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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Truth
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^THIS. To me it wasn't the A that killed my love for him, it was his fuckery that followed.

Another +1 here! I don't know what kind of beast from hell turned up after he cheated but that MF'er was..excuse me IS evil! I don't understand how he could hide that monster for so long.

I care less for him now than he ever cared for me. But it took time. I no longer miss the mask I fell in love with.

Be gentle with yourself. I know it feels like everything has blown up but trust me, the pieces all start falling into place and you finally see the puzzle for what it is. A mask. Once you've seen under it you are the enemy. He can't stand the thought of his false self image being threatened by what you are just starting to see.

He is showing you who he is - believe him.

:::Standing ovation:::


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, you did us all proud. It is the truth. They can not bear the burden of what they have done so they blame us, the faithful, the trusting, the honest, the victims.

We are made to be the worst spouses on the world, yet none of them, not one ever had a single reason to leave the marriages until they got caught doing something so unbelievably wrong, immoral and degrading to themselves and everyone around them.

I am so very glad that you are able to see so clearly not what you've lost, what he has lost.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got back from the Registry of Deeds office. I dropped off my quit claim deed that gives me the house. I should be dancing for joy since the mortgage is exclusively in his name. But Iím not happy. I almost started crying when I handed over the paperwork. That house was ours, now Iím going to have to work at making it mine.

Heís starting to text me at night, telling me it sucks sleeping alone. I told him to call his girlfriend. Iím thinking he needs to get better at groveling than booty-calling. My only guess is sheís trying to make it work with her husband, if she has any brains at all. Maybe thatís why my STBXH is sniffing around my door. Maybe heís trying to keep me around until he finds a suitable replacement, but Iím not biting.

He asks me how the pets are, and gives me unhappy face and ďIím sorryĒ. Or ďI miss thatĒ. Or ďYou really get me.Ē He asks me if Iím warm enough at night. Not once has he really begged for forgiveness and asked for reconciliation. I donít even know who the fuck he is.

I hate all of this. When he comes and picks up the rest of his crap tomorrow, I will put up a brave front and act happy and calm, after he leaves Iím sure Iíll fall apart. But then Iíll just have to keep going. I think after tomorrow, it will be a lot easier to maintain no contact, because thereís nothing to really talk about until the divorce gets rolling. Heís got his life. I have whatís left of mine, and I get to rebuild. I have no fucking energy at the moment. Iíve already designated December my weepy month. After the new year, Iíll get back out there with tentative little steps and try to figure out what the fuck it will take to make me happy again.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength for tomorrow, honey. ((((lola))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lean into the pain when it gets bad honey.

I promise it won't always feel this way.

Sending you all the strength I can muster.

((Lola7))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I think the best thing about this site is that your sweet comments force me to cry when I otherwise won't allow myself too. I probably need to do it more. lol

Here's me right now. ------>

Thank you for helping me, I'm so glad I'm not alone.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I survived him coming over quite nicely. I busied myself while he carried out more of his stuff. There was no drama, thank you Xanax, and I was feeling pretty good.

Then today, in a text message I had to send asking about money he owes me, it finally came up that he actually went ahead and filed on me Friday.

Once he lowered the boom and told me he filed, I initially recoiled a bit. But now that I know that this ball really is rolling, itís kind of freeing. I can kind of look ahead now because I have a definite starting point. I can get financial aid to finish school, I can see a faint glimmer of my future. I can stay busy between school and the gym. I can pick up the phone and call someone to have dinner with me. All of this scares the shit out of me, but I have to go forward.

Itís here. This is happening. I am accepting it. Iím still breathing. Iím still alive. I am making it through this.

This website is packed with stories of heartbreak, ruin and betrayal. I am definitely not alone in this. And I am eternally grateful for the support I get from this place. It truly keeps me centered, and pulls me out of my own body, so I can look at my situation from a distance, as if its two separate people involved. I am learning to focus forward instead of backward. I donít feel like I spend too much time rehashing what I may have done wrong, even if itís written in my journals. I donít blame myself for any of it. Our demise is all on him.

I have to remember that when his indifference hits me, that this behavior is not unique to me. Every single thing heís done since this began is text book wayward spouse, runaway husband bullshit. Every single statement, his behavior, right down to bootie calls and trying to make himself out to be either the victim, or the hero for ďhelpingĒ me out financially. His attempts to rewrite our marriage, his silly frivolous explanations of why he did it; itís all comes from a thoroughly worn path of every other cheater out there. Heís not a special snowflake. Heís going to spend the rest of his life doing this to people. Heíll keep giving away houses, destroying families, and breaking promises all in his eternal conquest to find out what makes him happy. The good thing is, I wonít be around for him to do it to me again. I only feel sorry for the next person he winds up with. But not the whore, I expect sheíll get her heart ripped out too. Enjoy bitch.

