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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do I have the right to ask?
Overwhelmed00
♂ New Member
Member # 41083
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 2 months out from confronting my WS. She's moved out and I filed the papers last week. We're communicating for the kids and for the divorce (finances and such). She's getting psychological help and becoming more honest with herself and beginning to grow up.

I know enough to make my decision and stand by it...but she said the last affair she wanted to get caught and she was throwing it in my face for a long time...yes I know that was her way to try and blame me for not stopping it. It was a co-worker of her's that I had even gone over there to hang out a few times when I wasn't working nights...that's pretty humiliating.

I have an overwhelming need to ask for details on this one. She's admitted to some, but it feels like there's something she's holding back from telling me.

Do I have the right to ask if I've already decided on a divorce?

Why do I even care?


Thanks,
Still Overwhelmed...


Overwhelmed but coping

Me: BS / 40 Father of 2 Boys
Her: WS / 39 Mother / at least 6 Op
Us: Married 18 yrs / Together 23 yrs

Paper worked filed


Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Overwhelmed
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have the right to ask. It isn''t a question of what you have the right to ask, but what you should do in support of your healing.

I would suggest not making your healing dependent on any information or any words she speaks at all. She wanted to get caught by her own admission so even that was an act of manipulation on her part. She may be trying to get help but based on the track record anything she says or does at this point will be to serve her own ends.

I personally did not have very much information about my xww''s A''s. I didn''t need them to make my decision as I knew enough. The rest were simply details. Did I wonder at times about those details? I used to but I learned, at least for me, it was a matter of not needing to ask the question as opposed to getting the answers.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:03 PM, December 1st, 2013 (Sunday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3735 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Putting aside the question of whether you have a right to ask, as well as the question of whether she would tell you anything, let alone something resembling the truth, I have to ask you - what purpose would those details serve, Overwhelmed? Think about that for a while.

I'm someone who needs to understand. Needs the reason behind the equation, KWIM? And I had some similar thoughts when I started on the path to D. Thinking that I just NEEDED to know or I'd never have peace (or something like that).

Here's the thing - closure is a myth. You don't need to hear anything she has to say. Really - you don't. You know your truth. It really is enough. If you still feel the need to know anything about that particular co-worker, my suggestion is to assume the absolute worst, what ever that may be. I did that with wasband. I had nagging questions about some random memories from the very beginning of our marriage that (in hindsight) were red flags. I wanted to know if he was cheating way back then, but I knew I couldn't rely on him to tell me the truth. Even if he did, I would have no way to trust what he was saying. So I decided to accept that he had been. I decided to accept that every red flag from our relationship meant something had happened.

And oddly enough, making those assumptions was FREEING. If I assumed the absolute worst, then I could be sure I had clear margins. I would know that the truth was captured somewhere within those admittedly very broad boundaries. So I knew it was contained. I hope that makes sense?

((((overwhelmed))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25061 | Registered: Aug 2011
Overwhelmed00
♂ New Member
Member # 41083
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nowiknow...

That sounds like exactly what I'm going through. When I caught/confronted her she told me about the others...dating back to our 2nd year together. As you mentioned while I've been sorting through the rubble that is the memories of our marriage, I suspect there were more based off of those random memories of things that didn't make sense at the time, but she has told me there weren't.

I know I can't trust that she's telling me the truth on anything now. Even about the co-worker her story has changed more then once...and I probably wouldn't trust it anyways. By the time I could trust that she's telling me the truth I hope I've moved on from it...seems like both are so far away still.

I'm just like you...I have to understand...I feel like there is something to learn from it. Maybe I'll just learn once and for all it was all a farce and make it easier for me to detach and remain detached. Or maybe I'll learn how to avoid it going further. I guess I am still coming to terms with the fact that none of what she did was about me and there's nothing I need to learn for myself.


Overwhelmed but coping

Me: BS / 40 Father of 2 Boys
Her: WS / 39 Mother / at least 6 Op
Us: Married 18 yrs / Together 23 yrs

Paper worked filed


Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Overwhelmed
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you ask, and by some miracle she actually answers you-- what will that do for you? Will you believe her answers? Will those answers generate healing, or just more questions?

Think about how you will feel to get answers. Then decide if you really truly need them.

Like nik, I thought I needed answers and truth for closure. Ha. Once I wrapped my head around the fact that the Dooosh wouldn't know the truth if it popped out of a giant birthday cake and sang the words, I realized that it didn't matter anyway. I already knew that he had an affair, that we were not going to be fixing this, and that I would be filing for D.

