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User Topic: What do you do to win back your BS (BS'es welcome)
qwerty2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious as to what some of you have done to win back your BS or help your BS through the hurt.

Apart from the obvious, what have you done that really showed your BS that you are remorseful and you will never hurt them again. I am well aware it is not an on/off switch - i am looking for the bricks to rebuild the foundation of trust.

I will start the list off with the basics ...
1. NC - not OW, Online, etc. Full disclosure if interfacing with any W
2. Transparency - access to everything
3. Communication - not getting defensive, angry.
4. Ownership to the failure of the marriage
5. Counseling - figuring out what got you to this point in the first place.
6. Continuing recovery - books, SI, etc. to assist with the recovery process. This is not an overnight recovery process - but a lifelong process.
7. Repeatedly letting BS now of my Gratitude, Love, Admittance of my actions, Acknowledgment of her pain, my Shame and Remorse, Commitment to her safety.

At her request i ...
1. Write her a daily email about my feelings and thoughts (skipping a day is not an option)
2. Writing her a daily progress report of my recovery (ie. what i read, thought, etc).

Romance ...
1. Try to hug her when she allows me to.
2. Buy her flowers every week (not a subscription - i actually go and get them)
3. Date night if she is willing
4. Gifting - at least once a week
5. Occasional love notes in her car ... i used to do it daily, until i saw them on the floor.
6. Mid-day texts

What are some other creative things that were done, that have helped ....

Thanks in advance.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That all sounds lovely to me

That's pretty much what my H is doing, although you're doing a bit more it's along the same lines.

For me the main thing was the communication and keeping control of his temper and how he speaks to me. I have made that a deal breaker for us. If he starts treating me badly again I will go A or no A.

I don't know your story but the thing I struggle with most is the self esteem thing. Mine is through the floor knowing he had sex with someone younger and slimmer.

He spends a lot of time complimenting me and reassuring me he prefers curves. He shows me as well as tells me.

He tells me everyday how grateful he is to still have me and how he can't believe he nearly threw it all away for some attention and flattery.

The more he says how he can't believe he ever 'stopped seeing me' that he can't believe what a monster he was etc etc the better I feel.

He shows me how glad he is to be with me and how cherished I am and always should have been

Good luck to you, it all sounds good to me.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS the thing that drives me insane is the I don't know why. There is a reason. I didn't make you do it. So I would say being honest even if the truth hurts.


BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with beaverface
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Sep 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbrokeninaz

Forgot that main one! You're quite right.

I didn't get the full truth until yesterday and although it hurt it feels so much better now the holes in his story are filled. I knew the facts but he insisted there was zero physical attraction, he couldn't admit it to himself let alone me when I fell apart every time he tried.

I needed the feelings and thoughts behind his actions not just his actions.

We are now finally working on R, but it's been about 6 months since he admitted to sex after weeks of tt, whereas if we had both been able to face the truth sooner we would be further along by now not just starting on the road to R.

Best thing is probably being guided by your bs, she knows what she needs best.

[This message edited by olwen at 1:29 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have the opportunity to reconcile right after D-day; my XH decided to divorce and didn't approach me about R until 2 years later.

As such, my focus was not on winning him back but on getting healthy, mentally and emotionally, so that I would be a safe partner in a relationship, regardless of with whom.

The steps I took included:

- taking full ownership of the decision to cheat

- discovering "why" I made that decision

- learning to look inward for validation and esteem rather than to other people (specifically other men/relationships)

- developing healthy boundaries and self-confidence that enabled me to say no to situations that conflicted with my values

- related to that last one, reacquainting myself WITH those values and morals that I had let fall by the wayside in my pursuit of a selfish and "me first" lifestyle.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only advice do all of it IF you sincere. If you are not real/sincere then don't bother.

My FWSO did alot at the beginning but it all seemd just to do what I wanted, what I listed. It took time for me to feel his sincerity. I would not be surprised if this is a question you get "Are you just doing this because I ask?"

