care of themselves also has a playbook... and that one seems to result in being older and wiser-- but happier in the long run.

I realized that I love going out (hadn't been to the movie theater in over 10 years -- I've gone to 30 movies in 2013 to date) and am a very social person -- I changed who I was to accommodate him.

I still believe that if he hadn't cheated, I would have had a happy enough life, as I wouldn't have known how happy I could be without him. We would have had a great life, as I'd gotten used to having an emotionally unavailable partner.

Now I'm just rambling -- to sum it up, the A changed everything. It sometimes makes me sad that I'm not as naive as I used to be.

This is so me, too.

I'm also realizing that all of the things he said I did to him on DDay ("isolating" him, etc) are the things he did to me! He didn't have any real friends, never went out, was never spontaneous. Since our split I'm seeing friends and going out and texting all day with people. I realize that I was social and loved and a good friend. He just sucked up all of my time.

I've been resistant to the idea that I was abused or in a bad relationship. I didn't feel that way before his A and I figured if I started reframing our time together as "bad" I was just doing what I needed to cognitively to live with my new, unwanted situation.

But the proof is there that things weren't as great as I thought they were. That's not to say we didn't love eachother and didn't have good times-- but I can see now that I did spackle quite a bit, based on the love we had had over the years and not the present situation. In retrospect, I'd say we have 3-4 really, really good and loving years together and, during the rest, there were serious problems-- with the worst of the problems obviously coming out in the end.

Those 3-4 good years are the thing that I'll mourn-- but there was no guarantee the future would recapture that past. And this may be a little controversial, but I think anyone who is cheated on, deep down, knows it's a dealbreaker. It's just the circumstances of the breakup that dictate whether it's tolerable to stay. But, ultimately, I think I'll be happier for the fresh start.

(( hugs ))


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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