What difference did "the truth and answers" make at that point in MY life and to MY healing?

None. Mostly because I can't trust the spit that comes out of his mouth to even be saliva. It's all lies. I have my truth. He is a cheater, and cheaters lie. What more do I need?

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 11:45 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3555 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NIK nailed it. Especially this:

Here's the thing - closure is a myth. You don't need to hear anything she has to say. Really - you don't. You know your truth. It really is enough. If you still feel the need to know anything about that particular co-worker, my suggestion is to assume the absolute worst, what ever that may be. I did that with wasband. I had nagging questions about some random memories from the very beginning of our marriage that (in hindsight) were red flags. I wanted to know if he was cheating way back then, but I knew I couldn't rely on him to tell me the truth. Even if he did, I would have no way to trust what he was saying. So I decided to accept that he had been. I decided to accept that every red flag from our relationship meant something had happened.

And oddly enough, making those assumptions was FREEING. If I assumed the absolute worst, then I could be sure I had clear margins. I would know that the truth was captured somewhere within those admittedly very broad boundaries. So I knew it was contained. I hope that makes sense?

We've all been where you are brother. I felt humiliated too. I sat next to OWUmpteen at a wedding when I was heavily pregnant. I worked hard to make her feel comfortable because she was so socially awkward. They both sat there and let me do that - completely in the dark about what had been going on for years. She was 24 on DD.

Other OW who I laughed and joked with. He flaunted them right in my face. Everyone but me knew.

It still burns me sometimes but I remind myself that I was not a fool fooled. I was doing what I was supposed to do. My mistake was ignoring the flaming red flags. Hope is a devil of a thing but it doesn't make me a fool. I attributed my qualities to him. I assumed he had them too. That he did not is his failing, not mine.

If he didn't loathe himself so much he would feel the deep humiliation himself. As it stands he doesn't expect or demand redeeming qualities within himself.

But NIK is absolutely right. What you seek you will not find in her. There is no truth there. No integrity. No closure. Just more lies, more half-truths, more hurt.

Resist this urge and hold tight to strict NC. That is the only cure here. I promise you that.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Thefly559
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Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother listen to these great and wise people . People who have walked this path before, not just random counselors, we have all been there. You want answers , I know I did too . She wanted to get caught , I know mine did too. Her guilt made her. " you are pathetic ! How much more abuse can you take" those were her words to me after her getting caught in a hotel room with someone that I still to this day am not sure of the identity of. At first I wanted answers when? How? Who? But I have now come to terms with it all being a lie . 19 years of my life was a lie ! This is easier for me to heal . Any truth I got would be a lie anyway. I and you need to heal ourselves. She has nothing to do with that. She is gone! You need to realize those answers even if remotely true will bring soooo much pain , pain that you will not want to go through. I do understand the need and I have been there next to you. But how I see it is she had an affair, whether with 1 person or many , guy, girl, I knew him , I didn't,more than once.? Who cares , the truth is I will not tolerate any scenario and I married a stranger. So my opinion , although I understand the need , you need to focus on you and just you. Heal first brother then you will see the light. Sorry you are here and wish you the best.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 631 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Overwhelmed00
♂ New Member
Member # 41083
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all! I have had a difficult time finding people that understand me.

SBB...Can I steal this and put it on my mirror, so I can read it every day?

"Hope is a devil of a thing, but it doesn't make me a fool."


Overwhelmed but coping

Me: BS / 40 Father of 2 Boys
Her: WS / 39 Mother / at least 6 Op
Us: Married 18 yrs / Together 23 yrs

Paper worked filed


Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Overwhelmed
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do. It was said to me here when I was where you are now.

Humiliation was my dominant emotion in the early days. Then rage. Then back and forth between the two punctuated by bouts of wailing on the floor.... which made me feel humiliated, then full of rage.

It was a vicious cycle. One I don't think I could have avoided.

The good news? I sit here only a year out from that rock bottom and I feel like a completely different person. I still get sad sometimes but the humiliation and rage have faded - they are just little flashes every now and then.

Please know you ARE going to be OK. You WILL get through this. There's some shit parts to get through first but NC will be your armour.

I remember when I was where you are now someone here said to me "Sometime very soon this won't be something that is happening, it will be something that has happened".

Whilst it is happening there are no words of comfort to soothe you but I can tell you you are not alone and it won't always feel this way.

