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User Topic: don't know where to turn...need guidance!
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your kind words and support.

I don't know how to deal with these thoughts of wanting to fix things with OM. I just want to run to him right now. It's taking everything in me not to. I told him the truth and he hates me. Hell, I hate me right now. Logically this is crazy that I'm mourning for a man that left me numerous times for his ex, over and over. It's such a vicious cycle. My head is spinning and I'm making no sense. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Thank god for my children.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you, lilbug20. Keep going, you'll feel a tiny bit stronger with every baby step.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No today is even worse. I can't control the crying. I just feel like dying n I can't do this.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lilbug,

Two things that I see about you right off the bat. You are a conflict avoider and people pleaser. Even if you have to lie to the person to not hurt their feelings..you will do it.
No.1

You have lied to both men.

No.2
You're lies have made you to believe that you don't really love your BH. Although you keep stating you do.

No.3
You keep pining for an unhealthy relationship with the OM who has left you many times for his ex and you keep running back to that.

How many times has your BH left you for his ex?

Your BH knows you are cheating on him. He knows it. That is why you have distance.

You are not fully available to him because you are INFATUATED with another man.

OM will tell you anything to get what they want.
House and car? Sure..they will say they will get it.

You have kids? Sure they will say they love kids to get what they want.

you may say "He's not like that" But he is because despite how much you pursued him..he still should have said no..not until you are divorced.

And do you love him enough to not lie to him?

Nope..you have lied to him for your own reasons. For your own gain.

There is no love in that. Love does not seek to fulfill it's own, love seeks to fulfill others and it is returned in kind.

You will need to tell your BH the truth.

You will need to switch jobs or transfer because you have to go full NC with this OM.

I commend you for telling the OM the truth

Now do the same to your Bh.

Some people say not to tell, to live with the guilt.

That is still not fair because you do not live by yourself.

You live with a life partner you vowed to share your life with.

An affair is just as much a part of his life as it is yours.
You brought a third person into a union meant for two. His life has been affected by it...the distance you two have now is also a result of your affair.

His porn addiction will have to be addressed and he will have to see and take note how much it hurts you.

But before that..you have to remove the elephant in the room. The affair.
If he leaves when you tell him..then that's his decision to make.

It is not fair for you to make his life decision on something he already suspects you of.

Just be honest for once with him..be truthful

It could start a whole new beginning in your marriage


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Om transferred out of my job location a month ago. So that's one less worry.

Your correct. I do try to please other's and avoid conflict.

I can't confess till after the holidays. I just can't do that to the kids and ruin their Christmas.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Lillbug,
You took the best step all around. You told OM the truth & broke it off.

So now.....hubby doesn't know about your A, does he? How about just spending some time working on YOU & YOUR MARRIAGE for a bit before deciding if or when to drop the bomb?

Dedicate yourself to "finding" your marriage again & being there for your BS?!?! You can tell him later if you want (or not.....& please everyone, don't start in on that comment)but you began the whole process of fixing your errors by cutting off ties with OM, so way to go!!! That was a big step to take & I am proud of you for stepping up to the plate & doing what needed done.

I know you may miss OM terribly, but don't you feel good inside as well, knowing you FINALLY took that 1st step to becoming a better person & spouse???

Hang in there......don't contact him!!! Give your marriage a chance without him in the pic skewing your feelings up & then go from there!!!

Sending hugs your way!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you omg for your kind words. I'm trying to get thru the next hour before I think about anything else. I'm still such an emotional wreck, feeling like I just lost the love of my life and that my life now has no meaning. I am no good at dealing with this heart ache.

I know everyone has said it's not my choice to tell BH or not since he has a right to know, but I honestly can't help but think that he's going to feel what I'm feeling right now and probably worse and therefore I'm wanting to save him from that and not tell. I'd rather suffer with guilt then have him feel half of the heart ache I feel.

I know that's wrong. I haven't made my mind up since I'm to emotional right now...but I just want to shield him from this. He don't deserve it.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He don't deserve it.

No he doesn't. But he does deserve the truth.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
confetticheck
♂ New Member
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd rather suffer with guilt then have him feel half of the heart ache I feel.

You are trying to make this sound like you are more concerned with him than you.

I don't think that's true. You are scared for yourself. Own it.

Listen. As I told you before, DDay will suck. BAD. Like worse than anything youve ever experienced.

BUT. I am happy now. Not like just ok, like better than ever in my life.

Go for it. Make yourself real. It is an understatement to say that it is hard and it hurts. But it is so worth it.

