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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: don't know where to turn...need guidance!
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, right there with "trying3".

Baby steps day by day!!!

Stay strong, Lillbug!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I slipped. I majorly messed up, but I think it may end up being a blessing in disguise.

Last I left off I had ended it with Ap and he was no longer talking to me so there was the NC. WRONG! Two days later, he texted ,me and I couldn't resist. I still was having gut wrenching emotions for him. I still wanted to be with him so bad. To the point I was preparing to leave my BH and be with him. Anyhow, we texted, fixed things between us...then two days later it blew up again, we ended it...then back together. I had found out that last week withtin the same day of us ending things, he went and slept with his ex. I forgave him for that, after all who am I to judge for cheating . We tried to move forward after that mess, he was in process of buying us a house so we could be together blah blah blah. Yesterday I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop the double life and set things straight and make it work with my BH.I knew it was going to be extremely hard...since I really did love AP.
I ended things. Last night. This morning I was fighting these heart broken I wanna die feelings again. By noon I found out that he is already back with his Ex and not only that....shes moving into the house that WE were supposed to live in together. ( Little backstory, he has been going back and fourth between her and I for a yr now. I was too blinded to see things clearly and tell im to F off....then again....im just as bad as he is right
) MY punishment....the house they are buying its on a street that I have to drive by every single day. A miniute down the road from my own house. I deserve it. Its my own fault.
As bad as all this is, its really opened my eyes and helped to lift the fog that AP really don't love me otherwise he couldn't just run back to her so fast.

Now to salvage my marriage. I juts don't know what to do. I know to come clean..but im not ready for that today. IM still foggy to where I don't know if I really do love my BH or just feel like I don't because of AP. IM beyond confused. I don't know up from down right now. I would love to go to IC but that's not possible at the moment because of finances. Any helpful insight or 2x4's much appreciated right now


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops double post

[This message edited by lillbug20 at 12:55 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you deleted the app? Have you blocked his number? Have eliminated every single way he could get in touch with you?

You cannot leave NC up to him. It has to be YOUR will that begins to break the neural connections that associate him with love and feeling good.

I am really glad that you are beginning to get some clarity that what has been going on between you and AP has not been any form of love.

Take the steps of ensuring absolute NC right now. It's something you can do this moment that will support your bid for wholeness rather than a fractured existence. Let us know how it goes.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lillibug,

I'm late to your thread but I really feel for you. I remember those days of being foggy and feeling broken hearted and lost over my AP. Things are sooooo sooooo much better for me now even though I didn't think it was possible back then. They aren't perfect, just better, and I continue to make progress.

I don't think you miss the AP as much as you think. I think you miss the chemical hit of the A. And I suspect you lack the ability to self soothe. You will need to learn and practice new coping mechanisms to get through this. I had a rough time with withdrawal from the AP (or from the A is probably more accurate). Abandonment and rejection played a big role for me because the A was discovered by my APs BW first and he threw me under the bus. I had to learn to self soothe and to control my thoughts. I ended up putting a rubber band on my wrist and every time I had a thought of the AP I would pop it HARD. That helped.

The thing that washed away the rest of my withdrawal was when I told my BH about the A and saw the pain I and my AP had inflicted on my BH. That was awful and gut wrenching but it was the first big step to me being able to feel like an honest and decent person again. I love the word authentic. I love "authentic now"'s user name. I am now working ever single day to always be authentic and that feels good.

This is awful, scary, painful stuff you are dealing with but you are at a crossroads right now. You have an opportunity to make right choices and get on the road to feeling good about yourself. To become a strong healthy woman who can teach her children to live with integrity so they can be happy and feel good about themselves too. Choose wisely. We are here for you. We want you to be happy and healthy.

Keep reading and posting. Feel free to PM me anytime too.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't deleted the app just. But I will do so. He won't be contacting me. He's been with her and will soon be moving her into Edgar was supposed to be our house. I guess that shows he never loved me, but I still am very much in love with him as sick as that is. I just wish I'd get over him and stop feeling like this. Seeing them at the house every day isn't going to help any. This is exactly what I deserve though. I created this mess.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until you tell your BH, and this is a 2x4, you're wasting our time....and most sadly, yours.

