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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Back to the Plain of Lethal Flatness
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 1st DDay was 4 years ago this week. I've gone through quite a lot since that day. My SAWH is still in IC and a SA group. He's one of those guys whose always helped around the house and with the kids and likes to spend as much time with us as a family as he can. He's working on empathy and communicating his feelings and not falling back to his SA. But with every good step, I feel like there is still no intimacy between us (sexually, spiritually, or emotionally). I just feel done.

I realize that in many ways I have a great H but I'm tired of hoping and waiting for the other side of the infidelity rainbow. You know where you have this new, wonderful M. I believe that M's facing SA take much longer than the usual 3-5 years of healing. But I'm tired of waiting and hoping.

My SAWH knows how I'm feeling. I've told him that I just no longer care and I have a very hard time respecting him. I feel some guilt about expressing those feelings but I just couldn't keep them hidden anymore. I simply don't trust him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust and forgive everything.

At this point, for my kids, I'm fine just living as roommates and parenting partners. But deep inside, it hurts. I want to feel deeply loved, cherished, and connected to another man.

I don't know what to do about how I'm feeling other than the 180 for my own peace of mind.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs gods girl! You've certainly had a lot to deal with. You're wanting to have more of a connection is something I'm dealing with now. I do have peace living here in the plain of lethal flatness. My husband is trying to honey-do list himself back into my good graces. I'm afraid it's too late.
Good luck! I hope some gives you better advice!!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3673 | Registered: Dec 2010
SummerStorm21
♀ Member
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice here either, but a lot of understanding. I could easily be where you are in a few years. I'm pretty much there now. And I think that reality is really hitting home right now and that's why I'm an emotional mess. I can't possibly live this 'grey' life forever. He could though (shivers).

They have a chronic condition. At some point I have to accept that and deal or move on. I know I will eventually move on, if I am correct. I am too loving to live without any affection in return. And I want to do it before the only memories my kids have is of a distant Dad and a sad Mama.

Hugs.


BW

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Summer, just offering hugs to you as well!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3673 | Registered: Dec 2010
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. Holding you in the *LIGHT*


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support ladies!!!!!


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to feel deeply loved, cherished,

I know what you mean right here. My husband is not a SA but I still feel like what he did ruined those feelings you mentioned, I don't feel deeply loved and I don't feel cherished. I feel like a piece of trash that was thrown out and then picked back up again when the shiny new toy broke. I struggle with wondering if I will ever feel that connection again.

((((Godsgirl))))


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past." - I am working on it, but for some reason I frequently find my


Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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