Let go of all the pros and cons of which person you should be with. That is not the point anymore. Do this to be real. And once you are real you will be able to see where you belong.


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still such an emotional wreck, feeling like I just lost the love of my life and that my life now has no meaning. I am no good at dealing with this heart ache.

I promise you this will pass. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Many of us can relate. Please ride this pain you are experiencing. Distract yourself. DON'T CONTACT HIM. Stay with this awful feelings and ride THROUGH them. You may feel like your life is worthless without him but it's not.

Hang in there.
ps. Check your PM


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I am scared for myself, but I am genuinely concerned how it will affect BH. I wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone.

BH was snapped out of his distant mood somehow. That only lasted that Sat. He's neck to his normal self...so this is my question. How is it better to fill him in on things and totally devastate him when he's happy. As long as I'm affectionate with him...He's truly happy. With om gone from the pic that is possible up gain again I suppose. If my Bh stays happy and all is good, I recover and stay on track...wouldn't it be kinder to spare him? Insight appreciated. I'm not saying I won't tell him, I'm just exploring the ignorance is bliss theory.

As far as my emotional self goes..I thought today would be less painful. I was wrong. It's still just as bad. I am still desperately longing for my AP. I'd give just about anything to see him one last time..no worries of that though. It'll never happen. I don't think I'm strong enough to cope with these feelings. I'm just not. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to fall into a deep sleep and never wake.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Lillbug,

I don't want this comment to start a whole bunch of commenting & T/J'ing, so SI'ers, please understand that sometimes it doesn't always fit every scenario to open up & tell. For MANY reasons. And that doesn't mean we WS are necessarily selfish or bad people. But let's please keep the posts to Lillbug's thread & not start going off on my "sometimes OK not to tell comments coming up". K???

We can't judge people because they want to keep their secret, learn from it & repair themselves & their marriage. Or continue semi-harassing them about how right it is to tell, ect.

We all know that technically it is the "right" thing to do!!!

BUT.......in my circumstance & to be very brief, back in 2008 my BH & I were in an "in-home" separation due to him not working for over 2 years but he wouldn't leave the home. But I was done & wanted out of the marriage.

During this time, I ended up having an EA/PA with a co-worker. It ended & my BH got a job & eventually we repaired our marriage, etc.

I have lived with the guilt but yet still wonder to myself.....am I really, truly a WW since I wanted a divorce, we were "kind-of" separated, etc., etc. My answer to myself is YES.

But to this day I have NEVER told & NEVER will!!!
And I will NEVER do it again!!!

My BH & I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary recently & we are once again happily married & have been for several years.

He recently commented after seeing a Dr. Ruth article on-line that said somewhat the effect of......"if you had a past affair that has nothing to do with your marriage today, you realized it was a mistake & will never do it again......don't tell now. Why bomb the boat when it is no longer a part of the marriage, so to speak. He commented that he totally agreed & that "he didn't want to ever know".

So sometimes, it just doesn't always fit in to every sitch to tell.

How about we give Lillbug some credit & support for just having broke off contact with the OM & step away from the "dday's acomin" , "time to confess" comments for now. Huh??

Let's continue her support of staying NC with OM & give her time to decide if telling is really the thing for her or something she actually wants to do.

She knows we all think it is the right thing to do, (myself included) because BS are given no decisions about their life & marriage when they are left in the dark. But it just doesn't always fit "inside the box" for every situation.

Another BUT for you Lillbug.......I did go to counseling & have worked to "repair" myself so that I know I will not stray again. You will need to fix yourself as well whether you confess or not. You need to seek some IC & figure it all out. Your IC can also help you address your feelings about confessing or not.

We are here for you either way, so never be afraid to tell us your decisions. Hang in there though about OM. Fix your marriage....or not if that is what it comes down to for you.....but at least then you will know it was not with OM in the picture.

And if or when you do decide to confess, we are here to help walk you through everything then too.

How bout you try & find some of that "old" closeness to your husband. Go back through your wedding album, dating pics, or pics of happy times in your marriage & you may be surprised how it can "resurrect" some of your feelings for your marriage.

Just "be strong & continue on" for now!!!
Sending many hugs your way!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lillibug

It is great that you have ended the affair. When I confessed to my BH, I did if on my own timeline... I went to counselling first. I posted here for a while. Read a few books.. When I had the strength to confess, I did. It wasn't pretty or easy but the relief was unbelievable. The feeling of being real to my husband is like no other. Only you know when, how and if you will confess. Keep posting here and it will be a life saver.