I forced myself to cry this morning. I did feel better afterward. Iím allowing myself to feel the pain of all this, at least as I ride out whatís left of 2013. Iím not feeling very social at the moment anyway, so Iím not going to feel bad because Iím not out whooping it up like he is. This isnít a race and Iím not in competition with him.

When all is said and done, and the divorce papers are signed, I'll be the one left standing. He'll be the one trying to grasp the life he had in his 20's, taking penis supplements, and kidding himself that all of this was really worth it.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 1:08 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by Lola7 at 7:52 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breathe through it honey - I can't tell you how many 3.30am's I've been up for in the last two years.

The fear was absolutely, horrifyingly crippling. Please listen to me when I tell you that the fear itself is worse than that which you fear. So much worse.

Fear is what held me hostage by my own hand, what told me to lie to myself and keep tolerating unbelievably poor treatment, emotional abuse, flaunting his betrayals in my face but behind my back. Giving me just enough glimpses to set me off kilter but not enough to smash my rose-coloured glasses.

It left me feeling like I was going crazy. It is the very definition of gas lighting.

I've been right where you are. I almost didn't have children for fear of being a single mum. This is literally my worst nightmare - it has happened. I still have a hard time believing it. I've accepted that it will never make sense because it is nonsensical.

Every single thing heís done since this began is text book wayward spouse, runaway husband bullshit.

it all comes from a thoroughly worn path of every other cheater out there.

Exactly right. I had an epiphany a little ways down this road: he was ALWAYS going to cheat on his wife - no matter who the poor sod was. Always. I was just unlucky enough to have been that poor sod. It was incredibly hard to accept but also freeing in many ways.

Do not contact him. Post here, write as many letters as you like then burn them.

He is gone, friend. The man you loved and married is gone. There is nothing you can say or do to wake him up or make him 'see'. The biggest lies are the ones he tells himself. He is choosing to be blind.

Its not called a roller coaster for nothing. I hate this fucking roller coaster. Breathe through the dips - get through them without breaking NC and a peak will come. The dips get further apart and lessen in intensity the further along you are.

Right now you don't need to do anything but get through this next minute, this next hour. The rest will sort itself out.

I promise you it won't always hurt this bad. You won't always be this afraid.

((((Lola))))

[This message edited by SBB at 6:51 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right, and that's good advice. I really need to stop worrying about EVERYTHING and just focus on sleeping, eating and making it to work. I have so much on my mind from losing the house, the dog, everything. If it actually happens, I'll have to survive it. I won't have a choice.

All I have to do is sleep,eat, and go to work.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to "chime in" and say thanks for the great thread Lola7 - I can relate to all of it and what great advice from everyone!

I will definitely be following/rereading this thread...


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lola7)))

Things are moving fast for you as they did for me. I just want to say how proud of you we all are.

I was doing Christmas cards yesterday and I had to go through my old text messages to look up friends' addresses. I took a moment to read through them, especially ones that occurred close to my d day and significant markers in my process. I was amazed at how far I've come so far. Know that you are doing everything right. Know that it will get better. There will be down times but they won't last forever.

Keep fighting girl. We got your back


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've come to the conclusion that my STXH is a sick fuck. I now know what the word "evil" means. Like the villian from a Disney movie.

Lola, it's going to be ok, sweetie. You need to dig deep and find that wonder woman shirt of yours.

I just started anti-depressants and boy am I thankful!! I"m no longer sobbing for the pain STXH has caused me. I am making myself eat, clean, cook, and be happy. I WANT to be happy. It's not my fault he was fucked up. And, it's not your fault, either. xoxo


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This roller coaster everyone talks about; she is a bitch. I think because I know those divorce papers are coming, I was especially keyed up all day at work. I was lucky in that I had a lot to do, so I was able to make it through the day mostly occupied with my regular duties. By the time I made it home though, I cried for two hours straight. My 95 lb dog crawled up in my lap and put his head on my shoulder, which of course really makes me really lose it because heís so fucking sweet. He knows Mommy has issues right now. Dogs are so great.

