I'm just a girl on a message board. I can't say all this stuff to my friends. They'd run away or have me committed.
I'm trying so hard to keep going but I see my feet slowing down . . . If I slow down any further, I don't know what will happen.
Everything is being ripped away. I can't do anything to stop this. I can't say anything to him. He was my husband and my best friend and I can't say the same things to other people that I said to him.
I'm sorry, I'm venting. I'm got tears on my keyboard like an idiot. God I just what all this to go away.
Please go and see your doctor - they may be able to prescribe something that will help you get through this traumatic part.
Reach out - you might be surprised. I isolated myself all throughout that M and False R and for a few months after S. I didn't want anyone to see me in the state I was in. I was humiliated and I felt so pathetic. Truth is I wasn't - I had just been emotionally gang bashed. I was raw, bleeding, in a daze.
I felt like the earth was swallowing me whole.
One of my first steps was to ask a friend to hug me. Not ask me anything or offer any words of comfort - just hug me please.
We hugged for almost an hour. I sobbed and wailed in her arms. Messy, angry, frightened sobs. She held me tight. It is what I needed at that time. I'm sure it scared her but she was there for me - she still is now.
Just over a year out from that headspace and I sit here wincing reading your posts - I remember it so vividly at these times. I can't for the life of me work out how THAT guy led to me feeling this way. It feels like a lifetime ago.
Please, don't try to do this alone. We all need support. You won't feel this way forever.
There are no shortcuts - believe me, I looked.
YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU WILL DO THIS. At first because you have no other choice but later because you want to.
[This message edited by SBB at 3:04 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
Remember that everything you are feeling ... all the shitty emotions ... it's all TEMPORARY!!
Little by little, it won't hurt as much or as long. Keep posting. We are here for you.
Take a few deep breaths, then take some more. Go back to that place you were at a few days ago where you had that "freeing" feeling. As sad as you feel right now just know that this guy just did you the biggest favor he could have done by setting you free. His baggage is way too much for you to carry.
I know you are in pain and hurting. Its OK. You are mourning the life you thought you had. I good IC I feel is critical to help you through this, I hope you have one and take advantage of it. we are here for you.
let me add my voice to the chorus of those who have been there, done that, got the shitty t-shirt.
Everything you are feeling is normal, and THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I promise.
There is no getting over the pain, you have to go through the pain.
You are processing the magnitude of the evil that has been done to you. An evil that you did nothing to to deserve, which makes it all the more difficult to wrap your mind around.
Go back and read your first post in this thread. It contains all you need to know about your fuckhead of a WH. Read it again and again until it sticks. You have that clarity inside you, it just can't be heard right now over the massive waterfall of shit that WH has poured on you.
We are here for you. You don't have to be strong right now, you just have to be. One breath at a time.
And, I would like to beat the living snot out of WH. What a total POS. FUCK THAT GUY!
Translation: you divorced me and I'm shocked because I didn't think you would go through with it and now I'm realizing that I really don't like this new life on my own. I never imagined I would get caught. The plan was to have you, our family and my girlfriend. Now you have gone and ruined it.
Precisely. I got this, after I dared to finally follow through and file: (said in snarl when I offered to help pack her shit)
"You don't get to make all the decisions!"
Whether she will not like her new life with AP and baby remains to be seen. One thing is certain: it's not what she wanted, which was a husband and a boyfriend. I ruined her plan. How dare I.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
The point is, I still have my sad moments, I still cry at night sometimes, I still get angry and I still do things that I think are pathetic like allowing WS to hug me and say he misses me (and ask if I've missed him!) when he comes over to the house.
You are not pathetic, and it's ok to be scared. Your friends may surprise you...I bet they won't run away or have you committed. I bet they'll understand more than you think, and surprise you with their kindness. That's what has happened to me.
As horrible as this is, knowing how loved I am by so many (except WS, who thinks he still loves me but wouldn't know how to show true love if it hit him over the head with a hammer) is wonderfully strengthening. I didn't have that comfort until I began telling people what was happening, and suddenly the messages started pouring in, the hugs, and the compliments (you're so brave, you're doing so well, you look great, etc.).
