[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 5:15 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]
Riding shotgun down the avalanche.
Ive read over the threads you bumped. I did take some tid bits from both. Ill take anything I can get at this point. I think I could eventually get AP out of my head and move on if I didn't have to SEE a reminder of him every single day of my life. He no longer works at my job...but I have to drive past his new house with his new ( ex) GF every single day. Every day ill be slapped in the face with reminders of what happened, what I did to my poor BH and what I felt I had lost...as twisted as that sounds. I hate that I have to see his house. I close my eyes when I drive by it now and he hasn't even moved in yet. I can only imagine when both cars are parked outside.
I have decided today that im going to find a puppy for our family. Our current dog is getting up there in age and my children would be ecstatic to have a puppy around. I have began my search and have actually found it to be a great distraction. MY mind is getting a break from obsessing over AP...at least for now. Its nice to feel "normal" for a little while. Anyone want to help me find a pup?!
[This message edited by lillbug20 at 12:11 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]
Presumably at some point you will tell your BS the truth. After that, you and he sharing the same reality will probably have more influence on how you are feeling than the proximity of AP's house or who he is living with. Still, your focus on how awful you feel at the prospect of being triggered every day in the future might give you a glimpse of the feelings your BS would have been dealing with had you actually moved yourself and your children into that house. Can you now imagine it from his perspective? That is the kind of thinking that will be helpful for you to develop. Empathy. Really being able to see things from his perspective. This was a huge challenge for me.
You've taken the first steps onto the path. There are many of us ahead and there will be many of us behind you. We try to help each other. You can do this.
Welcome to the community. :)
Oh and I think it was knightsbff that bumped those threads.
I have been trying to get my thoughts in order. Trying to soul search to find out what went wrong within myself. Reading all I can and trying to figure out how to confess.
I've had NC with AP...until he texted my main number two days ago. It really caught me off guard. He was asking what to do with my belongings left at his house. I had already told him to throw it all away. So..I made the mistake of texting back and reminding him that I've already told him to pitch it. Within minutes conversation started. I was very nasty to him...Trying to prevent any nice conversation. I should've blocked him right then and there. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked at the app...He has been texting for the past two days and when I didn't respond because the app was deleted he texted my main number.
Anyhow, he texted me for about foyr hours and stupid me replied back, enabling him to keep going. I was curious, but mostly I missed it. I missed him. Fast forward to yesterday. He started texting me at seven am. It lasted all day long. Till eleven pm. He was so sad saying he missed me even threatening suicide talking of running his car into a tree etc. Saying he wasn't happy with her etc etc etc. Our mutual friend has texted me to saying how distraught AP was and he was worried about him. I fell for it and kept texting, worried he might really do something stupid, and partly because yrs I'm stupid and missed him. I never once gave in yo him and his plea to get back together. I held strong on that part. I did worse though...I allowed myself to fantasize.
The ring he had bought me was brought up,, he said he had returned it. I asked if he was going to give it to his gf. He said no. By eleven that night he was saying we could've been together that night and he wished things were different...All while he was at the bar with her. That was the last text I got.
This morning a mutual friend told me that he had proposed her at midnight. She accepted. He did this on the night that he had planned on proposing to me (another sick fantasy) .
So as much as that stings...I'm in a way glad. Now I feel as if I can really get him off my mind. I guess closure if you please. The realization that he can go from one girl to the next like that....but who am I to talk :(
As far as BH and I...I've been trying to fake it till I make it. I'm trying to be more emotionally attached to him. Sadly I just can't get my heart to attach to him in a physical way. Example, he tried kissing me at midnight, I pulled away and made a face without exec realizing it. I'm seriously praying I only feel like this because AP is still fresh on my head. I hope I can feel for him like I once did. The passion and desire to be close to him etc. Right now I only feel as he's a companion...not a lover.
I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. A long hard road that I'm willing to travel. I owe it to my Bh and children to fix the mess I've made. I owe BH the truth..which he will grrr a soon as I can get things so untangled in my head.
My puppy on the other hand helped to take thoughts of ap out of my head. Worked so well until he popped back up. I feel like I just can't make any progress. one step forward two steps back.
As wayward's, we put off that "pain" cos we know it's going to hurt bad. Why would we voluntarily go through pain?? Seems absurd doesn't it??
You are going to HAVE to go through withdrawal lilbug, there's no other way around it unfortunately.
You indulged in the sexting because it kept you away from hurt just for those little few extra hours. It's still there waiting for you.
Withdrawal is hard but has to be done. Wayward's are cowards by definition. We don't want to face the consequences of our behaviour. We wish we could just go on through life merrily without having to face any uncomfortablness.. after all we deserve it right????
Your ONLY task right now is to maintain NC. Ok you messed up by breaking NC this time, but start again now.
I can honestly say I'm not as hurt so thought I would be. I'm coming along ok with the withdraw...at least I think.
I did have a harsh slap of reality last night. I believe this has really whipped my head out of the fog for sure. As I was getting ready for work, I opened a notebook to get some paper for my son. Upon opening I found a letter my BH had written months back. A journal entry (he refuses to talk about things saying it never helps so what's the point).
This entry broke my heart into a million pieces. I knew he was upset and knew things were off...but my selfish self was to blindsided to see how much he was really hurting. He had thoughts of leaving me but stayed for the children. He wrote about how I wouldn't even look at him or touch him and just pushed him away. I for the first time, can see things from his point of view. How could I have ever been so cold hearted to this man that has devoted his life to making me happy. I can't believe I have become this type of person. I don't know what went wrong. I was raised better than this...I have always been the people pleasing, kind hearted, do for anyone kind of person yet here I stand hurting the one person that should be held above all. And all for another man who could so easily replace me. I'm so so foolish.
At this point I could care less what AP does or is. I have blocked him from my main number and deleted the app. Mutual friends have been instructed to keep mention of him away from me. My main focus now is what should have always been...my husband. I am determined to fix things. Since I ended it with AP two weeks ago my BH has been seemingly happy just at the fact that I'm more home with him, no more fake excuses to leave, were spending time together etc. I mentioned the letter to him and he said that was written a while back. I asked why he never told me, but he just shrugged it off. He absolutely hates talking about things..stems from his childhood and parents Divorce in which led to his forced therapy. The childhood therapy had him convinced talking does no good. That's a whole different story.
So here I sit, out of the fog and slapped with reality. Reality of what a monster I've been, how much I hurt someone...and possibly just destroyed my family . I would've never dreamed I'd be on this site dealing with these problems. If only I could find where I went so wrong
[This message edited by lillbug20 at 10:10 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]
It's a process. There will be difficult times ahead but you will get much support here.