I know it makes no difference, but I wanted to be the one to file first damn it! I guess it doesnít matter; heís doing me a favor pushing things along; I just donít know it yet.

Oh, but one bright spot, this is the first time since DDay I didnít cringe when I got home. Itís really starting to feel like itís mine now. (It should, since I cry here enough. Lol) I donít know if Iíll be able to stay here or not, but Iím not going to worry about that now. If itís meant to be, it will be.

You guys are the best, truly.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 5:49 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to think I wanted the "honor" of filing but I'm past that. Let her deal with it. I sure as hell don't want to drive and park downtown and deal with that shit. Plus in my state the filing party has to show up for judgement. Let her deal with that shit. That's my motto now


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refused to file. Fuck him - it is his fraud to complete, not mine.

Let him be the one to run around, get the right forms, fill them out, write my name, DOB, other info, pay the fee, lodge the damn thing.

The only situation in which I would lodge it myself would be if he didn't want to D. I'd blindside him with papers out of the blue - making sure the fucker didn't see it coming.

I haven't been his wife for almost 18m now - I don't give a rats arse what the law says.

Ironic that I value the D perhaps less than he valued the M.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola -- take a breath. It is okay and it will be okay. You'll get the papers and then you'll deal with it. Yes, him filing sucks and probably feels like a kick *on his way out*....but in the end -- it really doesn't matter *who* filed. If he was dick enough to file D papers on you, then he would have just continued to make your life a living hell until you filed. From someone whose original Dday was a long-ass time ago and STILL isn't divorced...one day, you will be glad that it has finally been set in motion.

Self-talk will be critical for you in the upcoming days. You cannot *deal* with this from a normal point of reference. 'Normal' people do not treat their spouse's or stbx's in the way that your WH has treated you. It sucks to realize that you were being treated as a *toy* when you thought that you were just living life, kwim? But that knowledge is also the fuel that will get you through this.

Do you really wanna put all your eggs in the basket of a person who can tell you that your 11 years together means *nothing*?

Lola. Fuck.That.Guy. ANTICIPATE the arrival of those darn D papers.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:49 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm falling down a rabbit hole . . .

I found out more information and I really wish I didn't. I really don't think I can take anymore.

It's possible that this thing wasn't just two months, but maybe more. I don't know how to process this. I really don't.

My first reaction was to throw out more of his stuff, but then I realized that there isn't much left to throw out. He has taken most of his things already. So I regressed to throwing shit out from the pantry that only he ate. I can't hit anything, I'm too shocked to cry; My DD is here and I don't want to do that in front of her. My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type.

If I didn't have her, I don't think I could take another day. Just when I think I'm accepting all that has happened, just when I think I might be finally reaching the worst of it, I find something else out. Every single day it's something else, and if it's not something else, my mind wakes me up at night to tell me there's more, or tricks me into thinking that nothing happened at all. It isn't until I'm awake for a few minutes to realize the nightmare isn't a nightmare at all, but reality. I'm starting to think God has it in for me.

I really don't know how to rebuild from all this. I'm so utterly fucking raw. Who the fuck is going to want me after all this? I'm damaged. If you were a man actually interested in me, and you said you loved me, I'd never believe it. I'd ruin it before it even started.

I'm so tired of crying, I'm tired of coming here and whining, I'm tired of my friends trying to understand. I don't have a very close family. They don't know what to say to me. They try, but we are all so fucking broken because of how we all grew up. I'm just so, utterly exhausted.

I know we will be divorcing. I'm still waiting for the papers to be presented to me by some smiling jerk that hands me a pen. Sorry about your life, bitch. I'm to the point I won't fight for anything, and will end up losing what we worked so hard for because everything is what we had together.

And I know this post is pathetic because that's how I feel. Pathetic.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 5:45 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lola7)))

You will survive. I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it. My therapist told me once "feelings aren't optional." What is optional is how you respond. You are strong and intelligent. Time really will help. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep reaching out. Try to be in the moment and enjoy the little things. The past is the past, the future is yours to do whatever you choose with it.

We are here for you. We understand and will fight along Side you.

[This message edited by sunsetslost at 7:37 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing. You seem to be a logical, rational thinker. I'm the same way. It took me a while to realize the emotional process was beyond my control. My brain said: Circumstance 1took place. Analyze the possible outcomes. She's made the decision for us so get the checklist. Do steps 1-12, then you'll be healed and ready to move on. It simply doesn't work that way. Keep doing steps 1-12, but know the heart will take time to heal


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
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