This house with your AP you keep referring to that was "supposed to be my/our house" is not some castle on a hill. He's not a prince. Your not a princess. And you two together wasn't love or a fairy tale. That house is a house of lies. Of deceit. A place for broken people to live broken dreams.

And the house you DO live in, with your betrayed husband and kids, IS broken because of YOU. You are absent. You are cheating on everyone in your house...especially yourself.

Your words paint a selfish portrait.

And until you tell your BH, I believe you cannot and will not change. Haven't you had enough? You must be exhausted.

IMHO. And feeling sad for you.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 4:30 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lilibug,

He's been with her and will soon be moving her into Edgar was supposed to be our house. I guess that shows he never loved me, but I still am very much in love with him as sick as that is. I just wish I'd get over him and stop feeling like this. Seeing them at the house every day isn't going to help any. This is exactly what I deserve though. I created this mess.

Gently, you are feeling sorry for yourself. Open your eyes to the harm you have done to your BH, your children, AND yourself. As jd said, you are absent from your family. Your energy is all tied up in this unhealthy obsession. Discipline your thoughts and divert yourself by doing loving caring actions that keep you present in the moment with you BH and your kids. I know you feel like dying would be better right now but that is not an option.

How old are your kids? Tell us about them and let's think of some things you can do to be present and loving for them and your BH.

I found the more I showed loving actions for my BH the more my heart overflowed with love for him like never before. It was powerful. Try it.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't deleted the app just. But I will do so. He won't be contacting me.

You said this before. And he contacted you. And you responded. DELETE IT NOW. Take charge.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The app is deleted. I know for fact he won't be contacting me this time because this time he's moving her in. Him and I are done for good.

You are correct,,I have been selfish. I know this,, I'm trying to correct it. I just don't know how to over come this feeling of love for AP. It makes me feel as if I never really loved BH. I want so badly to be in love with Bh and be the family he deserves.

My son will turn 10 on Christmas day. My middle daughter is 7 & my youngest daughter is 22 months. Looking back thought this summer I have wasted so much time and energy on AP I feel like I only went thru the motions with them. I've lost precious time with them. I'm a horrible person and they all deserve better.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a horrible person

Rephrase to "I have behaved horribly." Making horribleness somehow innate to you is not helpful and it's also not true. Your behaviors have been horrible.
they all deserve better

Yes. Now you can choose different behaviors, wholesome behaviors, truly loving behaviors. Just being focused on your family instead of dealing with all the energy-sucking drama of the affair will be an improvement for them. It's a start.

One thing I read early on that helped me was that when people feel like they are not getting enough from their relationship it is often because they are not putting much into it. In other words, the grass is not greenest on the other side of the fence. It is greenest where you water it. This was very true in my case. I suspect it is true in yours.

Good job on finally deleting the app. You can do this. You will get much support here. In a year you could be giving advice to some other wayward struggling with your current situation and have this part of it behind you. But you have to go through it. There's no way around. The way out of this mess is through.


Edited for comma extraction.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 7:06 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Lill, how are you doing today?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a horrible person and they all deserve better.

Like EvolvingSoul said rephrase this. You made horrible choices. You behaved horribly. If you were a horrible person you wouldn't be here trying to do something about it.

You want to lose the feelings for your AP. I promise you this will happen if you follow the advise here. Some day soon you will realize that what you are feeling for him is not love. Maintain mental no contact. Do not let your mind go there. Don't fantasize or reminisce. You can do this.

I'd like to extend a challenge to you. I'm doing it too.

There are ten days left in 2013 including today. Finish off this year by giving a gift of love each day (no monetary value) to each one of your precious children and your BH. Write what you do for each in your journal and how you felt about doing it and if there was a response/reaction. Pay attention to any changes in attitude over the next 10 days. If they ask you what you are doing tell them. Your kids may want to do it too. Help them to journal there journey. Call it an experiment.