Like everybody else, he reminds me this is all brand new so that's why I'm reacting all over the place. Last night was the worst though.
I do talk to my friends about all this; but I don't want to be a broken record. I guess I clammed up after the "don't worry you'll find someone else" comment. Woah. No, but thanks. I haven't even found me yet. (I'm in here somewhere.)
Your IRL friends may not get some of this stuff and that's ok. We've got your back when it comes to understanding the infidelity-specific stuff. I'm sure they have your best interests at heart, honey - they just lack experience with this stuff. It might help if you use their support in very targeted ways. My friends were awesome with the logistical stuff - finding a new place to live, helping me sort and pack, getting me out of the house, etc. Maybe there are specific places/ways you could use direct their help?
Hang in there, honey. (((((Lola)))))
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
I guess I clammed up after the "don't worry you'll find someone else" comment. Woah. No, but thanks. I haven't even found me yet. (I'm in here somewhere.)
Ditto, friend. Ditto. I did exactly the same thing. What I learned is I had to tell them what I needed because they seriously had NFI. "Chin up, sunshine" just doesn't cut it when it feels like the world has been turned on its axis. Embracing my vulnerability has been one of the delightful surprises out of this mess - I too attributed vulnerability with weakness thanks to my FOO. Truth is you can be strong and vulnerable at the same time - that's the look I'm going for these days.
Hold on tight, its a bumpy ride. But there are vast blue skies ahead - it takes time, detachment and healing to get there. NC is your armour right now, please remember that.
Today is the first day I'm starting to have panic attacks. My heart is racing, I can't focus, my hands are sweaty, and my stomach is all messed up. The only thing I can do is breathe.
I'm still expecting him to serve me sometime this week; Knowing him he'll do it at my job. That should be fun.
I sat up all night crying and having panic attacks about what I'm going to do. This morning, I called my lawyer and a refi guy, and then I called him and completely lost it. I cried and sobbed and wailed. I have never done this before. He apologized, tried to explain that he just wants me to work with him on everything, and he wonít take anything from me. He just wants the divorce to go through smooth. He has detached for sure, but he does at least feel bad. I mean, as bad as heís capable of feeling. He apologized a million times and really seemed regretful though.
I guess I blew my SI advice regarding NC, but we're not reconciling so screw it. It felt good to cry and at least get acknowledgment that I am devastated over here and he is the cause of it. Itís not going to change anything though; full steam ahead with my divorce. At least now he knows I really didnít see this coming and he knows how bad this has messed me up.
He called back about an hour later to ask if I was alright, and of course, I respond with more sobs. He apologized again. He said he knew talking to him right now wasn't helping me and we hung up.
We've only cried on the phone once since this happened when we considered holding off on the divorce for a split second, then I called that idea off almost immediately. But this, this was nothing compared to that time. This was full on wailing sobs. I think I scared him. Ha
This is much harder when youíre still in love with the person whoís divorcing you. Damn.
This is much harder when youíre still in love with the person whoís divorcing you.
It sure is, Lola. In my case I am divorcing her, but it is still brutal and a terrible trauma. I suspect it is that much worse when your spouse is the one divorcing you. It is abandonment on top of abandonment.
Speaking of which, if I can recommend one book that has helped me it is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. For this is where our deep anguish arises: we have been abandoned. Our reaction comes from a deep primal well, when abandonment meant possible death. This our brain is struggling mightily against it. I am not trying to devalue your (or my) love for your husband, but I personally found that it is helpful to understand the biology and psychology behind it. It forced me to perceive the depth of my pain and despair more objectively.
As the others have said (and if you are familiar with my thread, particularly my early days, which is where you are now) No Contact is imperative to your healing. If you fall off, as you will, and as I did over and over (yes, breaking down into sobs in front of her), get right back on the horse. Over and over and over. Your love for him is a drug. (Again, not trying to diminish it.) Cold turkey is the only route. And of course it is the most painful.
Scream, cry, curl up in a ball and sob it out. You are in deep grief. It is normal. But don't go back to the drug. Resist with all your strength. And you have strength. As time goes by, you will realize this more and more.
Hold strong, Lola.
