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Newest Member: brierpatch (45434)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I "opened the door"
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and it screeched open maybe a half a crack.

Don't swing the 2x4. Just hear me out.

My parental units are as messed up as flipping lifetime for me to "see the light". They don't understand. They think I've lost my mind. I'm rebellious, I'm disrespectful, my husband is brainwashing me, I'm influencing my sister to be bad, take your pick. There's a whole host of lines you can pick from.

Hey, it's gotta be hard to be dysfunctional, not know it, and have someone stand up, rock the boat, and say, "Chill the heck out or I'm bailing out completely." Shoot, the thought of boundaries and guidelines scared the heart and soul out of me back in the day. Put me in a blind panic. Why? Because I didn't understand them and saw something "new" as "bad".

I've really been struggling with standing up for myself but yet knowing that my parents really don't understand and are blind sided by my rebellion.

I see the tantrums for what they are. But I also see that they're throwing them because they legitimately do not see, nor do they understand, nor will they probably never comprehend why I'm doing what I'm doing. Kinda like a foggy WS that just doesn't "get it".

So I've been stewing. What do I do? Do I just be the "bigger person" and text her? Do I be the one to break down and say something? After all, they don't have a friggin' clue. They never will. Do I just buckle down and make the "first move"?

Then I get angry because dang it, why do I have to? I'm not the bad guy. I'm actually trying to help us all. Why do I have to be the bigger person when I didn't do anything wrong to begin with!?

Today I found a half ounce of courage (or crazy, depends how you look at it) and texted a simple message to Mother. I have boundaries, she doesn't, as long as she doesn't cross my line, and if she does, chase her off my lawn. Well, it turned into a fishing, pity me, grovel back to me, why did you have to rock the boat, thing on her side.

With each message I got, I was able to see the real message in it, (fishing, PA, tantrum) and respond in a quiet, loving way that said, "I'm not taking this tantrum package from you. It's yours. I love you, but I won't tolerate your garbage." message right back.

I got the whole, "You have to open the door" line. (I cannot tell you how much I hate that phrase right now.) Hello????? I opened the door by texting you out of the clear blue. YOU have to make the choice to walk thru it. But I'll be danged if I reach thru and drag you out. Ain't happening. No how, no way.

I left that sucker in her lap and she went silent. And I'm cool with that. I tried. I let her know she's loved, that I would like a relationship with boundaries with her. That "ball is in her court". (another phrase I hate) In the meanwhile I'm wearing hooker heels and short skirts and being all evil and stuff.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're doing great Aubrie!

I'm takin notes.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't a 2x4. This is me talking to you AND my inner me who wants to do the same thing from time to time.

Ok, you opened the door. You poked the hornet's nest with a padded, pink, fluffy olive branch and lo and behold the hornets still acted like hornets. Now close down the olive branch shop.

Every 6 months I get this crazy urge to open the door with the IL's. Luckily I have a fleet of counselors and Crazz to belt up the straight jacket and lob me in the closet till I come back to my senses.

You can't change her outlook. They're not going to "hear" you. You can't make them understand. She's not going to come back to you with good news, and if she PRETENDS that she is willing to hear you out rest assured that the sheep's clothing is going to come off in a matter of time. We love our family, but we are codependent too much on them. We care on some subatomic level about what they think about us, and it's only going to make us miserable because we will never be the person they want us to be if they want us to be anyone but ourselves.

I will hold an icepack to your sweet noggin every time you bang your head against this wall, but I'd rather you read Dr. Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" and learn how to detach.


(((Aubrie)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17889 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Aubrie))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,

It's funny because I'm getting the urge lately to 'open the door' with my sister. My IC told me a long time ago, when I was getting my fabulous back and learning all these wonderful, healthy communication and living in truth tools , she told me that just because I'm learning and growing doesn't mean my sister is. It doesn't mean she is on board and if I am going to have a relationship with her I need to accept that.

That worked for me for awhile, and I was accepting crumbs from her as far as our relationship, and finally I just got angry, I had had enough. So I told her last February and we haven't spoken since.

I'm sad over it. I'm sad that I have a sister yet I don't have a sister. What a waste, right?

I'm at a standstill now. Who knows what the future will hold.

I think you're doing great. You're asserting your boundaries and your self awareness is blooming. Keep at it!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38190 | Registered: Sep 2007
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razzie,

You can't change her outlook. They're not going to "hear" you. You can't make them understand. She's not going to come back to you with good news,
Believe me, I totally 100% completely understand this. My thing is, we're what? A month and a half into this. Since the worthless "family meeting" I've talked to her exactly two times. You know and I know that she's throwing a tantrum and expects me to drop my feelings and hurts and fix her.