I didn't believe it either when they said it to me and it kind of pissed me off, TBH. But it is absolutely true.

If you haven't already I urge you to check out the Betrayed Men's Thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) Forum. They've all been where you are now too.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
stronger08
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Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess a better question is "Do you really want to know ?" Its been my experience that a WS will take their secrets to the grave. You need to remember that image is very important to a WS. As fucked up as it sounds they want their image kept intact. Even to the point that they lie to themselves so much they start to believe their own shit. For some strange reason you find out more shit about a person after you D then when your with them. My XWW swore up and down that her A was the first and only. But since my D, people have come forward and confirmed my suspicions of other affairs. And its also possible that she may make up some other stuff to stab you in the heart as a parting shot. Speculation and unverified confessions are just a bunch of babble. Believe what you can confirm and assume the worst. Because no matter how truthful a WS wants to be, its their nature to keep secrets. Part of the pathology of a cheater is to lie and hide. I'm of the camp that a BS never gets 100% of the truth. Even those in R don't have the whole story IMO. But sometimes what you do have is enough, and any further details only add more harm to your situation. That's just my .02 cents.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 5:33 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5615 | Registered: Nov 2007
Overwhelmed00
♂ New Member
Member # 41083
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger...That makes a lot of sense.

Thanks again all!


Overwhelmed but coping

Me: BS / 40 Father of 2 Boys
Her: WS / 39 Mother / at least 6 Op
Us: Married 18 yrs / Together 23 yrs

Paper worked filed


Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Overwhelmed
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the thing - closure is a myth.
^^^TRUTH!

What everyone has said is true. Once I decided to file I just stopped asking because no matter what she said it wasn't going to help and lilkely would only just add further to the hurt. I got past wanting to know more details by assuming everything that came out of my STBXWW's mouth was in fact a lie. At some point I thought, why ask more questions when I have no idea if she is telling me the truth or not. Even if she told me the truth, how on Earth would I know and I always assumed there was even more that she wans't telling me so I let it go. NC equaling no new hurts is the truth and at least in my case it aplied to asking questions as well once I filed for D.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Overwhelmed00
♂ New Member
Member # 41083
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had been asking her all along what all she did.
She offered everything to me. I took a night to (didn't respond to the text) respond and said Ok. She gave me what I believe was everything...More then I knew before including one other relationship that was a long distance ER that I was never aware of...ironically I never heard of the guy until he was dying of lung cancer then she apparently rubbed him in my face until his death.

Either way I've been in a good place since that conversation. I assume there's more I didn't know...but I don't feel that it matters anymore. I'm ready to move on...


Overwhelmed but coping

Me: BS / 40 Father of 2 Boys
Her: WS / 39 Mother / at least 6 Op
Us: Married 18 yrs / Together 23 yrs

Paper worked filed


Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Overwhelmed
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been battling this very question for a year now. I'm convinced STXH will take all the other lies with him to his grave. Being that I found all the other info and confronted him. IC's say the details don't matter. IMO, I deserved the entire truth. He couldn't provide the truth, so we are now seperated. My suspiciouns were all true since the day I met him. God help us all.

I'm not in love with him anymore, I'm over him, but I will admit, I do care. It hurts that I'm not important enough for him to be honest. It's over and I'm still finding more out.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, took me a while, but I learned how to take my questions and just assume the worst and move on. I don't need further proof of what an asswipe he is. I've got plenty, thank you very much.

It's hard when you're going back to the past and worrying and trying to figure out what happened and then flipping to worrying about the future and what will happen next.

Try to stay in the present and focus on today, this hour, this minute. Just try to take the next right step towards your healing. And I don't think any of those healing steps take you to her lying ass face to ask any questions..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Overwhelmed00
♂ New Member
Member # 41083
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to encourage anyone to ask this question, however I do believe my STBXW is truly remorseful for her actions. It doesn't change my decision...as there's just to much pain.

I'm not sure what's harder...her being remorseful or her being hateful. I've seen both sides. Her remorse does make me question if it could work...but I know it can't.

I'm moving on and it feels good...at least for today. I know tomorrow will be another day I'll have to tackle.


Overwhelmed but coping

Me: BS / 40 Father of 2 Boys
Her: WS / 39 Mother / at least 6 Op
Us: Married 18 yrs / Together 23 yrs

Paper worked filed


Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Overwhelmed
Topic Posts: 16

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