Not everyone has good advice here but I have seen you get some fantastic support.

Sorry I have to T/j to OMG6886: may I ask why you are on SI? Are you still reeling from the betrayal by your deceased husband and need support as a BS? Or do you feel like you have hidden problems from your old affair in 2008 that you have claimed to have healed from. I'm getting mixed feelings about your posts. You don't have a story on here, haven't really introduced yourself with needing help or anything.. You post freely on the JFO or on wayward threads with stop signs. Now you are claiming to be healed from your old affair. I'm calling you out. NO YOU ARENT!! If you were, why are you on an infidelity site?

End T/j

Lillibug.. Please consider the sources of the advice. OMG is not healed and gave you weak advice about confessing or not. Maybe you won't confess. But that's something you will have to live with for the rest of your life and worrying that maybe BH will find out from another source. Living in fear would be awful. I see hope for you. Get your life back! Love yourself again. Keep going with NC. That was a big first step


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 806 | Registered: Jul 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him the truth and he hates me.

^^ Thinking AP hated me, because I outed him to his wife, is what kept me from contacting AP in those early weeks when I was missing him fiercely. Embarrassed now to admit, it was more the fear of AP retaliating (outing me to my BH, for breaking NC) that kept me from reaching out to AP, than loyalty to my BH. So if he hates you, embrace that for now. It may help you get through withdrawal. And you can. As hard as it is to believe now, there will come a time when an hour, and then a few hours, and then a day passes when you don't think of AP.

lillbug20, I'm late to your thread, but I am proud of you, and I have faith in you! If you need to table the idea of confessing to your BH right now, personally I'm fine with you taking a brief break from agonizing over that. Revisit that idea soon, but for now, get over AP. And actively look for the good in your BH. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Hug your children and remind yourself how much better off they'll be, growing up in an intact household. How much happier you'll be, growing old with your husband.

t/j

Usually on SI, OM means "the man with whom my wife had an affair". Waywards usually use AP or "affair partner". No biggie, we know what you mean, but we do love our abbreviations around here

end t/j


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She-Ra...

It was our oversight that OMG was posting in JFO, it has been clarified to her in Admin email that she must only post from a WS view point and no longer in the JFO forum


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197296 | Registered: May 2002
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She-ra,

To answer your ?'s.....first I am almost done with my profile story, but I have to edit as it is a book with 2 stories involved.

I came to SI for the BS side, as last August I found info that confirmed my XWH had an affair that I had asked him about, oh, so many times years before.

It confused me on why it even mattered as I have obviously moved on & got remarried, etc. I mean, hell, the man has been dead for over 10 years. But it brought so much back from that time, that if felt new to me & confused the hell out of me as to why to bothered me so much.

Then.......before finding out the confirmation of XWH's affair, I had a brief affair on my BH#2 back in 2008, which I explained a bit in my previous post & that I now feel I can NEVER tell about due to my BH's comment about "I don't want to know". (this comment came after me finding SI & thinking I needed to confess & work through it all....the perfect opportunity arose, & he then made that comment)

I know he knows something but I think he looks at it as we were not doing well, were doing the in-home separation, I wanted an actual divorce, etc, so truly does not want to know about it. But he knew "of" this person, had met the OM, etc. So I believe he "knows" but doesn't want to know, KWIM?

And yes, I was corrected that I cannot post in the JFO, as I was not aware of it since I have the WW side as well as the BW side. So here I am now on the wayward side.

I have a thread set to post about certain things, but wanted to finish my profile story first to avoid questions. (but I can type very fast so when I looked back at it, it was WAY too long without cutting it down.)

So as not to continue T/J'ing Lillbugs thread, I feel like I am stuck in lala/limbo land with my secret & my dead XWH's recently confirmed affair but have yet to truly address them & will not be able to address them with anyone besides a BFF & my IC.

BTW.....my IC just shakes her head & tells me...."you are most definitely a unique case for me", etc. But she is very good & has helped me tremendously work through most of my issues.

So.....look forward to everyone's input very soon on my sitch when I post.

Lillbug....hang in there & stay strong about OM!!! (and sorry for the T/J'ing of your thread)


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is t/j?

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j = thread jack

It is when the conversation goes off course to something else


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I thought but wanted to double check.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you need to table the idea of confessing to your BH right now, personally I'm fine with you taking a brief break from agonizing over that. Revisit that idea soon, but for now, get over AP. And actively look for the good in your BH. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place.

Totally agree with this... This is what is needed right now.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
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