Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Gladiator5 (45339)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When hysterical bonding wears off
loglyn2
♀ New Member
Member # 41396
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we are about 4 weeks out from d-day and working on moving on. WH has been very good with honesty, very affectionate, which he never was before.

I feel like the hugging, kissing, wanting to be physically close to me is starting to wane and I feel really uncomfortable about it. I am so not healed and not ready for this to be swept under the rug. He is either getting comfortable, like dodging a bullet or he's going rogue again. I have found no evidence of him breaking NC.

So how do you deal with things when this period ends.


Me-BS 37
Him-WS 42
Married/together for 20 years
2 kids
PA oct and nov 2013 same woman
Found pictures of them together as well as texts and phone calls.
PA opportunistic one timer 10 years ago just found out now.
Trying to reconcile but angr

Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By only doing what you feel like you can do. By him getting himself into IC and figuring out why it was OK for him to betray you. By you being honest with him about how you are feeling and by him doing the work and taking actions that show that he is in the marriage for the long haul. By being honest with each other.

HB is absolutely lovely while it's happening. But the rollercoaster will go up and down. And both of you need to understand and accept that. Him especially. I know that I had to physically withdraw from my FWH on more than one occasion. And I may have to again, at some point. But if all that's holding you together is sex, then that isn't enough. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am making an effort it keep it going. But I've always had a strong libido (he simply chose to serve his needs himself, while neglecting mine... And when porn/his hand/toys weren't enough, He no longer considered me an option... I guess he convinced himself that sex wasn't my thing... And moved on to a "high end escort"). His libido is also strong, (Sex/porn addict) so, If he pulls away again, I will assume his needs are met elsewhere, and I will be done.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
loglyn2
♀ New Member
Member # 41396
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn't the sex during HB so much as the physical/emotional closeness. He held me a lot, expressed his love in words and touches. He held me tighter then ever before. I just don't want him to shut down again.


Me-BS 37
Him-WS 42
Married/together for 20 years
2 kids
PA oct and nov 2013 same woman
Found pictures of them together as well as texts and phone calls.
PA opportunistic one timer 10 years ago just found out now.
Trying to reconcile but angr

Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he in IC? Are you in MC? Is he out of "the fog?" He may be encountering a lot of guilt about what he has done and is struggling with this. Or he may think he has done his work and he's ready to move on. He needs to understand this is a trauma to you and needs to treat it as such.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
loglyn2
♀ New Member
Member # 41396
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are not in counseling. I have never found it to be effective for me. We are trying to keep communication open and ongoing. He's never been one to talk about feelings, he was raised not to I accepted that a long time ago. This last month he has been more open and communicative then he has been in the 20 years we have been together.


Me-BS 37
Him-WS 42
Married/together for 20 years
2 kids
PA oct and nov 2013 same woman
Found pictures of them together as well as texts and phone calls.
PA opportunistic one timer 10 years ago just found out now.
Trying to reconcile but angr

Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My suggestion is for you guys to read and discuss books about what has happened. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" is one. "After the Affair" is another. "Not Just Friends" is another one that gets mentioned here a lot. From what I have read in the last 9 months, it is VERY difficult to recover from this with professional help, let alone without it. Not saying it can't be done - I'm sure there are people who succeed because they are both willing to do the work - but if it is done it should be done in a healthful, sustainable way for both people. You need to agree on boundaries, etc.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do agree w what WiF wrote. That was a High Cost Behavior (as per the book After the Affair which was mentioned) for me. H had to get himself in there or get his stuff and go. I also go. In the new year we will be adressing some issues - seperate from the A -that I struggle with and cause stress in our marriage.

The bonding wore off after about 4-5 months for us but things are still very good. If H hadn't "owned" it and stepped up every single day we would not be together let alone having a healthy sex life. He has read Aftert the Affair, How to Help Your Spouse Heal and the numerous articles in the Healing Library.

Good luck loglyn2.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.