It's important to him that other people don't think he's a complete monster, so I'm confident he'll back me on those financial issues now. If it helps ease his conscience, I'll take it, because it will help me get back on my feet as well.
I don't plan on doing it again. I said everything I needed to say. I haven't stopped crying for the last 4 hours though. I'm trying not to pull all these other fears into this, I'm just trying to mourn the death of my marriage. I don't want to even think of him being with someone else, me dating again, me on my own again. I can't handle all that other stuff now. It's so hard not dragging it all into the same pile.
I'll check out the book, thank you. :) I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get past this nightmare. Everyone says I will survive it, but right now it's bottomless. I don't want to just survive it, I want to be happy again. This is so fucking hard.
Gently, I don't think you feel better because you let it out, you feel better because you got some small crumb of validation from him. If you keep talking to him you're going to keep yourself in this limbo hell and trust me on this - it gets worse, so much worse.
I received all the same promises and I also hoped to see even a glimpse of the man I thought I married. He cured me of this affliction by his extreme fuckery. He reneged on every single promise he ever made me - the more hurt I was the more he turned the screws. Talking to him gave him all the ammo he needed and he used it against me time and time again.
A second ADs book recommendation.
I've never had a panic attack in my life. I've been through some horrific things. My FOO involved a hopeless drug addict and abuser. My husband cheating on me was nowhere near the worst thing that has happened to me - not even close.
Yet it was the thing that gave me the first panic attacks of my life. I had a total of 3 and they scared the shit out of me. I knew right then and there that I was on the path of turning into my mother. I still wasn't ready to stick to full NC until I fell a little lower.
I know you feel all alone right now and nobody knows how you feel or how much you feel it but please know I have been where you are now - lots of us have.
We all reach our point of DONE at different times. I hope you reach yours soon.
I wanted to clarify something because I know I'm all over the place. Both our lawyers are working together now, so there's no reason I need to talk to him. Because of our financial situation I am confident he will do what he says, if only because he will royally screw himself if he doesn't. And like I said, he likes to be the hero so he will do what he said. It's all documented. And worse case scenario, if he still doesn't, I'll survive. I won't have a choice.
I have no intention of speaking to him again, but like I said, I am glad that I lost it on the phone. It was a small crumb of validation and that's fine. That's all I can expect from a small crumb of a person. I have never done this to him before and I won't do it again.
At least now I know where I stand. I know he's detached. I know this thing is really over. I don't feel like I gave up anything telling him how I felt because I needed it out there. He knows what he's done to me. It's not going to bring him back, and it sure won't stop him from fucking over the next person. Believe me - I don't expect him to start beating on my door begging for forgiveness tonight. It's over. I just couldn't be this cold black monolith anymore. I had to say the things I said. Not for him, but for me.
But I do so much appreciate all your kind advice and everyone's I get here. It really has saved my life and I love you guys for it. :)
I bought that book Abbondad recommended too. :) I haven't got that far into it, but what I've read so far is pretty amazing . . .
I barely made it through each day. I still don't sleep. Sometimes, a feather can knock me over. The shock of it all. The layers of deception. The life I lived that wasn't real. How he used my trust and love for manipulation, cheating, lies, lies, lies. For what?
But Lola, it's been over four months since we separated and I will never go back to him. Never. I kept waiting for him to make me feel that love I first felt. It never happened. I don't have to live like that anymore. Lola, minute by minute. Then hour by hour. Then day by day. Before you know it, you will wake up one day and realize your first thought wasn't about him.
Know you are loved. Know it. Feel it. Rejoice in it. Then accept that you are not loved by him. Not anymore. Not the way you want it or need it. It wasn't healthy with him. He did not honor you. So you have to honor yourself.
I swear I thought I would never feel better. People on here kept saying I would. And they're right. You will feel better Lola. At first in small doses. Then longer. Then.....you will live every moment and be thankful you no longer have to endure that pain.
Living with the suspicion was horrible. DDay was devastating. False R destroyed me. I thought divorcing him would kill me. Now I realize it is giving me the chance to live in peace, with honor, and integrity. Values I hold dear.
It's a long journey, but one you must take.
It's worth it Lola. You're worth it..
D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012