If you can sincerely answer that, then move forward.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What helps the healing:

**The obvious. End the A. Do not see OP, talk to OP, email OP, look at pictures of OP, say OP's name, text OP. Zero contact. Quit your job if you have to. Move if you have to. Stop going to family gatherings if you have to. Absolutely banish anything and everything that would/could be a trigger for your BS, from your underwear to your vehicle.

1. The truth, the WHOLE truth, nothing BUT the truth. Full disclosure of anything and everything that they ask, without saying, 'Why do you need to know this? How is this helping anything? etc.'

2. No feeling sorry for yourself. Do not say, 'Would you like me just to shoot myself in the face? Would that fix things for you?' if your BS asks a question you don't want to answer.

3. Say clearly, sincerely and often, 'I am so sorry for what I did to you. You did nothing to deserve it. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it. It was my own selfishness, and my own brokenness. I will never forget what I did to you. I will never think it was ok that I did it.'

4. Say, 'I know that this is going to take years to heal. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal. I know that I did this to you. I take responsibility for this pain; whether you stay with me or not, I will do everything I can to make it right for you.' Mean it.

5. Respect your BS as a person; they are more than just your spouse. Their lives should be about more than just healing from your bad choices. Your decision to have an A has impacted their ability to function in every aspect of their lives, in every relationship. Recognize that. Respect that. Encourage them in the things that give them feelings of self-worth.

6. If your BS tells you that they need something, believe them. Do not second guess it. Do not judge it.

7. Figure out why you did what you did, get whatever help you need to fix whatever is broken in you, so that you can be sure never to do it again.

8. Be where you say you're going to be, when you say you're going to be there. If you are not going to be where you said you were going to be, move mountains to communicate that to BS immediately.

9. Avoid saying stupid, triggery, rage-inducing things like, "I worked hard today. I feel entitled to a little time to do my own thing"... unless you wish to be reminded that you had two solid years of entitlement and 'doing your own thing' and now everyone who loves you is suffering the consequences of it.

10. Grand gestures are appreciated, but only if followed up by unwavering daily expressions of steady commitment that are not dependent upon the current mood or 'deservedness' of the BS.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
qwerty2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.
I learned the hard way that there is more to it than just doing 'some' of the things ...

1. There is no 'enough' - there will never be enough. It needs to be a constant .... because my wife is always hurting.

2. Initiative - while what you say (with feeling) is important, i think what you don't say when it may/may not be expected/wanted is way more damaging. I am guilty of not bringing it up verbally - at all.

((PlainPain)) - thank you. I am guilty of a few of your suggestions (#2, #6, #9) and don't do enough of the others. Thank you.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At her request i ...
1. Write her a daily email about my feelings and thoughts (skipping a day is not an option)
2. Writing her a daily progress report of my recovery (ie. what i read, thought, etc).

^^ This is really the most important thing you can do, because of how you began it... "At her request I..." She has told you quite specifically what she wants and needs. Women usually do. We're generally pretty good about saying, "I need you to a, b, c." So, you should be all over that. She wants one paragraph? Write five. It seems that often men think they need to swim channels, climb mountains, cross deserts to prove their love. But really, we don't need you to prove your prowess to us. We need to know that you are stronger than your own desires - that you have mastery over yourself. We need to know that you are there in the day to day mundane, that you will not falter in your devotion to us because you happen to be bored, that you will not abandon us because you feel unappreciated, that you will not choose to humiliate us because you need validation.

I told my H, it is like he threw gas on me and lit me on fire because he needed some light to find something he was looking for. That's a pretty big thing to expect a person to recover from. If you're not willing to do anything and everything that we ask to repair the damage, then you are not worth the pain and the energy and the rehabilitation it is going to take for us to put our trust in you again.

We need to see steady commitment over time, that is not predicated on our responses to it or whether we are deserving of it on any given day.
I gave and gave and gave to my H for YEARS. He did not appreciate it, he did not notice it, he did not value it. He dismissed all my daily words and actions, 'throwing them on the floor of the car', if you will. I kept doing them anyway. I was encouraging him, skipping to the door to meet him, ironing his shirts, sharing my body with him, being kind to his mother - all while he was having an affair, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, exhausting me with efforts to make him love me again. What I need from my H now is for him to demonstrate that he is capable of giving to me, without expecting anything in return. I do not want to have to give him a gold star for doing what he is SUPPOSED to be doing, what he should have been doing the whole time. Where is my gold star? I was given a broken heart, humiliation, 2 BV infections, an OC, shattered dreams and a pain that will never go away.