Someone asked me why we have this awkward stand-off. If I know where my boundaries are, all I can do is try once a couple times to see how it goes. Try to talk to her. If I'm met with a tantrum, walk away. If she cannot fake it for the sake of seeing her grandkids or whatever, fine. I'm done and walk away.

I'm in the weird "try and see what happens" phase. I'm fully aware that the chances of her compromising are slim to nil. She proved that yesterday. All I could do was try with my shields and boundaries high and my gun set to stun.

I am reading Toxic Parents. And there has been alot of information there. I'm actually kind of struggling thru that to be honest. Because I know my parents are not as bad as most of the horrific tales in there. My crap seems like a toothache compared to those horrors. So I struggle with whining about parental units that didn't physically or sexually abuse me. Yes, faulty thinking, stop minimizing, etc. Trying to!

I'm learning and growing doesn't mean my sister is. It doesn't mean she is on board and if I am going to have a relationship with her I need to accept that.
Which I recognize. Guess I am just grasping for crumbs right now. Kind of pathetic when you put it that way.

*shrug* Guess all I can do is try. If/when it doesn't stick, I will be ok knowing I tried everything I could and I did my best.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've really been struggling with standing up for myself but yet knowing that my parents really don't understand and are blind sided by my rebellion.

Shouldn't the goal of every parent be to raise a child who is capable of functioning independently? Standing on their own two feet? My greatest joy as a parent comes when my kids are able to adapt and overcome obstacles on their own. Sure, there are a lot of things that I could criticize because they're not doing it the *right*(read my ) way, but that's the point. They are *doing* it. Quite often succeeding even though they did it the *wrong*(read their ) way.

Parents should want their kids to fly. Do their best to instill in them the ability to do so and then let them go. Not tie rocks to their legs.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3022 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then I get angry because dang it, why do I have to? I'm not the bad guy. I'm actually trying to help us all. Why do I have to be the bigger person when I didn't do anything wrong to begin with!?

You got angry because you know, at a gut level, that your parents aren't going to change. I hope hope HOPE that I'm wrong, but the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior- face it, they've had a A LOT of years to perfect their crazy.

And it sucks SO bad. For you. For your precious little ones. For the traditions that are being relegated to the trash heap for now during this holiday season. For QS who has to manage his emotions from the difficulties of the last couple of years (you guys are doing swimmingly, btw!) AND his emotions about the FOO. For the Aubrie that believes that SHE has to be the one to "stuff it" to fix things with that FOO.

Because that's what she's always done. She fixed things.

My gosh, it sucks, and my heart aches for you as you navigate this crap.

I'm glad you opened the door. You're one of those that needs to know you did everything you could. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe with time and consistency, they'll learn. But sadly, I tend to agree with Jrazz here.

You can't change her outlook. They're not going to "hear" you. You can't make them understand. She's not going to come back to you with good news, and if she PRETENDS that she is willing to hear you out rest assured that the sheep's clothing is going to come off in a matter of time. We love our family, but we are codependent too much on them. We care on some subatomic level about what they think about us, and it's only going to make us miserable because we will never be the person they want us to be if they want us to be anyone but ourselves.

I think you feel that if you could just do more/say more/BE more then you could show them the error of their ways. That somehow magically the scales will fall from their eyes and they'll SEE you. But it doesn't work that way. They need to love you, wholeheartedly, without conditions. They need to respect the boundaries of a healthy relationship.

You're not asking for much, here, Aubrie. Just respect.

(((Aubrie)))

I hope I haven't overstepped.


Posts: 1274 | Registered: Feb 2010
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454Real, yeah you would think so. But they can't, don't, won't...or something.

the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior- face it, they've had a A LOT of years to perfect their crazy.
Eyes wide open Girlfriend. They don't have a single, lasting relationship with anyone. If there is a blow up, the "offending party" has two options. Rugsweep, or get torched and left in the rubble. I know their "rules". I'm fully prepared for this.

I think you feel that if you could just do more/say more/BE more then you could show them the error of their ways. That somehow magically the scales will fall from their eyes and they'll SEE you.
Yes and no. Yes, it would be just peachy if they would drop the dysfunction and cray-cray. Who doesn't want a healthy family and friendship circle? BUT! I know I cannot control them, I cannot make them see anything, and I'm not gonna kill myself trying to make them see. All I can do is draw my line in the sand. Actually...draw it in concrete as that line ain't movin' anymore.