Let's end up 2013 with something positive and loving.

Love is an action. If you want to feel love for your BH do the actions. Try acts of service. Just something each day. Iron a shirt for him. Fix him something he likes to eat and bring it to him. Write him a note telling him something you admire or appreciate about him. Clean out his car. Whatever you think he would like. Do the same for your kids. Also do something loving for yourself each day. Tell yourself something good about you, give yourself credit for a good choice, go for a walk. Whatever but show yourself some love too.

Let us know how you're doing. We care.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still filled with emotions and extreme anxiety. I keep trying to push thoughts of AP out of my head the second they enter bit it's extremely hard. Everything seems to trigger a thought and memory. Everything. I'm trying to focus on my family and trying to stay busy but it's just not working. I spent last night with BH watching a movie. I still has to battle thoughts, though it was nice for a moment.
It's been twenty four hours of NC and the app being deleted. I thought today would be easier that's yesterday but it's just not.


Any tips to help me stop obsessing over AP...to stop having memories pop up every other minute? It's exhausting and heart breaking.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lill,

I bumped two threads for you. Maia's withdrawal survival guide...I think you may have read it already but just in case it helped me a lot. Also a thread where another member was going through what you're going through (hopeless hopeful) read the replies she got. I read them when I was going through it and it helped. I actually did the rubberband thing.

You can do this. It WILL get better just keep going.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I will look into both threads. Anything is worth ridding this I wanna die feeling:(

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Lill,

It's a process. It took time for your brain to become wired as it is now and it will take time to rewire it. On my D-day I was totally convinced that AP and I were star-crossed lovers, soul mates, etc. I told you a while ago I would share something from my journal in those early days, so here it is. I was flying back from being at my parents' house for a week, trying to figure my shit out, whether I would try to fix things with BS or leave him for AP. This was a couple of weeks before final NC. I was very ignorant of the true nature of infidelity.

THEN (June 2010)

Sadness. Guilt. Fear. The triple crown of emotions -- goes to anxiety. It's mostly present right now, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like a slow adrenaline drip that can't be turned off.

Interacting with people not a part of this helps. Then, for a little while, I can almost pretend things are okay, normal. When I retreat into silence, my stomach sinks and tears well up. Hot, sharp grief comes in a jagged wave.

Last night it was horrible. Body wracking sobs into my pillow, trying not to wake anyone up. I begged for help, from God, the universe, any higher power because I am falling, flailing, nothing to hang onto.

Any of this sound familiar? This is normal for where you are. You just have to bear it. It will get better. I was not in the position of still lying when I was going through this so at least I did not have to try to act normal in front of BH. He was a mess too. We both were. I found SI about a week later. I started learning about the true nature of infidelity and its effects on the brain.

It will get better. This is genuine withdrawal. Seriously consider taking knightsbff's suggestion to heart about the acts of service for your family and yourself. You have a lot of work to do but starting with the low hanging fruit of just doing something nice for the people in your life who deserve your loyalty is a great start.

You can do this. You can. You will get much support here.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
lillbug20
♀ New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your feelings are exactly what i feel. I keep trying to tell myself that it really isn't love, but my heart just won't believe it.

I am truly ashamed to say that I have been just going thru the motions of being a mom this past yr. I've been so consumed with AP that though my body was there, my mind and heart wasn't. That is a sickening thought to come to terms with. I'm trying to use that a some motivation to get over this and better a better mom and wife.

The adrenaline drip really hit home. I wish u could turn it off. My body needs a break. About the only time I get relief from everything is reading this forum. It really helps. Everyone's responses really help. I'm so thankful to of found this group!


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lill, you have a PM.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About the only time I get relief from everything is reading this forum. It really helps.

I think part of that feeling of relief is that you are not having to lie to us. We know the truth, we have lived what you are going through and you are able to be authentic here. Knowing that can be a motivation to get to a place where you are not lying to anyone in your life, including yourself.

You can do it. Keep posting. People here will support you. Strength and courage to you, my fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
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