Words are my primary love language. My H leaves for work at 6:30 in the morning. He gets up at 4:30 every single day. He prays for an hour and reads his Bible. He writes a letter every morning and leaves it on the fridge for me, so that I have something tangible to hold onto while he is at work. If I feel jealous, insecure, overcome by fear, wondering who he's with, who he's talking to, if he's really where he says he is, I can read his letter and I can know exactly where he is at in his thoughts. It is a touch-stone, a comfort, a security for me.

Your W is telling you what she needs in order to heal - she is telling you very specifically that what she needs is for you DAILY to COMMUNICATE with her about what is going on inside of you. It is really the most intimate thing that you can do for her... give YOURSELF to her, make yourself vulnerable to her, share your insides with her.
One of the things that a BS feels is exposed. We feel like we have been played for a fool - WS and AP knew that we were a fool, but we didn't. AP knew things about our marriage and our spouse that we didn't. Our marriage and its brokenness were exposed to the AP, but not to us. We don't know what you told them about us. Sometimes we imagine you lying next to them in bed talking and sharing the deep secrets of your heart that you never shared with anyone else - everything we wish you would share us. It is nothing if not humiliating.

Your wife is telling you that what she needs from you is to have her place and power back. She wants you to TALK to her about your FEELINGS. She wants you to demonstrate a willingness to be vulnerable with her, evidence that you are actively thinking about her and your marriage, that you are examining and reflecting on your choices and thought patterns, that you are giving her the truth openly without having to be asked.

It's not swimming the English Channel, but if you can look at those letters she is asking for with the same passion, determination, effort, commitment, you may just make it to the other side. If you stop half-way because you don't feel like it anymore, chances are good that you'll drown.

I sincerely wish you the best in your efforts. I have forgiven my H for things I would have never imagined I could forgive him for. It's possible to heal, I know it is.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition to the non-negotiable stuff that folks have already listed (NC, remorse, IC, etc), the key is to really understand what your BS wants and respond to it. I don't really care about letters or flowers (although they're nice). What I really, truly appreciate is the fact that WH is now really trying to do his bit around the house.

I HATE housework. I wish I were built differently, but I unfortunately get really annoyed and resentful when I get a lego stuck to the bottom of my foot, or see a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. During the A and when WH was traveling so much, I did it ALL. Not just housework, but everything to do with running the household. (And yes, I work FT at a pretty stressful job.) In any case, the thing that WH has done that I appreciate the most is that he is really, really doing his bit around the house. He gets up early and, sure, he has a coffee and watches the news. BUT he also empties the dishwasher and gets things going for the day. And wakes me up with a latte. There were certain things that he just didn't do before -- scrub pans or put DD's clothes away. Now he's doing them. And I know he doesn't much like doing it, either. (We really need an Alice.) Even better, he's even initiating some stuff, like bill-paying, rather than waiting for me to remind him what needs to be done. Now he's actually retrieving bills from the pile and paying them without me asking! Hallejah!

This means a lot to me, because it addresses something that triggers me -- the feeling I had that during the A I was being a chump, doing all the shitwork and being taken for granted. It's not very romantic at all -- it's literally about getting your hands dirty and doing unglamorous shit. And that's why it's more romantic, in fact, than anything.

[This message edited by Blobette at 3:34 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Camille87
♀ New Member
Member # 41252
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's the little things on a daily basis that matter. Certainly grand gestures are welcome and will overwhelm us in a good way but if the little daily things aren't there then the grand gestures appear to be attempts at a quick fix.

Random hugs or kisses or compliments when we least expect them or when it's obvious we are hurting!

Speak about what you look forward to in the future in the marriage. Plans for what you want to do when the kids leave, when you retire, when there are grandkids. Heck! Even how much you look forward to spending this Saturday night with her snuggling on the couch and watching a movie by the fire!