One of the texts yesterday said, "I won't push myself on anyone. You have to open the door. All we got was silence so we assume that's how you want it. You seem happy, so that's fine."

Interpretation: I'm going to throw my fit till you come crawling back to see what the matter. I refuse to budge on this because it's all I know and there's nothing wrong with the way I think. You do things my way or the highway because that's just how it's done. You rocked the boat, this is your problem, your mess. I'm gonna keep pouting and throwing my fit."

Ok Fine. I opened the stupid door and showed her the line in the concrete. She didn't walk thru it and she didn't like where the line placement was. I'm cool beans with that.

Yes, I would appreciate some respect. Not just for myself, but for my husband and children. It's ok if they don't want to give it. But I don't have to stand around, wishing on a star, and waiting on it. My give-a-dang is getting closer to being busted.

You didn't overstep abbycadabby. I appreciate your insight.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I know my parents are not as bad as most of the horrific tales in there

Agreed and I hope you don't think that I think your parents are horrific. In truth, I didn't read Toxic Parents, but Crazz did and we both read Toxic Inlaws.

I think it's even harder to realized that someone is unhealthy for us if they're NOT punching us in the face or spewing profanity laced vitriol that is easy to identify as painful. Crazz family would hide their judgment behind "concern" for his well being and "love."

I KNOW that they love him in their own way, but I also know that they are not happy unless everyone around them has a problem that they can stand above and look down upon with contempt. It's not that other people are wrong or bad, it's that these kinds of people feel sooooo entitled to their "opinion" that hurting someone else with it is some happy side effect in a twisted way because it elicits attention and conflict from us.

I do think that you're doing a good job here. I just feel like I'm looking over my shoulder at you and I want to pull you along the path.

You mention that others have asked you about the awkward standoff. Realize that this is more pressure from people with opinions on how others should behave. I know that the urge to fix it creeps up when peripheral observers chime in. The key to all of this is really really truly truly not giving a darn what anyone thinks.

It seems uncaring not to address the texts, you may be accused of being rude, but in truth you will just no longer be playing the game anymore. When you can be in a room and just exist as you are with each other, that will be the endpoint. Until then, keeping arms length is the healthiest thing to do, even though it feels wrong.

Sorry I'm blathering. I just care and I hate to see you tethered to this situation. I'm rooting for you every day.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17889 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. Stupid edit...gimmi a minute
Fixed.

I'm not ignoring you Razzie. I got caught up in my other thread and didn't see your response here. Sowwy.

I think it's even harder to realized that someone is unhealthy for us if they're NOT punching us in the face or spewing profanity laced vitriol that is easy to identify as painful.
Ya think!? Poster child right here. I cringe to read my old posts when I first got here and spouted rainbows and ponies about my FOO. My BFF had me/us pegged from the get-go and waited two years for me to catch up.

I KNOW that they love him in their own way,
I see this too. And I guess that's where I struggle a bit. They're doing the best they can with what they've got. Which is what I did to QS for what, 8 years? I loved him with every ounce of crippled love I could muster. But it wasn't healthy and it darn near killed him. I know my parents love me with every ounce of crippled love they have, but if I stick around and breathe it in, I'm gonna die. kwim?

You mention that others have asked you about the awkward standoff. Realize that this is more pressure from people with opinions on how others should behave. I know that the urge to fix it creeps up when peripheral observers chime in. The key to all of this is really really truly truly not giving a darn what anyone thinks.
I understand. I was actually referring to a post in an older thread where someone asked why there was a stand-off. If I showed where my boundaries are, why not talk to her, keep the wall up, and see where it takes me. So I tried that approach this week and I discovered it didn't work. Oh well.

When you can be in a room and just exist as you are with each other, that will be the endpoint.
That's gonna take a while. When we are in the same room, you better bring a parka and ice pick. I could really care less what she or anyone else thinks, but you can see the anger/attitude/tantrums radiating off her. I'm not deliberately trying to make her feel like crap. But I feel freedom for the first time in like...ever, and I enjoy when I'm with my friends and loved ones. And if she's in her car, watching me across the parking lot while pouting, so be it. I don't care.

Sorry I'm blathering. I just care and I hate to see you tethered to this situation. I'm rooting for you every day.
Thanks Spazzie Razzie. I appreciate ya.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:39 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 11

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