BS's feel like they were dumped in the trash and replaced in their spouse's heart by someone who was "better." We feel our value was forgotten. Our contributions as a spouse was not good enough and even who we are a person just didn't measure up in the eyes of the person we valued the most in our life. We need constant reassurance. Don't get tired of giving and don't retreat when we are obviously hurting.

Also would like to say that anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath anger is pure pain. Don't retreat from anger. After the anger subsides come back!


Me: BS--42
FWH--45 (recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder)
(Two kids: a teen & a tween)
Married 20 years
R in progress
D-day: Nov 17, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I ever wanted was the truth, some sorrow, and an apology. I only got 2 out of the 3. And, the truth is what I wanted most. Sometimes, it's just not in the cards. I left him, not because of the cheating, but because of his inability to tell the truth.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
BrokenMomof2
♀ Member
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have mainly appreciated my WH showing me, not just telling me he will change. Completely transparency, talking about his feelings (that is a big one for him), going to MC/IC, etc...

After the A we talked more and deeper then we had in years. I expressed things that he had always done that had bothered me (Nothing major, just little things that I learned to let go because you pick your battles when your married) and after that talk I noticed him about to do one of these things, out of habit, and then catching himself and pulling back. Really listening to me.

And last night I was having a rough time and he sat next to me and said, There is a lot of compromising in marriage, but I have lost all right to compromise until you forgive me. Until then my priority in life is to do everything you need and want to be make you happy and help you heal. I loved hearing that


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The obvious. End the A. Do not see OP, talk to OP, email OP, look at pictures of OP, say OP's name, text OP. Zero contact. Quit your job if you have to. Move if you have to. Stop going to family gatherings if you have to. Absolutely banish anything and everything that would/could be a trigger for your BS, from your underwear to your vehicle.


1. The truth, the WHOLE truth, nothing BUT the truth. Full disclosure of anything and everything that they ask, without saying, 'Why do you need to know this? How is this helping anything? etc.'

2. No feeling sorry for yourself. Do not say, 'Would you like me just to shoot myself in the face? Would that fix things for you?' if your BS asks a question you don't want to answer.

3. Say clearly, sincerely and often, 'I am so sorry for what I did to you. You did nothing to deserve it. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it. It was my own selfishness, and my own brokenness. I will never forget what I did to you. I will never think it was ok that I did it.'

4. Say, 'I know that this is going to take years to heal. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal. I know that I did this to you. I take responsibility for this pain; whether you stay with me or not, I will do everything I can to make it right for you.' Mean it.

5. Respect your BS as a person; they are more than just your spouse. Their lives should be about more than just healing from your bad choices. Your decision to have an A has impacted their ability to function in every aspect of their lives, in every relationship. Recognize that. Respect that. Encourage them in the things that give them feelings of self-worth.

6. If your BS tells you that they need something, believe them. Do not second guess it. Do not judge it.

7. Figure out why you did what you did, get whatever help you need to fix whatever is broken in you, so that you can be sure never to do it again.

8. Be where you say you're going to be, when you say you're going to be there. If you are not going to be where you said you were going to be, move mountains to communicate that to BS immediately.

9. Avoid saying stupid, triggery, rage-inducing things like, "I worked hard today. I feel entitled to a little time to do my own thing"... unless you wish to be reminded that you had two solid years of entitlement and 'doing your own thing' and now everyone who loves you is suffering the consequences of it.

10. Grand gestures are appreciated, but only if followed up by unwavering daily expressions of steady commitment that are not dependent upon the current mood or 'deservedness' of the BS.

I agree with every word of this! My WS has unfortunately struggled with 2,5,&6. He also had a hard time maintaining NC for awhile.

I don't have any Do's to add but I do have a list of Don'ts.

Don't accuse your BS of being unfaithful unless you are absolutely sure they have been.

Don't ask if your BS loves you constantly from or whether or not your BS is committed to the marriage.

And don't ask for a pat on the back for things you SHOULD have done all along.



Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 14

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